I Left the Chaos
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NM
Posts: 96
I Left the Chaos
So, about a week ago, I broke off the engagement with my fiance because I finally decided that I had enough. She was an important part of my life for two years, and I loved her more than anything. When she was sober, we had a great time, we talked about a lot, we did everything together. She was my best friend and lover. But, she had a problem with alcohol and drugs that I failed to see for two years.
We moved in together about six months ago, and I proposed within a week or two. She would smoke pot on occassion, but it never really was a problem. She would get drunk every time that we went to a party, but I didn't really see it as a problem. I thought I was helping by being there, even if it meant leaving work to go get her or forsaking my studies to help her. Since we moved in, though, the problems just got worse.
I got a job working the morning shift, so we could afford the apartment. She worked in the evenings, so she wouldn't see me as often. She acted very needy when I had to go to work, and sometimes tried to delay getting ready. She would either drink or smoke while I was gone, and I usually came back to find the place still a mess. I was cleaning most of the time.
The first thing she did to make me consider leaving occurred when I came home from work one afternoon. I came home, and she was drunk with a friend. She also invited a friend that I asked her not to because that friend was always drunk and caused havoc for everyone else. I caved and told her I'd give her a chance, since she was already there. I wound up having to kick out her friend because they started fighting and throwing punches. The neighbors threatened to call the cops for the noise. I was really embarassed.
I talked to her about it the next day, and she didn't remember a thing. She said she was so sorry for putting me through that, and it wouldn't happen again. It was at this point that I realized that she always blacked out when she drank. She never remembered anything, and I always remembered having to take care of her or keep her from hurting herself by accident. Sometimes, I tried to tell her the things she did or said when she was blacked out drunk, but she would just yell at me. She would tell me I was critizing her and making it worse for her. She called me some really hurtful things any time I tried to talk sense or tell her about what her drinking put me through.
Within a few months, she wanted to go drinking again. I didn't really like drinking with her because it always meant I would have to deal with a situation. I told her I didn't really like drinking, but she said that I was boring and didn't want her to have any fun. She made me feel bad about not wanting to go get drunk at some club. There was always some drama. I never trusted her when she was drunk because she told me that she had cheated on her boyfriends while drunk in the past, but I was the best thing that ever happened to her. She said she would never do anything to risk losing me.
That moment came a few months later. She wanted to go drinking and dancing with her friend, but I told her it wasn't a good idea. I reminded her of everything that happens when she drinks, but she chose to ignore me. I told her I didn't want to always have to take care of her and make sure she didn't cheat on me, so she could go with her friend if that's what she wanted to do. A few hours later, her friend shows up at my doorstep at 2 or 3 in the morning and tells me they had an argument, so she left her alone at my neighbor's apartment.
My neighbor was a lesbian, and she had been aggressively flirting with my fiance. I told my fiance that I wasn't comfortable with her going to party with my neighbor due to one experience that happened while we were drinking there. While I was there with her, my lesbian neighbor was really wasted and touching my fiance. They went to the bathroom for about 30 minutes, and they were locked inside. I started to worry. They came out, and my fiance said nothing happened. I talked to her about it the next day, and she said I was weird for worrying about it. She said I should be excited that she wanted to explore her sexuality. She said it wasn't cheating if it was with a girl, and I told her it's cheating if it's with another person. She was angry when I brought it up.
Anyway, I went to get her from my neighbor's at 3 in the morning. She was passed out drunk on my neighbor's bed. As we were leaving, my fiance kissed my lesbian neighbor on the mouth right in front of me. I had to literally carry her up the stairs because she couldn't do it herself. She was completely gone. The next day we talked about her kissing my neighbor, and she didn't see it as a problem. My neighbor texted my fiance, and told her that she had kissed another guy at her apartment. My fiance came to me sobbing and crying because she thought she had betrayed me. I was really angry with her, but I told her she was allowed one mistake. I told her that being faithful isn't just about not doing the behavior, but it's about not putting yourself in a situation where it could happen. She said she just needed to learn to control her drinking and keep from getting drunk. She said that several times over the last six months. I tried getting her to understand that she probably shouldn't drink at all, but she wouldn't hear it. Instead, we agreed that she would only drink if I was there.
I'm not sure why I chose to forgive her, but maybe it's because I'm a codependent. I didn't want to see her go. I wanted to be the hero that could take anything. I hit my limit eventually, though.
We went to visit her dad about a month ago. We've visited her dad countless times, and we've usually had a few drinks. Although he has a history of abuse, he seemed like a changed man. My world was rocked that night, though. We came home from drinking, and my fiance began talking to him about the abuse. She started berating and accusing him. He wouldn't admit to what he had done. The argument got really heated, and I packed our things to leave. Before we could leave, he became really angry and threatened to kill himself with a gun. He was holding the gun to his head, and I immediately grabbed it to take it away. It pointed in my fiance's direction a few times, as I struggled to keep it pointed away. I managed to get the gun and run away. She told me later that he shoved and kicked her after I had escaped with the gun.
We drove off, and I called her mom and brother. She was really mad that I got them involved. It was hard enough getting her in the car and convincing her to leave. She made me feel guilty for involving them because she said that they would judge her behavior. I told her then that we should never go back, and she said I should have just let him kill her. She didn't even thank me for saving her and her dad's lives.
