when to trust again?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
when to trust again?
Hi All,
I'm the wife of a recovering AH, he had been clean and sober for 10 month now and our life is absolute bliss.
My AH seems to have made a genuine recovery this time, for the 1st time ever he accepts his is an alcoholic and CANT drink, he isn't 'white knuckling,' this till it gets too much he's totally in it. Well that's how it is now.
Reason I post is I am after some advice.. When is it that I can truly trust my husband again? Don't get me wrong I trust him in the every day life 100% right now, but we are at a point where we are considering taking redundancy, paying off the mortgage and getting new jobs that are not so stressful and involved to gain better work life balance.
Sounds great.... However although we are married I am very financially independent, and secure in the knowledge that if he went back to drink, I can leave, no worries, my salary gives me that, and in the darker days that kept me going.
I dobt want to forever live in the past but when can I let go and fully trust enough to make the big life changing decisions other married couples make? Or can't I? Is that part and parcel of marrying an alcoholic?!!
Does any have any experiences to share both negative and hopefully positive?!m
I'm the wife of a recovering AH, he had been clean and sober for 10 month now and our life is absolute bliss.
My AH seems to have made a genuine recovery this time, for the 1st time ever he accepts his is an alcoholic and CANT drink, he isn't 'white knuckling,' this till it gets too much he's totally in it. Well that's how it is now.
Reason I post is I am after some advice.. When is it that I can truly trust my husband again? Don't get me wrong I trust him in the every day life 100% right now, but we are at a point where we are considering taking redundancy, paying off the mortgage and getting new jobs that are not so stressful and involved to gain better work life balance.
Sounds great.... However although we are married I am very financially independent, and secure in the knowledge that if he went back to drink, I can leave, no worries, my salary gives me that, and in the darker days that kept me going.
I dobt want to forever live in the past but when can I let go and fully trust enough to make the big life changing decisions other married couples make? Or can't I? Is that part and parcel of marrying an alcoholic?!!
Does any have any experiences to share both negative and hopefully positive?!m
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I wish I had some advice based on experience for you on this!
It seems like 10 months is fairly early sobriety. Maybe another year or 2 would make you more comfortable in letting go of the past? And give him more time to keep proving it?
It is so hard to judge what is acceptable for ourselves sometimes, I know. I think you owe it to yourself to make a timeline based on your comfort level, and your history and experience with him. If you have yourself protected, and able to get out if you need to, I say create the life you want and that makes you happy.
NOTHING in life is certain. Nothing. You deserve the life you want on your timeline. I am very happy for your family!!
It seems like 10 months is fairly early sobriety. Maybe another year or 2 would make you more comfortable in letting go of the past? And give him more time to keep proving it?
It is so hard to judge what is acceptable for ourselves sometimes, I know. I think you owe it to yourself to make a timeline based on your comfort level, and your history and experience with him. If you have yourself protected, and able to get out if you need to, I say create the life you want and that makes you happy.
NOTHING in life is certain. Nothing. You deserve the life you want on your timeline. I am very happy for your family!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Thank you firebolt for stopping by and reading. :-)
I enjoy everyday right now because I am grateful for how everything is. I spent too long scared alone and feeling too weak to take action when we were in the depth of his problem. I also am not foolish enough to believe that's it and that this issue has gone forever, but I make the most of each day as my healing is progressing bit by bit.
Wishing you health wealth and happiness.
I enjoy everyday right now because I am grateful for how everything is. I spent too long scared alone and feeling too weak to take action when we were in the depth of his problem. I also am not foolish enough to believe that's it and that this issue has gone forever, but I make the most of each day as my healing is progressing bit by bit.
Wishing you health wealth and happiness.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Wow congratulations you are one of the lucky and blessed ones... At least at this point. TBH... You may never truly trust again that he will NEVER drink. I think spouses especially always are kind of waiting and wondering. But you being very independent of him in terms of financially and I'm guessing emotionally strong, you've got many positives over others. I would enjoy where you are in the moment every day and not future trip on it. As we say here, actions, not words. And right now his actions are good.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Scacra,
This is a tough thing. You are both considering taking redundancy? Do either of you have the less stressful job lined up? Have you two really talked through the long term financial and emotional risk in light of his recent sobriety date? Is there an option for one of you to take the step first and get acclimated an the other follows in a 8-12 mo?
I am likely younger than you. There is no way I could walk away from my income, insurance, retirement or benefits at this juncture. That is my freedom and RAH is sober 2 years.
