Anger frustration Hurt guilt compassion cycle

Old 05-03-2015, 09:41 AM
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Anger frustration Hurt guilt compassion cycle

Over the past two weeks since I found out He has a girlfriend I've been in this emotional cycle.

The addict deceived me in his pursuit of me. I got stuck as soon as I invested in it emotionally. Once the truth about his addiction surfaced, I confronted him out of despair and hurt, he shut down and punished me emotionally by ignoring me without facing me or communicating with me. That was a terrible way of handling an end of a relationship with someone you've know for 6 years and claimed to care about so much. The lie continued until I found he is in a committed relationship with his ex girlfriend whom he told me he didn't love and was crazy and he was only seeking sobriety guidance from her.

Why it's so difficult for me to let go and move on? One minute I feel happy for him that he finds someone who understands him and can support him through this battle of addiction together and a much better fit for him than me. The next minute I feel no I was deceived he has never completely broken up with her. He must have handled all relationships and love interests in a similar way and I was no exception. Who knows whether he is truly sober in recovery since he doesn't seem to be honest. He continued to lie to me right by omitting he has a girlfriend by telling me it's nice to keep in touch.
Then the next minute I feel guilty that I think of someone's sobriety this way.
Then I see their photo holding each other smiling so happily I feel sad. I've been praying for his recovery for as long as I know him. And got him to rehab. Now he comes out became this perfect man for another girl.

Then I feel no she was the real girl I was kept away from his drug use life. I was not real.

I met him when I was 24. I am 32 now. 8 years of my emotion feelings were devoted to this guy. Or so wasted on this guy. How could I be convinced by his claimed love towards me? The last time I saw him it was great. But it was not going anywhere. I wanted to communicate with him honestly about my feeling and genuinely gave him a choice. He refused to face me and blamed me for not trusting him.

I am an otherwise fairly attractive girl who is highly educated. But I now have little faith that I will ever be able to meet the right person and have a healthy relationship that leads to somewhere ever.

Why he won't make amends to me and apologize to me if he is in such a good place in his recovery? Why would he continue to say great to hear from me I care about you etc giving me the impression that he is focusing on his recovery when in reality he is in a relationship.

They are getting married soon and he is broadcasting their love. They seem like a miracle couple who supported each other through the darkest time of their addiction to opiate, alcohol, cocaine and heroine.

I never wanted anything other than honesty, a sincere conversation. He refused to do that. It was like once something is broken, he just throws it away and finds something new.

But perhaps they truly love each other since their feelings are built upon honesty. And U.S. Was just a fantasy since everything was a lie.

I haven't been doing very well mentally and emotionally. I 've been struggling. Someday I am better. I went to my first Al anon meeting and it was helpful. People understood me they went through the same emotions. I will go to a Nar anon meeting as well.

My other friends who don't understand addiction told me that I didn't support him enough and didn't control my anger well and not patient enough so no wonder he went to someone who can understand him better.
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Old 05-03-2015, 10:30 AM
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Ruthhoney, take care. What matters in all of this is YOU. Have faith that this terrible emotional turmoil can be endured and it will pass.

At some point, you will be able to untangle the feelings that you are having that seem so contradictory and are so intense. I think it is pretty normal to feel this way after having been committed to this man for so long.

For me, it took leaving my now ex husband of 20 years and then having time alone with myself to begin to sort out what really happened and who he really was and how he really treated me.

From what you are saying, this man has been and is waving a whole lot of red flags insistently at you even as his words say the opposite and entice you back into believing him.

He is an addict.
He lies.
He doesn't appear to have committed to recovery.
He punishes you when he doesn't like your behavior.
He probably cheated on you; at the least he denied an emotional relationship with a former girlfriend.
He has no concern for your feelings at all.

This is the truth of who he is and how he treats you from reading what you wrote above.

No matter how you feel or what you imagine or how hard you try to comprehend what motivated him, the facts are that he treated you badly.

I think you dodged a bullet. He is not someone with the history of trust, compassion, love, commitment, or honesty that you need for a good solid marriage.

I think you got free before you got trapped.

As time passes and you focus on yourself, who you are and who you want to be on your own, for yourself, you will believe in yourself more and believe in your self worth. That is hard when you are in a bad relationship with an addict who projects all the bad stuff in their lives onto you and blames you. From my experience, now almost 3 years out of a marriage to an abusive alcoholic narcissistic man, I am so much more content and peaceful and happy. And the people I am drawing toward me are so much healthier and happier. That can happen for you, too. There is life beyond life with addiction, and it is so much better.

Take care, and I am sure many more people will come to post and support you.

ShootingStar1
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Old 05-05-2015, 03:11 PM
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Hi Ruth,

Are you on Facebook or something to see this 'perfect' couple photo? She was an addict too? I'm concerned you are beating yourself up over a man who lies and has a nasty history of addiction. Is he really worth it? I suspect you are totally falling for a mirage. One picture does not a perfect couple make and YOU know this in your heart. You've lived through this guy's ups and downs for 8 years!

I think you have a decent amount of insight into this man being a liar and unable to be clear about relationship status. He pushed away those who love him which indicates an emotional immaturity and likely a lack of self esteem. I would not be surprised if he circled around again not long after the wedding hoping to keep you on the line...

Time to cut the line sweetie and find a man who
1. is sober
2. has a job
3. uses his vacation for vacation and not rehab
4. is honest
5. lives in reality

That is not asking much. I am sure you can edit this and add to it. Time to find a real partner and not some emotionally frozen lying bad boy.

Unless you think you aren't worth it. If that is a problem, just call up a counselor and work through it. You are 32 and old enough to work out your stuff. The younger you do it, the smoother your future will be. I promise.
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Old 05-05-2015, 07:39 PM
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Thanks Codejob. Yes I saw the photos from Facebook.

I feel like I've been addicted to the addict and it's no longer feelings that keep me trapped but an unhealthy obsession and focus on someone else's business. I should be happy that I discovered the lies and I should just move on. Yes she was an addict too. I bet his relationship with her probably never had a clean end either. I now remember a lot of red flag, all indicating that's how he handles conflicts in relationships.
My selfish and not so loving thought is that he really put himself together this time and they are back together in love while I was the one that meant nothing to him perhaps just someone who got him into rehab. I know this thought is very unloving and selfish. You are right I am old enough to mind my own business and work through my issues to find my happiness. His life really has nothing to do with me now. And it has always been his life and his choices. But I can have my life and my choices. It doesn't not need to revolve around him anymore.
Thank you for your post.
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