The burden of carrying resentments
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
The burden of carrying resentments
Hi all,
A really good friend of mine sent me a quick note of support last week that shook loose a bunch of frustrations and resentments that I'm feeling towards my AH. It's interesting how someone being nice can remind me how much pain I feel in my marriage.
It got me wondering if I was feeling resentments because I'm not spiritually fit, or if I am resentful because I've been trying to do the impossible - to accept behavior that's unacceptable.
I'm a childish, dysfunctional, emotionally toxic alcoholic who's been sober for 14 months. I share this in the spirit of rigorous honesty, not out of any shame or self hate. My husband didn't stop drinking when I did.
I've spent the past 14 months uncovering the ways I've been hurt in our marriage. I've shared my feelings with him. He's stopped certain of his controlling, mean actions.
He doesn't drink as much as when we were both active, but he's still a drunk. He gets drunk around me, has mood swings, is self centered, and starts fights when he doesn't get his way. I need to work through some of those thing that are bothering me this weekend, here. I don't know if I'm carrying these resentments because I'm clinging to some old, unhealthy relationship paradigm - or if it's my boundaries screaming for me to completely detach from someone who's unwilling to work on their issues.
I am in the process of fixing our finances. I am resentful that he has ignored small financial issues, causing them to compound into a big mess, while being in charge of them for the past five years. I have had to take charge to fix them, and in doing so beg him to understand the changes we need to make and the ramifications if we don't.
I gained a bunch of weight when I got sober and have gone on a strict diet where I don't eat processed foods or sweets. In the past he would often tell me that I complain about my weight but never stick to a solution. I'm sticking to this one this time. He's not one iota supportive. Moreover, now that I'm NOT eating junk, he's offering to buy me treats - something he never did when I was actively enjoying treats.
I came home from a girls night out Friday and the house smelled like mouthwash (his cover up). When he asked me about my night out, I realized he was too stupid drunk to carry on a conversation. He was confused and belligerent so I just pretended to fall asleep.
He's not willing to work on his issues; he doesn't feel he has any issues. He thinks the issues are mine, that I'm unreasonable and all-or-nothing.
My sense of self worth is improving enough so that I am aware of the role that the unrealistic, codependent tendencies that I used to have that got us into this mess. I'm working hard to shed my old patterns, and I think it's perfectly reasonable a partner to be kind, supportive, and sober.
Thanks in advance for your insights!!
A really good friend of mine sent me a quick note of support last week that shook loose a bunch of frustrations and resentments that I'm feeling towards my AH. It's interesting how someone being nice can remind me how much pain I feel in my marriage.
It got me wondering if I was feeling resentments because I'm not spiritually fit, or if I am resentful because I've been trying to do the impossible - to accept behavior that's unacceptable.
I'm a childish, dysfunctional, emotionally toxic alcoholic who's been sober for 14 months. I share this in the spirit of rigorous honesty, not out of any shame or self hate. My husband didn't stop drinking when I did.
I've spent the past 14 months uncovering the ways I've been hurt in our marriage. I've shared my feelings with him. He's stopped certain of his controlling, mean actions.
He doesn't drink as much as when we were both active, but he's still a drunk. He gets drunk around me, has mood swings, is self centered, and starts fights when he doesn't get his way. I need to work through some of those thing that are bothering me this weekend, here. I don't know if I'm carrying these resentments because I'm clinging to some old, unhealthy relationship paradigm - or if it's my boundaries screaming for me to completely detach from someone who's unwilling to work on their issues.
I am in the process of fixing our finances. I am resentful that he has ignored small financial issues, causing them to compound into a big mess, while being in charge of them for the past five years. I have had to take charge to fix them, and in doing so beg him to understand the changes we need to make and the ramifications if we don't.
I gained a bunch of weight when I got sober and have gone on a strict diet where I don't eat processed foods or sweets. In the past he would often tell me that I complain about my weight but never stick to a solution. I'm sticking to this one this time. He's not one iota supportive. Moreover, now that I'm NOT eating junk, he's offering to buy me treats - something he never did when I was actively enjoying treats.
I came home from a girls night out Friday and the house smelled like mouthwash (his cover up). When he asked me about my night out, I realized he was too stupid drunk to carry on a conversation. He was confused and belligerent so I just pretended to fall asleep.
He's not willing to work on his issues; he doesn't feel he has any issues. He thinks the issues are mine, that I'm unreasonable and all-or-nothing.
My sense of self worth is improving enough so that I am aware of the role that the unrealistic, codependent tendencies that I used to have that got us into this mess. I'm working hard to shed my old patterns, and I think it's perfectly reasonable a partner to be kind, supportive, and sober.