I woke up that night and started noticing other behavior. I realized that it wasn't sane. She wanted to go back to visit her dad the night after, even after I objected to going. I told her it didn't matter if he apologized, that he had broken our trust. She guilted me into visiting him again, and I was afraid he would do something.
I started noticing that after she had quit her job, I was the only one working to pay the bills. I paid her car payments for two months and her rent for two months. I thought I was helping her. When we got the apartment, she agreed that she would work to pay half the rent. Instead of getting a job, she smoked pot all the time. I tried to talk to her about getting a job, but she insisted I was just making her feel bad. She would slam doors or get angry when I asked her where she had tried applying. I tried to suggest things she could do, but all I got was anger from her.
She eventually considered dealing as an option, but I objected to this heavily. I told her it really wasn't a good idea. She insisted that I was just crushing her dreams. She told me I was the problem, and that I worried too much. I felt like nothing I said would make a difference, and if I said anything, she would just yell and scream and make me feel like a bad person.
It was at this point that I decided to leave. I cut contact with her, and I moved out all my things. It hurts so much because she became someone else. She was a great person to be with, and I had a lot of great times with her. By the end, she was no longer that person. I dreaded having to take care of her while she was drunk. I feared for my own and her safety. I saw that she wasn't making good decisions, and she was starting to be friends again with the girl that I banned from our apartment. I considered my options of just talking to her about it, but I realized that she would apologize but go right back to the behavior. I decided it was time to let her be herself, no matter how much it hurt us.
I got out, and for a few days, she tried really hard to contact me. She saw it as a betrayal when I told her mom about the drugs and the drinking. She said I went behind her back, and that she didn't have a problem. She said it was just how she is. I wrote her a letter explaining why I left, and it's up to her if she reads it. She wrote one to me before I sent mine, and she said that she forgave me for leaving, as if I had done something wrong. She didn't admit to anything that she did, and she said not to listen to anyone else, not to trust anyone but myself and her about how our relationship was. She made it seem that I had left something great, but I certainly don't feel that way.
It hurts so much to leave and to stop trying to fix her, but I've realized that I couldn't make a difference. She's the only one that can choose when her life is bad enough. I'm just sorry that it had to come to this, but I'm starting to see that I'm better off not living in the chaos and the insanity.
We moved in together about six months ago, and I proposed within a week or two. She would smoke pot on occassion, but it never really was a problem. She would get drunk every time that we went to a party, but I didn't really see it as a problem. I thought I was helping by being there, even if it meant leaving work to go get her or forsaking my studies to help her. Since we moved in, though, the problems just got worse.
I got a job working the morning shift, so we could afford the apartment. She worked in the evenings, so she wouldn't see me as often. She acted very needy when I had to go to work, and sometimes tried to delay getting ready. She would either drink or smoke while I was gone, and I usually came back to find the place still a mess. I was cleaning most of the time.
The first thing she did to make me consider leaving occurred when I came home from work one afternoon. I came home, and she was drunk with a friend. She also invited a friend that I asked her not to because that friend was always drunk and caused havoc for everyone else. I caved and told her I'd give her a chance, since she was already there. I wound up having to kick out her friend because they started fighting and throwing punches. The neighbors threatened to call the cops for the noise. I was really embarassed.
I talked to her about it the next day, and she didn't remember a thing. She said she was so sorry for putting me through that, and it wouldn't happen again. It was at this point that I realized that she always blacked out when she drank. She never remembered anything, and I always remembered having to take care of her or keep her from hurting herself by accident. Sometimes, I tried to tell her the things she did or said when she was blacked out drunk, but she would just yell at me. She would tell me I was critizing her and making it worse for her. She called me some really hurtful things any time I tried to talk sense or tell her about what her drinking put me through.
Within a few months, she wanted to go drinking again. I didn't really like drinking with her because it always meant I would have to deal with a situation. I told her I didn't really like drinking, but she said that I was boring and didn't want her to have any fun. She made me feel bad about not wanting to go get drunk at some club. There was always some drama. I never trusted her when she was drunk because she told me that she had cheated on her boyfriends while drunk in the past, but I was the best thing that ever happened to her. She said she would never do anything to risk losing me.
That moment came a few months later. She wanted to go drinking and dancing with her friend, but I told her it wasn't a good idea. I reminded her of everything that happens when she drinks, but she chose to ignore me. I told her I didn't want to always have to take care of her and make sure she didn't cheat on me, so she could go with her friend if that's what she wanted to do. A few hours later, her friend shows up at my doorstep at 2 or 3 in the morning and tells me they had an argument, so she left her alone at my neighbor's apartment.
My neighbor was a lesbian, and she had been aggressively flirting with my fiance. I told my fiance that I wasn't comfortable with her going to party with my neighbor due to one experience that happened while we were drinking there. While I was there with her, my lesbian neighbor was really wasted and touching my fiance. They went to the bathroom for about 30 minutes, and they were locked inside. I started to worry. They came out, and my fiance said nothing happened. I talked to her about it the next day, and she said I was weird for worrying about it. She said I should be excited that she wanted to explore her sexuality. She said it wasn't cheating if it was with a girl, and I told her it's cheating if it's with another person. She was angry when I brought it up.
