What's mine and what's not?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
What's mine and what's not?
How do you know what's really yours versus what is someone else's?
My mother's latest challenge to my estrangement from two siblings reiterated similar arguments:
1. You're angry -
Apparently, I'm just angry and therefore I cannot make a reasonable decision
2. You haven't forgiven them -
Again, I'm being unreasonable. Funny thing, I'm positive I have forgiven them. I love them and wish them well. What else is there? I don't wish them any ill will.
3. You're holding a grudge -
I guess that estrangement is synonymous with a grudge.
4. You're holding on to the past -
Apparently the things I complain about only happened in the past, and not in the present. I would obviously disagree. Judgment of my life and my wife (my chosen family) would need to be retracted, in my opinion for it to no longer be present TODAY.
5. You're mistaken or misinformed about what they've said/done -
I guess that I just misheard someone or just completely misunderstood them? Easily challenged this - I asked my mother if my siblings wanted to clear the air and say something respectful about me and my wife. She all the sudden changed tunes and replied "I don't speak for them". Funny...she had just started to try to speak for them.
6. You want total acceptance and a total apology -
Weird...Don't know the difference between total acceptance and acceptance.
How do I know what I can accept and work on versus what I won't accept. Unfortunately, these conversations are so toxic and difficult, I can't really believe or "take-in" anything my mother says. I really can't find anything of value. It's like we disagree on everything.
How do you know what has merit and what doesn't? Do you just go with a gut feeling? For me, my gut says the vast majority of it is all bull and my mother is just trying to dump guilt and blame my way. And as she tries to hand me the guilt, I am supposed to let the pile of s*** land on the ground. Otherwise, I have a hand full of s***.
So frustrating.
I guess I'm back to I have to let my mother own her beliefs/viewpoints of the situation and allow us to disagree.
My mother's latest challenge to my estrangement from two siblings reiterated similar arguments:
1. You're angry -
Apparently, I'm just angry and therefore I cannot make a reasonable decision
2. You haven't forgiven them -
Again, I'm being unreasonable. Funny thing, I'm positive I have forgiven them. I love them and wish them well. What else is there? I don't wish them any ill will.
3. You're holding a grudge -
I guess that estrangement is synonymous with a grudge.
4. You're holding on to the past -
Apparently the things I complain about only happened in the past, and not in the present. I would obviously disagree. Judgment of my life and my wife (my chosen family) would need to be retracted, in my opinion for it to no longer be present TODAY.
5. You're mistaken or misinformed about what they've said/done -
I guess that I just misheard someone or just completely misunderstood them? Easily challenged this - I asked my mother if my siblings wanted to clear the air and say something respectful about me and my wife. She all the sudden changed tunes and replied "I don't speak for them". Funny...she had just started to try to speak for them.
6. You want total acceptance and a total apology -
Weird...Don't know the difference between total acceptance and acceptance.
How do I know what I can accept and work on versus what I won't accept. Unfortunately, these conversations are so toxic and difficult, I can't really believe or "take-in" anything my mother says. I really can't find anything of value. It's like we disagree on everything.
How do you know what has merit and what doesn't? Do you just go with a gut feeling? For me, my gut says the vast majority of it is all bull and my mother is just trying to dump guilt and blame my way. And as she tries to hand me the guilt, I am supposed to let the pile of s*** land on the ground. Otherwise, I have a hand full of s***.
So frustrating.
I guess I'm back to I have to let my mother own her beliefs/viewpoints of the situation and allow us to disagree.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
As long as you are working a good recovery program let anything your mother says go in one ear and out the other.
I think you are still looking outward for approval rather than inward.
You know that your family will not change their thinking. Without total surrender to their way of thinking you will always clash.
Sometimes when we seek recovery we are faced with having to accept that some people will no longer have a place in our lives. Their illness and unwillingness to accept who we are becoming means they can't have a place in our lives anymore. No matter who they are.
I think you are still looking outward for approval rather than inward.
You know that your family will not change their thinking. Without total surrender to their way of thinking you will always clash.