Thanks in advance for your insights!!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by gleefan 
My sense of self worth is improving enough so that I am aware of the role that the unrealistic, codependent tendencies that I used to have that got us into this mess. I'm working hard to shed my old patterns, and I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect a partner to be kind, supportive, and sober.
And you know what? I don't think it's one bit unreasonable to expect a partner to be kind, supportive and sober. I do understand the struggle you're going thru in trying to figure out what is an unhealthy and unreasonable resentment that is coming from a place of selfishness versus what is a very healthy refusal to accept unacceptable behavior. I'm in a similar place myself, trying to fight my way thru the expectations and the desire to control and see what is true and fair.
No words of wisdom, just letting you know you're not alone in the trenches on this one...! Wishing you strength and clarity.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Glee, you've taken huge strides since becoming sober, so congratulations. Every marriage is different, but financially it never pays to just leave it to someone else; families have to work as team to achieve financial and life goals.
Would it be worth sitting down with him when he's sober and deciding on some mutual goals you could work together on? There's the money side, but maybe a project you could both participate in?
It doesn't sound like he's getting sober in the near future, but maybe he feels it's all futile because you've left him behind. I often see this in marriages where one partner continues to develop and grow, and the other one just wants things to remain the same.
Would it be worth sitting down with him when he's sober and deciding on some mutual goals you could work together on? There's the money side, but maybe a project you could both participate in?
It doesn't sound like he's getting sober in the near future, but maybe he feels it's all futile because you've left him behind. I often see this in marriages where one partner continues to develop and grow, and the other one just wants things to remain the same.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by gleefan
Hi all,
A really good friend of mine sent me a quick note of support last week that shook loose a bunch of frustrations and resentments that I'm feeling towards my AH. It's interesting how someone being nice can remind me how much pain I feel in my marriage.
It got me wondering if I was feeling resentments because I'm not spiritually fit, or if I am resentful because I've been trying to do the impossible - to accept behavior that's unacceptable.
I'm a childish, dysfunctional, emotionally toxic alcoholic who's been sober for 14 months. I share this in the spirit of rigorous honesty, not out of any shame or self hate. My husband didn't stop drinking when I did.
I've spent the past 14 months uncovering the ways I've been hurt in our marriage. I've shared my feelings with him. He's stopped certain of his controlling, mean actions.
He doesn't drink as much as when we were both active, but he's still a drunk. He gets drunk around me, has mood swings, is self centered, and starts fights when he doesn't get his way. I need to work through some of those thing that are bothering me this weekend, here. I don't know if I'm carrying these resentments because I'm clinging to some old, unhealthy relationship paradigm - or if it's my boundaries screaming for me to completely detach from someone who's unwilling to work on their issues.
I am in the process of fixing our finances. I am resentful that he has ignored small financial issues, causing them to compound into a big mess, while being in charge of them for the past five years. I have had to take charge to fix them, and in doing so beg him to understand the changes we need to make and the ramifications if we don't.
I gained a bunch of weight when I got sober and have gone on a strict diet where I don't eat processed foods or sweets. In the past he would often tell me that I complain about my weight but never stick to a solution. I'm sticking to this one this time. He's not one iota supportive. Moreover, now that I'm NOT eating junk, he's offering to buy me treats - something he never did when I was actively enjoying treats.
I came home from a girls night out Friday and the house smelled like mouthwash (his cover up). When he asked me about my night out, I realized he was too stupid drunk to carry on a conversation. He was confused and belligerent so I just pretended to fall asleep.
He's not willing to work on his issues; he doesn't feel he has any issues. He thinks the issues are mine, that I'm unreasonable and all-or-nothing.
My sense of self worth is improving enough so that I am aware of the role that the unrealistic, codependent tendencies that I used to have that got us into this mess. I'm working hard to shed my old patterns, and I think it's perfectly reasonable a partner to be kind, supportive, and sober.
Thanks in advance for your insights!!
A really good friend of mine sent me a quick note of support last week that shook loose a bunch of frustrations and resentments that I'm feeling towards my AH. It's interesting how someone being nice can remind me how much pain I feel in my marriage.
It got me wondering if I was feeling resentments because I'm not spiritually fit, or if I am resentful because I've been trying to do the impossible - to accept behavior that's unacceptable.
I'm a childish, dysfunctional, emotionally toxic alcoholic who's been sober for 14 months. I share this in the spirit of rigorous honesty, not out of any shame or self hate. My husband didn't stop drinking when I did.
