Once bitten, twice shy...

Old 08-23-2004, 06:00 AM
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Once bitten, twice shy...

About 18 years ago I watched, in awe, as Timmon Cermak listed the common characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics on NightLine. That was a pivitol point in my life - finding out that I am NOT THE ONLY ONE!!! What an amazing discovery - not only am I not alone, but it's something that the outside world (aka: "Normal People") recognises as a problem...

I kept my finding a secret for years, until my mom was lying in the hospital dying from her disease. There was a meeting just downstairs from her room so my one brother and I went. They brought up the subject of incest and I froze with fear - I was sitting next to my perp and I was mortified (how did they know???)... I didn't go back

After my mom died and things settled down again, I decided to give it another shot (without my brother) but I was terrified that I'd go and be "the only one" there... With much encouragement from my (now ex) mother in law, I bit the bullet and went and...

My worst fear came true -- I WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE!! I waited but no one else showed up. I felt so alone and so let down... A bit of research on my m-i-l's part led to the discovery that the meeting had been moved to another location.

It took a couple of weeks for me to get the nerve up to go again but I did. It was a small, cramped room - not enough seats and the meeting was not very organised. I felt lost - I felt invisible. I didn't go back. Instead I buried myself in learning all about ACoAs and trying to heal myself.
Now my "issues" are popping up again. I find myself shying away from interaction with others - preferring to sit home on the 'puter rather than go out and interact. I won't even walk out the front door if someone is walking by - how odd is that?

I've been divorced for 12 years and have only had a handful of dates - a couple of which lasted more than one date and even less lasting a month or two - mostly because I seem to be an magnet for alcoholics and control freaks and the minute I suspect a problem I bail out. 18 mos. ago I met a great guy - funny, intelligent, down to earth but with a touch of sophistication and class... great guy... Two weeks ago my worst fears (and suspicions) were confirmed, he's got a problem with drinking (or, shall I say I have a problem with his drinking)... The fact that he's an alcoholic was confirmed, separately, by each of his siblings but adamantly denied by him. I felt angry, hurt and betrayed. I felt like a fool - so blinded by emotion (and hope) that I ignored my instincts!

I obviously need to do something different. We're still together but I'm not sure how long that is going to last - I don't trust the drinking and I don't trust him when he's drinking - too many broken promises, lies etc. and, although he said he'd quit drinking, he hasn't. I'm tired of hurting, tired of fighting, tired of crying - I know I need to find a meeting but my past experiences were pretty bad, so for now I'll do the "online thing" and try to find an Al-Anon meeting (which, for some reason, I think might be more organised) and sensitive to (or aware of) newcomers.

Any sage advice? I'm really feeling quite lost these days
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Old 08-23-2004, 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Cadence57
... Any sage advice? I'm really feeling quite lost these days ...
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling lost. I know the feeling myself quite well. Please consider that this little corner of the web can be a refuge and a home for you if you so choose. You don't have to be lost anymore.

Can't help with the "sage advice", but I can offer some of my experience strength and hope :smile:

Originally Posted by Cadence57
I know I need to find a meeting but my past experiences were pretty bad,
Yeah that sucks. When I first started "trudging the happy road to recovery" I couldn't find any meetings either. Which really irritated me, after all, how could "they" not have meetings for us! <lol> So I grabbed a couple people I knew and we started our own. Borrowed the 12 steps from alcoholics anonymous and called ourselves "Incest Survivors Anonymous". People showed up in droves. They saved my life and sanity more than once.

My point is that finding a good meeting is no different than finding a good doctor, dentist, or car mechanic. You have to go check them out and see if you like them. If they don't work out for you, it's _not your problem_. All you have to do is go to the next one on your list. There's lots of good people out there, and they're just waiting for you to show up. The catch is, only _you_ can show up, they can't find you otherwise.

Originally Posted by Cadence57
- mostly because I seem to be an magnet for alcoholics and control freaks and the minute I suspect a problem I bail out.
Yeah, I'm a magnet for sick ones too. Or should I say, I find myself attracted to them. 'course, you're ahead of me because it takes me awhile to figure out that this person is toxic, then I feel guilty for running from them. I think that avoiding sick people is a _good_ thing, me thinks you're progressing in the right direction in that area. What I'm working on is how to figure out the toxic ones _before_ I even get close to them, then I'd never have to run.

