Something humble for today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Maryland
Posts: 178
Something humble for today
(I know it's kinda lengthy, but please read! 
)
My exAbf continues to reach out, and since I have him unblocked, I can see what he says. I had to seek out an alanon meeting last night because of how I was feeling last night-anxious, afraid, angry, and upset. The speaker happened to be about twenty years plus older than me, but her story completely resonated with me. I listened as she talked about being a control freak, and when her AH would pass out drunk, she would try forever to wake him up, burn the hair off of his toes, and pour water over his head.
I used to pour water and place his feet in boiling water when my exA would pass out and I'd think- WHAT IN THE WORLD. I am not the one with the problem. If he'd just STOP drinking, I would not have to act in such a crazy way!! If he would just understand how much pain he caused me, he really would stop drinking. Because I am different, he will stop drinking for me.
...and then he just didn't. Is still actively drinking. Has nothing to offer me. And I still love him.
I've come a long way since my journey first started. I've realized that in order to be genuinely happy, I must find that in myself first- I have, and I will try to continue to remember this: be gentle with yourself, love yourself, take care of yourself.
All of my life, I depended on others to make me feel happy, to fix me, to make me feel whole again. I shortly realized, after being alone with an alcoholic, and becoming lonely after our breakup, that I had to learn to love myself again. No one can make me feel happy- only I CAN. No one can fix me or change me to a happier person- I have to do that for myself. I was so afraid of this and didn't think I was strong enough for so long. But fear sets within for a while until you break the barrier of being afraid all of your life. I stepped out of my comfort zone and I am ready to step foot into my recovery process.
(As for the A- he keeps reaching out to me and saying how missing me makes heroin withdrawal look like a headache. He demands that he needs to see me because his nightmares are unacceptable. I respond with "you have to be comfortable being alone." I told him that he's faked being alone for so long because he replaces his loneliness with superficial BS. Superficial BS like drinking to excess, going on binge dates, sleeping with women, drunk dialing/calling, and reaching out to anyone that'll talk to him when he's lonely. He's so dependent on these things and happiness manifests within them. Artificial happiness.)
)My exAbf continues to reach out, and since I have him unblocked, I can see what he says. I had to seek out an alanon meeting last night because of how I was feeling last night-anxious, afraid, angry, and upset. The speaker happened to be about twenty years plus older than me, but her story completely resonated with me. I listened as she talked about being a control freak, and when her AH would pass out drunk, she would try forever to wake him up, burn the hair off of his toes, and pour water over his head.
I used to pour water and place his feet in boiling water when my exA would pass out and I'd think- WHAT IN THE WORLD. I am not the one with the problem. If he'd just STOP drinking, I would not have to act in such a crazy way!! If he would just understand how much pain he caused me, he really would stop drinking. Because I am different, he will stop drinking for me.
...and then he just didn't. Is still actively drinking. Has nothing to offer me. And I still love him.
I've come a long way since my journey first started. I've realized that in order to be genuinely happy, I must find that in myself first- I have, and I will try to continue to remember this: be gentle with yourself, love yourself, take care of yourself.
All of my life, I depended on others to make me feel happy, to fix me, to make me feel whole again. I shortly realized, after being alone with an alcoholic, and becoming lonely after our breakup, that I had to learn to love myself again. No one can make me feel happy- only I CAN. No one can fix me or change me to a happier person- I have to do that for myself. I was so afraid of this and didn't think I was strong enough for so long. But fear sets within for a while until you break the barrier of being afraid all of your life. I stepped out of my comfort zone and I am ready to step foot into my recovery process.
(As for the A- he keeps reaching out to me and saying how missing me makes heroin withdrawal look like a headache. He demands that he needs to see me because his nightmares are unacceptable. I respond with "you have to be comfortable being alone." I told him that he's faked being alone for so long because he replaces his loneliness with superficial BS. Superficial BS like drinking to excess, going on binge dates, sleeping with women, drunk dialing/calling, and reaching out to anyone that'll talk to him when he's lonely. He's so dependent on these things and happiness manifests within them. Artificial happiness.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Maryland
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
These are tremendous and brave discoveries RedDog. Thank you for sharing them so others can know that it's worth facing this stuff even though you are afraid.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
