Aggie812

My live in boyfriend of nine years is out of a 5 day detox, two weeks now. When he came home he told me he was moving out and wanted a separation, or a break as he called it, needing time. As heartbroken as I am/felt, I was very understanding and told him that I would support him and wait. He is back to attending NA Meetings, working on his steps, recreational activity and working full time. He moved back in with his mother with whom he did not have a relationship for three years with, because of his addiction. She took him back in and they are rebuilding the relationship that they lost. I am confused. I've been through it all with him, rehab 3-4 times, incarceration, iop's, sober living homes, etc. He relapsed again and this time wants a break. Now I am stuck with guilt, hopelessness, resentment, fear, empathy for him, and I don't know what to do about it. We were friends, lovers, partners, and now I almost feel like a stranger. Any advice, besides give it time?

horsegirl

Hi,
I really have no word of wisdom for you. My xabf of 10 years broke it off with me when he started drinking again . most of the time I am happy, I dont have to see or know what is going on with him. Sometimes though it feels like he kicked me when I was down. I supported him and loved him unconditionally. I have to admitt I was a great co-dependent , tryng to make him be or do things that I thought were best for our relationship. In truth only he can do that for himself. My best course is to heal from the grief , feel the sadness, let it wash over me and continue on with my life. I try to look at him breaking up with me like he did me a favor. Remember we cannot really know why an addict does or says what they do , no way to make sense out of nonsense. I try to think that just possibly he really does love me and he left out of that love for me. Maybe he did / does not want me seeing him going down a path of distruction. Hugs to you , I know how it feels . I saw a picture of him the other day (it has only been a month since I saw him) and I too said , "Wow I don't know this man anymore" it is as if he is a stranger.

zoso77

Hi, Aggie. I'm not sure if I've had the pleasure of meeting you yet, so Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us.

Nine years together is a long time, and from what you've described, you've been through quite a lot with him. When we go from seeing someone every day to not seeing them at all, that's a very, very difficult thing to adapt to. So the fear and the hopelessness that you're currently feeling is understandable.

That said, don't feel guilty. He's made his choices, and those choices have been repeatedly the wrong ones. That's got nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. At this moment, he's got absolutely nothing to give you, and he's had absolutely nothing to give you for a long time.

So there's a couple of different ways this can go. The first way is you can look at this as an opportunity to work on yourself and to have a healthy life outside of him. Independence after all this time is something you may find that agrees with you. And to achieve that, I encourage you to do things that are good for you and fill your soul.

The second way things can go is you hold onto him with all your strength, and are thus disappointed because he's unable to be what you need him to be.

My hope is you choose the first way. That doesn't mean it'll be easy. You're going to miss him. But what choice do you have, Aggie? Addicts aren't good partners. Maybe there'll come a day when he can be a good partner. Then again, it's been 9 years and a lot of heartache and disappointment during that time.

Take care of you. Everything else will evolve as it's meant to.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

AnvilheadII

I was very understanding and told him that I would support him and wait.

Now I am stuck with guilt, hopelessness, resentment, fear, empathy for him, and I don't know what to do about it.

well then perhaps you weren't so "understanding" as you wanted to be or hoped you would be. we often want to SOUND like the loving understanding patient partner, when in fact we are more the guility, resent-filled, anxious, scared partner who has been left to face OURSELVES.

for nine years it sounds like his shenanigans served as the entertainment committee.....he's using, he's detoxing, he's relapsing, he's IOPing, him him him.....never getting any better, and never really giving YOU a chance to be center stage. but in this "play" you very much has a ROLE.

thing is after nine years and all this round and round with relapse and recovery attempts, your BF has decided to try something different THIS TIME. it is often recommended that addicts change their playmates, playgrounds and playthings.

regardless - you can't exactly bind him in duct tape and drag him home kicking and screaming. so you take this time to work on you....to seek whatever mind/body/soul healing YOU need. to break your old patterns. to find your own recovery and renewal.