Anyway, I went to get her from my neighbor's at 3 in the morning. She was passed out drunk on my neighbor's bed. As we were leaving, my fiance kissed my lesbian neighbor on the mouth right in front of me. I had to literally carry her up the stairs because she couldn't do it herself. She was completely gone. The next day we talked about her kissing my neighbor, and she didn't see it as a problem. My neighbor texted my fiance, and told her that she had kissed another guy at her apartment. My fiance came to me sobbing and crying because she thought she had betrayed me. I was really angry with her, but I told her she was allowed one mistake. I told her that being faithful isn't just about not doing the behavior, but it's about not putting yourself in a situation where it could happen. She said she just needed to learn to control her drinking and keep from getting drunk. She said that several times over the last six months. I tried getting her to understand that she probably shouldn't drink at all, but she wouldn't hear it. Instead, we agreed that she would only drink if I was there.
I'm not sure why I chose to forgive her, but maybe it's because I'm a codependent. I didn't want to see her go. I wanted to be the hero that could take anything. I hit my limit eventually, though.
We went to visit her dad about a month ago. We've visited her dad countless times, and we've usually had a few drinks. Although he has a history of abuse, he seemed like a changed man. My world was rocked that night, though. We came home from drinking, and my fiance began talking to him about the abuse. She started berating and accusing him. He wouldn't admit to what he had done. The argument got really heated, and I packed our things to leave. Before we could leave, he became really angry and threatened to kill himself with a gun. He was holding the gun to his head, and I immediately grabbed it to take it away. It pointed in my fiance's direction a few times, as I struggled to keep it pointed away. I managed to get the gun and run away. She told me later that he shoved and kicked her after I had escaped with the gun.
We drove off, and I called her mom and brother. She was really mad that I got them involved. It was hard enough getting her in the car and convincing her to leave. She made me feel guilty for involving them because she said that they would judge her behavior. I told her then that we should never go back, and she said I should have just let him kill her. She didn't even thank me for saving her and her dad's lives.
I woke up that night and started noticing other behavior. I realized that it wasn't sane. She wanted to go back to visit her dad the night after, even after I objected to going. I told her it didn't matter if he apologized, that he had broken our trust. She guilted me into visiting him again, and I was afraid he would do something.
I started noticing that after she had quit her job, I was the only one working to pay the bills. I paid her car payments for two months and her rent for two months. I thought I was helping her. When we got the apartment, she agreed that she would work to pay half the rent. Instead of getting a job, she smoked pot all the time. I tried to talk to her about getting a job, but she insisted I was just making her feel bad. She would slam doors or get angry when I asked her where she had tried applying. I tried to suggest things she could do, but all I got was anger from her.
She eventually considered dealing as an option, but I objected to this heavily. I told her it really wasn't a good idea. She insisted that I was just crushing her dreams. She told me I was the problem, and that I worried too much. I felt like nothing I said would make a difference, and if I said anything, she would just yell and scream and make me feel like a bad person.
It was at this point that I decided to leave. I cut contact with her, and I moved out all my things. It hurts so much because she became someone else. She was a great person to be with, and I had a lot of great times with her. By the end, she was no longer that person. I dreaded having to take care of her while she was drunk. I feared for my own and her safety. I saw that she wasn't making good decisions, and she was starting to be friends again with the girl that I banned from our apartment. I considered my options of just talking to her about it, but I realized that she would apologize but go right back to the behavior. I decided it was time to let her be herself, no matter how much it hurt us.
I got out, and for a few days, she tried really hard to contact me. She saw it as a betrayal when I told her mom about the drugs and the drinking. She said I went behind her back, and that she didn't have a problem. She said it was just how she is. I wrote her a letter explaining why I left, and it's up to her if she reads it. She wrote one to me before I sent mine, and she said that she forgave me for leaving, as if I had done something wrong. She didn't admit to anything that she did, and she said not to listen to anyone else, not to trust anyone but myself and her about how our relationship was. She made it seem that I had left something great, but I certainly don't feel that way.
It hurts so much to leave and to stop trying to fix her, but I've realized that I couldn't make a difference. She's the only one that can choose when her life is bad enough. I'm just sorry that it had to come to this, but I'm starting to see that I'm better off not living in the chaos and the insanity.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I just wanted to say hi and congratulations in leaving the chaos. No one needs that mess and you deserve better treatment in a relationship not built on self-centered destruction and manipulation. Congrats in getting out now and not finding yourself 10 years down the road with 3 kids.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Holy snapping duckturds what a ride. And welcome. And glad you're off it.
Tell you what though: just because you're off the ride (congratulations!) and because you know it was the right thing doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
So I'm glad you're here. Man, with all that crazy, I'm glad you're anywhere. And I'm saying that with a lot of love and compassion because trust me, I've been on a similar crazy ride.
So tell us what hurts. What you think. What you need. I can pretty much guarantee most of us get it. Hugs!!!
Tell you what though: just because you're off the ride (congratulations!) and because you know it was the right thing doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
So I'm glad you're here. Man, with all that crazy, I'm glad you're anywhere. And I'm saying that with a lot of love and compassion because trust me, I've been on a similar crazy ride.
So tell us what hurts. What you think. What you need. I can pretty much guarantee most of us get it. Hugs!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NM
Posts: 96
Thank you for the replies. It just hurts because I planned a future with this girl, and I didn't catch the manipulation early on. She would threaten to leave whenver I tried to talk sense to her about drinking or smoking pot. She would tell me things that hurt my self esteem, and she said I shouldn't listen to my parents because they're just bad people. I really should have been honest and forthcoming with this stuff to them long ago, and maybe it would not have been this bad. She wanted me to keep secrets from them, and she was always shy and ashamed to talk to them. She didn't want me telling them about her drug or alcohol usage, especially the incident with her dad.
