Rude behavior after getting drunk.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1
Rude behavior after getting drunk.
My wife has been an alcohol addict for several months. I want to help her get over the addiction, but she is really mean when she is drunk which makes it very difficult. I love her and I don’t want to leave her in this condition. Once I brought her to an addiction rehab center, but discontinued their treatment because of some rude behavior from the employees of the center. I looked for a better addiction rehab center everywhere, tried to find any in drug addiction rehab center review sites, talked to friends and still confused and unsure about where to take for the treatment. To be honest, I don’t have any idea about how to find a good rehab center other than asking others and reading alcohol rehab center reviews from sites like californiarehabclinicreviews.com. I would like some suggestion from anyone to find a good rehab center. Also, her condition is not getting any better and continues alcohol consumption even during daytimes. I don’t know how long can I do it. I hope that someone can help me with this situation.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
First, welcome to SR! There are lots of really wonderful resources here.
You can't. Have you read any of the stickied/pinned posts at the top of the forum? Lots of great information regarding the role that spouses and loved one play in the alcoholic's life and addiction, and more importantly the role they play in our life.
My husband is really mean when he's drunk too. I'm sorry you're experiencing this behavior from your wife, it's totally unacceptable and extremely painful. I would suggest setting some boundaries for yourself for times when your wife has been drinking.
Regarding rehab, rehab is only effective if the alcoholic wants to be treated. My husband chose and admitted himself into rehab and he still relapsed after a couple months of sobriety. Rehab is not a cure all even when the alcoholics DOES want to get sober and get help.
In my experience, I started to get better and feel better (whether my husband was drinking or not) when I started to seek out help for myself. Alcoholism is a family disease and it effects the loved ones of the alcoholic. For me personally, counseling and al-anon helped me immensely. With regards to addiction, the addict cannot and will not get sober unless they really, really, really want to be sober.
I want to help her get over the addiction
she is really mean when she is drunk
Regarding rehab, rehab is only effective if the alcoholic wants to be treated. My husband chose and admitted himself into rehab and he still relapsed after a couple months of sobriety. Rehab is not a cure all even when the alcoholics DOES want to get sober and get help.
In my experience, I started to get better and feel better (whether my husband was drinking or not) when I started to seek out help for myself. Alcoholism is a family disease and it effects the loved ones of the alcoholic. For me personally, counseling and al-anon helped me immensely. With regards to addiction, the addict cannot and will not get sober unless they really, really, really want to be sober.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, eric. I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation and hope you find the help you're looking for.
As Stung said, you can't "make" or even "help" your wife get sober. That has to come from her. This thread from the stickies at the top of the page is a good place to start learning about what you CAN do to help her: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Finding help for yourself, strange though that may sound, is always a good idea. This thread, also from the stickies, can help explain that: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html
I'd suggest reading around the forum as much as you can. Likely many of the stories will strike a chord w/you. It's a lot to take in all at once, so just keep reading, keep taking care of you, and keep coming back here. You'll gradually begin to see your path more clearly.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
As Stung said, you can't "make" or even "help" your wife get sober. That has to come from her. This thread from the stickies at the top of the page is a good place to start learning about what you CAN do to help her: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Finding help for yourself, strange though that may sound, is always a good idea. This thread, also from the stickies, can help explain that: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html
I'd suggest reading around the forum as much as you can. Likely many of the stories will strike a chord w/you. It's a lot to take in all at once, so just keep reading, keep taking care of you, and keep coming back here. You'll gradually begin to see your path more clearly.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I started to smile (not that ANY of this is in the least amusing) when I read the title of this thread. Rude when drunk is pretty much par for the course.
You've gotten good advice here already--the best thing you can do is to learn a lot more about alcoholism, and to get yourself some good support (I highly recommend Al-Anon).
What struck me was you "took her to rehab" and "discontinued treatment because of rude behavior by staff." It isn't your place to "make" her go to treatment, or to "decide" whether her treatment is appropriate or helpful. Her recovery (IF she chooses it) is really her deal. I have no idea what behavior the staff may have engaged in that you interpreted as "rude"--maybe it was, and it was still appropriate for treatment, or maybe you misinterpreted what was actually appropriate behavior.
