camerajen

Feeling like the biggest idiot in the world after three years of letting my addict daughter manipulate me. You would think I had learned. Nope. Thought she was clean, or I guess prayed she was clean and gave her my debit card to get her nails done, which she did, then proceeded to take out the rest of my money, albeit just $150. I'm starting to lose all hope. I don't remember what she's like when she's not using. How can I let myself be controlled like this? I'm sitting here, worried about telling her I want my car keys back because she will say "if I can't leave the house it will make me want to use" or "I'm totally clean, I thought you trusted me!" Or "I have my Vivitrol shot tomorrow" (talked to the dr office and she never made an appointment). I'm just ranting because I feel like the worst enabler in the world. When I called her on the money thing the excuse was "my friend's debit card was rejected so I covered her. She'll pay us back. I just wanted a Girls Day". Ugh. I feel like I'm starting to build a wall up around me. It's almost too painful to care anymore.

pilotlady

You are not alone. Done this many, many times. I am still amazed how I have believed the **** my son has told me. I too cannot remember what he was like before the drugs. The bad seems to wipe out the good memories. That is why I rarely talk to him. Cannot do it anymore. Do not be too hard on yourself. You are a mom. It is what we do.

INgal

It's never ending. I'm sorry we are all going through this. We are getting played. And of course if you ask for receipts, you're accusatory, and you're not detaching enough. It's A no-win situation.

camerajen

Thank you for making me realize it's not just me. What a cruel horrible situation we are in.

chicory

Hi camerajen.

I can relate. Its so normal for a mom to want to believe her 'child', and when we cannot, it is heartbreaking. Our love does not stop when they betray our trust.

I found that even though it was so hard, to take steps toward not enabling, it was worth it. It was worth the arguments which resulted. Because finally, when my son got the idea that I meant what I said, he finally accepted my boundary as real. He was forever saying, 'yeah, right', when I would threaten ...and for a long time it was only threats, because I could not bring myself to 'hurt him' with consequences. I have learned a few things, and one of them is that I am stronger than I think I am. And another is consequences are good medicine.

it may not make them choose recovery, but it might give you some well needed relief from some of the insanity. You gotta start somewhere. baby steps are still steps forward.

I know it is different for everyone. My son is an alcoholic, and doesn't always drink. I am an enabler in lots of ways yet , but am learning to be stronger, here at SR. You are not alone.

camerajen

Thank you Chicory. I know I have to be strong. She just texted me "how was your day?" She knows I want her to care so badly.

daisy1963

It is very hard to say no because you want to believe so badly that maybe this time they are telling the truth. I have many I can't believe I did that stories. I am getting better at saying no but our addicts really know how to push our buttons. Hang in there!

camerajen

Yes we want so badly to have them be normal. It's so sad. We hold on to any tiny bit of hope they give us only to be taken advantage of over and over again. It defies every rule of maternal instinct to battle this. Our nurturing is innate. Thank you to everyone getting me through this evening. I was really on the edge.

Ilovemysonjj

Good day Camera, so many times I did that exact same thing. I really cannot be around my son very many hours in a row. His ways of digging right into my heart strings are so strong. I don't even know if he really knows he is doing it all of the time. I do know that I cannot and will not allow him to live with us again. It was too hard for everyone, and gave him every reason to continue to use without consequences under our roof. I would say, do NOT under any circumstances give your DD access to any type of money or assets. They are very very resourceful and can find/smell their ways to what they want and need.

katie44

You are not alone Mom. As parents we want to trust our children ( adults ) . Her taking the money from your account only proved your worst fear again. Then to brush it off like it was nothing ? Master manipulators . Don't be so hard on yourself . It's a process detaching . My spouse and I were huge enablers . My fear of detaching was he would die . I had thoughts of him laying in some gutter somewhere . As moms we are programmed to be care givers, too love our children unconditionally . If it meant our AS getting better I would have sold out home and moved too Alaska! I would have gone to the end of the earth too fix him. I remember seeing a counsellor and he asked me if I loved my son . I replied yes, he then said I was helping too destroy him. At that point I thought this man was off his rocker . Our son started using at 16 he is now 28. His addiction has progressed. He stole 1000's from us, sold stuff from our home . It was only when we became as sick as he was we started to detach . It took us years . Some of us detach sooner , some not. I feel your pain truly . Admitting we are powerless is our first step. The pain a parent feels with an addict child is unexplainable . Most people do not understand until they have walked that path. ((( hugs ))))

Ann

As the mama of an addict who has been there, I believe two things...one is that our addicted children really do love us very much, even as we love them even on their worst day. The second is that, as an active addict, they will steal and lie and swear to God they are telling the truth, to support their addiction. This part's not personal, it just is.

I too was afraid of what my son might do if I stopped enabling. I learned that I cannot save him, I cannot buy his addiction away, I cannot punish his addiction away, I cannot threaten, cry, beg, manipulate or bribe his addiction away.

My name is Ann and I am powerless over addiction.

The above was hard for me to accept, but whether I accepted it or not it was the hard truth.

For me, going to meetings helped me find my balance again and to enforce boundaries that protected "me" and made my life livable again...regardless of how my son chose to live.

The funny thing is, as I found recovery I was able to have a better relationship with my son....at a distance and without enabling or giving him a dime. I accepted that I could not change him but could change myself. He accepted that I HAD changed and that I loved him enough to let him live his life with the dignity to make his own choices...regardless of how bad those choices may be.

Hide your valuables including your check books (stealing checks from the middle of the book is a standard), hide your medications and set boundaries for living in your home. If they break those boundaries it is THEIR consequence to pay. We don't "throw them out", they "choose" not to stay because they cannot live by the house rules and our personal boundaries.

Prayer helps me get through my days, giving my son's care to God was the best thing I ever did and the right thing to do.

God bless all our addicted children, God bless all those who love them.

Hugs

camerajen

I cannot begin to describe how much you have all helped me. I am powerless over her addiction, but I can protect myself from losing more money, etc. I can love her but I can also set my boundaries. Maternal instinct is innate. Last night was the first night I slept in I don't know how long after reading all of your kind words of wisdom and kindness. Thank you all so much.

amandamarie

You have to put your foot down at some point. Leaving you broke shows little respect for you and how you feel. You can not let her manipulate you by saying you will make her want to use. It seems she already is. Also, I would tell her you know she is lying about the doctor. As a former drug addict I can tell you nothing gets better when people enable by sweeping things under the rug. I know you want to help her, but letting her take your car/money is not helping her. It is making it easier for her to be an addict. I wish you the best. Stay strong. I think you know what you need to do.

chicory

camerajen, there is a wonderful group of moms here with a lot of strength and wisdom. they have kept me going when I was frazzled beyond words.
big hugs to you, and glad you got some rest.

INgal

THIS IS MY LIFE. Excellent post.

hopeful4

Tight hugs to you. XXX

GardenMama

CameraJen, I am just getting in on this thread, but want you to know that I am thinking of you. I agree with all the advice you've been giving, and second all the support. Mothering addicts is a world apart from other mothering/parenting. Please try to start protecting yourself, your home, and your heart from the manipulations and abuses that come from addiction. I have had to learn how to hold both images of my daughter in my mind--that of the addict I don't trust and who scares me and that of the girl I raised and cherish. It can be done, it just takes a lot of work--meetings, prayers, self-care, and most of all, firm boundaries.

Keep in touch! We are here for you.