seek

I would love to hear from others what kinds of things they think and do when they find themselves having to detach . . .

I am not very good at detachment and I need all of the hints and tips I can get.

I can be too inquisitive and too available - please share things you have learned to do to help yourself.

I keep triggering myself into PTSD responses - and then I have to recover - over and over again.

Please share!

Tell how you are able to turn your worries into peace of mind and HOW you are able to enjoy your days (what you tell yourself - what kinds of thoughts you think, things you do and don't do).

Thank you

pilotlady

Seek- I have found after 5 years of addiction with my son, that for me, the only way detachment can be successful is to completely walk away. I have done the dance with him many, many times only to be pulled back in and then hate myself for letting him hurt me again. The one thing that finally hit me was when I finally got it. That no matter how much I love him, all he does is use that love to get what he wants. The last time he did this I literally felt something lift from my shoulders and was able to do the "no contact" deal.
I cannot hear his voice because he my son. And his voice makes me breakdown. We may talk occasionally, but not very often and I am very guarded during any conversation. I do not believe you can ever fully
detach. At least as a Mom. He is on my mind, but the longer it is, the less I think about him. Sad, I know. But, it is the only way to save my sanity. I never, never ask questions. I simply do not want to know. I find out other ways about his arrests, hospital stays, etc. I do not yet have peace of mind, and do not know if I ever will. His addiction sucked the joy out of me.

Refiner

I, too, "did the dance" with my NPD/A sister for 45 years! (I'm 50 now) Between the time my Mom died in 2010 and now it went from detachment techniques to finally going No Contact in January (Jan. 1 to be precise! My last text to her was a sickenly sweet/fake Happy New Year type text as I knew I would never speak to her again -- kind of a "send-off" gift to myself, lol). My techniques included: She would be the one to contact me if we were ever to have a communication. I would not contact her for anything. Not A N Y T H I N G. When she would contact me "Hey, we're having an early birthday deal for "your nephew" on Saturday if you want to come. I'd respond with "Oh, that's wonderful to hear! I'm sorry but won't be able to make it. But THANKS for the invite!" Then a card or something would go in the mail to Dear Nephew. After so many years of getting this response, it finally dwindled down to no contact (and I no longer had my enabling Mother telling me to "be the bigger person and go", etc.). You see, when you don't react to their drama or abuse anymore, it's not as fun for them. You are no longer their "supplier". Of course, I'm speaking from my specific situation that NPD played a big part in. It's not like where she'd be calling me up and manipulating me for $ to feed her habits, or anything. Start by just keeping it on a highly professional basis in communication that most immportantly, YOU DON'T INITIATE. YOU take control of YOUR situation and actions, not the other way around.

BellaBlue

Seek, I have no tips for detachment because it has been forced on me by my son. At this point, I have not spoken to him since October, mainly because he will not answer calls or texts. I don't try to contact him much (only twice in all this time) as the constant rejection is too much to bear. I try to keep my mind busy either through working, exercising or reading. I give him over to God and pray for healing for both of us. I don't have much to say to anyone and I feel like a wet blanket, so I keep to myself. I have rather shut down, I think.

happybeingme

For me detachment means minding my own business and letting people live their lives exactly how they want to.

I do this by not sticking my nose into everything. I also don't go looking for things to involve myself in. But, I am always approachable. When someone shares with me what's going on I simply listen. Most people just want to vent. If they are looking for more from me I then ask myself questions.

Do they need help? Should I help? How can I help? I try to look at it dispassionately. Sometimes even if I can technically help I will choose not to because I feel that the mental, emotional, physical toll will be too great for me.

I am a recovered alcoholic and adult child. I also have clinical depression for which I am medicated. Plus I am a recovering codependent /enabler and victim/ martyr. Oh yeah and wife, mom, sister and aunt.

Being pestered, stalked guilted or nagged would not have helped me quit drinking. I had to follow my own path. Fall flat on my face and find my own way back. Some don't.

Detaching to me is all about being emotionally healthy myself and treating people with the respect and dignity I myself want. There are no trophies for sacrificing your life on someone who doesn't want it.