It really just hurts because I poured out my everything for this girl. I gave her everything that a good person could give her, and I thought she would get better. Instead, I just got dragged in to the insanity. She wound up exactly where she was when she hit her bottom before. She went back to the behavior that caused her to lose everything. I became the enabler, and I made it okay for her to go back to those behaviors. I started taking her side, even though I knew my side made more sense. If I tried to take my own side, she would just say I didn't love her or didn't care about her. She never understood that there is a different way of doing things.
I wrote her a long letter detailing every reason why I chose to leave, but even now, I still have trouble wondering if she even read it. I'm still trying to help her even though I'm out of the relationship. I have to recognize that there's nothing more that I can do to help her, and I already tried my best. If she wants to change, she will change. Until the consequences are too much to bear, she won't change. I have to accept that.
I got a letter back from her saying that she apologized for nothing. She insisted that she did nothing wrong, but she only said sorry for "becoming a negative part" of my life. She insisted that my parents had warped my view of our relationship, so it was as if I didn't decide to leave on my own. She made it seem crazy to listen to other people about what we went through, but so far, no one has told me that I should have stayed. I'm starting to realize that she's the crazy one. I'm just glad that I didn't die, and that I had a chance to get out and give us both a chance to turn our lives around. Whether she does is up to her.
Thanks to everyone for the support.
It really just hurts because I poured out my everything for this girl. I gave her everything that a good person could give her, and I thought she would get better. Instead, I just got dragged in to the insanity. She wound up exactly where she was when she hit her bottom before. She went back to the behavior that caused her to lose everything. I became the enabler, and I made it okay for her to go back to those behaviors. I started taking her side, even though I knew my side made more sense. If I tried to take my own side, she would just say I didn't love her or didn't care about her. She never understood that there is a different way of doing things.
I wrote her a long letter detailing every reason why I chose to leave, but even now, I still have trouble wondering if she even read it. I'm still trying to help her even though I'm out of the relationship. I have to recognize that there's nothing more that I can do to help her, and I already tried my best. If she wants to change, she will change. Until the consequences are too much to bear, she won't change. I have to accept that.
I got a letter back from her saying that she apologized for nothing. She insisted that she did nothing wrong, but she only said sorry for "becoming a negative part" of my life. She insisted that my parents had warped my view of our relationship, so it was as if I didn't decide to leave on my own. She made it seem crazy to listen to other people about what we went through, but so far, no one has told me that I should have stayed. I'm starting to realize that she's the crazy one. I'm just glad that I didn't die, and that I had a chance to get out and give us both a chance to turn our lives around. Whether she does is up to her.
Thanks to everyone for the support.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome!
I so feel you and good job for stepping away.
I got super wrapped up in my XAH. Whether he was lying, whether he was honest. Whether he was secretly drinking. Whether he was truly an alcoholic. The fact that he was secretly smoking and lying about it. Whether he was hiding alcohol. Where he was hiding it. The fact that he was depressed and wouldn't get help. Ad infinitum.
Eventually, after I left, I saw all the serenity available to me.
I wanted him his old way (more together and us happy) SOOOO much, I didn't allow myself to see how much nonsense was going on. I argued with it, denied it, tried to get him to change, tried to accept it, suffered, and eventually left.
I get to choose how much drama I involve myself with - both how much drama I make in my head and how much I accept from other people.
I don't bring too much drama. I bring people in that have their act together, in general.
It's a much gentler existence.
Check out Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It really helped me.
peace
I so feel you and good job for stepping away.
I got super wrapped up in my XAH. Whether he was lying, whether he was honest. Whether he was secretly drinking. Whether he was truly an alcoholic. The fact that he was secretly smoking and lying about it. Whether he was hiding alcohol. Where he was hiding it. The fact that he was depressed and wouldn't get help. Ad infinitum.
Eventually, after I left, I saw all the serenity available to me.
I wanted him his old way (more together and us happy) SOOOO much, I didn't allow myself to see how much nonsense was going on. I argued with it, denied it, tried to get him to change, tried to accept it, suffered, and eventually left.
I get to choose how much drama I involve myself with - both how much drama I make in my head and how much I accept from other people.
I don't bring too much drama. I bring people in that have their act together, in general.
It's a much gentler existence.
Check out Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It really helped me.
peace
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by noinsanity2423 
I'm starting to see that I'm better off not living in the chaos and the insanity.
Given that alcoholism is a progressive disease, can you imagine what would have awaited you down the road? It boggles the mind...
I'm glad that you are out of that situation, and I hope you continue to seek learning and growth for yourself so that you never find yourself in such a spot again. SR is a great place to work on this, and the recommendation for "Codependent No More" is great, too--actually, I think anything of Melody Beattie's will be helpful.
