luvs-a-cop

I went to alanon last week for the first time. I'm now doing alot or reading and learning a ton. My anger is ceasing a bit already, now for the hard part.....

We do not live together, but are talking about marriage.

His drinking is very "binge-like" - mainly does it when he's on the late shift - already working till 11pm - what's another few hours "with the guys" drinking a "few" beers on the lot? (Me at home worrying until 2 to 4 am!) Because of his job, this will always be challenging for me (not worrying that is).

We've discussed his alcoholism. He has admitted to the problem, but that's about how far he's gotten with discussing it with me. He knows I'm in alanon and feels guilty about it, but is also supportive.

I know I cannot control his drinking.

Does anyone have any advice about serving him wine, liquor, etc. in my home? - do I just let it go and do it anyway? Also, we eat out alot - when he has too much to drink - do I say "I'm driving home" and leave it at that?

Please know the "old me" got really pissed, got really loud, and usually exploded to him. I do regret my previous behavior and know that it is not doing any good for either of us.

Any help/direction would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
N

Lorelai

Welcome to SR !

I'm glad you're getting help before you make a decision about marriage. I think you're doing the right thing.

As far as serving liquor in your home, I think that you will come to figure out what is comfortable for you and will make your decisions accordingly. Serving or not serving him liquor will likely have no effect on his ultimate decision to stay sober or not.

I don't buy beer for my H. I don't want to, so I don't. If we're having a dinner with friends and I want to serve wine, I do.

If you go out to eat and he has too much to drink, PLEASE drive home yourself. I never ride anywhere with my H. Other than that, there's not much you can do other than decide not to go out to eat with him anymore.

Glad you're here -
L

luvs-a-cop

Do you drive separately at everything?

Any other thoughts?

Lorelai

We hardly ever go anywhere together anymore. My H is used to be like your boyfriend. He works construction so there was a lot of hanging out after work drinking. Now, he drinks every day. On the weekends, he's usually passed out by dinner time so we don't have much of a social life together.

If we do go somewhere together, it is just automatic that we get in my car with me behind the wheel. If he's not at work, he's always been drinking to some degree and I won't risk my life because of his problem.

I spent a lot of my life (15 years) trying to ignore the problem and trying to fix the problem. I'm glad that you're getting the information you need to go into this with your eyes open.

Alcoholism is progressive. Until he wants to get help, he will continue to drink. Trying to reason with an alcoholic has proven to be a waste of time for me.

Keep reading and posting. Lots of information and wisdom here.
L

bjmt

luvs-a-cop,happy to hear you are getting help and advice before you think of getting married. Living with a binge drinker is a isolated...lonely world. No social life! Make sure you go into this with your eyes OPEN!!
Think Lorelai said it all when she said..."Alcoholism is progressive. Until he wants to get help, he will continue to drink. Trying to reason with an alcoholic has proven to be a waste of time for me." This is so true!! Sounds exactly like my AH.

EmotionalMeg

Hi ,
It must be a tough spot you are in... Wanting to be with this man, but knowing it is a dangerous place. Like Lorelai said, it is a good thing you are finding your recovery before a marriage takes place. The hardest part will be following your head and not your heart.

In MY home, I made a boundary. There was NO alcohol allowed period; not when friends came over, not at special occassions, never. This came as a direct result of my decision to keep my home a safe place for myself ad our children. When my husband was still drinking and using, there was a time when he would bring the booze and drugs home, and along with it came all of his friends. Soon my house was loud and crazy; things got broken, fights took place - it was insane. And there were my two young boys upstairs asleep in their beds, and me usually in bed plugging my ears and raging. I guess I had just had enough - I had to make a boundary. My husband respected this boundary, thank goodness. It meant that my house was my haven; a safe place to raise our children. This boundary was tough tho - it meant that my husband couldn't come home when he'd been binging. He was often gone for 3 or 4 days at a time. But I was OK... and this was a HUGE step for me.

I suppose it would be a harder decision for you to make; whether to allow alcohol in your home or not. After all, you don't live with this man. Perhaps the decision needs to be based on what you NEED in your recovery; what is it that you are striving for? If you are working to maintain a healthy envirinment for yourself, maybe alcohol doesn't really fit; perhaps you won't really miss it.
I think what you have to be careful about, is that you are making the decision for you, and NOT for his sake. If you are worried about HIS reaction to "No alcohol in the house", than you are giving him a sense of control over your life. After all, if you are not really a "drinker" and you are serving alcohol to your man KNOWING that he is struggling with an addiction; if you are doing it because HE wants it, and so as to not "rock the boat"... then who is in control here? We are often very good at maintaining the peace, but we are suffocating ourselves in the process.

Just a few things I learned along the way...

I know it's hard to believe, but if you continue to learn and grow in recovery, there will come a time when it all makes sense. It was an awakening for me; I distinctly remember looking back and discovering the difference between "then" (before recovery) and "now" (after); and knowing that I'll never go back. The process in between however, can be a little foggy.

Welcome!
Thanks for letting me share,
Meg