knowthetriggers

Well - I was so proud of my progress that I made over the weekend. Even posted a thread about it and then this morning happened.

Again with my teenage DD.

It happened so fast - one minute my teenage DD was "mothering" my youngest DD. She was told to stop, but yet again she said something to my youngest. When I asked my teenager to explain to me what the youngest was doing that was so inappropriate she WALKED OFF on me!

THAT was it! You can roll your eyes, you can sigh till the cows come home - yes they are both signs of disrespect in my eyes but she knows to NEVER walk away from me when I am talking.

So needless to say I lost it. In fact I am pretty sure I had an out of body experience because I don't really remember everything I said!

It is all over and the youngest is now wondering if her good mood will make me happy :/

I explain to her that I am glad she is in a good mood but mommy is angry right now, not at her - just angry.

I hate starting my day like this! I did apologize to you youngest DD for my anger and attitude. Unfortunately I will have to wait until my teenager is out of school to apologize to her. I hate that even more because now I am thinking she will have this in the back of her mind all day long.

UGH - this is so frustrating.

I feel like everything I shared with her is null and void now.

FireSprite

(((((hugs))))) I don't have any experience here, I'm dreading these teen years myself.

Cut yourself a bit of a break though - you had a very human moment. A codie relapse, if you will.

Maybe the lesson for her here is in the talks & apologies that you'll have later. Maybe it's about you demonstrating humility, accepting your mistake & making amends. Showing her how imperfect we can all be & how it's sometimes about how you pick yourself back up vs. how you fell down in the first place.

dandylion

Knowthetriggers.....I would bet the children's milk money that your intense feelings surrounding your daughter's actions and reactions are a reflection (somehow) of your own experiences at that age in your family of origin.

Everyone on the forum can jump in and play armchair shrink....and talk about teen girls and hormones and "phases"...etc....BUT...none of us really know the situation, well enough, over the internet clarify it for you. (I sure won't try..LOL!).

My best suggestion...if you want one....is to go to a CERTIFIED family therapist and spend about 6wks. getting to the bottom of it. I am talking about going alone, by the way......
I think it would be a kindness to yourself (and her, too). There are a lot of teen years to go...... I really don't see what you would h ave to loose by doing this....

dandylion

Duckygirl1

I have waaaaay too much experience here. No one on earth can trip your trigger like a teen daughter with attitude! I would apologize for HOW I handled it, but not for handling it and not for expecting little miss rude to not walk away when your talking and not for expecting her to keep to her side of the street when it comes to her sister. After one incident, I told my daughter if she were that grown, she needed to leave. Don't over analyze it. You're a mom and sometimes you have to grab these little buzzards by the beak. ((((Hugs))))

knowthetriggers

Thanks you guys!

You all have very good suggestions.

Firesprite - YES! Showing my humility and apologizing will show her my imperfections and that I am willing to make amends to my wrong doing.

Dandylion - LOL - a reflection of my past; how about my reaction was like looking in a mirror and seeing my mother! I think that is what disturbs me the most. I LOVE her to pieces but I want no parts of her dysfunction but yet it sure did show it's ugliness this morning!

Duckygirl - thank you! I will be sure she understands my anger really came from her walking away while I was talking. My AH has actually told our teen that if she was that grown to get a job and pay the bills. So yeah, not the proudest moments of being parents right!

I will make amends though. And making amends is something my codie mother NEVER did. She either acted as if nothing ever happened or she would buy me something. I honestly do not understand HOW she functions this way. I just can't do it - and I won't do it.

dandylion

Knowthe triggers........(interesting screen name...considering the topic at hand..LOL!).

If you can to understand WHY you are behaving "like your mother"....when you don't want to.....then you won't have to make so many amends.....

dandylion

(I am just wondering....were your parents extremely strict?)

Thumper

No advice but some commiseration. I had a complete meltdown last night. I'm following the thread. I did say sorry but I need to do more. I need to figure out how to talk it through with them individually. I think I will look into some family counseling this summer. Communication is so hard for me and my kids. Keeping everything inside is a hard way to grow up and a hard way to live life and I want to do better for them.

I'm so damn tired. I know I need to be more on top of parenting instead of just letting things go until I snap. There is no break in parenting. It feels so relentless. I want us all to feel the good parts of being a family and not always feel like getting to the end of the day is the success.

knowthetriggers

Hey Dandy - I guess just calling her "crazy" wouldn't work right?

LOL

Were my parents strict - NO, my mom was very controlling over EVERYTHING we did. Sadly enough she felt as if she was losing control over us as we grew more independent.

Oh - I get it right- what is typed is why I freaked out right?! She is becoming more independent.

Dandylion - you're good!!

hopeful4

Oh babe, I have been there. It's ok, really it is.

Hugs to you! XXX

knowthetriggers

(((HUGS))) Thumper!

I really suggest talking to your kids more. The more you communicate with them the better your relationship can be.

For instance, the general rule of thumb at dinner is the family blessing over dinner. After that everyone gets to share something about their day - good or not so good. Last night my youngest shared that she and 3 others were the only ones to make 100's on a recent test. We all celebrated with her. It gives everyone a chance to share something and no one is left out of the conversation.

Now, obviously, I have had an issue and I lost it, but I will make amends. Honestly since I have been working my program we have had less of my outbursts but on this occasion - it just happened.

You are right, parenting never stops but as adults it is up to us to keep that open line of communication open. If I didn't make amends with my DD tonight I might possibly set her up to believe that just pushing her feelings aside is okay - and I don't want to do that as that is what my mother did to me.

Frustrating - yes indeed!

knowthetriggers

So the apology went well! I did stay firm, as I am her mom before her friend, but we both said we were sorry, big hugs and kisses!!

I am so happy with myself that I can be a good example to my kiddos!

Slowly breaking the chains of my past.