Mamamacx2

My boyfriend has been sober for 5 months and everyday seems to get lonlier and more difficult. I understand that recovering alcoholics needs to be selfish, but is there a limit? As family members is it completely unreasonable that I want some of my needs met?

Our love life has also become non existent. There is no intimacy whether it be snuggling, kissing, or God forbid sex!!

I am just having a hard time with all the changes and with being selfish, demanding and not understanding the second I voice that I too am having a hard time.

Any suggestions?

Refiner

Sry to hear what you're going through. But alcoholics usually are selfish ppl to begin with - so are you sure he's not just a selfish person without the alcohol now?

CodeJob

There is a recovering A doing a good scientific overview of recovery at alcoholicsguidetoalcoholism.com He researches 'neuromechanics of addictive behavior.' I found his website quite helpful in dealing with lack of emotional and physical intimacy in early recovery.

Tentindependent

As individuals, we all have our own limits. You are entitled to set yours. You don't need permission from anyone else.

HopefulinFLA

I feel your pain Mamamax2, you and I are in the same boat.

My RAH goes to an AA meeting every single night, he's about 8 months sober. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of him and the progress he's made. Things are definitely better than when he was drinking. Back then I was lonely, pi$$ed off, resentful, and anxious. Now I'm just lonely. It's progress.

I've tried speaking about this to him, but he maintains his need to go everynight. Just doesn't seem to understand that for us to work on our relationship we need to spend time together. I feel like he values his AA brotherhood more than us.

I think it's just a matter of patience, if you can wait.

LexieCat

Five months is still pretty early on. Recovery takes up SO much mental, physical and emotional energy. I remember feeling like it was all I could do to get through the day, some days. I was thankful I didn't have a partner I was neglecting--because I would have. It wouldn't have been because I didn't care, it's just that all the recovery business sucks a lot out of you and I wouldn't have felt like I had much left to share with someone else.

I've been the partner of someone in recovery, though, and your feelings are very real. Try to remember not to take it personally. It isn't you, it's him. I know you're anxious to feel like you have a REAL relationship again, and if you can get through the first year things should start to normalize.

Of course, there could be other issues/problems you will have to work out but what I'm trying to say is that what you're experiencing right now is pretty much par for the course when someone is newly sober.

Hugs,

dandylion

This is precisely why I feel that there "ought to be a law" that requires alcoholics to live seperately during the first year (or 2) of early recovery. It would be more humane on everyone involved.
It would also give the family time for their own program of recovery.

It seems like very few people are prepared for the realities of what early recovery (first 2 years) really entails.

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

Five months is very early recovery. In early recovery (23 years ago) there was a saying: "if you take the alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you have a horse thief". In other words, putting down the bottle is only the first step. We alcoholics must change, which is accomplished by working the steps and therapy. It takes time, much more time than than anyone wants or expect, to stop being so selfish and self-centered.

I think expectations screw up more relationships than practically anything else and suggest keeping them in check. Lexi is on target in saying his actions aren't about you or the relationship, it's what he needs to do to stay sober. Your feelings are legitimate, it's very tough to be involved with someone in early recovery. Have you considered Alanon? Suggest reading the stickeys about the program.

Ditto this!

Duckygirl1

Five months isn't much time and the brain and body still are sorting themselves out. You may be trying to draw water from an empty well. Some do seem to stay in perpetual recovery never quite growing out of the selfish child stage. You may have to move on and find a healthy present partner. It's bad enough that we stay too long when they're drunk, now we have to wait around while they recover. At some point enough is enough.

fluffyflea

Are you going to Alanon for yourself?

There is a chapter in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, To The Wives if you want to read that.

happybeingme

I am apparently the only descenting opinion here. When I first quit I felt that helping my husband and son's heal from my alcoholism was just as important as my own recovery. But then again I never followed a formal program.

So, with that said you will need to look elsewhere for your own recovery. He just can't give it to you right now and may not ever

atalose

I feel that often we have expectations for when they become sober that the life we craved to have with them will start. But then we discover it just doesn’t work out that way and we feel let down.

One of the things that helped me was to really learn as much as I could about addiction/alcoholism and about addictive behaviors and what life with an addict/alcoholic really meant.