Twofish

Dear Seek,
I agree about going no contact. I couldn't do it, so the police did it for me. Sad.
I miss my daughter and grandson every minute. And it's so hard...there's pictures of them all over my home...and no I'm not taking them down...not yet.
The first thing I did was STOP financing their every need, kept my nose out of their business...tens of thousands of dollars later I finally figured that out.
TRY to stop crying (if you do cry) it just puts me in a Codie mood and that makes this cryer, cry more.
I don't know what else...I wish I knew and could tell you. I go to therapy, recovery meetings, DivorceCare, church...I try to keep busy, but their memories are everywhere...her clothes, food, baby stuff, her scent...she's alive and I feel grateful, other mommas are not so lucky. It feels like grief
Keep busy Seek, that's all I can offer. I often think, how much can this old heart take? Do we ever get a respite break??
Respectfully,
TF

pilotlady

So darn sad...

seek

One of the hooks for me is that I "forget" that the young alcoholic IS alcoholic - he looks "normal" and I go into denial and start thinking he IS "normal" (because I want him to be). And he is working a program and is apparently sober, so if you love the person, you want them to become healthy and you get on the side of hope . . .

And then when there are conversations, I let my guard down and start asking questions - and that leads to trouble and arguments . . . it doesn't seem like there are many "safe" subjects because we disagree about just about everything . . . just completely different perspectives on life.

He also likes to volunteer information that ends up worrying me - and then he chastises me for worrying. I am just figuring all of this out and wanting to find different ways of relating.

Right now it seems best to limit interactions.

I have GREAT anxiety and fear over all kinds of things.

Meetings and all of that does not help me. It's better for me not to be immersed in "the problem" and to find ways to occupy my self and my mind that involve more of my stuff, as opposed to his stuff. It is really hard because he reaches out to me and I have a hard time saying "no" to much of anything (especially if I think it might be something that would be healthy for him).

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. My stomach is in knots. I had so much anxiety last night I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown.

Today I took care of myself and spoke up for myself . . . so baby steps.

Morning Glory

Seek, I have PTSD. I've learned to cope much better with all of it through the years. I'm also super sensitive and take on the emotions and problems of others in my life. I've learned to take each day as it happens. I try not to think of the past or look into the future. All we have is today and all we can do is the next right thing.

seek

Morning Glory: I too have PTSD and am empathic. I am also naturally inquisitive and curious and prone to worry. And this is someone I love very much. Anyway, I am hoping I will find the strength to develop new habits and that there is a greater purpose to all of this. Having a larger perspective is helpful to me.

I feel I am processing a lot of fear and uncertainty and that this is a catalyst for that.

I have been feeling very "unsafe" - and that is MY issue - I have to figure out how to move through that and be okay no matter what he is doing or not doing.

It's very hard work.

Morning Glory

It is very hard work. With PTSD we live daily in flight or fight mode and everything feels unsafe. I've had a little flare up of anxiety myself recently.

seek

I read a tip from Thich Nhat Hanh on FB recently - he said to take your negative emotion and visualize wrapping it up like a baby and cradling it until it is soothed and goes away (which is accepting your negative emotions, not resisting them).

I struggle with not knowing what is going to happen and feeling super responsible and unable to cope at the same time.

irisgardens

seek--thank you for this post, and thank you to all others for responding...very helpful to know that i do the same things...am highly sensitive and empathetic and it can take a toll without boundaries. have been working a lot of boundaries this past year as they had totally eroded with family (the enablers and deniers) and with my active addict daughter. doing better. i keep as busy as possible...and work to not obssess about the 'other'; it can be very hard, and yet it works.

Anaya

Hello, seek. Great thread, great responses!

I will share that daily prayer, reading and contemplating positive writings, working on keeping boundaries I've established, doing exercises to redirect my thoughts, engaging in activities that keep my mind occupied, talking with those close to me, coming to and reading here at SR are ways I cope.

My son moved out over a year ago and that and (over time) working on letting go and focusing on my own recovery has made a difference. Peace in the home, very little drama these days.

I had attended Nar-Anon in years past but could not participate due to hearing impairment, though, think the support given was wonderful.