Sometimes when we seek recovery we are faced with having to accept that some people will no longer have a place in our lives. Their illness and unwillingness to accept who we are becoming means they can't have a place in our lives anymore. No matter who they are.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
This is an interesting list Thotful. Have you considered this list as your mom projecting her issues on you? You are an agent of change and chaos in your family. She keeps trying to pull you into the old way (the family way) of controlling you.
Is her behavior stepped up? Why? Is your responses more strident recently? Why? Roles are changing and it now revolves around a lot more than recovery.
I hope your wife is feeling well and all is going smoothly with her pregnancy.
Is her behavior stepped up? Why? Is your responses more strident recently? Why? Roles are changing and it now revolves around a lot more than recovery.
I hope your wife is feeling well and all is going smoothly with her pregnancy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by thotful 
How do you know what's really yours versus what is someone else's?
My mother's latest challenge to my estrangement from two siblings reiterated similar arguments:
1. You're angry -
Apparently, I'm just angry and therefore I cannot make a reasonable decision
2. You haven't forgiven them -
Again, I'm being unreasonable. Funny thing, I'm positive I have forgiven them. I love them and wish them well. What else is there? I don't wish them any ill will.
3. You're holding a grudge -
I guess that estrangement is synonymous with a grudge.
4. You're holding on to the past -
Apparently the things I complain about only happened in the past, and not in the present. I would obviously disagree. Judgment of my life and my wife (my chosen family) would need to be retracted, in my opinion for it to no longer be present TODAY.
5. You're mistaken or misinformed about what they've said/done -
I guess that I just misheard someone or just completely misunderstood them? Easily challenged this - I asked my mother if my siblings wanted to clear the air and say something respectful about me and my wife. She all the sudden changed tunes and replied "I don't speak for them". Funny...she had just started to try to speak for them.
6. You want total acceptance and a total apology -
Weird...Don't know the difference between total acceptance and acceptance.
How do I know what I can accept and work on versus what I won't accept. Unfortunately, these conversations are so toxic and difficult, I can't really believe or "take-in" anything my mother says. I really can't find anything of value. It's like we disagree on everything.
How do you know what has merit and what doesn't? Do you just go with a gut feeling? For me, my gut says the vast majority of it is all bull and my mother is just trying to dump guilt and blame my way. And as she tries to hand me the guilt, I am supposed to let the pile of s*** land on the ground. Otherwise, I have a hand full of s***.
So frustrating.
I guess I'm back to I have to let my mother own her beliefs/viewpoints of the situation and allow us to disagree.
My mother's latest challenge to my estrangement from two siblings reiterated similar arguments:
1. You're angry -
Apparently, I'm just angry and therefore I cannot make a reasonable decision
2. You haven't forgiven them -
Again, I'm being unreasonable. Funny thing, I'm positive I have forgiven them. I love them and wish them well. What else is there? I don't wish them any ill will.
3. You're holding a grudge -
I guess that estrangement is synonymous with a grudge.
4. You're holding on to the past -
Apparently the things I complain about only happened in the past, and not in the present. I would obviously disagree. Judgment of my life and my wife (my chosen family) would need to be retracted, in my opinion for it to no longer be present TODAY.
5. You're mistaken or misinformed about what they've said/done -
I guess that I just misheard someone or just completely misunderstood them? Easily challenged this - I asked my mother if my siblings wanted to clear the air and say something respectful about me and my wife. She all the sudden changed tunes and replied "I don't speak for them". Funny...she had just started to try to speak for them.
6. You want total acceptance and a total apology -
Weird...Don't know the difference between total acceptance and acceptance.
How do I know what I can accept and work on versus what I won't accept. Unfortunately, these conversations are so toxic and difficult, I can't really believe or "take-in" anything my mother says. I really can't find anything of value. It's like we disagree on everything.
How do you know what has merit and what doesn't? Do you just go with a gut feeling? For me, my gut says the vast majority of it is all bull and my mother is just trying to dump guilt and blame my way. And as she tries to hand me the guilt, I am supposed to let the pile of s*** land on the ground. Otherwise, I have a hand full of s***.