I had a belief that sobriety was the solution and quickly learned that sobriety was only the beginning of a long inward journey my loved needed to take to make real changes in his life. The not using part became the easier part for him but the addressing of the deep rooted issues that he masked with drugs/drink was the real hard part and one he just never seemed to fully grasp hold of. He became a chronic relapser and I became stronger and less reliant on the relationship for my self- esteem, happiness and worth. I grew and well, he just didn’t, I found it was time to un-attached myself from him and any future hope of having the kind of relationship I felt I truly wanted.

Maybe focus on you and what you truly want out of life. Do some research on alcoholism and relapse and recovery, addict behavior because alcoholism is a lifelong progressive altering disease that he will be battling for the rest of his life. It can be very lonely for the loved ones especially if we have unrealistic expectations.

I know many relationships that continue and each person is fully involved in their own recovery. Detaching has become the cornerstone for their relationship to survive, it works for them. Personally for me If I have to detach (long term) from someone who was supposed to be my partner in life, then really what's the point?

This is your journey to self-discovery.

hopeful4

Spot on Dandy!

Mamamacx2

Thank you all so much for your opinions and feedback. They are all greatly appreciated.

A bit about me. I am in Alanon as well as am I working my program and do have a sponsor. I get all that. I read the books and I get it, in my head. I just have a hard time with helping my heart to understand. I know I should not have expectations and most of the time I am pretty good about it. But sometimes I think, wait a minute, we are mammals, we are made to have relationships with other people and within those relationships I believe I am not selfish to think that I am entitled to having my own needs met....SOMETIMES.

I try to be so supportive, but sometimes I just get so hurt that I snap. Maybe part of it is jealousy. I want someone to love and support me half as much as I do him......again, another expectation. But don't I deserve that????

This is just such an emotionally complex disease and process.

I really do love reading everyones feedback. Thank you!!

lucybb

I think that is a completely reasonable expectation - for a normal marriage. Why bother getting married if you have zero expectations and are supposed to accept whatever scraps you are given without complaint? What the comments about expectations being too high means for me is that if you choose to be in a relationship with someone who clearly can't meet your expectations, either lower your expectations so you are not so disappointed and unhappy all the time or leave and find someone that can meet them. I finally decided to leave because I had to believe that I deserve better and he couldn't provide that.

dandylion

Mommamac......I think I understand exactly how you feel....and I think you are very normal to want the things that y ou do.
I am glad that y ou came here to talk about it.
Nobody should just be the wallpaper in the background of somebody else's life!!!!!!!!!!! (I felt that way once).

Here is the deal about expectations---(according to dandylion). lol.
Of course we all have expectations......like you say.....We can't function without some.
I think the problem comes in when our expectations don't fit the situation. When we miss the mark so much that our expectations are unrealistic or impossible....and then we are extremely disappointed. The bigger the gap between what we expected and what actually happens---the sharper the pain of disappointment.

I don't think that most alcoholics or loved ones have any idea of what to expect during early recovery. This is why the recovery period is the most vulnerable for the survival of the relationship (more vulnerable than the drinking period before recovery begins).

I will say this----that you matter. Your thoughts and opinions need to be heard in the relationship. Respect and trust are bedrock necessities.
Who knows if your relationship will survive the long haul?
You may need a period of separation or distance between the two of you for YOU to do some evaluating of your own.

Find out what you need and do what you have to do.

dandylion

CodeJob

I've posted on this personal struggle here a fair amount and you can work through my old threads here by clicking on someone's name.

It is an ongoing issue in my marriage at 2 years of recovery.

AnvilheadII

in your other post you said he does NOT work, gets to about 3 meetings a week, naps a lot and watches porn.

that would be GREAT.......for a single guy.

there is more going on here that just "sobriety" or perhaps we should call it Not Drinking. this is the perfect time for you to really work on what YOU want, what YOU feel, what YOU need. throw him some cheetos and handiwipes and get busy taking care of YOU!!!!

happybeingme

I have also read your other posts. How long ago did you divorce? How long have you and your boyfriend been together?

Shelliszoo

Wow ... I could have wrote your first post. My guy made it sober 6 months, not much changed in that time but it was better then him drinking. He relapsed for 3 weeks, now we are back at square one. That was his 3rd and longest relapse in a year and half. Im not sure ill stick around if he relapses again. Im ready to have SOME of my needs met . I dont know anymore. I know I love him but, as the saying goes, love is not enough.
Im just so in the same boat.
Good luck!!!