Keep hanging around, keep sharing your progress, keep telling us what you're learning--your post may be what gives someone else inspiration or understanding. Wishing you strength and clarity!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NM
Posts: 96
Thanks for the advice. I've had several people recommend that book to me. I've been attending Celebrate Recovery, which is the Christian version of AA. I'm going back to church, and I've put myself into counseling. You're absolutely right. I should be able to decide when and where the drama will occur. With her, she always brought in drama with her drinking. She'd apologize for it, and she'd do it again a few weeks later. I thought she couldn't be an alcoholic because she didn't do this every day. I thought being an alcoholic meant drinking every day and not being able to function. Once I understood the "functioning" alcoholic, it made sense. She wasn't able to control her drinking any time she drank. Even though it happened roughly once every few weeks, she still wasn't able to control it, despite the number of times she told me she would. I found myself worrying if she would cheat if she went to the bar and got drunk, so I let her convince me to go every time. The one time I let up, she kissed another guy. I started seeing where her actions and words were different. She'd apologize, but she always wanted to go right back to the behavior. She wanted to have three lovers: me, the alcohol, and the pot. She couldn't let go of any of them, so I left it up to her to pick her favorite.
Honestly, I don't want to think about where I'd be if I let this go on for longer. I already almost died, and I already almost got kicked out of the apartment because drunk people were invited over while I was at work. She got drunk while I was at work and invited her friend that I had banned. Everything that I told her that her friend would do, she did. She invited her anyway.
I'm starting to see that there was a lot of emotional manipulation, too. I stopped talking to my friends and family because she told me they weren't good people. We became each others' best friend. She never liked my friends. She wanted me to go hang out with them by myself. The same for my family. She had no interest in hanging out with them, but she took me over to her family's place dozens of times. It was about controlling me, so I wouldn't see her faults and leave her. She was incredibly afraid that I would come to my senses and leave. She would get insecure and say that I had another woman or I was going to leave her for another woman. I had no intention of doing so, and I made that clear in my letter. I'm not leaving her because I don't love her. I'm leaving the behavior and the hurt that she caused me. When she fixes it, and shows me that she can get better, we'll talk to a counselor to see where we stand. So far, she's showed no intention of changing, so I guess it's time to move on with my life.
Honestly, I don't want to think about where I'd be if I let this go on for longer. I already almost died, and I already almost got kicked out of the apartment because drunk people were invited over while I was at work. She got drunk while I was at work and invited her friend that I had banned. Everything that I told her that her friend would do, she did. She invited her anyway.
I'm starting to see that there was a lot of emotional manipulation, too. I stopped talking to my friends and family because she told me they weren't good people. We became each others' best friend. She never liked my friends. She wanted me to go hang out with them by myself. The same for my family. She had no interest in hanging out with them, but she took me over to her family's place dozens of times. It was about controlling me, so I wouldn't see her faults and leave her. She was incredibly afraid that I would come to my senses and leave. She would get insecure and say that I had another woman or I was going to leave her for another woman. I had no intention of doing so, and I made that clear in my letter. I'm not leaving her because I don't love her. I'm leaving the behavior and the hurt that she caused me. When she fixes it, and shows me that she can get better, we'll talk to a counselor to see where we stand. So far, she's showed no intention of changing, so I guess it's time to move on with my life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NM
Posts: 96
It's been almost a month since I left my alcoholic, promiscuous, verbally abusive, and drug addicted fiancé. Since then my life has gotten better. I'm no longer having to deal with the chaos and drama she caused, and I'm starting to realize that her behavior no longer has an effect on me. I wrote her a letter explaining why I left. She showed no signs of changing, so I stopped talking to her.
In the last couple of weeks, I guess she gave our apartment key to her alcoholic brother. I got a call from management saying that the neighbors complained about party noise, but she thought we were moved out. Our lease isn't up until 5/31, but I told her we were moved out. We went to look at the apartment and found her brother's things along with a drunken mess (beer bottles and various forms of alcohol everywhere), and the door was unlocked. The apartment manager took my side because she was pretty sure my ex fiancé caused the mess with her brother, and she agreed to clean the mess and take the money from my ex fiancé's security deposit. She changed the locks for me, too, and after I apologized to the neighbor downstairs, who was really understanding, I asked her to call the police if she heard any noise coming from upstairs.
I fell into the trap of replying to a message my ex sent me where she appeared to threaten harm to herself. She quickly started blaming me for leaving once I replied and told a couple of her family members about the message. Instead of choosing to listen to me and get better, she blamed me for leaving and said why I left was just lies and excuses. She blamed me for telling her family about her habits, and she said I ruined her life because now everyone knows how messed up she is. She said that she would have quit if I had stayed and she needed my help to quit, but I've seen through that lie. I replied explaining how her behavior hurt me, and she replied with insults and attacks. I told her those no longer affect me. I explained it every way I could that she gave me no choice to leave and if she really loved me that she would choose to get better. She insisted that there isn't a problem. I told her goodbye and blocked any way that she could message me. I've accepted that I have no control over her behavior, and I don't need to let what she does to herself affect me.
I've been in counseling and twelve step studies every week since I left, and I've started to see how she manipulated me at every point in the relationship. I'm starting to see things from a different perspective, and I'm learning tools to help me understand my codependency and how to prevent this from ever happening again. I never want to repeat this lesson, as it has been the most painful one that I ever learned. The good side from all this is that I can get my own life back on track and work on myself. Just this month, I lost about 15 lbs, gained muscle mass, and I'm starting to look healthier than I have in two years. I don't feel like I'm going to have a heart attack every minute of the day anymore. I'm free from the chains she put on me, and I'm better for it.