Originally Posted by Cadence57
... I'm tired of hurting, tired of fighting, tired of crying - ...
Good for you! This is a good place for you, cuz we all feel much the same way.

Originally Posted by Cadence57
... I won't even walk out the front door if someone is walking by - how odd is that?
It's very common for us kids of "toxic" families to find comfort in isolation. I certainly do. Takes me a _long_ time to get comfortable out amongst people. I refer to it as "hiding under the bed". In my case, no matter how safe it feels, it's really harmful to me in the long run. Basically, I'm continuing the abuse that was done to me by allowing myself to remain isolated.

Originally Posted by Cadence57
I know I need to find a meeting but my past experiences were pretty bad, so for now I'll do the "online thing" and try to find an Al-Anon meeting
There's nothing like the real thing :smile: Online is easy and relaxed, but there's nothing as good as meeting real people in the real world who really understand what you're feeling. Al-Anon is full of wonderful, caring folks, and there's tons and tons of meetings, so you'll have plenty to choose from.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)
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Old 08-23-2004, 08:28 PM
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Well said Mike!!

Al-anon is so much more available...look for that. And nothing takes the place of face to face.

I found myself in Alanon and it wasn't until much later that I realized that much of what was going on in my life was because of my childhood. Even then I did not "go there" because I needed time. I could not personally focus on that part until I worked on me as an adult.

So which ever order you choose depends on you. Today is here now...deciphering the past will always be there.

Hugs,
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Old 08-23-2004, 08:49 PM
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Mike and JT,
Thanks so much. I attended my first online meeting tonight - it was painless and enlightening... so... there's that. I was trying to get to a 7PM meeting about 20 mins away (if traffic's not crazy) but between playing chauffeur (sp) and domestic goddess (dinner) for the kids, I just couldn't pull it off and I didn't want to walk in after it started!
SO... I have resolved to go to the Wed meeting (which is about a mile away) - no excuses!!! I'm actually looking forward to it, especially after dipping my toes in the water here, on line, tonight.
Mike,
Your "under the bed" analogy brought back memories -- I used to sit under tables and desks in High School (not in class, but in the other rooms). I'm not sure if I was trying to be "invisible" or looking for attention (or just plain weird!). Being invisible was always "my thing" as a kid - I guess it was a coping mechanism of sorts -- I suppose it still is... I really do try to avoid contact (ie: be invisible) with strangers except for "normal" places like work or the grocery store and I truly hate being the center of attention.

JT,
The thought of "going there" causes my legs to lock up. I also realize that the chaos of my childhood is what brought me to where I am today. I've done some work on myself (by myself) but I think I've gone as far as I can go, solo... The past/present issue bothers me - it's like the chicken and egg question. Do I need to resolve my past issues in order to fully understand and deal with my present issues? Or, does it even matter?

Well, regardless of what's dealt with and when, I've resolved to go and that's what I'm going to do. And if it takes 100 meetings to find one that works for me, then so be it. I think that just getting out and being among people with whom I have something in common, will do me a world of good. I know that tonight's Al-Anon cyber meeting was amazing - I can only hope to get as much from a "real" meeting.

Thanks so much for your input!

Last edited by Cadence57; 08-24-2004 at 12:34 PM.
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Old 08-24-2004, 01:31 AM
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Thank u so much Cadence for sharing this. This is something I'm going through as well. I got a list of places and times for the meetings printed out but so far I haven't found the courage to go check one out. There always seems to be tons of excuses for not going.

Lately I have found that I'm a magnet for alcoholics and control freaks too and been a bit suprised to find out that I now have enough sense to end these friendships. I too spend a lot of time on my own. That pulling the blankets over my head is a familiar feeling to me in stressfull times.

Thanks for the tip of looking for the group that feels right and not to give up too soon. Let's hope that there are a groups that are happy to welcome us all somewhere out there That reference to finding a good doctor ran the point in for me
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Old 08-24-2004, 06:15 AM
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For me at least, the present was so chaotic that I had no choice but to deal with that first. I suspect that is true for many people. Once I stopped a lot of the behaviors that needed to be stopped, once I had a little serenity in my life then...and only then did I have the time or the energy to look back. The past will always be there and by working on the "now" my knees locked up a little less whne I started looking back.