Addiction is not like any other disease. Its treatment is TOTALLY dependent on the willingness of the addict/alcoholic to do whatever it takes (and it takes a LOT) to recover.
What can make your life more bearable in the meantime is making some good, healthy boundaries for yourself and working on strategies like detachment. Her behavior has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with her disease.
Incidentally, rehabs are not necessary for the treatment of alcoholism in many/most cases. AA and other recovery programs are free. My first husband has been sober for 35 years in AA, and I've been sober for six and a half years. No rehab for either one of us.
You've gotten good advice here already--the best thing you can do is to learn a lot more about alcoholism, and to get yourself some good support (I highly recommend Al-Anon).
What struck me was you "took her to rehab" and "discontinued treatment because of rude behavior by staff." It isn't your place to "make" her go to treatment, or to "decide" whether her treatment is appropriate or helpful. Her recovery (IF she chooses it) is really her deal. I have no idea what behavior the staff may have engaged in that you interpreted as "rude"--maybe it was, and it was still appropriate for treatment, or maybe you misinterpreted what was actually appropriate behavior.
Addiction is not like any other disease. Its treatment is TOTALLY dependent on the willingness of the addict/alcoholic to do whatever it takes (and it takes a LOT) to recover.
What can make your life more bearable in the meantime is making some good, healthy boundaries for yourself and working on strategies like detachment. Her behavior has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with her disease.
Incidentally, rehabs are not necessary for the treatment of alcoholism in many/most cases. AA and other recovery programs are free. My first husband has been sober for 35 years in AA, and I've been sober for six and a half years. No rehab for either one of us.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Just a rinse and repeat of what the others have said. If your wife doesn't want to get sober then no rehab on the planet is going to help. Period. It sounds like You are much more involved in this process than she is - she sounds like she is a willing participant only in that she will go and nothing else.
My husband also achieved sobriety through AA. There are other programs as well that are free such as SMART and Celebrate Recovery. You should take the focus off her and focus on yourself and your codependency issues - you cannot save this person. You can't. Only she can. I highly recommend you find an Al Anon meeting and start attending.
To answer your question IMO rehabs are all pretty much the same with a few exception. One is here in my State Talbott Recovery Center which does have a higher success rate than most. This is due in part to the length of time required to enter their program which is a minimum of 90 days though most stay longer. Their program includes immersion back into the "real world". I would describe initially like a typical rehab where you are enclosed in a bubble, then moved into sober living on the campus where you are still there, but can leave during the day eventually gaining overnight passes etc.
Good luck with all this and sorry what you are going through. Hope you stick around and read as much as you can we have all been where you are.
My husband also achieved sobriety through AA. There are other programs as well that are free such as SMART and Celebrate Recovery. You should take the focus off her and focus on yourself and your codependency issues - you cannot save this person. You can't. Only she can. I highly recommend you find an Al Anon meeting and start attending.
To answer your question IMO rehabs are all pretty much the same with a few exception. One is here in my State Talbott Recovery Center which does have a higher success rate than most. This is due in part to the length of time required to enter their program which is a minimum of 90 days though most stay longer. Their program includes immersion back into the "real world". I would describe initially like a typical rehab where you are enclosed in a bubble, then moved into sober living on the campus where you are still there, but can leave during the day eventually gaining overnight passes etc.
Good luck with all this and sorry what you are going through. Hope you stick around and read as much as you can we have all been where you are.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR!
The book that helped me get a handle on my life is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I also read a lot about boundaries online. I did not have good boundaries with my husband. I allowed his addiction and poor behavior to overwhelm our family life until I stopped allowing it.
I kicked him out and he settled on going to rehab - not a fancy one or one located in a hip location. Even that one was pricey but his insurance covered quit a bit of it... But he did the work and stuck it out. He has been sober for 2 y. That is not a very common outcome from what I can gather. Rehab is not the only answer. My H failed an outpatient program several years before because 'he wasn't like those people...'
lmao
The book that helped me get a handle on my life is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I also read a lot about boundaries online. I did not have good boundaries with my husband. I allowed his addiction and poor behavior to overwhelm our family life until I stopped allowing it.