In the last couple of weeks, I guess she gave our apartment key to her alcoholic brother. I got a call from management saying that the neighbors complained about party noise, but she thought we were moved out. Our lease isn't up until 5/31, but I told her we were moved out. We went to look at the apartment and found her brother's things along with a drunken mess (beer bottles and various forms of alcohol everywhere), and the door was unlocked. The apartment manager took my side because she was pretty sure my ex fiancé caused the mess with her brother, and she agreed to clean the mess and take the money from my ex fiancé's security deposit. She changed the locks for me, too, and after I apologized to the neighbor downstairs, who was really understanding, I asked her to call the police if she heard any noise coming from upstairs.
I fell into the trap of replying to a message my ex sent me where she appeared to threaten harm to herself. She quickly started blaming me for leaving once I replied and told a couple of her family members about the message. Instead of choosing to listen to me and get better, she blamed me for leaving and said why I left was just lies and excuses. She blamed me for telling her family about her habits, and she said I ruined her life because now everyone knows how messed up she is. She said that she would have quit if I had stayed and she needed my help to quit, but I've seen through that lie. I replied explaining how her behavior hurt me, and she replied with insults and attacks. I told her those no longer affect me. I explained it every way I could that she gave me no choice to leave and if she really loved me that she would choose to get better. She insisted that there isn't a problem. I told her goodbye and blocked any way that she could message me. I've accepted that I have no control over her behavior, and I don't need to let what she does to herself affect me.
I've been in counseling and twelve step studies every week since I left, and I've started to see how she manipulated me at every point in the relationship. I'm starting to see things from a different perspective, and I'm learning tools to help me understand my codependency and how to prevent this from ever happening again. I never want to repeat this lesson, as it has been the most painful one that I ever learned. The good side from all this is that I can get my own life back on track and work on myself. Just this month, I lost about 15 lbs, gained muscle mass, and I'm starting to look healthier than I have in two years. I don't feel like I'm going to have a heart attack every minute of the day anymore. I'm free from the chains she put on me, and I'm better for it.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I'm glad to hear that you are doing so well.
This woman has more issues than alcoholism I hope you recognize that. Its clear to me she has a personality disorder, or something else going on.
Would probably be best to cut ties with her family members as well. This person cannot be influenced and is not open to suggestion. Glad you have blocked her.
This woman has more issues than alcoholism I hope you recognize that. Its clear to me she has a personality disorder, or something else going on.
Would probably be best to cut ties with her family members as well. This person cannot be influenced and is not open to suggestion. Glad you have blocked her.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome! I missed your earlier posts (I travel for business) but it sounds like you're doing great. So glad your landlady was so understanding and supportive. You've got a lot going for you right now. Keep it up! It takes time to heal from a mess like this, but you're well on your way and doing all the right stuff.
Hope you'll stick around.
Hope you'll stick around.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NM
Posts: 96
Originally Posted by redatlanta
I'm glad to hear that you are doing so well.
This woman has more issues than alcoholism I hope you recognize that. Its clear to me she has a personality disorder, or something else going on.
Would probably be best to cut ties with her family members as well. This person cannot be influenced and is not open to suggestion. Glad you have blocked her.
This woman has more issues than alcoholism I hope you recognize that. Its clear to me she has a personality disorder, or something else going on.
Would probably be best to cut ties with her family members as well. This person cannot be influenced and is not open to suggestion. Glad you have blocked her.
Alcoholism is not her only issue. Her dad put her through years of sexual and emotional abuse. She grew up in a broken and unhappy home. She never went to counseling. She never talked to a psychologist. She never went through recovery. She was like this before I met her, and I failed to apply what my parents (who've been through recovery) taught me when I was young: The best predictor for future behavior is past behavior.
I took her word for it when she said she was better instead of making sure she was already in recovery, in counseling, and sober before we started dating. The drinking was there within the first week of us dating, but I failed to notice her harmful behavior until it was too late. I just thought she couldn't handle her liquor. I made excuses and told myself, "She'll sober up soon." When she verbally abused me, I told myself, "She'll calm down," even though she made me feel horrible about myself. I also told myself she would never cheat on me like she cheated on them. I thought I could help, but after two years, I've seen that I can't. Trying to stay in the system and help just leads to more pain for me. It's better to be out.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32
Wow, so you're the male version of me huh? I read your reply to read this, it's like a Jerry Springer show. How the hell does this happen, and somehow we get sucked into this craziness that our partner finds to be "normal"? Lying, cheating, dismissal of feelings, drinking, drugs, it's all a crazy mess!! But it's THEIR crazy mess. You did the right thing, and I totally get how we become codependent, focus always on them because we can trust ourselves, it's them we can't trust, with reason too! We try and control them from hurting themselves and hurting us, but they always find a way right? They are very good at manipulating...I'm sorry for what you and everyone else here is going through. Damn.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NM
Posts: 96
So, I revisited this thread today because it's been close to five months since I broke off my engagement and moved on with my life. I've been able to see that leaving her was the best decision I ever made, and it was the only choice that was different from the destructive pattern of choices I made prior. These are some things that I'm grateful for:
1) I don't have to drink to deal with her anymore.
2) I haven't had a drink since I made this initial thread.
3) I've made much better friends through recovery meetings than I ever had before.
4) I have friends that care about my wellbeing and want to improve me rather than encourage me to drink like they do.