So frustrating.
I guess I'm back to I have to let my mother own her beliefs/viewpoints of the situation and allow us to disagree.
Other than that, I don't have much to offer, except that your initial reaction is right: it's all BS. "You're living in the past" means "ALL THE SH*T I DID TO YOU IS OK." Which, of course, it is not.
(In my case, it's easier, because I have no kids -- so there are no strings to tug at about "you have to let XYZ see her niece," and all that. I just pretty much don't call much of anyone in my extended family, and that's the way it is, for the foreseeable future. And they're not even that bad, really -- all they did was get intimidated-to-the-max by my raging-alkie-control-freak Dad into obeying his orders, during his last 3-4 years. In terms of actually doing anything to me, they're mostly fine -- one branch of the family tends to be manipulative, but even they aren't that bad. Still, I'm just not interested in seeing them -- so I don't. My choice.)
T
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 42
Thotful, have you come across the phrase ‘Flying monkeys’ as in Wizard of Oz? When you went ‘No Contact’, the dysfunctional, narcissistic person will send in their flying monkeys to guilt trip you, harass you etc., to reconnect. Or even to abuse you (if you’re the scapegoat) by proxy.
My marriage almost break down four years ago. My husband is no longer in contact with this woman who is related to his past. She threatened to kill me on Facebook so I responded by shutting down my Facebook account, thinking that this is the end of the matter.
Well, I was wrong because she send her flying monkey – my husband’s cousin who is up to all sorts of tricks – trespassing our house when we went away, tried to cut me out at a family’s gathering.
A few months ago, she invited herself to our house, this time it was passive aggressive – talked non stop about my husband’s past and if she talked about herself, it would be issues closely related to issues that caused my marriage to break down.
When our marriage was on the verge of breaking down, she appeared at our house unexpectedly and was doing the same thing.
There is no alcoholism on that side of my husband’s family, the paternal grandmother was a narcissist.
I came to the conclusion that this is a control issue. Imo, they are trying to reel him back in to break his NC and control him but I am in the way, so I got all this **** thrown at me.
If you were to listen to your mother, one likely scenario could be; your estranged brothers forming a relationship with your daughter and bit by bit cut you and your wife out of the picture.
That’s what my husband’s cousin tried to do at every opportunity. So, keep your daughter and wife safe away from your crazy FOO.
On a positive note, not all his family are crazy. The alcoholic side turned out to be okay, my husband’s father is the only alcoholic in the family.
It is such a shame that my husband is kind of estranged to his nieces and nephew, he and his brother were never close in the first place but we will be meeting his niece and her husband next month.
My marriage almost break down four years ago. My husband is no longer in contact with this woman who is related to his past. She threatened to kill me on Facebook so I responded by shutting down my Facebook account, thinking that this is the end of the matter.
Well, I was wrong because she send her flying monkey – my husband’s cousin who is up to all sorts of tricks – trespassing our house when we went away, tried to cut me out at a family’s gathering.
A few months ago, she invited herself to our house, this time it was passive aggressive – talked non stop about my husband’s past and if she talked about herself, it would be issues closely related to issues that caused my marriage to break down.
When our marriage was on the verge of breaking down, she appeared at our house unexpectedly and was doing the same thing.
There is no alcoholism on that side of my husband’s family, the paternal grandmother was a narcissist.
I came to the conclusion that this is a control issue. Imo, they are trying to reel him back in to break his NC and control him but I am in the way, so I got all this **** thrown at me.
If you were to listen to your mother, one likely scenario could be; your estranged brothers forming a relationship with your daughter and bit by bit cut you and your wife out of the picture.
That’s what my husband’s cousin tried to do at every opportunity. So, keep your daughter and wife safe away from your crazy FOO.
On a positive note, not all his family are crazy. The alcoholic side turned out to be okay, my husband’s father is the only alcoholic in the family.
It is such a shame that my husband is kind of estranged to his nieces and nephew, he and his brother were never close in the first place but we will be meeting his niece and her husband next month.
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