INgal

I'm reposting I this forum due to many view and no replies.

Just when I thought we might be turning a corner, I get a call from my AS's girlfriend (now ex) to come pick him up at her house because they had been at a bar, where he threw back multiple beers and shots and was being verbally abusive. I said "WHAT??? How can that be? He's taking a drug that would make him very sick if he drank" (of course he never told her about this or that he attends an IOP ).

My husband picked him up and he didn't speak in the car or until the next day. After venting all of my feelings, and saying all the usual terrible (but true) things I was feeling, I find out that he was pretending to swallow the Antabuse...apparently keeping it in his hand until I walked away.

I feel so f'ing stupid, used, incompetent. He started doing this a month ago, when I must have started letting down my guard.

I guess we all know where this leads. At this point, we have a family meeting at the IOP tomorrow. Many thought are going through my head "should he quit the IOP?" I'm paying through the nose (bad insurance). It's an excellent IOP though, and I can see that he has improved in some ways, although always going back to square one. He lost his license in January due to a DUI. He works for our family business, and actually it's the best thing he does. He is reliable throughout the week. We are so torn.

As of last Sunday, he was back on the full dose of Antabuse and on his best behavior. I just don't know how much more I can take. I never though I could hate and love someone so much at the same time.

I'm sorry this is so long. I took a borderline personality disorder quiz and I see that he has nearly every single trait. Should I bring this up in the family meeting? Is it a moot point because he just sabotages himself anyway?

Yesterday he finally read all the Rational Recovery info and he seems to relate to it, although he said the thought of never drinking again is sad.

Sorry for this disjointed post. My mind is all over the place. There are times when I know in my heart he will NEVER have a normal life. Then, I see the positives and I think, it's JUST a matter of not drinking. I am detaching, bit by bit. If I completely detach, throw him out, fire him, etc..I am positive it will be the end of his life. He is childlike in some of his naïveté. The AlAnon in me says to let it all go, but I would have to be untrue to my core values. I was brought up to be nurturing, involved, etc. My kids would tell me how much their friends wished I was their mom. (I wasn't permissive, but I always welcomed their friends to our house). I have hardened to the point where my good friends notice. I don't want to slide further.

Thanks for listening. Just letting me put this out there is helpful. I cannot believe this is happening.

happybeingme

I am sorry you are going through this. I have never had an addicted child but I have been an alcoholic. My opinion, if he stopped the Antabuse for a month he has probably been drinking more than once or he has been building up to relapse for a long time.

If he is gainfully employed why is he not paying for his iop? He needs to have some skin in his own recovery. When it comes to recovery no matter what program accepting that you can never drink again is always the first step. Without it nothing else matters.

Diagnosing your son based on an online survey is a bad idea. However, if you do suspect it than really do the research. There is a great thread on BPD here in the mental health forum. There is no cure for it and long term prognosis is poor.

Making your son responsible for his own life doesn't mean throwing him away but it does mean you have to enforce some rules. Not boundaries, rules. No drinking at your house, no drinking on the job, etc. And there has to be consequences. As long as you keep wiping his nose he will never grow up or be responsible.

dandylion

Ingal....the anguish that a parent feels in this situation is in a special category of it's own!! It is beyond description by words. I know. I have lived it.

I see you making a lot of mistakes. I know it would be a mistake to list those things, of course. I can see that you are not ready to "hear" it.

The one thing that I will say to you...I have said before, I believe---but, I will say it again.
You and your husband.need the company and support of other parents who have gone through or are going through the same thing as you are. This should be done with the guidence of someone who is very experienced in the field of alcoholism and addictions. You all need the help as much as he does.

You probably think that I am some kind of mean b****. LOL!----I am not, really.
MY heart bleeds for you. No parent is prepared for this crap!
You need help.....and the younger he is...the better!
It is not going to get any better.....and, it sure can get a lot worse for you. I can see the emotional toll that it already has on you. You are suffering more than he is, right now.!!

