O/T Dear friends, I need your opinion
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
O/T Dear friends, I need your opinion
We all know that I am not "right in the head" at times. (lol) I value your thoughts and opinions. You have helped me out a lot through so many things. This is not alcohol related.
OK, so mostly for the people who know me, you know I have a drama queen daughter.
So she called me about a month ago and asked me to keep 3 dates in mind. One was for my grandson's birthday, another for a lupus walk, and 3rd to be perfectly honest with you all, I have no freaking idea. I don't listen much when I talk to her, because it just hurts my head. So I ended the call with, I'll think about that and I'll let you know.
So she called back on 4/16, about the birthday party for my grandson. For those here who know me, birthday parties are a big trigger for me, since she had filed an R.O. against me due to one of these. In a shorten version of this,( I didn't want to go because it was in the middle of my divorce and my stbx was going to be there. Then somehow CPS got this phone call about her abusing her children, and she blamed me for it, I didn't do it, they were also ridiculous charges)
So she called me on 4/16, about whether I was coming to birthday party, on the 19th. I did have every intention on going to this. I figured, well ex moved down to North Carolina, she is in New Jersey, so of course I can do this. Must say though, that I also felt some resentment because now that he is far away, now is when I am being invited, but I let that slide. Didn't say anything at all about that to her. Kept my mouth shut.
So, I just had to do it, I asked if "HE" was going to be there. She tells me "Yes". Now I have all these things running through my head. (When I go to her house, I usually stay over. It's about 2 1/2 hour drive there. He now lives about 9 hours away, of course he would be staying over, with his gf.) So I ask her about this. She tells me gf isn't coming, and that he mentioned nothing about staying over. DUH??????????????
I tell her I can't do this because we had just been fighting about our pension division, it's not yet settled, and I just can't do this. That perhaps someday I can, but not right now. I tell her that I would like for her to come and visit me in the summer and that I wanted to take her and my grandchildren to K N O E B E L S amusement park for their birthdays, and I think it would be a good idea to do this for a few years, and that he could go to the parties, and I will celebrate my way.
(separated name of amusement park, so it doesn't show up in search)
So now comes up my son's graduation. It's May 22nd. He is graduating from J o h n s H o p k i n s with a master degree in bioinformatics. I already told my son that I would be there. This is a terrific achievement for him, and it is all his. (Background on this: He had received a full scholarship to college, and he lost it. Don't ever think that being in an abusive relationship does not affect the children, it does, but he pushed through all of that, continued his education, not because I wanted him to, because he wanted to, and he paid for it himself). So I need to be there for him, to celebrate what a terrific person he is and how much he has accomplished.
So, I find out, ex is going to be there also. I did talk to my son also, and told him that I was still going, because I am so proud of him, I just asked if I could sit with his wife and in-laws. He said no problem, and that after the ceremony, we would go out to eat. Well, ok. He'll be there also, but I can do this. It's for him, not me. Besides, we'll be in a restaurant, and I can sit far away from him and gf. I can do this, and I will.
Now daughter is a little pissed at me, why can I do my sons graduation and not grandsons birthday party?
I can't do anything about the birthday party now, because it passed, but, I don't know, she makes me feel so guilty that I can do one thing, but not another, and I guess I am just looking for a reality check.
Thanks for reading
(((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
OK, so mostly for the people who know me, you know I have a drama queen daughter.
So she called me about a month ago and asked me to keep 3 dates in mind. One was for my grandson's birthday, another for a lupus walk, and 3rd to be perfectly honest with you all, I have no freaking idea. I don't listen much when I talk to her, because it just hurts my head. So I ended the call with, I'll think about that and I'll let you know.
So she called back on 4/16, about the birthday party for my grandson. For those here who know me, birthday parties are a big trigger for me, since she had filed an R.O. against me due to one of these. In a shorten version of this,( I didn't want to go because it was in the middle of my divorce and my stbx was going to be there. Then somehow CPS got this phone call about her abusing her children, and she blamed me for it, I didn't do it, they were also ridiculous charges)
So she called me on 4/16, about whether I was coming to birthday party, on the 19th. I did have every intention on going to this. I figured, well ex moved down to North Carolina, she is in New Jersey, so of course I can do this. Must say though, that I also felt some resentment because now that he is far away, now is when I am being invited, but I let that slide. Didn't say anything at all about that to her. Kept my mouth shut.