Aggie812

I seem to disagree with your response to this. Isn't love supposed to endearing, forgiving, supporting, and committing? This is why I stayed I could have thrown in the towel but chose not to because he has a disease. So who is recommending to choose new playmates and playthings? Is this the na community? This isn't a "play" in any aspect. This is/ was real .

MissUs2015

Addiction is a disease. It's a disease that the addict has to confront by himself. If he has excluded you, that has to be super hurtful. . It may not be your first choice to do your own thing, but the other choice is in hanging around someone who wants to distance himself from you.

.

FeelingGreat

Hi Aggie, love is complicated. You stayed by him because you loved him, but this might not have been the best thing for his recovery. Not that you did anything wrong per se, but he relapsed over and over again, and part of that scenario was that he went back into a comfortable relationship where there were few consequences for his behaviour.
Chances are that he might actually want recovery this time, and he might need the time apart to concentrate on himself only, outside a relationship.
I understand you're feeling hurt and rejected, but you did what you thought right at the time, and it was your choice. He's now making another choice as an adult, and hopefully one that's best for sobriety.
I agree with other posters that your priority now is to work on your own life, not as it relates to him, but for yourself. Has your life until now revolved around his dramas? Are you at a loss because you don't have those distractions any more?
Some ideas for now would be Al-anon meetings, taking courses, getting out into group activities, re-connecting with friends and family, anything fun. Make yourself your project for once.

CarmenLove

Hi Aggie,

I think the 'play' idea is from a leaflet in Al Anon called 'A Merry-goround Named Denial' perhaps.

Sorry for your pain.

I agree, attend Al Anon meetings, get support for yourself, read up, The book Codpendent No More, take excellent care of you.

This is what you would have chosen and I am sorry for that. However you can choose how you will respond to it. Is there anything you ever really, really wanted to do and haven't had the chance?

Maybe now could be the time.

Hugs.

chicory

Hi Aggie. I am glad you are here, but the reason why stinks, I know

For me, rejection is the most hurtful feeling, when it comes from one you love. You spent all those years, investing in him-in your relationship- but it was pretty lopsided, from what you say. Probably pretty much all about him, and his problems. That must have become your way of life, the norm. Addiction takes center stage, always. It consumes everything in its path.

Personally, if the one I loved wanted to part ways, I would let go, because you cannot really hold anyone who does not want to be there. I want someone who can return the love I am willing to give, and who can join me in making a happy home, and make that his priority, as I would.

This may turn out to be your ticket to a better life than you have been having, by far. Take this as an opportunity to reconnect with you...and with what you need and want from life.

I am sorry. I know it hurts badly. It will get better, and you will see more clearly when you are not reacting to him. Take care of you for a change, and time will make things clear.

best wishes, and hang in there. Keep posting, we understand.
chicory

Aggie812

[QUOTE=FeelingGreat;5341929]Not that you did anything wrong per se, but he relapsed over and over again, and part of that scenario was that he went back into a comfortable relationship where there were few consequences for his behaviour.

This is totally untrue. There were always consequences for his actions, and when I suspected foul play, I never made it comfortable for him, never enabled, didn't engage, etc. There were a few times he chose to leave and stay at a friends when things were not so good with him.

zoso77

That's one way you can look at love.

What I have come to appreciate over the years, Aggie, is love is not necessarily a life sentence. Yes, you hung in there for him. But your love and support did not make a difference to him in terms of how he chose to live his life for 9 years:

In any relationship, there needs to be reciprocity. He was unable to absorb your love and support. And he was unable to be the committed, responsible partner you needed him to be. He's still not. And he may never be.

Does he have a disease? There's a school of thought that supports that theory. Be that as it may, he has a responsibility to keep that disease in check. Is that easy? No. But it can be done. Go read some of Anvil's stories, because she's in recovery. The (sometimes) brutal honesty she exercises here is no different than what she chooses to exercise with respect to her own life and why she did what she did.

You have an opportunity to establish a life outside of him and your relationship. I know it's an opportunity you didn't want. I know you're hurting, and I empathize with that more than you realize. But sometimes God gives us what Ann likes to call "strangely wrapped gifts". That's something I encourage you to consider.

