Strugglingwife7

I posted about a month ago and just updating as at times I feel so lonely when dealing with this disease. My husband has now been clean about 3 1/2 months after his 1st relapse. The longest he has gone was 7 months the 1st time around last year. I am still struggling with the toll this disease has taken on my marriage. Some days are good for us and some are really bad. We are good when we are not discussing any problems we have or our issues and as soon as an issue comes up that's when it turns sour. We have no longer learned how to fight amicably, just pointing fingers to who is right and who is wrong in the situation. Today again, we had it out and though he has taken responsibility for his actions during his drug use, he blames me and my trust issues as a root reason for his abuse of drugs. It is very hard to not blame myself for what has happened in my marriage. At times I think maybe he is right and that I really am the crazy one in this relationship. He now is having an epiphany and seeing things so clear that he tries to advise me on how he recognizes depression in others and that I am showing classic symptoms like he used to. My self esteem is shot, my husband turned to drugs to get away from me and it seems as though now he is psychoanalyzing me. I hate this. I have been to a few meetings with Nar-Anon and I think I need to go back to vent some frustrations much as I am now. I can only hope that either we stay together and move on or just end it and divorce. As both paths are uncertain to me, I am quite frightened. The uncertainty of taking one path where my husband may relapse again, turmoil starts all over again sounds tumultuous and taxing. But I am scared to go back out there and seek a new mate to share my life with. Who else will share the things we've shared? The other path is also uncertain as I would have to start from scratch and no longer depend on him for comfort, medical benefits, money or even a little love. He is a good man and I do love him but I struggle every day with these questions in my head. I still keep hoping for the day when I can update and say that the sun is shining and I am happy.

MissUs2015

Recovery is a family process. Meaning that it is on him to decide to recover. What he needs to do--or whether it's possible--for him to gain your trust back is on you. It's for the both of you to agree on what each of you decide, and you have the right to decide--without any pressure--how long it will take on your end.
It's a tough process,. and you deserve respect no matter what.

Destroyed

Pack your bags (figuratively), because your husband is taking you on a guilt trip. I hate to be harsh but I watched my wife, soon to be ex, do the exact same thing to me. I have literally watched my wife take pills and when I confronted her about it she was such a good manipulator she had me second guess what I saw with my own two eyes.

The guys on the forum have beat the Three-C's into my head....you did not Cause, you can't Control, and you can't Cure your husband's addiction. The addiction is a journey they have to take on their own, be it to get clean and sober or fall further into the depths of the active addiction. However, what you can control is "You"! You can decide what "You" will put up with and what "You" can stand.

I think you guys have a chance but it will take a lot of communication, patience, and understanding. This includes counciling both individually and together. Time can be an enemy or an ally in your situation, but it depends on you. I can tell you love your husband, to be honest I love my wife too, but I have been lied to, stolen from (to include her selling her wedding set), and cheated on and just got to a point where I refuse to take it anymore.

There comes a time where you have to focus on yourself, I would recommend the book by Melody Beattie called Codependent No More, it helped me find myself and start focusing on me! Best of luck to you.

MissUs2015

I agree with Destroyed for the most part.
I'd say, though, that you don't have to be pressured into thinking you have to leave, any more than you think you have to stay.
I guess that's where Step 3 comes in. You turn such questions over to your HP and relieve yourself of the obsessing, and become open to the real answers, pluses and minuses, before you.

CarmenLove

Hi Struggling Wife,

You are NOT the cause of his addiction. Only he is responsible for his choices. An addict will pick up because he is an addict, and because he wants to. A 'Normie' simply would not respond to life's pressures in the same way.

I too have struggled with this.

I have been where you are.

I too thought I was crazy, and my AH simply perpetuated my insecurities. I am not saying I was perfect, I certainly am not. I am saying that his choice to pick up had nothing to do with me or what I was or wasn't doing. He picked up because he is an addict, he was not in recovery and he chose to do so.

I chose to leave while he was (apparently) in recovery (I do not think he was) because I realised what it was doing to me to stay.

Leaving isn't easy either. Sometimes it's very lonely and painful, however I know this is just temporary. And there are good, peaceful days too, where I feel better.