I've spent the past 14 months uncovering the ways I've been hurt in our marriage. I've shared my feelings with him. He's stopped certain of his controlling, mean actions.
He doesn't drink as much as when we were both active, but he's still a drunk. He gets drunk around me, has mood swings, is self centered, and starts fights when he doesn't get his way. I need to work through some of those thing that are bothering me this weekend, here. I don't know if I'm carrying these resentments because I'm clinging to some old, unhealthy relationship paradigm - or if it's my boundaries screaming for me to completely detach from someone who's unwilling to work on their issues.
I am in the process of fixing our finances. I am resentful that he has ignored small financial issues, causing them to compound into a big mess, while being in charge of them for the past five years. I have had to take charge to fix them, and in doing so beg him to understand the changes we need to make and the ramifications if we don't.
I gained a bunch of weight when I got sober and have gone on a strict diet where I don't eat processed foods or sweets. In the past he would often tell me that I complain about my weight but never stick to a solution. I'm sticking to this one this time. He's not one iota supportive. Moreover, now that I'm NOT eating junk, he's offering to buy me treats - something he never did when I was actively enjoying treats.
I came home from a girls night out Friday and the house smelled like mouthwash (his cover up). When he asked me about my night out, I realized he was too stupid drunk to carry on a conversation. He was confused and belligerent so I just pretended to fall asleep.
He's not willing to work on his issues; he doesn't feel he has any issues. He thinks the issues are mine, that I'm unreasonable and all-or-nothing.
My sense of self worth is improving enough so that I am aware of the role that the unrealistic, codependent tendencies that I used to have that got us into this mess. I'm working hard to shed my old patterns, and I think it's perfectly reasonable a partner to be kind, supportive, and sober.
Thanks in advance for your insights!!
I expect you will get to a point where your path will become clear.
QUOTE=gleefan;5338735]I'm a childish, dysfunctional, emotionally toxic alcoholic who's been sober for 14 months[/QUOTE]
This by the way - I am not an alcoholic, however I feel like I can relate to it. I often think I am still childish, dysfunctions, emotionally toxic, (oh and codependent). Not sure how long I have been sober (as Codpendancy is a bit trigger to measure) or even if I am yet, however I am feeling clearer / better as time goes by.
Not quite sure the point of this last bit, only that I can relate.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Originally Posted by CarmenLove
I often think I am still childish, dysfunctions, emotionally toxic, (oh and codependent). Not sure how long I have been sober (as Codpendancy is a bit trigger to measure) or even if I am yet, however I am feeling clearer / better as time goes by.
In the days, weeks and even months following my sobriety from alcohol, I woke up every day and felt tired and unmotivated. I didn't have that pink cloud where I felt determined to conquer all my demons in one fell swoop. However, after getting sober, as I work through other issues/isms/toxic behaviors, there is a clarity emerging that I've never felt before.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think I got a lot more in general from recovery from codependence than recovery from alcohol.
It is all about control and power and powerlessness and acceptance, IMO.
And staying out of other peoples' heads.
I somehow think I have all the answers. . . and God laughs.
It is all about control and power and powerlessness and acceptance, IMO.
And staying out of other peoples' heads.
I somehow think I have all the answers. . . and God laughs.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by gleefan
In the days, weeks and even months following my sobriety from alcohol, I woke up every day and felt tired and unmotivated. I didn't have that pink cloud where I felt determined to conquer all my demons in one fell swoop. .
I tend to go to extremes. I just happen never to have been addicted to a substance.
However I think my thinking is addictive in nature sometimes (obsessive).
Interesting, isn't it, how when it comes down to it, there are so many similarities.
I think it's so easy to point the finger. Much harder to look inside.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Are you working the steps with a sponsor? Steps 4 & 5 are specifically geared towards dealing with resentments, which can cause us to drink again. "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory ......." We look at our resentments and the character defects that cause them. I'm sober 23 years and can't imagine life without the ability to deal with toxic resentments.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: SoCal
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by gleefan
I don't know if I'm carrying these resentments because I'm clinging to some old, unhealthy relationship paradigm - or if it's my boundaries screaming for me to completely detach from someone who's unwilling to work on their issues.
Just .... thank you for this! This so describes the battle waging in me right now. My AH is also either unwilling or unable (does it really matter which?) to work on his issues - although he has acknowledged he is an A and ... quack, quack, quack ..... you know the rest.
I've promised myself to work on my own issues and not make a decision affecting me and the kids until this Fall, but oh am I struggling.
Again,
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