how do you regocnize a true friend?
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Hopeland
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how do you regocnize a true friend?
I'm not sure how to put into words what I'm trying to find out. I just start with the problem. I have been working on myself and my self-esteem and taking care of me for a couple of years now. This has caused me to end a few friendships and now I'm in turmoil about 2 other friendships. To a non-codie this probably wouldn't be a problem but to me it is and I'm having trouble recognizing if this is a real problem or just some twisted way of coping surfacing and I'm clueless over what to do. Maybe I should just do nothing?
The trouble I'm having is that lately good things have happened to me and it seems like a couple of my friends do not know how to handle this and I find myself feeling emotionally beaten after I share my good news with them. When I was down they were a great help to me and now I'm torn inside since mostly I'm on a good mood a lot and if I share my mood with them the conversation somehow ends to cover their misery or some other injustice and I feel like my good mood is not validated. Does this make sense? I'm confused.
Luckily I do have a couple of friends who do enjoy sharing my good moods too
Have anyone else gone through similiar situation and how did it unfold?
Is this just me being codie? I'm starting to think that maybe my defination of a friend is a bit twisted too. What is a healthy friendship like?
The trouble I'm having is that lately good things have happened to me and it seems like a couple of my friends do not know how to handle this and I find myself feeling emotionally beaten after I share my good news with them. When I was down they were a great help to me and now I'm torn inside since mostly I'm on a good mood a lot and if I share my mood with them the conversation somehow ends to cover their misery or some other injustice and I feel like my good mood is not validated. Does this make sense? I'm confused.
Luckily I do have a couple of friends who do enjoy sharing my good moods too
Have anyone else gone through similiar situation and how did it unfold?
Is this just me being codie? I'm starting to think that maybe my defination of a friend is a bit twisted too. What is a healthy friendship like?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Venice, Florida
Posts: 414
Friends
To me, a true friend is someone who loves you inspite of your faults, sticks by you in the good times and the bad. Gently corrects you when you are wrong and accepts the same from you.
I found my true friends when I spoke the truth about my addiction. I was so afraid to admit I had an addiction for fear of rejection. I was showered with care and concern and helped when I asked for it and left alone when I needed to be alone.
My best friend and I do occaisionally agree to disagree, but we respect each other enough to know that the real source of our friendship, our love of Jesus, is the basis for our relationship. She is there for me and I for her.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Hi chess..
I have had some of my most difficult times with friendships. Dumped a few...been dumped by a few.
Today the people I hang with are fun, have things in common and care about me. In other words, I can be foolish or in a "mood" but it doesn't matter.
One of my oldest and dearest lost over 100 pounds and if you can believe it she lost friends over it. I guess her "friends" had invested in the fact the she was large and they were small. There are people, I suppose, who invest in "I am happy and she is not."
I would say take your time to be sure you are not reacting, but give those "friends" some thought.
Hugs,
JT
I have had some of my most difficult times with friendships. Dumped a few...been dumped by a few.
Today the people I hang with are fun, have things in common and care about me. In other words, I can be foolish or in a "mood" but it doesn't matter.
One of my oldest and dearest lost over 100 pounds and if you can believe it she lost friends over it. I guess her "friends" had invested in the fact the she was large and they were small. There are people, I suppose, who invest in "I am happy and she is not."
I would say take your time to be sure you are not reacting, but give those "friends" some thought.
Hugs,
JT
Paused
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: concord, ca
Posts: 1
I had ended a "Toxic" friendship 6 months ago. What I found was when I started making changes for the better and my life was going very positive, the people around me were not use to the new me and wanted the old me back. That was the way they new how to function. In otherwords, you shook up their world and now they don't know how to be in your new world. Keep positive people in around you in your life. Even if it only turns out to be 2 or so. Try the "Share, check, share" method. You share alittle piece of yourself then check the response and body language of the other person. If they are positive and supportive then share alittle more. If they are negative then share no more. It is easier to recover from alittle rejection then alot of rejection. :lumpy
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Hopeland
Posts: 95
Thank you all for your insighful responses! I think the reason I'm having trouble with defining who's a real friend and who's not is because I don't know what sorta behaviour to accept and what not and before I was really just reacting and now that I take my own feelings into consideration too I find myself questioning the way I get treated at times. And changing how you response to people and dealing with their reactions is new to me and I feel lost.
