mylulu

My husband has entered rehab for his alcoholism recently and I feel like I am learning so much. I don't blame myself for his drinking, but I am definitely learning that some of my behavior is enabling his drinking. We have been married for three months and when we met he was in recovery. About a month before the wedding he started drinking. He had gradually stopped going to AA and after the wedding he made many attempts at meetings and sobriety, but his longest dry period was fourteen days. That is when I said rehab or divorce. He has been in five days, and I have really come to understand how manipulative his behavior can be. He is doing well in rehab, I got to visit him today. His attitude is positive and apologetic. He has agreed to stay in rehab the full 28 days, but he has been discouraging me from getting too involved in the family meetings and al-anon meetings that are offered. He told me not to wear myself out driving there four times a week after work. Now, I am starting to think he isn't worried about wearing me out as much as he is worried I will learn a healthy and sane way to interact with him. Also, I get the feeling that he is trying to "protect" me by dealing with everything on his own. When he told me not to worry about all the meetings, I told him I wanted to be involved and I was coming to the family groups and al-anon. Anyway, I guess I am just having so many feelings right now and I am worried about when he gets out and what I should be doing and on and on and on. Any advice would be appreciated.

Live

there are people here far wiser than i and they will be along shortly.

go to every meeting you want to. the information is priceless!

Ann

Lulu

Welcome to our forum. By all means go to those meetings, they are designed to help YOU deal with all of this and to help you regain your balance, now and when he gets out.

He may be afraid that the meetings will teach you how to let go of his addiction and his recovery, and he is right, but not in the way he thinks. They are just simply about you finding your way and setting your boundaries on what is acceptable in your life and what is not.

My son is an addict and meetings saved my life, literally.

Please do yourself the biggest favour ever and begin your own program of recovery.

Hugs and prayers for both you and your husband
Ann

mylulu

Ann and liveweyerd,
I appreciate the feedback. I went to a total of four al-anon meetings before my husband started drinking again, and the irony is, I stopped going after he started drinking. I guess that was my shame and embarrasment phase. Anyway, I feel really positive right now. Without going into a lot of detail, our first three months of marriage have not been ideal due to my husband's drinking, but after my first family group I had a real aha moment. Much of my behavior in response to my husband's drinking (hunting the house for alcohol, sniffing his drinks, searching his car, yelling, pleading, crying, hiding keys, beer etc) was just reenforcing his behavior and keeping a cycle of guilt going, not to mention driving me nuts. I also went through a resentment phase, while I work and keep the household together all focus was on him and his drinking, him and getting into rehab. But like I said, just my first meeting gave me back a sense of control over my own peace of mind. And reading these boards has been really helpful.

best

causing you to get upset NOT reenforcing his behavior. As you go to meetings and even just rereading your own post, you can see you were reacting to his behavior and thus being pulled in to his issue of drinking.
You can't stop him from drinking any more then you can force a drink down his throat. His drinking is his problem that only he can make a choice to stop and find help.

Best I think you could do... meetings and find what you can do to help you. That is the best way you can help him as well.

cwohio

mylulu - keep doing what you need to do for YOU. meetings will help as the others have said above.

prayers to you for you and your husband - cwohio