Newbie with possibly/probably alcoholic sister
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Seattle
Posts: 7
Newbie with possibly/probably alcoholic sister
So, I'm not sure if my kid sister is truly an alcoholic or if she just Drinks Too Much.
I do know that I'm doing a lot to try to help her, not least because if I weren't doing this stuff my 85-yo mom would be, and that it's wearing me to bits.
A(?)S got a DUI with a 2.0% blood alcohol level. In telling about it, she's described all sorts of things that the arresting officer and everyone else involved did "wrong;" but has never said anything about what she might have done differently that night.
Her license has been suspended, and my mom and I have been chauffeuring her to & from work for the last two weeks (the alternative is 2-1/2 hours on three busses each way, or 13 miles by bike on hilly city streets in Seattle weather). Mom drives here there because I have health problems that are much worse in the morning, and I pick her up & take her home because otherwise my mom would do it.
I know this is enabling in that it's not forcing her to face the full consequences of her DUI, but I really think that her losing her job would not help her recovery. (And there's the classic familial dysfunction dynamic where my mom manipulates me into doing stuff to keep her from doing it herself).
What amazes me are the things that don't feel especially angry about, and the things that send me right up the wall.
I'm not really angry that she's been drinking a bottle or two of wine a day, that she's in all sorts of trouble at work for problems (mostly chronic lateness & absenteeism) that are probably directly related to her drinking, and that she got a DUI. Sad and frustrated and at a hopeless loss, but not angry.
But - unless I'm deluding myself about her being a full-blown alcoholic - I can't comprehend how it is that she hasn't stopped drinking.
I'm not angry about having to give up so much of my time and energy to ferry her home from work every day - it's one hell of an imposition and I don't like it, but I'm not angry about it.
And I don't mind stopping by the store on the way to her place so that she can get some food and stuff, but I was nearly livid the other night when I saw that her two-bags-worth of groceries included five bottles of wine.
And I truly hate that she stinks up my car with alcohol-induced body odor that smells like a weeks-old dead mouse decaying away in my passenger seat.
I do know that I'm doing a lot to try to help her, not least because if I weren't doing this stuff my 85-yo mom would be, and that it's wearing me to bits.
A(?)S got a DUI with a 2.0% blood alcohol level. In telling about it, she's described all sorts of things that the arresting officer and everyone else involved did "wrong;" but has never said anything about what she might have done differently that night.
Her license has been suspended, and my mom and I have been chauffeuring her to & from work for the last two weeks (the alternative is 2-1/2 hours on three busses each way, or 13 miles by bike on hilly city streets in Seattle weather). Mom drives here there because I have health problems that are much worse in the morning, and I pick her up & take her home because otherwise my mom would do it.
I know this is enabling in that it's not forcing her to face the full consequences of her DUI, but I really think that her losing her job would not help her recovery. (And there's the classic familial dysfunction dynamic where my mom manipulates me into doing stuff to keep her from doing it herself).
What amazes me are the things that don't feel especially angry about, and the things that send me right up the wall.
I'm not really angry that she's been drinking a bottle or two of wine a day, that she's in all sorts of trouble at work for problems (mostly chronic lateness & absenteeism) that are probably directly related to her drinking, and that she got a DUI. Sad and frustrated and at a hopeless loss, but not angry.
But - unless I'm deluding myself about her being a full-blown alcoholic - I can't comprehend how it is that she hasn't stopped drinking.
I'm not angry about having to give up so much of my time and energy to ferry her home from work every day - it's one hell of an imposition and I don't like it, but I'm not angry about it.
And I don't mind stopping by the store on the way to her place so that she can get some food and stuff, but I was nearly livid the other night when I saw that her two-bags-worth of groceries included five bottles of wine.
And I truly hate that she stinks up my car with alcohol-induced body odor that smells like a weeks-old dead mouse decaying away in my passenger seat.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Seattle
Posts: 7
I know these problems are tiny compared to what most of you are up against - wrecked housing, financial ruin, ugly scenes with your morning breakfast cereal, all the long-term consequences of life with a long-term alcoholic.
I feel for you guys, and I am so afraid that I will wind up in that same place with you. (Not that you're not all lovely people who I'm sure would be excellent company, but I'd rather get to know you on other terms.) I feel like I'm teetering at the top of a long slick ugly slope, and I don't want to go down it. AS is sliding that direction, and I don't know when or how to let go of her so as not to be taken with her. I don't even know if I can.
I feel for you guys, and I am so afraid that I will wind up in that same place with you. (Not that you're not all lovely people who I'm sure would be excellent company, but I'd rather get to know you on other terms.) I feel like I'm teetering at the top of a long slick ugly slope, and I don't want to go down it. AS is sliding that direction, and I don't know when or how to let go of her so as not to be taken with her. I don't even know if I can.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
She's already sliding. You have two choices, let go or be dragged.