And this voicing my own opinions and desires can be hard. Any useful tips or points to consider?
And this voicing my own opinions and desires can be hard. Any useful tips or points to consider?
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Hopeland
Posts: 95
I quess I'm so used to taking responsibility for others too that I find it difficult to just carry my own. And the other thing I'm having trouble with is letting go. I'm not sure if I'm demanding too much and what can one expect from a friendship?
For example I'm in a middle of moving into a new apartment and one of my friends who was supposed to come over and help with the packing send me a message that she's down with the flu and did not go to work either and that she'll let me know if she can or cannot make it over.This was 2 days before she was to come over. Luckily another friend of mine out of the blue offered to help and came over for 2 nights so I got the help I needed. I was so taken over by the packing that I didn't realize until the time I was ready for bed that the friend who was suppose to let me know if she can or cannot come over and who had promised to come over had not got back to me on the issue. I did however get the message that she's not coming by her not showing up but that to me is not the way I would have liked this situation to be handled.
That's just a example of how I take responsibility of other's behaviour and kinda let things just be and not talk about them or not talk about them with the people themselves. This is a familiar pattern for me and I'm kinda lost at what would be good and healthy ways of handling situations like these where I'm not happy about the way I got treated and ask for what I would like.
Any helpful tips or experiences to share to help me learn a new way of relating to others?
For example I'm in a middle of moving into a new apartment and one of my friends who was supposed to come over and help with the packing send me a message that she's down with the flu and did not go to work either and that she'll let me know if she can or cannot make it over.This was 2 days before she was to come over. Luckily another friend of mine out of the blue offered to help and came over for 2 nights so I got the help I needed. I was so taken over by the packing that I didn't realize until the time I was ready for bed that the friend who was suppose to let me know if she can or cannot come over and who had promised to come over had not got back to me on the issue. I did however get the message that she's not coming by her not showing up but that to me is not the way I would have liked this situation to be handled.
That's just a example of how I take responsibility of other's behaviour and kinda let things just be and not talk about them or not talk about them with the people themselves. This is a familiar pattern for me and I'm kinda lost at what would be good and healthy ways of handling situations like these where I'm not happy about the way I got treated and ask for what I would like.
Any helpful tips or experiences to share to help me learn a new way of relating to others?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Hi Chess,
A true friend is the one who will be walking in, while everyone else is walking out.
I couldn't help but notice that you have spent alot of time focusing on the one who walked out. I would suggest focusing on the one who walked in to help you. Now thats a true friend.
I myself had alot of trouble focusing on the positive, and not allowing the negative to be the focal point in my life. I had spent years in the negative, finding everything that was wrong, that I didn't like, and my focus automatically went there. It took time to change the person that I took into recovery. Its great that you are questioning your choices. Negative, begets negative. Postive begets positive.
Misery loves company, and water seeks its own level. If the friends who are miserable do not care for your new found happiness and joy, then the choice is yours to remain or to go. What are you getting out of staying with those who don't show up, and those who are miserable? Sometimes we are very comfortable, IN the uncomfortable, because thats what we know, thats what we are familiar with.
I have learned that the real war is an internal one, one that fights to keep the status quo, inside ourself. Learning to go to war with the messages and the tapes that running in my head, the ones that tell me to stay focused on the negative, and to accept less in my life, that I am not worth it ..... that is the enemy within.
Because the truth is that this isn't about THEM, this is about you, your own recovery, your own growth and your choices.
I would suggest taking this time to determine who and what it is that you want in your life and why. Then make your own choices according to what you positively want IN your life.
People can't abandon us today, all they can do is leave
God Bless,
Patsy
Luckily another friend of mine out of the blue offered to help and came over for 2 nights so I got the help I needed.
I couldn't help but notice that you have spent alot of time focusing on the one who walked out. I would suggest focusing on the one who walked in to help you. Now thats a true friend.