I hope that you will listen to m e---check this out with professionals in the field or long-recovering alcoholics---you don't have to believe just me.....

If nothing else----talk to long recovering alcoholics....ones with several years of recovery under their belt......they know what they are talking about.
Actually, alcoholics are the best people to deal with other alcoholics.

Believe me...you are not the first parents to face this......

Very, very compassionately,
dandylion

Refiner

Wow he's got it Cush! Parents that pay for and "force" him to get a degree he has no intentions of using for gainful employment. A cozy bed and food all paid for under a safe roof in probably a great area to live. A job handed to him on a silver platter he didn't need to exert himself to get. An "ex" girlfriend to go out and party with at the bars. A father who will come to his rescue when "ex" girlfriend wants him away from her. Member of a paid-for-by-parents IOP he attends to get said parents off his back for awhile as he continually uses them. Do you see a pattern here?

redatlanta

Hi INgal - Understand I have total compassion for you in this situation.

A big part of the problem here is you and your husband. You are still enabling. Antabuse is not a cure. Your son is demonstrating enough "good behaviors" to get you off his back a common ploy by alcoholics. He does not sound like he is recovering, or has any intention to at this point.

I agree with Dandy that it is you and your husband who need some help in how to proceed in dealing with your child. I can tell you all day long what I would do (put him out of the house, pay for a month of bills, and let him figure it out). I think you still aren't completely clear about what you are dealing with. I know that as a parent this is the hardest situation because you feel that if you turn your back on him something disastrous will happen. The way I see it, disaster is happening because your son is not being allowed the dignity or the accountability to possibly decide he does not want to live this way. It simply has not gotten bad enough for him - yet.

INgal

Thank you for all your replies. Regarding finances, I originally said I would pay for medical help. He is responsible for everything else (legal, student loans, anything related to the DUI) . If we continue in the IOP, I will transfer this obligation to him.

Refiner, yes "Cush" is a fair observations. He does pulls his weight at our business as he is a skilled worker. He had a job offer related to his degree, but of course, the DUI torpedoed that as it was a long commute with no public transportation.

Im a little overwhelmed with sadness and will continue this after our meeting tonight. Thanks everyone. I knew I would get piled on, and in some cases deservedly so. Most kids, given the same upbringing, would turn out to be normal, happy, productive citizens. Wish I had known more - he isn't in the rule books.

INgal

Thank you for all your replies. Regarding finances, I originally said I would pay for medical help. He is responsible for everything else (legal, student loans, anything related to the DUI) . If we continue in the IOP, I will transfer this obligation to him.

Refiner, yes "Cush" is a fair observations. He does pulls his weight at our business as he is a skilled worker. He had a job offer related to his degree, but of course, the DUI torpedoed that as it was a long commute with no public transportation.

Im a little overwhelmed with sadness and will continue this after our meeting tonight. Thanks everyone. I knew I would get piled on, and in some cases deservedly so. Most kids, given the same upbringing, would turn out to be normal, happy, productive citizens. Wish I had known more - he isn't in the rule books.

hopeful4

Oh sweetie, my heart hurts for you. It sounds like he has some searching and some choices he needs to make, not you.

Hugs to you XXX

dandylion

INgal....I understand the sadness....and the fear....and the feelings of helplessness.....and, the mother's guilt and the overall sense of "unfairness" about the whole thing!!!

I am not trying to "pile on" you. (if you only knew......).......

I wish that I had had some caring person who had been through the situation.....come to me and let me know what to do----when my own son was your son's age......

Parents are only one factor in a child's development. Development is very complex and unique for each person. I can recommend some reading n this subject if you are interested....

I promise you...I am your friend...even if you don't recognize me......

Dandylion

Duckygirl1

My daughter is 4 years sober now. She was a mess to put it mildly. There is hope, but ONLY if he wants it. Feel free to PM me anytime.

The thought of never drinking again making him sad is an indicator that he is not completely ready. No drug is going to help with that. My ex worked around suboxone to do heroine.