5) I'm not scared all the time or living on edge in fear of what the next five seconds will bring.
6) I'm back to a healthy weight after losing about thirty pounds. I don't even exercise that regularly.
7) I have a job, and I'm not worrying about what's going on at home while I'm at work.
8) I can come home, relax, and do my homework without having to fight with someone or get yelled at for not paying constant attention to them.
9) I don't get yelled at if I come home ten minutes late because I was helping a customer or couldn't get the day off because work told me I had to work that day.
10) I can live my own life without worrying about what someone else thinks of it.
11) No one has called me an a**hole in over 4 months.
12) No one has accused me of being things I'm not.
13) I haven't had my life put in danger or had to deal with someone else's crisis.
14) I'm able to focus on myself and concentrate on my studies, so I can finally finish my degree.
15) I didn't die or get arrested because of someone else's dumb choices.
16) I don't feel second to anyone or like I'm obligated to fix their problems.
17) I met a girl that actually respects me, and I'm learning what respect is.
18) I'm allowed to have my own wants and needs.
19) I'm paying off the debt that I accumulated with my ex. I'm not worried about running out of money anymore.
20) My girlfriend hasn't once yelled at me or said something to make me feel bad to get what she wanted. I feel empowered by understanding abusive relationships and knowing what the early signs are.
21) I don't feel shame or embarassment about my girlfriend's family, and my family actually got to meet them this time.
22) I'm living my own life-- not someone else's.
23) I realized the truth about the life I was living with her, admitted it, and it has set me free.
Anyway, those are just a few things that I thought of. Every day is a struggle in recovery, and I'm working on getting her out of my head for good. I still get memories of the life I lived with her, and the hurt comes and goes, but overall it's much better.
I've realized how insane I was by thinking that she was the exception to every rule when she really was just like every statistic out there. The abuse makes sense now. She used the abuse to keep me trapped and blinded, so I wouldn't figure her out. Once I did, I couldn't stay. Some new memories about things she did or said when viewed in the context of who she really is take on a whole new meaning, so I'm able to understand the early warning signs.
My life is better without the addict, and I'm free. I can be myself.
1) I don't have to drink to deal with her anymore.
2) I haven't had a drink since I made this initial thread.
3) I've made much better friends through recovery meetings than I ever had before.
4) I have friends that care about my wellbeing and want to improve me rather than encourage me to drink like they do.
5) I'm not scared all the time or living on edge in fear of what the next five seconds will bring.
6) I'm back to a healthy weight after losing about thirty pounds. I don't even exercise that regularly.
7) I have a job, and I'm not worrying about what's going on at home while I'm at work.
8) I can come home, relax, and do my homework without having to fight with someone or get yelled at for not paying constant attention to them.
9) I don't get yelled at if I come home ten minutes late because I was helping a customer or couldn't get the day off because work told me I had to work that day.
10) I can live my own life without worrying about what someone else thinks of it.
11) No one has called me an a**hole in over 4 months.
12) No one has accused me of being things I'm not.
13) I haven't had my life put in danger or had to deal with someone else's crisis.
14) I'm able to focus on myself and concentrate on my studies, so I can finally finish my degree.
15) I didn't die or get arrested because of someone else's dumb choices.
16) I don't feel second to anyone or like I'm obligated to fix their problems.
17) I met a girl that actually respects me, and I'm learning what respect is.
18) I'm allowed to have my own wants and needs.
19) I'm paying off the debt that I accumulated with my ex. I'm not worried about running out of money anymore.
20) My girlfriend hasn't once yelled at me or said something to make me feel bad to get what she wanted. I feel empowered by understanding abusive relationships and knowing what the early signs are.
21) I don't feel shame or embarassment about my girlfriend's family, and my family actually got to meet them this time.
22) I'm living my own life-- not someone else's.
23) I realized the truth about the life I was living with her, admitted it, and it has set me free.
Anyway, those are just a few things that I thought of. Every day is a struggle in recovery, and I'm working on getting her out of my head for good. I still get memories of the life I lived with her, and the hurt comes and goes, but overall it's much better.
I've realized how insane I was by thinking that she was the exception to every rule when she really was just like every statistic out there. The abuse makes sense now. She used the abuse to keep me trapped and blinded, so I wouldn't figure her out. Once I did, I couldn't stay. Some new memories about things she did or said when viewed in the context of who she really is take on a whole new meaning, so I'm able to understand the early warning signs.
My life is better without the addict, and I'm free. I can be myself.
Enjoy your new girlfriend- you deserve it!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Thanks for the update, noinsanity. Glad to hear you've experienced so many positive changes in your life since beginning your own recovery. I think it's really important that folks like you come back to post about that. Posts like yours are living proof that we really do have the power to make our lives as happy or unhappy as we choose--it's not in someone else's hands.
So happy for you!
So happy for you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NM
Posts: 96
The onion.
It's been almost seven months since day 1 of my recovery. I'd like to say I have it all together, but I don't. At least I think I'm making progress. I'm on the inventory stage of the 12 step group I'm in, and I've figured out that the root of my codependence was several cases of abandonment and instability in childhood. I became depressed and suicidal in high school when my first two girlfriends dumped me. I stayed depressed after that and started medicating with pornography, which stayed with me until I got into recovery this year. That original addiction facilitated my toxic relationship, led to me becoming a codependent, gave me a false definition of love, and I also had some early signs of alcoholism. Now, without the addictions and codependence, I have just been depressed for months. So, I'm gonna see a specialist this week or next.
