happybeingme

Just got off the phone with my sister and she invited me over for a bbq on Mother's Day. My mom lives with this sister and I really don't want to see her. But, I also don't want my sister to feel bad. Help

DoubleDragons

Does your sister know/understand why you are NC with your mom? Could you thank her for the invitation and make plans later in the week for just the two of you to enjoy? My sister and I are luckily pretty much allies when it comes to our crazy parents, so neither of us have any expectations of the other one when it comes to our parents.

thotful

I feel your pain. "hey, thotful, want to come to our Easter party?" Then, I have to be the one to politely point out the man behind the curtain again. Or, the junk under the rug.
"umm, are certain individuals going to present?"
"umm...yes"
"OK, I will not be there. Would you like to meet with me at such-and-such for lunch?"

It has been extremely rare for loved ones to CREATE scenarios where I am guaranteed certain people won't be there. So, they get stuck with me saying, "sorry, but no."

It's really frustrating to feel like those relationships are permanently altered simply because I do not wish to see certain people (who have been emotionally abusive and refuse to work things out). There's seems to be little to no effort to work with me. Most of my siblings just invite me yet again to another "everyone will be there" situation. Whatever happened to personal time?

In the end, I basically have to create those scenarios. Invite people to see me. To lunch. To a movie. Send an e-mail. ETC.

Sadly, if there's a lot of enmeshment, it's terribly difficult to maintain relationships with other family members. Especially if they are in denial about what's going on. I've got no answers there and no solutions.

But, I do have this. Over time I have felt stronger and stronger in deciding that my health is actually important. Emotional, Spiritual, Physical, and Mental health. Certain people are a huge threat to my health and no longer have a place in my life. It's OK to take care of you. Who you are around is totally your decision.

Needless to say, I still feel uncomfortable with the conversation. It feels like I'm running my hand across a chalkboard. My other siblings just look like they're extremely uncomfortable. Oh well, guess how uncomfortable it is to be around someone that insults your wife? calls you names? The last time you saw him, he said, "I don't love you, your not my family." I'm sorry, but my other siblings discomfort in hearing that I don't want to be around abuse is NOTHING compared to my discomfort in actually being around abuse. Why would people I love want me to go through torture just so they feel...what? comfortable? Is the murdered person, the sh***, the rotting garbage under the rug scary to see? Well, it stinks to high heaven. It doesn't disappear when it is placed under there.

Just my experiences. Take what you like - leave the rest. Hugs and best of luck!

makomago

Had a not dissimilar experience recently, although slightly easier because I am limited contact, not zero contact ie.. I see my AM on my terms.

Anyway, the recent similar situation, this is what I did; I declined the invitation, but invited those I wanted to see, to mine, on a different date.

I don't know whether anyone felt bad that I didn't go to the original invite, but I'm sure they'd have been more concerned (rightly so IMO) by whatever they were doing on the day than what I was, or wasn't doing.

happybeingme

I am just angered with my mom for causing this. Ya know? My sister knows why I no longer talk to our mom. But, she wants me to come visit. I understand. So simply making different plans won't work. I am just going to have to decline. I know her feelings will be hurt but there is no way to avoid that

makomago

Yes, I do know. I can relate. I getcha!

Out of interest, if this isn't a silly question (don't feel obliged to answer if you don't wish... you know that right? does you sister know that you won't come because of your mom? Do you discuss the issue with your sister?

happybeingme

To be perfectly honest I don't think either of my sister's fully understands why I have gone no contact. Even though they also know that twice my mom trapped me in a room and tried to force a confrontation. They have their own dysfunctions and ways of coping with the woman

Kialua

It's not easy to be on the same page with foo siblings. That's what alcoholism does to the family, plays one against the other to keep everyone off guard and not focused on the drinking. So like you said, because "they have their own dysfunctions and ways of coping with the woman" they are not able to see through their entrapments to see your pain.