I'd strongly suggest you and your mom quit chauffeuring her around and get yourselves to Al-Anon. Your driving her around isn't doing her any favors. As you mentioned, she's in trouble at work anyway. The more you and mom are willing to "help" her, the longer it is before she realizes what a mess her life has become. You're keeping her from seeing that. With the best of intentions, but intentions don't matter in terms of the ultimate effect of allowing her to experience the consequences of her behavior.
I'd strongly suggest you and your mom quit chauffeuring her around and get yourselves to Al-Anon. Your driving her around isn't doing her any favors. As you mentioned, she's in trouble at work anyway. The more you and mom are willing to "help" her, the longer it is before she realizes what a mess her life has become. You're keeping her from seeing that. With the best of intentions, but intentions don't matter in terms of the ultimate effect of allowing her to experience the consequences of her behavior.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Welcome!
Hi TheMiddleSister,
Wow, the boards are very slow today, I'm shocked nobody has gotten a reply to you before this!
We feel your pain, and we KNOW that every situation with substance abuse is highly painful to the folks around the abuser/addict. So we do not consider your situation any "less" than some of the more dramatic descriptions you may have read on this board!
We know your confusion, frustration, and pain are just as real and upsetting.
Are you familiar with Al-Anon? This is a free support group for friends and family who have been negatively affected by someone's drinking.
Please feel welcome and read around and post as much as you would like. More will be along after me!
We welcome you!
CLMI
Wow, the boards are very slow today, I'm shocked nobody has gotten a reply to you before this!
We feel your pain, and we KNOW that every situation with substance abuse is highly painful to the folks around the abuser/addict. So we do not consider your situation any "less" than some of the more dramatic descriptions you may have read on this board!
We know your confusion, frustration, and pain are just as real and upsetting.
Are you familiar with Al-Anon? This is a free support group for friends and family who have been negatively affected by someone's drinking.
Please feel welcome and read around and post as much as you would like. More will be along after me!
We welcome you!
CLMI
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Welcome!!.... although we're always sorry new members have a reason to join us here.
I agree with you that it sounds like she's on a bad path, even if it's not really up to us to determine whether or not she "qualifies" as an alcoholic. Many of the things you shared in your post are huge red flags & we can make some educated guesses that she definitely has a problem regardless of any actual diagnosis.
One point that I disagree slightly about is that letting her lose her job is not good for her recovery. I feel that as a grown woman capable of making decisions for her own life, losing her job is her prerogative. I personally feel like letting a person deal with the natural consequences of their own actions is giving them the dignity to live their own lives, regardless of whether I agree with their decisions or not. She made the decision to drink & drive, she can figure out an alternate way to work on her own too, ya know?
There is a saying that floats around here about "letting them fall" which is a shorter way of saying, let them reach their own bottom, in their own way, & stop trying to catch them. Here's a link to a post that explains it all much better:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-fall.html
Aside from that YOU need support & education about addiction & alcoholism if you're impacted by another person's drinking like this. SR is an amazing resource, but you may also get a lot out of joining a support group or seeing a counselor that specializes in addictions. I know it seems backward to think that we need help when we aren't the one "with the problem" but there's a reason they call alcoholism a "family disease" & there are some great resources available to help you navigate through it all.
I agree with you that it sounds like she's on a bad path, even if it's not really up to us to determine whether or not she "qualifies" as an alcoholic. Many of the things you shared in your post are huge red flags & we can make some educated guesses that she definitely has a problem regardless of any actual diagnosis.
One point that I disagree slightly about is that letting her lose her job is not good for her recovery. I feel that as a grown woman capable of making decisions for her own life, losing her job is her prerogative. I personally feel like letting a person deal with the natural consequences of their own actions is giving them the dignity to live their own lives, regardless of whether I agree with their decisions or not. She made the decision to drink & drive, she can figure out an alternate way to work on her own too, ya know?
There is a saying that floats around here about "letting them fall" which is a shorter way of saying, let them reach their own bottom, in their own way, & stop trying to catch them. Here's a link to a post that explains it all much better:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-fall.html
Aside from that YOU need support & education about addiction & alcoholism if you're impacted by another person's drinking like this. SR is an amazing resource, but you may also get a lot out of joining a support group or seeing a counselor that specializes in addictions. I know it seems backward to think that we need help when we aren't the one "with the problem" but there's a reason they call alcoholism a "family disease" & there are some great resources available to help you navigate through it all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
I agree with Lexi - she is sliding and there is nothing you can do to stop her.
I would suggest to educate yourself as much as you can. Alanon can be a lifer saver for you and your mother. If your mother refuses then it can still help you not only with the problems you face with your sister but also your mother.