I'm posting this because I want anyone in a similar situation to know that codependency to an abusive alcoholic doesn't just happen on its own. It's the end of a long road of bad decisions and choices, at least in my case. I've discovered that I'm a lot like an onion the more I work on myself.
Fortunately there have been no recent developments with my abusive ex. Although, something did happen this week that sent me spinning for a bit. A coworker of hers started working where I now work. The first time I saw her, I can only say that I had an instant feeling of dread because I was afraid that my ex would find me. However, I spoke to this once mutual friend upon our second meeting. The only thing I can say that I learned from our conversation is that my ex has not changed at all in seven months' time. I feel sad, but I know there is nothing I can do about it. This friend told me that she still messages my ex, and she said my ex has been inviting her to parties and she keeps declining because these are the drunk parties.
I find it really weird that my ex always talked about how much she hated this coworker, yet, she thought they were friends. The coworker asked me why we broke up, and of course, my ex told her that she left me....HA! And she said I ended it because she did drugs. (I know this is a contradiction. Alcoholics do this a lot.) I told the coworker that I ended it, and at least my ex admitted to the drugs. I didn't go into detail, but I said that she also had a problem with alcohol, she made some really bad choices while drunk, and I gave her a chance to change. However, she refused to change. The coworker noted that I looked really sad telling her that story. I guess, I still am.
This conversation stirred up all kinds of things in me. It's been one year since I asked her to marry me, and I'm grateful that I'm not married to certain death. However, I sure do miss the good. There was a lot of good that happened there before the bad got way out of control. I just really miss the person that I thought I knew, but I know that there was no way to have the good without the bad. She was not raised with the moral core that I was blessed with, and, for that reason, she will never realize that what she is doing is destructive. I understand it now, but it just hurts like day 1 sometimes. Alcoholism is truly a terrible, horrible, and wretched disease.
I also wanted to mention a funny memory that came back. I remember drinking with her and her brother at a party at my place that I didn't really want. (Her brother invited a bunch of people to our place without asking, and my ex was okay with it because there was alcohol.) Anyway, she was getting to the drunk stage where she was about to go into the angry stage. I noticed her start to complain, so I went to get her a glass of water, and I just sat next to her and tried to make sure she was okay. Her cousin saw me doing this and said he had never seen a man be so nice to his woman before. Her brother said he loved how much I loved his sister. I realize that both of them were seeing codependency because I was trying to help her with her emotions. Of course, the alcoholic sees codependence as love! He didn't mean to say that he loved how much I loved his sister. He meant to say that he wished he had a codependent to take care of his drunk self, too! I got my definition of love from an alcoholic. Well, dang.
I'm posting this because I want anyone in a similar situation to know that codependency to an abusive alcoholic doesn't just happen on its own. It's the end of a long road of bad decisions and choices, at least in my case. I've discovered that I'm a lot like an onion the more I work on myself.
Fortunately there have been no recent developments with my abusive ex. Although, something did happen this week that sent me spinning for a bit. A coworker of hers started working where I now work. The first time I saw her, I can only say that I had an instant feeling of dread because I was afraid that my ex would find me. However, I spoke to this once mutual friend upon our second meeting. The only thing I can say that I learned from our conversation is that my ex has not changed at all in seven months' time. I feel sad, but I know there is nothing I can do about it. This friend told me that she still messages my ex, and she said my ex has been inviting her to parties and she keeps declining because these are the drunk parties.
I find it really weird that my ex always talked about how much she hated this coworker, yet, she thought they were friends. The coworker asked me why we broke up, and of course, my ex told her that she left me....HA! And she said I ended it because she did drugs. (I know this is a contradiction. Alcoholics do this a lot.) I told the coworker that I ended it, and at least my ex admitted to the drugs. I didn't go into detail, but I said that she also had a problem with alcohol, she made some really bad choices while drunk, and I gave her a chance to change. However, she refused to change. The coworker noted that I looked really sad telling her that story. I guess, I still am.
This conversation stirred up all kinds of things in me. It's been one year since I asked her to marry me, and I'm grateful that I'm not married to certain death. However, I sure do miss the good. There was a lot of good that happened there before the bad got way out of control. I just really miss the person that I thought I knew, but I know that there was no way to have the good without the bad. She was not raised with the moral core that I was blessed with, and, for that reason, she will never realize that what she is doing is destructive. I understand it now, but it just hurts like day 1 sometimes. Alcoholism is truly a terrible, horrible, and wretched disease.
I also wanted to mention a funny memory that came back. I remember drinking with her and her brother at a party at my place that I didn't really want. (Her brother invited a bunch of people to our place without asking, and my ex was okay with it because there was alcohol.) Anyway, she was getting to the drunk stage where she was about to go into the angry stage. I noticed her start to complain, so I went to get her a glass of water, and I just sat next to her and tried to make sure she was okay. Her cousin saw me doing this and said he had never seen a man be so nice to his woman before. Her brother said he loved how much I loved his sister. I realize that both of them were seeing codependency because I was trying to help her with her emotions. Of course, the alcoholic sees codependence as love! He didn't mean to say that he loved how much I loved his sister. He meant to say that he wished he had a codependent to take care of his drunk self, too! I got my definition of love from an alcoholic. Well, dang.
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