So, I just had to do it, I asked if "HE" was going to be there. She tells me "Yes". Now I have all these things running through my head. (When I go to her house, I usually stay over. It's about 2 1/2 hour drive there. He now lives about 9 hours away, of course he would be staying over, with his gf.) So I ask her about this. She tells me gf isn't coming, and that he mentioned nothing about staying over. DUH??????????????
I tell her I can't do this because we had just been fighting about our pension division, it's not yet settled, and I just can't do this. That perhaps someday I can, but not right now. I tell her that I would like for her to come and visit me in the summer and that I wanted to take her and my grandchildren to K N O E B E L S amusement park for their birthdays, and I think it would be a good idea to do this for a few years, and that he could go to the parties, and I will celebrate my way.
(separated name of amusement park, so it doesn't show up in search)
So now comes up my son's graduation. It's May 22nd. He is graduating from J o h n s H o p k i n s with a master degree in bioinformatics. I already told my son that I would be there. This is a terrific achievement for him, and it is all his. (Background on this: He had received a full scholarship to college, and he lost it. Don't ever think that being in an abusive relationship does not affect the children, it does, but he pushed through all of that, continued his education, not because I wanted him to, because he wanted to, and he paid for it himself). So I need to be there for him, to celebrate what a terrific person he is and how much he has accomplished.
So, I find out, ex is going to be there also. I did talk to my son also, and told him that I was still going, because I am so proud of him, I just asked if I could sit with his wife and in-laws. He said no problem, and that after the ceremony, we would go out to eat. Well, ok. He'll be there also, but I can do this. It's for him, not me. Besides, we'll be in a restaurant, and I can sit far away from him and gf. I can do this, and I will.
Now daughter is a little pissed at me, why can I do my sons graduation and not grandsons birthday party?
I can't do anything about the birthday party now, because it passed, but, I don't know, she makes me feel so guilty that I can do one thing, but not another, and I guess I am just looking for a reality check.
Thanks for reading
(((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
The choices I make about my life are mine. No matter what the reason. What other people think of me is none of my business. Today I don't give other people the power to make me feel anything.....if I do, I've given permission for this.....
No one makes me feel anything without my permission.
Amy, keep doing what you need to do for self preservation!!!
No one makes me feel anything without my permission.
Amy, keep doing what you need to do for self preservation!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Hi Amy, I don't know you well but I do know you to be consistently kind and compassionate.
Fwiw I think you have the right to choose what events you feel good about attending and those you don't. It's unfortunate your daughter does not like your choices - she also has the right to her opinion - but her displeasure is her problem, not yours.
All you can do is kindly tell her your truth as it seems you have. You reassure her you love her, love your grandson, take them to the amusement park (which sounds like an awesome day, btw) and that's that.
I also have adult children and would be sad if they were upset with me. I understand your hurt and boy do I understand guilt!! But seriously, IMO you did nothing wrong. It is entirely reasonable to want to pass on that uncomfortable situation with your ex. A grandchild's birthday party just isn't as important as your son's graduation, and I say this as someone who loves her little grandkids like crazy. There will be many birthdays but the graduation won't come again.
Try not to stress. You're a good and loving person and your family is lucky to have you in their lives.
Fwiw I think you have the right to choose what events you feel good about attending and those you don't. It's unfortunate your daughter does not like your choices - she also has the right to her opinion - but her displeasure is her problem, not yours.
All you can do is kindly tell her your truth as it seems you have. You reassure her you love her, love your grandson, take them to the amusement park (which sounds like an awesome day, btw) and that's that.
I also have adult children and would be sad if they were upset with me. I understand your hurt and boy do I understand guilt!! But seriously, IMO you did nothing wrong. It is entirely reasonable to want to pass on that uncomfortable situation with your ex. A grandchild's birthday party just isn't as important as your son's graduation, and I say this as someone who loves her little grandkids like crazy. There will be many birthdays but the graduation won't come again.