I kicked him out and he settled on going to rehab - not a fancy one or one located in a hip location. Even that one was pricey but his insurance covered quit a bit of it... But he did the work and stuck it out. He has been sober for 2 y. That is not a very common outcome from what I can gather. Rehab is not the only answer. My H failed an outpatient program several years before because 'he wasn't like those people...'
lmao
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Everything above x 100! I can hear the exhaustion in your words. I totally understand you wanting to help your wife and it sounds like you've put in a great deal of effort, but more effort than she is putting in. It's time you put that same effort into helping youself. She may or may not get sober. You have no control over that. But you do have control over yourself and your own healing. Once you start there, you will see what can and can't be done more clearly. (((( hugs))))
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Why can't she go to A.A meetings?
I'm sure they are everywhere in Toronto.
I'm sure they are everywhere in Toronto.
Originally Posted by ericreeves 
My wife has been an alcohol addict for several months. I want to help her get over the addiction, but she is really mean when she is drunk which makes it very difficult. I love her and I don’t want to leave her in this condition. Once I brought her to an addiction rehab center, but discontinued their treatment because of some rude behavior from the employees of the center. I looked for a better addiction rehab center everywhere, tried to find any in drug addiction rehab center review sites, talked to friends and still confused and unsure about where to take for the treatment. To be honest, I don’t have any idea about how to find a good rehab center other than asking others and reading alcohol rehab center reviews from sites like californiarehabclinicreviews.com. I would like some suggestion from anyone to find a good rehab center. Also, her condition is not getting any better and continues alcohol consumption even during daytimes. I don’t know how long can I do it. I hope that someone can help me with this situation.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Hi and welcome!
The best suggestion I can give you is to help yourself with your own recovery.
You will not convince her she needs rehab, and finding a place for her yourself, yeah, you are wasting good energy there.
She must want her own recovery. She must find her own recovery.
Codependent No More is a wonderful book that many of us have read or are reading. Alanon helped me tremendously.
I hope you can find a good support group to help you clear the "muck" of your situation.
The best suggestion I can give you is to help yourself with your own recovery.
You will not convince her she needs rehab, and finding a place for her yourself, yeah, you are wasting good energy there.
She must want her own recovery. She must find her own recovery.
Codependent No More is a wonderful book that many of us have read or are reading. Alanon helped me tremendously.
I hope you can find a good support group to help you clear the "muck" of your situation.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Welcome to SR! This place offers so much support and very useful info. It seems that everyone who comes here at first has the idea that he or she can do something about the addiction. The truth is, you cannot. You can only help yourself, and your spouse can only help herself. In addiction, partnership does not exist. In alcoholism, partnership = codependency.
Now, about your wife being mean when drunk. Alcohol lowers inhibition. There is a saying: "What drunk person says, sober person thinks." My AH does this. Alcohol does not justify his words, blackouts do not justify his words. Insulting at an extremely intimate and personal level should never ever have an excuse. Baiting you into fights? No excuse. Teasing? Trying to **** you off on purpose? No excuse.
But, you found a great place to find answers and start your own recovery.
Now, about your wife being mean when drunk. Alcohol lowers inhibition. There is a saying: "What drunk person says, sober person thinks." My AH does this. Alcohol does not justify his words, blackouts do not justify his words. Insulting at an extremely intimate and personal level should never ever have an excuse. Baiting you into fights? No excuse. Teasing? Trying to **** you off on purpose? No excuse.
But, you found a great place to find answers and start your own recovery.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
The things that alcoholics have a problem with is that to recover in ANY program, they must admit they have a problem and humble themselves into doing what they need to do to recover.
I would almost guarantee that no matter what treatment YOU find for HER, she won't like it for some reason or another. She is not ready to humble herself to her addiction. Until she is, there won't be recovery.
Hugs to you. Get help for yourself so no matter what comes your way you are strong enough to handle it.
I would almost guarantee that no matter what treatment YOU find for HER, she won't like it for some reason or another. She is not ready to humble herself to her addiction. Until she is, there won't be recovery.
Hugs to you. Get help for yourself so no matter what comes your way you are strong enough to handle it.
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