Universe is aligning :)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: the Low Lands
Posts: 113
Universe is aligning :)
25 days in again! I have trouble feeling proud of myself. While drinking, I was sensitive in a bad way... Taking things personally where I shouldn't, always beating myself down, only remembering the bad things that I did and have happened. Getting sober meant dealing with all those memories without a filter and it has been really rough. Started to wonder why I should keep trying, but then, when I thought I couldn't take anymore, I started noticing things.
Thoughts racing through my head, suddenly I hear them out loud: In songs, tv-shows or someone passing by my house, like there is an antenna catching them and it's scary at first, but kind of cool. I remember this happening when I was young and still innocent, some deeper connection to the universe. Started feeling that things are going the way they should be going.
About a year ago I found a lump in my breast. Luckily it dissappeared after my period, but the next month, there were two, month later, more still. Doctor said I shouldn't worry, they're benign if they dissappear afterwards, but of course I worry. It kept progressing and they f'ing hurt! Then my dog got sick last month, when she was in heat. I immediately felt this was bad news, but my vet told me it was probably pyometra, should wait it out a bit with antibiotics and a painkiller. She got a bit better over the weekend but after the meds wore off, it went from bad to worse. Had emergency surgery and turns out she had uterin cancer, was just in time, it was attached to her intestines and ovaries, she lost a lot of blood during the procedure and barely pulled through. Can you believe when I had my next period: No lumps.
Things like this have happened before. So it turns out I am just very sensitive, but that's not a bad thing! Contrary to what my parents always told me. This is something precious and I have been numbing this wonderful gift all this time? That's insane. I should nurture it, listen to it, be proud of it and never let anybody tell me otherwise! It hurts me that I pushed that part of me away all this time. The past 20 years I have been trying to be someone I'm not, hating and hurting who I truly am and that's so sad. But I'm grateful to notice that it's not too late to let that beautiful part of me shine.
My ponies are in a meadow with a little club house in it. The house got new tennants and I was so curious about what they were going to do there. Day before yesterday I met these people, they're both wonderful, one of them a recovering addict. Turns out they're making it into a shelter of sorts, where people can just walk in and be themselves, share whatever knowledge they have, learn whatever someone else is sharing, or just have coffee or play a game. They were so very happy to have my ponies there to pet and just enjoy their presence, so I said, what if my ponies can do more than that to help the people you give shelter to? I offered to be there every wednesday, to teach how to handle a pony, brush them, play with them, really just enjoy the connection between man and horse. They've always been the best therapists I could hope for, a mirror, a guide. And now I get to share that with people who need that just like I do. On my way back home, with my youngest doggy behaving better than she ever did, I felt things were different. Sun shining, people smiling at me, making small talk, letting me cut in line at the supermarket, little things that feel so good all of the sudden.
It's amazing how this just fell into my lap. It feels like my life has some meaning again. This would never have happened while I was still drinking. I am anxious now but the good kind, to explore what else this sober life has got in store for me.
Can't believe I thought I was done and had ruined it all. Turns out there is always hope.
Thoughts racing through my head, suddenly I hear them out loud: In songs, tv-shows or someone passing by my house, like there is an antenna catching them and it's scary at first, but kind of cool. I remember this happening when I was young and still innocent, some deeper connection to the universe. Started feeling that things are going the way they should be going.
About a year ago I found a lump in my breast. Luckily it dissappeared after my period, but the next month, there were two, month later, more still. Doctor said I shouldn't worry, they're benign if they dissappear afterwards, but of course I worry. It kept progressing and they f'ing hurt! Then my dog got sick last month, when she was in heat. I immediately felt this was bad news, but my vet told me it was probably pyometra, should wait it out a bit with antibiotics and a painkiller. She got a bit better over the weekend but after the meds wore off, it went from bad to worse. Had emergency surgery and turns out she had uterin cancer, was just in time, it was attached to her intestines and ovaries, she lost a lot of blood during the procedure and barely pulled through. Can you believe when I had my next period: No lumps.
Things like this have happened before. So it turns out I am just very sensitive, but that's not a bad thing! Contrary to what my parents always told me. This is something precious and I have been numbing this wonderful gift all this time? That's insane. I should nurture it, listen to it, be proud of it and never let anybody tell me otherwise! It hurts me that I pushed that part of me away all this time. The past 20 years I have been trying to be someone I'm not, hating and hurting who I truly am and that's so sad. But I'm grateful to notice that it's not too late to let that beautiful part of me shine.
My ponies are in a meadow with a little club house in it. The house got new tennants and I was so curious about what they were going to do there. Day before yesterday I met these people, they're both wonderful, one of them a recovering addict. Turns out they're making it into a shelter of sorts, where people can just walk in and be themselves, share whatever knowledge they have, learn whatever someone else is sharing, or just have coffee or play a game. They were so very happy to have my ponies there to pet and just enjoy their presence, so I said, what if my ponies can do more than that to help the people you give shelter to? I offered to be there every wednesday, to teach how to handle a pony, brush them, play with them, really just enjoy the connection between man and horse. They've always been the best therapists I could hope for, a mirror, a guide. And now I get to share that with people who need that just like I do. On my way back home, with my youngest doggy behaving better than she ever did, I felt things were different. Sun shining, people smiling at me, making small talk, letting me cut in line at the supermarket, little things that feel so good all of the sudden.
It's amazing how this just fell into my lap. It feels like my life has some meaning again. This would never have happened while I was still drinking. I am anxious now but the good kind, to explore what else this sober life has got in store for me.
Can't believe I thought I was done and had ruined it all. Turns out there is always hope.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: the Low Lands
Posts: 113
The one thing that does bring me down is the lack of support. Still on the waiting list for therapy, no AA where I live, my boyfriend stopped acknowledging my effort and progress after my first relapse and my parents will never admit I am any good, until it's too late and I'm drowning again.
I struggle by myself, so I'll keep my progress to myself as well from now on. Sorry for bothering you guys, good luck on your journeys.
I struggle by myself, so I'll keep my progress to myself as well from now on. Sorry for bothering you guys, good luck on your journeys.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
You always have this community Evienne - lots of online meetings to for AA and other things too I bet...
I'm glad things are coming together for you - and your ponies.
Congrats on 25 days
D
I'm glad things are coming together for you - and your ponies.
Congrats on 25 days
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
Good Morning! Your post was amazing, I am so glad you are on your way. I too, take notice of little signs from the universe. My kids think I am totally coo-coo, but I don't care. I don't believe in coincidences, I think everything happens for a reason, and when we finally take the reins of our lives, the world opens up to nothing but miracles!
You have unending support here!
You have unending support here!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
Good Morning! Your post was amazing, I am so glad you are on your way. I too, take notice of little signs from the universe. My kids think I am totally coo-coo, but I don't care. I don't believe in coincidences, I think everything happens for a reason, and when we finally take the reins of our lives, the world opens up to nothing but miracles!
You have unending support here!
You have unending support here!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
I really love your story.
That's a perfect example of allowing yourself to be open to life. I love that you offered your ponies as something to help people connect. What a lovely idea. Connecting with animals has been so important to me in my recovery.
Congratulations on 25 days sober!
That's a perfect example of allowing yourself to be open to life. I love that you offered your ponies as something to help people connect. What a lovely idea. Connecting with animals has been so important to me in my recovery.
Congratulations on 25 days sober!
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,357
That's pretty great. Something similar happened to me and it was amazingly healing. I learned just like you to stuff down my abilities because they either were not valued or got me in trouble. They came back bearing gifts.
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