I miss the man he used to be, and to have stayed, for me personally, would have been betraying my soul. It was my time to leave.

No-one else can make that decision for you. Some choose to stay.

Whether he recovers is completely up to him.

And I am choosing to recover for myself. You can do the same whether you choose to stay or go.

I do agree with the others, get some support for you and go to some more meetings, they really help.

Don't listen to what your husband says for now, he is in early recovery, therefor he is still 'quacking'. Let it wash over you and instead listen for that quiet little voice inside of you.

You will know what to do.

Sending hugs.

SuzyMarie

Oh, how I have heard that from my ex before...MY trust issues were the root of everything...lol. Granted, it takes 2 people to create a 'crazy' dynamic, what he is doing to you is called gaslighting and it can be maddening. Don't have much more to add, just wanted you to know you aren't 'crazy' or alone. Hugs to you.

fairlyuncertain

My ex used to say that if I would just trust him everything would be fine. What he meant was this: 'if you are blindly trusting and naive, I can get away with so much more, and don't have to have those classic 'alcoholic' behaviors of hiding bottles and FEELING like I'm being sneaky.'

As if by blindfolding myself, his addiction would disappear, b/c I wasn't seeing it? This is the fuzzy thinking of a boozy brain. Detach, detach, detach. Either he'll come out the other side and you'll work it out, or not. Either way, take good care of YOU. Hugs and best wishes.

Edited to add: I'm not suggesting your husband is still using. The effects of alcoholism/addiction can persist in early recovery, and the emotional stuff can sometimes get worse.

fairlyuncertain

It isn't an either/or thing. It is probably a good idea to create stability in your life that is unaffected by his sobriety, even if you stay together: your own financial security, outside interests, life, so that whether he relapses, or gets super-involved with recovery, or you guys reignite your relationship and friendship, you are out in the shining sun, with a support network, hobbies and other things in life that bring you happiness.

Your post obviously struck a chord with me. For a long time, I looked around and saw nothing but barren ground and a steaming pile of b.s. Looking back, I realize it can be fertilizer for a rich, rewarding life! Even BS has its merits, I guess

SuzyMarie

For sure, and I honestly think way beyond even early recovery.

Aggie812

I am sorry to say but pack your bags and file for a divorce. You are only prolonging the inevitable..... there is a good chance he won't get better and he's enjoying every minute of his master manipulations. As long as you stick around, it will continue. Read my story... in just two weeks my life was turned around. Nine years of torture, and now I finally feel free!

mnh1982

My exAH's favorite line was something to the effect of, when I asked why I should trust his "word" after yet another exposed lie, "Because I said you can."

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...
...
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whut.


Clearly I could NOT trust his word, because every time I did, it would turn out that more lies & deceptions were just under the surface. Every time I caught him doing something he knew he shouldn't, he would deny, deny, deny, using excuses that were just plausible enough that I did in fact feel crazy, because I had begun to believe every word he said.

This is called "gaslighting". Look it up.

And unfortunately I agree with other posters. He, like my exAH, is reveling in the fact that he has dodged yet another bullet (the end of your relationship).

I personally would and will not be seeking anyone else out. Separating from exAH and filing for divorce is not an act designed to replace him. This is my time to work on and be good to ME, after so many years of only taking care of him. I would suggest you do the same.

Somber2Sober

I've been going through almost half a decade of this. Your husband blaming you for his using is classic addict verbal abuse. If he could really see things so clearly, he would see that he has a lot of things he needs to work through about himself, he has no business advising or psycho-terrorizing anybody.

The more it goes on, the more your self-esteem and self-love withers away. Run when you can. I hope that what you might share with another man will not be the same things you shared with him - I sure as hell hope they won't be the same as all these things you're going through this him... you deserve much better than that!!! - and that day when the sun is shining and you are happy will come for you.

He is probably a good man and you can still love him, but you don't have to be with him or married to him and can still love him for the rest of your life - as a fellow human being who has his own share of suffering, just like you with your own share of suffering. If another human cannot do a thing to help you lessen your pain, at the very least he/she should not make it even greater than it already is.

That sunshine and smile, you will get them back, as long as you give yourself the chance to be truly happy. Big hugs to you dear.