Try not to stress. You're a good and loving person and your family is lucky to have you in their lives.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You felt differently about the two situations, so you have the right to go to one and not the other. If she's pissy about it, she's pissy about it. Not much you can do about it. You can tell her that it has nothing to do with her, personally, but the one situation felt like something you could do and the other felt uncomfortable. She can accept it or not. All that matters is that YOU accept it.
Hugs, and congrats to your son on his achievement!
Hugs, and congrats to your son on his achievement!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hugs, Amy. There's a world of difference between a public graduation ceremony with a large crowd of others to buffer + a short meal with a small private group and him and a prolonged event in a private setting that basically forces close contact with him.
What a great step to be able to honor your needs and make those decisions!
I'm so sorry your daughter isn't seeing it. I think the alternative you proposed is lovely. What kid wouldn't want 2 celebrations and going to an amusement park?
What a great step to be able to honor your needs and make those decisions!
I'm so sorry your daughter isn't seeing it. I think the alternative you proposed is lovely. What kid wouldn't want 2 celebrations and going to an amusement park?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Just chiming in with the others, Amy. You made the best decisions for yourself and do not owe anyone an explanation. Just, "Yes, thank you, I'd be happy to come" or "No, thank you, but you are so kind to offer and I hope everyone has a great time"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I need to ask, "Am I nuts"? Am I doing something wrong? This has to do with this site. I had posted a response. Took me about 20 mins. I posted it. I saw it there, now it's not. I sent a PM yesterday, site told me I wasn't logged on, thought, how could I read a PM and respond to it if I wasn't logged on?
Was going to repost PM today. Looked today it was there. So now I don't know if I lost my post, or it will miraculously show up.
amy
Was going to repost PM today. Looked today it was there. So now I don't know if I lost my post, or it will miraculously show up.
amy
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Ok, third time trying to respond. This time I'm going to copy it.
Warning, this is a rage !!!!!
Before SR, my response would have been ---- WTF is wrong with you? Why would you think that I would want to go to a birthday party with him there, when it hasn't been done in about 6 years? Do you remember the last one you invited me to? I said no, because he was going to be there. I asked you if you could instead invite him for Easter and let me have the BD party. My mom was coming in from Florida. I wanted to see her, we were in the middle of a divorce, I asked him if I could at least have half of the party. He said no. Then you blamed me for CPS visiting. I didn't do that. You filed a temp RO on me. You filed charges of me harassing you. Judge more or less laughed in your face. So now that he moved to North Carolina, 9 hours away, and you are now asking me to come, but you intentionally forget to tell me that he is also coming, without gf. WTF is wrong with this picture? Where do you think he is going to sleep? I'm also traveling a distance for this. Am I supposed to come over, help you clean, do all the cooking, do all the clean up then drive close to 3 hours back home? Only reason I would say this, is because of the 2 parties I did try to make. I had to leave before he came to it, because he would not agree to half the party, or do it another day. You were fine with all of that, you invited him, and excluded me, that got pissed when my side of the family stopped going to them, because he was there and not me. Then you went around to my cousins trying to "smear me".
"No", I do not want to clean your house, cook for your guest, (esp him), clean up again, just to keep the peace.
Party was only family. Was my daughter,her kids, my other daughter, son and his wife, me, and ex, and son-in-law and his parents.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This is what I wanted to say. Instead I just said, it's not comfortable right now, maybe in the future.
I just went through a 6 month period of him trying to screw me on dividing pensions. My income for the past few months was reduced about 65%. I can't deal with him right now.
Warning, this is a rage !!!!!
Before SR, my response would have been ---- WTF is wrong with you? Why would you think that I would want to go to a birthday party with him there, when it hasn't been done in about 6 years? Do you remember the last one you invited me to? I said no, because he was going to be there. I asked you if you could instead invite him for Easter and let me have the BD party. My mom was coming in from Florida. I wanted to see her, we were in the middle of a divorce, I asked him if I could at least have half of the party. He said no. Then you blamed me for CPS visiting. I didn't do that. You filed a temp RO on me. You filed charges of me harassing you. Judge more or less laughed in your face. So now that he moved to North Carolina, 9 hours away, and you are now asking me to come, but you intentionally forget to tell me that he is also coming, without gf. WTF is wrong with this picture? Where do you think he is going to sleep? I'm also traveling a distance for this. Am I supposed to come over, help you clean, do all the cooking, do all the clean up then drive close to 3 hours back home? Only reason I would say this, is because of the 2 parties I did try to make. I had to leave before he came to it, because he would not agree to half the party, or do it another day. You were fine with all of that, you invited him, and excluded me, that got pissed when my side of the family stopped going to them, because he was there and not me. Then you went around to my cousins trying to "smear me".