Rational Recovery takes no prisoners, and will give him the dignity of standing on his own 2 feet which he will never do if ya'll keep carrying him. ((((Hugs))))

LexieCat

I'm so sorry, but it's pretty clear to me that he just doesn't want to stop drinking yet. The best recovery program in the world won't do a lick of good for someone who isn't committed--at some level, anyway--to recovery.

One thing I noticed in your first post was this: "He started doing this a month ago, when I must have started letting down my guard." You aren't his "guard" or his nurse. Antabuse is one of those things that CAN be helpful in the very early days of sobriety just to get past the initial urges to drink. But it is in no way a lifetime solution, and because its success depends COMPLETELY on someone's willingness to do the work for ACTUAL recovery, having you monitor it is useless.

What I see is someone "willing" to do the bare minimum in terms of making a show of "effort" so he can continue to drink AND to live under your roof. I get being willing to pay for medical help, but if it were I, at this point, I'd want to see some real (and desperate) desire on his part to recover before I'd put another cent toward medical help.

I also think your urge to pay for the IOP or whatever "help," is more about your wanting to feel you are "doing something" than about anything he really needs at this point. As other people have pointed out, what he NEEDS is to feel the pain of what addiction will cost him. As long as you keep bailing him out and providing for him, it isn't REAL for him. It's all theoretical.

Every sober alcoholic I know had to feel pretty darned desperate before s/he became willing to make a real emotional/mental commitment to doing the hard work involved in getting sober and staying that way. I happened to be one of those who felt desperate before I lost too much. For other people, there seems to be a much higher threshold of pain, and they have to fall further before they get there. But either way--it is PAIN--physical, emotional, psychological, economic--that is the real motivator. That's where the willingness comes from. Without it, the perceived benefits of continuing to drink will outweigh the negatives.

The vast majority of alcoholics don't NEED an IOP or a rehab to recover. AA is free, and so are other community-based programs.

Please take a good hard look at whom you are doing all this for. I know you love your son, but it seems to me that a lot of what you are doing is to ease your own mind rather than doing what is really in his best interest in the long run.

Hugs,

amandamarie

If he was lying about taking the medicine he had it planned out to drink. It wasn't like a slip that he regrets. He hasn't taken it in a month so you can be pretty sure that he has been drinking for a month. Also, if the thought of never drinking again makes him sad it seems he just is not ready to stop yet. Eventually you will have to quit supporting him financially, if he is just waiting for you to let down your guard to do the same things again. Supporting him emotionally is fine, but paying for something it seems you are pretty much forcing him to do is a waste of time and money. You need to put your foot down and say enough is enough.

Knitter

INgal I am following your thread because I am right where you are. I can't quite put my son out on the streets because I fear for his safety. That being said, drinking isn't exactly "safe" either and my husband and I are not living a normal life with our son in our house.

I would echo the concern about diagnosing your son. I believe until he is sober, no mental health concerns-if they exist-can or should be addressed.

Wishing you the strength I hope for.

CodeJob

Hello INgal,

I think it feels so unnatural and alienating to be a parent of an addict. Our heart, culture and morality tell us to take care of our offspring. Give them every benefit we can muster. But an addict twists that and uses it to further their addiction.

Reading on SR, I take a lot of notice of moms posting here. My H is recovering and my son - well he has DNA and percentages against him. I pray I will come out of the gate swinging if he dips into addiction.

However, I have twice told parents their plan of action was enabling and both times I was made out to be an evil uncaring person. Yep. That's me. Speaking the truth on recovery and saying the hard stuff at Al Anon and around the family dinner table. So if people vilify you saying it - it is a totally tough road to enact it, follow through, and let go and let God.

So I am praying for you and your husband, INgal. Your path is rocky and mountainous and most people don't get what you are suffering through or what awful choices you are making and the terrible things you have had to learn as a parent of an addict. Hugs.