This is a tough thing. You are both considering taking redundancy? Do either of you have the less stressful job lined up? Have you two really talked through the long term financial and emotional risk in light of his recent sobriety date? Is there an option for one of you to take the step first and get acclimated an the other follows in a 8-12 mo?
I am likely younger than you. There is no way I could walk away from my income, insurance, retirement or benefits at this juncture. That is my freedom and RAH is sober 2 years.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
Originally Posted by CodeJob 
Hello Scacra,
This is a tough thing. You are both considering taking redundancy? Do either of you have the less stressful job lined up? Have you two really talked through the long term financial and emotional risk in light of his recent sobriety date? Is there an option for one of you to take the step first and get acclimated an the other follows in a 8-12 mo?
I am likely younger than you. There is no way I could walk away from my income, insurance, retirement or benefits at this juncture. That is my freedom and RAH is sober 2 years.
This is a tough thing. You are both considering taking redundancy? Do either of you have the less stressful job lined up? Have you two really talked through the long term financial and emotional risk in light of his recent sobriety date? Is there an option for one of you to take the step first and get acclimated an the other follows in a 8-12 mo?
I am likely younger than you. There is no way I could walk away from my income, insurance, retirement or benefits at this juncture. That is my freedom and RAH is sober 2 years.
No neither of us have a job lined up yet, but being mortgage free is the game changer ( we will pay that off with redundancy payment) we would then have enough money to be out of work for 12 month. I have recently completed a masters degree in a total different career and I want to change my job to use my masters. He is a senior engineer but wants something with not so much responsibility. We both will try for new jobs straight away.
We have discussed finances and this will be OK as long as we don't exceed 13 month, emotionally and in relation to his alcoholism we have discussed but are not sure!! He feels strong and thinks he will be fine, but I am not naive hence why I am wondering and questioning now....
Great news regarding your RAH!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd suggest one transition at a time. And I would suggest that even if alcoholism weren't in the picture. Let one of you get settled in a new position before the other one bails. It might make sense for you to make the move first--that way, if the challenges of the transition hit him hard and not in a good way, you will be financially secure.
Conventional wisdom recommends no major life changes the first year of sobriety. It isn't as if he HAS to switch jobs immediately.
I'd take it slow, and make the adjustment more gradual.
Conventional wisdom recommends no major life changes the first year of sobriety. It isn't as if he HAS to switch jobs immediately.
I'd take it slow, and make the adjustment more gradual.
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
The answer to your question is:
You can trust him again, when you trust him again.
Trusting him will mean opening yourself and becoming vulnerable to him, as you once were.
You'll feel ok to do that again, or you won't...but it won't be a checklist you cross off and then one day he's magically trustworthy.
It will take time, obstacles overcome together, and consistency in actions and words...I hope you're able to get there again together.
You can trust him again, when you trust him again.
Trusting him will mean opening yourself and becoming vulnerable to him, as you once were.
You'll feel ok to do that again, or you won't...but it won't be a checklist you cross off and then one day he's magically trustworthy.
It will take time, obstacles overcome together, and consistency in actions and words...I hope you're able to get there again together.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Still working on it myself. It took a LOT of years to destroy that trust in the 1st place & many relapses of behaviors during the recovery process. For me, I still make every big decision as if he wasn't a factor, making sure I'm not signing up for more than I can handle alone. One thing I know for sure is that I have zero control & can't predict what will happen 2 days, 2 wks, 2 months, 2 yrs from now. When things have happened, life literally changed in moments. For now, I trust ME.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
The job market where I am in the USA is not strong nor is it kind to mid-career transitions. I am actually older than you by a few years. Most retirees are not replaced. They (HR) hire young people for much smaller salaries or part time.
My RAH did not do well emotionally when he was not working. Job hunting was a huge stressor for him. He was an executive and no longer works at that level. He had no luck transitioning his skills to a different field despite a graduate degree and military experience. He now has a lot of issues about his pay and is bemused at how hard he works. He is one individual, but I feel his behaviors and reactions were a huge strain on his sobriety and our marriage that can be a generalizable warning. His self esteem cratered. He was out of work 9.5 months.
Be very cautious.
My RAH did not do well emotionally when he was not working. Job hunting was a huge stressor for him. He was an executive and no longer works at that level. He had no luck transitioning his skills to a different field despite a graduate degree and military experience. He now has a lot of issues about his pay and is bemused at how hard he works. He is one individual, but I feel his behaviors and reactions were a huge strain on his sobriety and our marriage that can be a generalizable warning. His self esteem cratered. He was out of work 9.5 months.
Be very cautious.
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