"No", I do not want to clean your house, cook for your guest, (esp him), clean up again, just to keep the peace.
Party was only family. Was my daughter,her kids, my other daughter, son and his wife, me, and ex, and son-in-law and his parents.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This is what I wanted to say. Instead I just said, it's not comfortable right now, maybe in the future.
I just went through a 6 month period of him trying to screw me on dividing pensions. My income for the past few months was reduced about 65%. I can't deal with him right now.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
amy, I'm glad you posted all of that. You are NOT nuts, but you wisely realized you would be wasting your breath (at the very best) or starting WW III (at worst) if you had expressed those thoughts to HER.
Good job! Ignore her pouting and feel good about your self-restraint and the fact that you did the right thing for YOU.
Good job! Ignore her pouting and feel good about your self-restraint and the fact that you did the right thing for YOU.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Amy,
You are doing the right thing for you. This has taken a lot of courage and hard work on your part to be able to even get to this point. And good for you for not blowing up at her, although it would have been deserved. It does not matter if she understands your reasons or not! She has shown you that she is going to talk badly about you whether you do anything or don't do anything. And seriously to file a ro against your own mother without getting to the bottom of who actually reported the child abuse? Unfortunately, she is not as in touch with her emotional well being as you. You cannot change her and she cannot change you. She will have to accept it. It is after the fact. Plus this is YOUR son's graduation! Lots of bday parties will happen but only one graduation from j o h n h o p k I n s! Which is amazing, btw! I know you are proud! I also know it will be a tense situation there with your xah. But good for you to see the more important aspect of this, your son. You be proud of your decision and for knowing your triggers! Don't let her or anyone ever make you feel guilty for being true to you!!! It takes a lot of work to be able to finally put your feelings first. Don't let your daughter or anyone take that accomplishment away from you!!!
You are doing the right thing for you. This has taken a lot of courage and hard work on your part to be able to even get to this point. And good for you for not blowing up at her, although it would have been deserved. It does not matter if she understands your reasons or not! She has shown you that she is going to talk badly about you whether you do anything or don't do anything. And seriously to file a ro against your own mother without getting to the bottom of who actually reported the child abuse? Unfortunately, she is not as in touch with her emotional well being as you. You cannot change her and she cannot change you. She will have to accept it. It is after the fact. Plus this is YOUR son's graduation! Lots of bday parties will happen but only one graduation from j o h n h o p k I n s! Which is amazing, btw! I know you are proud! I also know it will be a tense situation there with your xah. But good for you to see the more important aspect of this, your son. You be proud of your decision and for knowing your triggers! Don't let her or anyone ever make you feel guilty for being true to you!!! It takes a lot of work to be able to finally put your feelings first. Don't let your daughter or anyone take that accomplishment away from you!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I tried to stay away from WWIII, but I think it's here anyway, I said "no". I also offered to go to her house on May 21st, day before sons graduation and drive down together, and I would take them out to eat on May 21st. Nothing was going to appease her. I can't do anything about that.
Anyway, if anyone is ever in NE Pa. go to that amusement park. You don't have to pay to get in,, you can take your dog with you, beautiful landscaping, only pay for the rides you go on. Can also go with a group and reserve a pavillion. They don't charge for that either. Can also get all day passes for people who will be going on the rides. Perfect place to take grandchildren.
I do still do the rides though. (lol)
Anyway, if anyone is ever in NE Pa. go to that amusement park. You don't have to pay to get in,, you can take your dog with you, beautiful landscaping, only pay for the rides you go on. Can also go with a group and reserve a pavillion. They don't charge for that either. Can also get all day passes for people who will be going on the rides. Perfect place to take grandchildren.