I myself had alot of trouble focusing on the positive, and not allowing the negative to be the focal point in my life. I had spent years in the negative, finding everything that was wrong, that I didn't like, and my focus automatically went there. It took time to change the person that I took into recovery. Its great that you are questioning your choices. Negative, begets negative. Postive begets positive.
Misery loves company, and water seeks its own level. If the friends who are miserable do not care for your new found happiness and joy, then the choice is yours to remain or to go. What are you getting out of staying with those who don't show up, and those who are miserable? Sometimes we are very comfortable, IN the uncomfortable, because thats what we know, thats what we are familiar with.
I have learned that the real war is an internal one, one that fights to keep the status quo, inside ourself. Learning to go to war with the messages and the tapes that running in my head, the ones that tell me to stay focused on the negative, and to accept less in my life, that I am not worth it ..... that is the enemy within.
Because the truth is that this isn't about THEM, this is about you, your own recovery, your own growth and your choices.
I would suggest taking this time to determine who and what it is that you want in your life and why. Then make your own choices according to what you positively want IN your life.
People can't abandon us today, all they can do is leave
God Bless,
Patsy
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Hopeland
Posts: 95
Thanks Patsy That people can't abandon you but they can only leave is something I need to think about. Maybe that's something I still feel.
I think what's making me wonder about things is that I'm finding that I do have some strange friendships still going which seem to be mostly based on a habit.
To me it still feels strange to ask for anything and not just endlessly adjust to everything. And then this asking for anything confuses me for 2 reasons: one being that it's new to me and the other that I'm still not sure that I'm allowed to expect to be treated with respect. I find it all a bit confusing at times.
That people can't abandon you but they can only leave is something I need to think about. Maybe that's something I still feel. I think what's making me wonder about things is that I'm finding that I do have some strange friendships still going which seem to be mostly based on a habit.
To me it still feels strange to ask for anything and not just endlessly adjust to everything. And then this asking for anything confuses me for 2 reasons: one being that it's new to me and the other that I'm still not sure that I'm allowed to expect to be treated with respect. I find it all a bit confusing at times.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Pooh Corner, USA
Posts: 116
chess,
I posted this same question a month or so ago. I am so glad to see that I am not the only one trying to figure this out. I was also looking to discover if I was being a true friend if I felt that I had been hurt and the friend said that it was not meant to hurt me. It is easy to say that they were okay to hurt me because they didn't mean it, but it still hurts. I have difficulty standing up to a friend if she has hurt me. If the incident is not validated then I am just being negative.
Since I am so negative right now I feel that I am not being a good friend therefore I distance myself from others. I would rather be hurt then to hurt others.
Your post has a lot of meaning for me and I am glad that it is out there to seek advice. The thoughts are a great support for many that feel numbed by the pain of relationships.
You seem to be walking the right path to good relationships. Focusing on the helping friend and not focusing on the friend that had the flu is smart advice.
Good luck
I posted this same question a month or so ago. I am so glad to see that I am not the only one trying to figure this out. I was also looking to discover if I was being a true friend if I felt that I had been hurt and the friend said that it was not meant to hurt me. It is easy to say that they were okay to hurt me because they didn't mean it, but it still hurts. I have difficulty standing up to a friend if she has hurt me. If the incident is not validated then I am just being negative.
Since I am so negative right now I feel that I am not being a good friend therefore I distance myself from others. I would rather be hurt then to hurt others.
Your post has a lot of meaning for me and I am glad that it is out there to seek advice. The thoughts are a great support for many that feel numbed by the pain of relationships.
You seem to be walking the right path to good relationships. Focusing on the helping friend and not focusing on the friend that had the flu is smart advice.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Originally Posted by chess
Thanks Patsy That people can't abandon you but they can only leave is something I need to think about. Maybe that's something I still feel.
I think what's making me wonder about things is that I'm finding that I do have some strange friendships still going which seem to be mostly based on a habit.
To me it still feels strange to ask for anything and not just endlessly adjust to everything. And then this asking for anything confuses me for 2 reasons: one being that it's new to me and the other that I'm still not sure that I'm allowed to expect to be treated with respect. I find it all a bit confusing at times.