I couldn't even read ACOA literature without looking at my own flaws as a parent...there is no way I was ready.

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Old 08-24-2004, 12:36 PM
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JT
That's good advice - cleaning up today's mess and then going after the stuff that's not going anywhere anytime soon... It's good to hear that you lock up a little less... it really does almost feel like free-falling (emotionally) when I start to think about dealing with my "issues"
It's encouraging to see so many folk's who've "been there/done that" and not only survived the experience but came out sooo much better off for it!
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Old 08-24-2004, 03:49 PM
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I do lock up a little less but even now I often do like you said, a free fall, and I have to stop. For me it like feeling a total loss of control...like I never made choice one in my life. It was a series of reactions to events that had very little to do with me.

I could read one chapter or one sentence and it would take what seemed like forever to process it. And then there are times when I could look at things with distance. My 4th step did alot to reveal why I am the way I am. I have done several, one was a life story. Another was exploring the significant relationships in my life. When these things are written down the commonalities jump off the page. Then there is anger and then there is forgiveness.

I believe the right time comes for all of it...when one thing gets in line another starts waving like mad to get my attention. It should be a gentle process...not forced.

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Old 08-24-2004, 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by chess
Thank u so much Cadence for sharing this. This is something I'm going through as well. I got a list of places and times for the meetings printed out but so far I haven't found the courage to go check one out. There always seems to be tons of excuses for not going.

Lately I have found that I'm a magnet for alcoholics and control freaks too and been a bit suprised to find out that I now have enough sense to end these friendships. I too spend a lot of time on my own. That pulling the blankets over my head is a familiar feeling to me in stressfull times.

Thanks for the tip of looking for the group that feels right and not to give up too soon. Let's hope that there are a groups that are happy to welcome us all somewhere out there That reference to finding a good doctor ran the point in for me
Every journey has to begin with just a single step... I know we can BOTH summon up the courage to go and we can both become resolved to getting better -- nothing to lose...
I'm going to try (again) tomorrow PM to get to an al-anon meeting. I'm not sure I'm ready for the ACOA stuff just yet... we'll see.
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Old 08-24-2004, 05:10 PM
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Keep us posted!!
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Old 08-25-2004, 05:49 PM
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WOOHOO!!! I DID IT!!!!!!!!!

I went to my first F2F meeting tonight!!!
Spent much of it in a "private meeting" with the other newbies (three of us) and two "old timers" They explained the process and how the meetings work - nice NICE people. I liked the group and was comfortable right away.

I have to tell y'all -- LOL -- I was (once again) mortified. First I got there and the church where it's held is HUGE which was intimidating... Then I asked someone who parked the same time I did, if this was where the Al-Anon meeting was - she said yes and told me to follow her husband... which I did... right into an AA meeting (which I didn't realize). They asked if there were any newbies in the room and I raised my hand --- THEN I asked the woman beside me if this was the alanon meeting (NO)... UH OHHHHH I asked her where it was and she said in the next room (NOT)... A gentleman was entering as I was ready to run away in a panic -- so I asked HIM where it was and he went into the AA and asked someone who told him it was in the basement...
OK, so now a trip to the basement (it smelled disgusting down there - like an old pool cover or something) and as I'm walking down the steps (now 15 mins late) and I'm sweating it... then...
I hear voices...
Laughter???
Then I see the faces -- I was overwhelmed by the number of people in this meeting - I think there were about 30 people there.
Unfortunately, between being late and having the "orientation" meeting, I didn't get to experience much of the real thing - but I saw and heard enough to know that I'll be back.

Thanks, you guys for the nudges and pushes... I"m sooo glad I went!
Hugs!
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Old 08-25-2004, 06:50 PM
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I find myself shying away from interaction with others - preferring to sit home on the 'puter rather than go out and interact. I won't even walk out the front door if someone is walking by - how odd is that?
This is the feeling that led me to attend my first face to face meeting last week. I am fine in a business atmosphere but when it comes to social interaction, I freeze up. I just can't let anyone in.

The meeting was great. It felt so good to meet people like me and be accepted with such open arms. For once, I felt a genuine connection with people in a social setting. It was a freeing experience. Afterwards, I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.

Congrats on your meeting!! I know how good it feels!
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