I do still do the rides though. (lol)
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Amy no you aren't nuts.
The two situations aren't comparable. I am not minimizing that Grandsons BD is important, but its not comparable to your son graduating from JH. That's a one time deal and IMO a much bigger milestone than a birthday. You can sit anywhere in that arena and avoid your Ex and still have the joy of seeing your son. You can choose not to go to the dinner if its uncomfortable.
I disagree that an explanation isn't warranted; however, your daughter seems to only be about herself and I am unsure that it just wouldn't erupt in a fight. She is taking this personally and its not about her at all. You have offered her an amazing (and more fun) alternative.
She seems to enjoy conflict.
The two situations aren't comparable. I am not minimizing that Grandsons BD is important, but its not comparable to your son graduating from JH. That's a one time deal and IMO a much bigger milestone than a birthday. You can sit anywhere in that arena and avoid your Ex and still have the joy of seeing your son. You can choose not to go to the dinner if its uncomfortable.
I disagree that an explanation isn't warranted; however, your daughter seems to only be about herself and I am unsure that it just wouldn't erupt in a fight. She is taking this personally and its not about her at all. You have offered her an amazing (and more fun) alternative.
She seems to enjoy conflict.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I do really want to thank everyone here again. I did want to rage at my daughter when she admitted he would be there, but only after I asked. I read my rage again today, and I'll even admit it was mild compared to what I was thinking then. What I thought about at that time was if I posted this on SR, what would they suggest I do? I knew the advice here would be to not rage at daughter, didn't know if I should or shouldn't go. I just knew I couldn't do this at this point in my life. Just said I don't feel comfortable with this.
Chain phone calls today. My sister called, I told her about the party, she told me I should have gone to show him that he can't intimidate me anymore. I just told her I don't think I have to prove myself to anyone, and I didn't go, because I wouldn't have felt comfortable.
Then apparently sis,, called my mom. I then get a phone call from my mother, about the birthday party. Was preparing for another battle, and how I did things wrong. Mom says to me, you did the right thing. You know daughter is going to be pissed at you for this, and that's ok.
So, again thank you SR. I may not have posted about this while I was going thru it, but I was seeing "my SR family" when I was responding.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
You all mean so much to me. Thank You.
Chain phone calls today. My sister called, I told her about the party, she told me I should have gone to show him that he can't intimidate me anymore. I just told her I don't think I have to prove myself to anyone, and I didn't go, because I wouldn't have felt comfortable.
Then apparently sis,, called my mom. I then get a phone call from my mother, about the birthday party. Was preparing for another battle, and how I did things wrong. Mom says to me, you did the right thing. You know daughter is going to be pissed at you for this, and that's ok.
So, again thank you SR. I may not have posted about this while I was going thru it, but I was seeing "my SR family" when I was responding.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
You all mean so much to me. Thank You.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
There will be more birthdays and other times to celebrate that, such as this summer at the amusement park. Your boy will never again have a graduation from Hopkins....wow...that is amazing!
I personally think you are spot on in what you are doing. Sending you lots of hugs and lots of strength!
I personally think you are spot on in what you are doing. Sending you lots of hugs and lots of strength!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Well done Amy!!! Just catching up with this now but wanted to chime in & let you know that I know how difficult this had to have been for you to deal with. Lots of triggers, lots of resentments to work around. Great job navigating!
I hope you get to truly enjoy your son's graduation & that things stay drama-free! (((((hugs)))))
I hope you get to truly enjoy your son's graduation & that things stay drama-free! (((((hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Amy, good for you, in taking care of yourself. Your feelings matter as much as anyone elses.. they need to get used to that fact.
I am glad you stayed strong, and true to yourself! There will be times to see your grandson, and other plans could be made to see him, but your son's big day is a once in a lifetime event, and wow, what an achievement!
focus on what makes you happy, and enjoy this special time.
hugs to you!!!
I am glad you stayed strong, and true to yourself! There will be times to see your grandson, and other plans could be made to see him, but your son's big day is a once in a lifetime event, and wow, what an achievement!
focus on what makes you happy, and enjoy this special time.
hugs to you!!!
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