Keep sharing and keep coming back!
P.S. I would also suggest you read Codependent No More.
I would suggest to educate yourself as much as you can. Alanon can be a lifer saver for you and your mother. If your mother refuses then it can still help you not only with the problems you face with your sister but also your mother.
Keep sharing and keep coming back!
P.S. I would also suggest you read Codependent No More.
Last edited by knowthetriggers; 04-24-2015 at 10:10 AM. Reason: add a line
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 50
Hi!
I am a middle sister too. My younger brother is an addict. The entire family has enabled him his entire life and now he's in his 40's and totally unable to function as an adult. He lives with my mother and is supported by my mother. She says he is clean. I highly doubt it.
I think it is as much our fault he is in the place he is in, as his. And every year this goes on, the harder it is going to be for him to take responsibility for himself.
I know how hard it is to let someone you love face the consequences of their behavior, but try to put your uncomfortability with it aside, and do it because it is the healthiest thing for your sister. Loving someone does not always mean cushioning their fall. The desire to do that is as much about your needs as hers.
My mom won't stop enabling--she just can't. There's a chance your mom might not either. All you can control is yourself. Trying to save an alcoholic (or an addict) from themself is totally futile and completely devastating.
I'm very sorry you are going through this.
I am a middle sister too. My younger brother is an addict. The entire family has enabled him his entire life and now he's in his 40's and totally unable to function as an adult. He lives with my mother and is supported by my mother. She says he is clean. I highly doubt it.
I think it is as much our fault he is in the place he is in, as his. And every year this goes on, the harder it is going to be for him to take responsibility for himself.
I know how hard it is to let someone you love face the consequences of their behavior, but try to put your uncomfortability with it aside, and do it because it is the healthiest thing for your sister. Loving someone does not always mean cushioning their fall. The desire to do that is as much about your needs as hers.
My mom won't stop enabling--she just can't. There's a chance your mom might not either. All you can control is yourself. Trying to save an alcoholic (or an addict) from themself is totally futile and completely devastating.
I'm very sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: MN
Posts: 49
Have a sister who drank everyday for 30 years. Lost EVEYTHING! Her home, her car, her boyfriends, and finally, her grown children. Has been in re-hab 5-6 times? Never successful, drank the day she was released. Had no where to go after leaving last re-hab, called my elderly parents and lived there with them for 2 1/2 years. In the basement, like a hermit, really didn't mix with the family much, certainly didn't do much work around the house! The anger that the sober siblings felt was/is so uncomfortable, co-dependant parents, not aware of the consequences of her continued drinking. They found her jobs, bought her a car, and when her health took a nosedive, they took care of her,changing her ostomy bag and buying her liquor and cigarettes while she was not working. "She's doing sooo good, she hasn't had a drink in weeks" Wrong, found out that she was hitting the bars hard after work, the lies she told parents and herself just ridiculous. Mom diagnosed with terminal cancer 6 months ago, DS PROMISED to go to re-hab again. She did, a week before my mom passed. So far, she is still at sober house, its been 1 month today since I brought her to detox. Will she make it this time? Don't know, but I know that without the help of my therapist and this site, I would have gone nuts dealing with all that. Hope you learn about bounderies, about the 3 C's, and that the people here are wise. You need to read the posts here and educate yourself about alcoholism. Take care of yourself!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Seattle
Posts: 7
Thanks so much for all your replies and especially your support. GTG soon to put on my Codependent Chauffeur's cap and pick up AS, and will write a more detailed post later, but one question in the meantime:
Is it totally delusional for me to think that once AS's driver's license suspension is revoked, she will have mended her ways and not get into this kind of deep sh-, er, stuff again?
(She's going to all kinds of (court-ordered) education & counseling which should help, right? (...right?? (....right???)))
But - she still hasn't stopped drinking.
Is it totally delusional for me to think that once AS's driver's license suspension is revoked, she will have mended her ways and not get into this kind of deep sh-, er, stuff again?
(She's going to all kinds of (court-ordered) education & counseling which should help, right? (...right?? (....right???)))
But - she still hasn't stopped drinking.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I wouldn't count on any of that. Some people continue to spiral and have second, third, fourth, fifth DUIs (the subsequent ones usually also including driving while suspended).
She's still drinking, and you can educate a drunk until the cows come home, but until they are READY to stop, they won't.
She's still drinking, and you can educate a drunk until the cows come home, but until they are READY to stop, they won't.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: MN
Posts: 49
This is going to sound so mean, but in the worst of my sister's drinking, sober sibs and I began calling the sheriff every time my sister left the house. She always had a jumbo-sized drink in her lap. If she didn't kill herself, she would have hurt or killed someone who was innocent. Also, I thought that if she was arrested, she would have had mandatory court ordered treatment. I never did feel bad about doing that.
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