Pipedreamer

The most frustrating thing so far in my recovery is my memories. No not the memories I spoke of in my previous thread, but the memories of myself. 10 years ago, before I began heavy alcohol and substance abuse I was a quick witted, confident, outgoing, highly driven individual.I was confident to a fault in some people's eyes. If I believed I was right, I stuck to my guns. If I didn't agree with a decision I fought it. I didn't always win, but I took pride in knowing I would stand up for what I believed in. Now I feel like a spineless coward, if someone challenges me I cave. I have gone from a natural born leader to a recluse with with little ambition beyond putting in a days work and coming home. I blamed alcohol for melting my brain and drive because it became priority, get the day over so I could get back to the bottle sooner. 63 days in, I feel more energetic, I accomplish.more in a day, my memory is coming back, there are lots of positive changes but I still do not feel like the old Dustin. I feel like an old dog who's been kicked around and won't even eat unless he's told he's ok.I used to make decisions and not worry about the ramifications, now I second guess everything.
I WANT THE OLD ME BACK.
I guess my question is, have any of you experienced anything similar? Did you ever start feeling like that old self again? Or did you totally have to rebuild? If it came back, how long did it take?
I am SO frustrated with myself right now. Knowing who I was, what I could could have been, and fearing I threw it all away.

Dee74

Give yourself time to heal PD. If, like me, you drank for years, it may take a little while to recover the real you again, but you will.

I was so deep into my alcoholism I didn't even realise the real me was missing, so you're somewhat ahead of where I was.

I have the best of both worlds now.. the real me plus my experiences of addiction and beyond...

I can finally say I love who I've become

D

Pipedreamer

Thanks D. I really hope I can pull myself back together. It really hurts reflecting on how badly I hurt my life, not even realizing I was doing it. Not even when I decided to quit did I realize how badly I was broken, emotionally, financially. It was like waking from a coma, and seeing nothing but all the idiotic wrong turns i made

Dee74

It make take a little time to dig yourself out the hole - but you will feel the sun on your face again....

D

badhabbit

Pipedreamer,

I feel the same way. I second guess my every action now, especially important work decisions. The problem is still lingering but its not as bad as when I was drinking heavily. I've been sober for 38ish days now.

Lance40

Congrats on 63 days. In some ways 63 days can feel like a lifetime, and in other ways it's just getting started. Recovery is a continuous long-term process, so don't get discouraged. Not only can you get your old spark back, if you do the sobriety work you can grow by leaps and bounds beyond where you were at before everything went off the rails.

I'm nearing the 6 month mark and can relate to feeling exactly like you do. I lost my entire 30's in a fog of wasted spirit and lost memories. I can't pinpoint an exact moment when it started changing because it's been slow, continuous progress; but it wasn't until sometime in the 4th or 5th month that I felt like I started hitting my stride. Now I can hardly believe the difference between how I feel now and how I felt back then, and I have a feeling that there's so much more ground to cover.

Keep at it - I am confident you can do this.

Soberwolf

I think D said it spot on

PurpleKnight

63 Days is fantastic!!

Hang in there, with more time things will get better!!