Husband in denial

Old 04-28-2015, 05:00 AM
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Husband in denial

Here is my current situation:
My husband drinks every weekend. All three nights and can fluctuate in amounts. The usual amount is 1 liter of vodka an evening. He drinks at home whist watching sport and talking to his friend online.It seems he needs allot more than your average Joe to satisfy his alcohol needs and refuses to go out because it would be too expensive to buy alcohol. When we do go out he will only take part if there is a pub and will drink pints then finish the night with double shoots of vodka before leaving. He is happy to go out early morning with me on the weekend but its not enjoyable because I always feel hes clock watching to get back before midday, so he doesn't waste his day. He's been drinking excessively like this for about 10 years and I'm worried how long this can continue for.

He makes a massive fuss when he doesn't drink or drinks less, like he should be rewarded for not hitting the bottle. I can count on one hand the amount of weekends he has been dry in the last 3 years. The excuses for drinking ranges from I drink because I'm busy and he's lonely (he used to encourage me to go and visit my mum for the weekend or I was busy applying for jobs) to this is what most people are doing. I have been blamed for wanting to change him, but the issues I have is that he will sit down at the computer all weekend and drink. Once he was so drunk he left the gas hob on over night. luckily it was summer and i smelt the gas. I cant even string a sentence together at times and forgets what he has done or is doing.

I have spoken to him about it and pointed out that its an issue which will will ruin his health, financially and with relationships. He turns my concern back on me by getting defensive or points out I'm no one to judge and I should sort myself out first before passing judgment and he can afford to drink (I have been made redundant a few years ago and since found it difficult to get a permanent job ). He doesn't care about the damaging side effects and claims he will be dead by 40 (he is 34 now) and he should make the most of it now.

He has only admitted twice that he has a problem. Once, morning after he got very drunk, he was really ill, sick etc... He admitted that he had to stop and needed help. And, the second time was whilst he was drunk. Since he has admitted I have attempted to broach the subject but he denies saying it. Iv'e attempted to ask him why he drinks but he changes the subject. During a heated argument with him when he was drunk he told me he does it because he loves it!

I think he is an alcoholic and its only his work stopping from doing it full time.

Can anybody give me some advise on how to move forward?

Last edited by worriedwelshy; 04-28-2015 at 05:04 AM. Reason: grammer
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Old 04-28-2015, 05:17 AM
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Hello and welcome -

I would suggest reading the stickies at the top of this forum.

I can also suggest some sort of support group, like Alanon or even individual therapy. I would also suggest the book Codependent No More.

You cannot stop him from the drinking. You cannot force him into recovery. There is no reasoning with an active A. He will continue to deny it until he is ready to seek help on his own.

What are YOUR recovery plans?
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Old 04-28-2015, 05:28 AM
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His drinking isn't just dangerous to him, but also to you. Before I left my ex was at the point where he was passing out with lit cigarettes and leaving the stove on all night. At the time I was desensitized to that behavior, but thinking back on it is really frightening. Like your husband, he has no desire to quit and doesn't believe he has a problem. Nothing I did or said could convince him of that. I had to start making boundaries to protect myself and my children because that was the only thing I had the power to do.
Excellent reading suggestions and advice about the Alanon meeting in ktt's post. Please read around the site and ask questions. We are here for you.
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Old 04-28-2015, 06:49 AM
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I second that you go to the top of the forum and read the stickies.

Thing is, there is no WHY. He is drinking b/c he is an alcoholic, simple as that. He is pointing the blame back to you as a form of manipulation b/c he does not want to accept any blame or admit it's an issue, that would require him to change, and he does not want to do that.

It will progress. He has it planned in his head obviously, as per his own statement that he will be dead by 40.

You need face to face support for YOU. There is Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, therapy with someone who specializes in addiction, all sorts of things. Here at SR you will also find good support.

Only you can decide how long you are willing to accept this behavior in your life, and what you can or will do about it. I know I made some boundaries w/myself regarding my X husband before I made him leave. I decided I would not be around him if he was drinking. For me, for a while, that meant I would leave if he drank. Then I got tired of that. Why should I leave. So from there, I made him leave. I did not waste my breath in fighting or anything of the sort as there was absolutely no point in that.

Eventually it all blew up, but that is not the point. The point is, you cannot change his behavior, only your own.

Hugs to you. I know it's so hard, and it hurts. Keep coming to SR, get face to face support, and don't isolate, that is a form of self abuse!

We are here for you!
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