noexcuse

It's been a long time since I was on here. Surprise, surprise, nothing has gotten better. I'm sick and shaking right now, just wanting the day to be over so that I can go home, go to sleep, and wake up to a new day.

I have been drinking alcoholically for half of my life. If it was just me, I'd probably keep going down that path. But it's not. I have been drinking for my kids' entire lives. That is heartbreaking to me. I'm not present. I am not doing my job for them. I love them so very much, and I'm going to ruin them.

I used to think that I could get away with it because they are just kids, that they aren't aware of what I am doing. If that were ever truly the case, it certainly isn't anymore. They know where I hide my bottle. They know I'm not OK when I'm 'sleeping.' I found out that one of my neighbors even said something to my daughter about my 'sleeping.' She defended me to him....and she shouldn't have. My first thought was what a jerk! How could he say something like that to her? And then I thought, how embarassing that the neighbors know! Embarassing that a NEIGHBOR knows....not that my poor kids are watching this and being affected by this. That is the epitome of a bad mom.

I reached out to someone at Celebrate Recovery today. I also asked my parents if I could stay with them this weekend if my husband isn't moved back in by then (yet another drunken tale, to be told some other time). It's time to make some uncomfortable decisions so that I don't keep clawing my way deeper into this hole. The first thing that I've got to do is swallow my pride, because I think that has been one of my biggest obstacles. Time to ask for help and actually accept what is offered. There are so many resources, and I've been too wrapped up in my own head to see that even I can be helped.

And since this was the most accessible resource at the moment, I'm reaching out to all of you here at SR for some much needed help. I don't think I can take any more of this suffering.

Hevyn

Hello noexcuse - welcome back to SR - we're glad to see you.

Alcohol took over my life too, without me even realizing what was happening. I drank almost 30 years - all during my son's upbringing. When I finally stopped pretending I had any control, that's when I was able to stop. I clung to the idea of moderating for many years - and it almost destroyed me. You can get free of it noexcuse. Keep talking to us - we care.

noexcuse

I've been clinging to moderating too. I think this year makes it about nine years. That's a long time to think something is going to change without doing anything to make it change.

And I've been drinking for 17 years. That's a lot of lost time. I don't want to lose any more.

ZaBoozer

Hey NE, welcome.

You know yourself that you've come to the right place. You know what you want, now you need to make it happen.

Cheers,

ZAB

DrunkTx

NE - if you are this well articulated as a boozer, imagine how powerful you would be sober? I would say more, but really you sound incredible.

FrankLapidas

The physical withdrawals can be vicious, noexcuse. When I self-detoxed, posting on SR, I was advised by many to see a doc. I didn't take that advice, but I should have. I ended up in very perilous territory. Do you intend to ride it out or seek some help? And, if I may ask, how much have you been drinking the last few weeks?

Hang in there. We are here for you.

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you NoExcuse

FrankLapidas

Here is a thread you might find interesting, noexcuse.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ing-detox.html

noexcuse

I've been drinking about a pint of vodka a day. From past experience, I shake the first day and by the third day I'm feeling well enough to go out and buy some more.

:-(

noexcuse

Thanks for the link, Frank - I actually read that this morning. If I start feeling worse, I'll check myself in. But I'm the only one home to take care of the kids - my husband isn't supposed to be there right now.

Not that I've really been 'caring' for my kids with the shape I've been in.

Incontrol15

Way to go girl.
And thank you for sharing. Read your post just at a time when I was arguing with my AV. As I was reading your post, I was thinking about how badly drinking and drug use messed up my thought processes. Now I'm divorced as a result and left my 2 boys without a dad. Sure I'm here, and in better ways then before, but the pain of my choices are hard to carry. Your post made my AV run and hide. It knows this is a fight it's not going to win right now.

Come and join Frank and I in the Class of April 2015. We're all going through the same thing. Got some 1st days and up to a few weeks of soberness going on there. Together, we can do this. There's strength in numbers.

Thanks again. You really helped. Hope I can repay.

NikTes

Hi noexcuse. Hope you're ok. One healthy step and then another...