Be safe.

SuzyMarie

But he always had you to fall back on. I know how you feel; I was with my ex on and off for almost a decade...similar scenarios..rehab, counseling, AA, couples counseling, arrests - on and on and on. I know for me, I honestly did become very bitter, resentful, and angry that he couldn't 'get it together' for ME. Remove him from the equation and all there was left to focus on was ME, and gosh does that SUCK at times. But, in the last few years, I have really taken the time to focus on my role in the relationship, WHY I took up with someone so unhealthy, and stayed. Gee, turns out I really had my own issues to work out and they far preceded meeting my ex! As painful as it has been, I would not trade my life now for where I was a few years ago. For me, hindsight has definitely added much clarity to my part in all of it.

Aggie812

The boyfriend has a girlfriend, apparently someone he met in NA or at Detox not sure where, but this is the whole reason why he needed "a break". Nothing to do with his recovery. Found Love, because now he can relate to someone like him, one addict to another. Why couldn't he just tell me? What a coward. Can't even answer the phone. Seems like he's heading down a path of destruction.... I removed his contact from my phone and blocked his phone number. I will leave the lan line open because I can't block it there.

SuzyMarie

Ugh, Aggie...I knew that was probably the case. Been there. If you care to, read through my past posts/replies on these boards for some more insight. Sorry, I know it sucks and although it's neither here nor there, it won't last and let's just say it does...it is an unhealthy union..not judging, but it is the truth.

zoso77

I suspected this was the case, but I didn't want to speculate until it was confirmed.

When you get a chance, shoot me a PM and we'll talk. I've got a lot of experience with situations like this.

zoso77

One thing I would like to add: he is not in recovery.

If he was working the program, he would have been honest with you about what he was doing. If he was working the program, he would not start another relationship. No, what he's doing is all about tickling the pleasure center in his brain.

And it's f--king typical.

SuzyMarie

That is a good point Zoso. With my ex, there was the illusion of him in recovery...heavily involved in AA, etc., however, within a month of him leaving our home, he told me he could not focus on recovery and be in a relationship, within another month or so he was living with someone he met in AA..lol. He thought he could recover through osmosis? Needless to say, that imploded pretty quickly and sad to say, almost 4 years later he is still not sober. But through it all and most importantly, I sought my own recovery and have been able to focus on myself, attend Al Anon and continue to heal hurts that came long before I even met my ex. I am far from perfect but so far from where I used to be and I am grateful.

allmirages

Aggie - I went through the same situation except even after 3 months of being apart, he still denies he is seeing the girl. Like you, all I wanted was honesty. I went to AA meetings for 3 months with him while he was in rehab and go to Alanon now. Lying...is NOT part of the program...period. I'm told my ex is doomed to fail if he doesn't work the steps of his program. I have no idea how he's stayed sober so long (6months) but someone suggested it might be the "pink cloud" affect some experience in early recovery. I just looked up the term online and it makes sense.

Hugs to you, I know it is very painful. I would message Zoso, he is such a wealth of experience. I love reading his posts, they always seem to give me perspective even when they are directed at someone else's post. Unfortunately, our names, locations, addicts DOC are many times different, but the pain we experience while they are in addictive addiction, is so very similar.

Hugs to you. Please take this time to be easy on yourself and possibly consider going to a face to face support group such as Alanon or Naranon, etc. And please, continue posting here...we are here for support and can relate to you. You are NOT alone ~

CarmenLove

Aggie,

I am sorry. That REALLY SUCKS!

I think my STBXAH is with someone else already too, after less than a month he has another woman staying in the house.

This seems to be really common.

You know what though for me it is just making me know how totally much he isn't for me, and how much better I can do.

How are you holding up?

Aggie812

Hi! Suprisingly I am ok. It's as if he did me favor. I feel a sense of relief almost. I think inside I wanted this to happen. I know I deserve so much better. I will have my ups and downs, but i'll be ok. I survived a divorce that was much more brutal than this, so this is a skate in the park for me.