That people can't abandon you but they can only leave is something I need to think about. Maybe that's something I still feel. I think what's making me wonder about things is that I'm finding that I do have some strange friendships still going which seem to be mostly based on a habit.
To me it still feels strange to ask for anything and not just endlessly adjust to everything. And then this asking for anything confuses me for 2 reasons: one being that it's new to me and the other that I'm still not sure that I'm allowed to expect to be treated with respect. I find it all a bit confusing at times.
We didn't get here overnight, and we will not get better overnight either.Chess..... we teach people how to treat us, by how we treat ourselves.
Its ok to be confused Chess, all that means is that you are working hard on recovery. When we begin to buck the system, the inside stuff that has kept us stuck for many years...there is going to be confusion. Sometimes confusion is a very good thing
Do you have a sponsor? If not, I would suggest that now is the time to get one, and call often.
Sponsors have a wonderful way of helping us to move over the rocks, the blocks and the pitfalls on the path to recovery. My sponsor helped me to keep it real simple and she helped to guide me to take a good look at MY truth, and the truth for me was simple: I had to learn to respect ME first, before anyone else could respect me.
Keep on keeping on Chess,
Patsy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Hopeland
Posts: 95
Thank you guys
I think what gets me is the old habits and the old way of thinking. Lots of ground to work on.
How does one get used to being confortable? I think I have a code in me that gets activated every time something good happens. I found feeling guilty and kicking myself afterwards and I'm not sure why yet.
Thanks for all the support!!
I think what gets me is the old habits and the old way of thinking. Lots of ground to work on.
How does one get used to being confortable? I think I have a code in me that gets activated every time something good happens. I found feeling guilty and kicking myself afterwards and I'm not sure why yet.
Thanks for all the support!!
Running Blind
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Sherman Texas
Posts: 31
How does one get used to being confortable? For me, it's time. It took a long time for me to get used to being uncomfortable and it will take time for me to learn how to get used to being comfortable. As far as feeling guilty, I do the same thing. One reason is that when I was younger anytime something good happened in my life, my father was there to knock it down. I never felt like I was deserving of anything...so much guilt attached to the things I have been given over the years. Give it time and remind yourself that you do deserve the good things. Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: ARKANSAS
Posts: 2
im going through a similar situation. i have or had a best friend. we have been through everything together. even addiction. she didnt tell me how much i was messing up my life. i forgave her for that when i found that out on my own. however, its been downhill from there. she quit coming around as often as she did and when we did get together it wasnt the same. she got drunk one night and just went crazy. luckily i was sober or no telling what would have happened. she said and did some things that i just cant forgive. we still talk some but thats about it and thats even on the phone. i wont go out with her anymore. this was about 3 months ago and since then she has found new friends. so you see, friends arent always what they suppose to be. im not ready for many new friends yet. i just spend time with my family right now and thats the best therapy anyone can ask for. as long as your family supports you. thats who you need to confide in.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
I am over the hill...well standing on the top...and I can count on one hand the really true, deep and loving friendships I have had. For the most part I have associates. People I have fun with that I am not all that emotionally invested in. And do you know what? I think that is as it should be. Real friendships are like falling in love...it is rare.
My oldest friend is more family to me than my family...she knows where all the bodies are buried and will call me on my crap. I don't expect that from her...it is just there.
Not sure where I am going except to say that it was me that expected more from "associations" than there really was. Today I do some things with some...others with others. I know who I can call and be honest with and I know who I can't.
It took time to sort through it all but it was worth it. As I am learning who I am who I keep around me is a natural progression.
Hugs,
JT
My oldest friend is more family to me than my family...she knows where all the bodies are buried and will call me on my crap. I don't expect that from her...it is just there.
Not sure where I am going except to say that it was me that expected more from "associations" than there really was. Today I do some things with some...others with others. I know who I can call and be honest with and I know who I can't.
It took time to sort through it all but it was worth it. As I am learning who I am who I keep around me is a natural progression.
Hugs,
JT
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