healthyagain

For this forum and for all of you, and your kind advice and support through all these years. Without you, I would not be where I am today, determined to cut this sickness out of my life. My apartment application is ready and I will take it tomorrow to the landladies. I also contacted our state's legal services non-profit organization (they have online chat!), and I left an offline message asking the question about moving before filing for divorce. I probably never told you this, but I have this horrible anxiety when talking on the phone.

And here is what was going on with my AH:

Friday afternoon, he comes home from work, all happy (and Thursday night I told him I would be moving out) as if nothing's wrong! So I ask him if we could talk for a second. I tell him I went to see the landlady and that I will be moving out.

He says, "So you are getting a studio, eh?" "Maybe a one-bedroom place," I answered.

And just to stress that the conversation was very civil.

And of course he starts drinking immediately. And he keeps acting as if nothing's going on, but you can see he is trying hard to pretend.

To cut the long story short, he has been drunk whole weekend, but trying to act all nice, with me, the dog, suggesting to make pizzas together. Well, I do not cook for him anymore, so I politely refuse. And his enthusiasm is gone. He is almost like a kid who tried to manipulate his parents to get something, but is about to throw a fit when they say no. His mask falls down so fast.

And for this I am particularly grateful. At first I felt like getting into that bedroom and telling him, "Stop pretending! We are divorcing and I am moving out! Period." But I did not. That little voice told me, "Why the hell would you do that? Just get that apartment application and take it downstairs! Why do you want to keep arguing with him? You know what is going to happen."

So I am celebrating my inner voice today and the ability to stay calm and stay focused on my goal.

And I thank you all for being here bringing my sanity back with your kind words. And I dare say, saving my life.

Refiner

That is so awesome and this progress and getting over the "moving out hump" and telling him and starting the process must feel great!

PHIZ007

So good to read this post.

Our inner voice speaks volumes doesn't it?

So glad for you to see you moving forward. I have heard that the peace and serenity behind your own front door is truly wonderful.

I am slowly stepping that way too, but it takes time.

All the very best to you. phiz

gleefan

That is an inspiring story. I'm proud of you for heeding your inner truth.

You explained a phenomenon so articulately that I see with my AH. Like your A, he pretends all is well, fumbles to get his way with something, and when I express my boundaries, the mask falls away and he's a cranky little child who failed to get his way. Well said!

I've stopped pointing out the phenomenon to him. When I point it out, all he does is try to convince me I'm crazy for seeing it that way. I've realized he doesn't want to work through his issues - and I'm learning it's not my place to force anyone to do so.

It takes hard work to get to the place where you are! Thanks for sharing!

healthyagain

I just called the local hotline, and told them what is going on, that I am getting to file for divorce, that I'll be moving out, and that I am afraid that things might escalate.

What happened in between is that he told me that I could not take the dog with me because "it is his dog, he treats him better than I do, and that we can ask him if he wants to go with me."

Now, this is pretty much a textbook example of abuse.

They told me to call back on a work day, that they will have a whole bunch of resources for me, including on divorce.

So, my dear people, one big THANK YOU again.