ScottFromWI

Welcome back noexcuse. I think you have the right mindset at this point, cut out the excuses and get to work on getting sober. I drank for a lot of my kids early life too, but i've now put a lot of sober time under my belt and they appreciate it - your kids will too. Meetings sound like a great idea whether it's Celebrate, AA, LifeRing, etc - local support can be very helpful. If your parents can help with the kids so you can go to meetings that would be fantastic too, they only take about an hour or so.

Congrats on making the decision to put your foot down and make changes. Hope we can be of help as well here on SR.

noexcuse

I've never heard of LifeRing - I'm going to look them up as well.

My kids have been spending the weekends with my husband while he's living with his brother. I started out picking up my drinking supplies on Saturday mornings and drinking the weekend away. This weekend started on Friday and carried through yesterday. So I called my dad and asked if I could spend the weekend at his house so that I'm not struggling with being alone.

I've never done that before. Or at least not without a hidden agenda of trying to appear that I'm getting it together when I had no intention of really doing it. I really, really want this.

ScottFromWI

Check into as many resources as you can. You can do this - especially if you put as much effort into sobriety as you did into drinking.

JaneLane

I am glad you are here. You sound really switched on and strong in your decision.

Have a look round here, read widely and post as much as you need to, we are all here for each other :-)

Ruby2

Hi NE, I'm glad you are here. What you wrote struck a chord with me. I had been drinking for my children's entire lives except when I was pregnant with them. After having them I decided that I could have a glass or two every now and again. I quickly went back to nightly drinking. Then all day on weekends. Pretty soon in the morning before work and then during lunch. By the end I was passing out on the back porch. Or in the living room in front of the television. Anxious to put them to bed so that I could start drinking seriously. It was not a life for me or for them.

While I'm still working on seeing the impact of my drinking on my children (who are 6 and 9), I can absolutely see the impact of my husband's drinking on them since I've gotten sober. It's painful to say now that as horrible as I was, I was the "responsible" parent. My husband is the "sleeping" parent. My kids were cheated out of much because my head was off someplace else.

I got sober 17 months ago. It hasn't been easy. And it was my second serious attempt. I tried first in October 2012 and had 10.5 months on that go. I am finding myself coming into my own as a mother. I am wholly more present in my children's lives. I am no longer missing their lives as I lay passed out. It is so worth the work it takes to get and stay sober. And it is work. But...

You absolutely do NOT have to do this alone by any stretch of the imagination. If you are in Chicago, as am I, there are tons of resources available to you. Swallow your pride and take advantage of what is out there. I did hospital detox to jump start things and then went in to inpatient rehab. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. My husband and I were also separated at the time and my parents kept our children while I was in. I'd suggest hospital detox for a few days to get ready to work on a whole new you. There is no reason to feel uncomfortable and like you are crawling the walls. It gives you time to step back and reflect and be taken care of before you start the process.

Be well. Ask for help and you will receive it.

noexcuse

Thank you Ruby. I'm so emotional right now, and your post has got me choked up. My kids are 6 and 7, and I know that they have been affected. My son (the 6-year-old) has said, "I know it's hard for you to stop drinking" and my daughter says, "Just stop! Why can't you just stop?!?" This is no life for them. And I'm going to reach out to as many groups as I can. In fact, I was already set up to go into outpatient treatment next week. Now I feel like I can honestly go instead of because I was forced to.

BeBetterforkids

Hi noexcuse - you can do this - my name says it all - BeBetterforkids - I don't want my kids to miss out on the best mom I can be. Today is a good day - every day will get better and you can be there for them starting now.

ccam1973

Welcome back Noexcuse. Sounds like you are truly determined now. That's the way you need to be. Until I was 100% committed I didn't stand a chance.

Like you, I have young kids and drank through their early childhood. They were a huge motivating factor in my quitting drinking. I truly can't remember much of the 20+ years I spent drinking heavily.

First and foremost, do this for you... your kids and everyone else in your life will benefit from your efforts.

Time to find yourself again. You are on the right track.

Congratulations and lean on us as much as you need!