Leky

I can safely say I've never felt as bad as I do now. I'm 27 and feel like a small child due to my mother's 'possible' return to drinking.

Story goes she drank for 15 years until around 8-10 years ago when due to near death she was forced to stop. She had anorexia and was diagnosed diabetic at this time. The time after that was nothing short of fantastic. I felt I was reliving the childhood I had ruined due to her drinking, this I'm sure is the reason I'm still at home. My dad is here too and my brother has recently moved out. We are quite a close family although I know my mum has issues underneath which never go away, nor has the feeling one day it might all start again. Well....I'm not sure if what my dad told me a couple of days ago is that point. He found two minature bottle of Vodka she'd stashed and at first she didnt admit it until he produced the evidence. When I found out I had to ask her about it and this is why I feel so down. She doesnt remember things like I do. She says she used to drink one and a half cans of the strongest lager you can buy but I remember it much more like 6-8 cans plus mixing vodka in with it. She never saw the damage she did. She never appreciated my dad for sticking by her. She blames him for 'lying' to the doctor's when he was simply telling them the truth about how much she drank. During this chat i told her what it was like which she just doesnt see. She also told me she wants to have a couple of glasses of wine. My dad had never stopped her from having one glass but now she's basically decided that isnt enough. My dad has just gone to Ireland yesterday for a week and I feel like I cant trust her alone in the house. Tonight at tea we had a glass of wine and she asked if I minded her having another. I said 'its up to you' but tears me apart. I know where this could lead and this week i'm on my own. If I say dont have that glass of wine she got a free reign during the day when I'm at work to do as she pleases. I havent left the house today for fear of her getting the urge. I simply dont know what to do.

I think, its only a glass or two. Its only one slip in 8 years (that we know of) but its her admission to wanting more and not seeing the harm it does to me inparticular. I'm not sure where wanting more will lead her, how can we trust her? I cant cope, I'm crying. She doesnt know I'm upset now. I've told her how it makes me feel but it doesnt matter because she doesnt see the harm she does.

Do I let her get on with it? I cant monitor her all the time, I have to leave the house. Am I worrying too much?

I'm already wishing my dad was here because he will try to keep hold of it. It upsets me seeing him have to cope with it more than it does seeing the harm she could do to herself. My loyalty lies much with my dad for always being there for me (christ I'm crying again now). I'm concious she might take advantage of me because he isnt here. She even issued a threat that beacuse I dont trust her she would leave. I feel like saying 'fine f*ck off' because its the same line she used when I was younger. i thought the older I got the less I would care but I love my dad and that what hurts me.

We cant live with the threat, I feel I cant leave home and leave my dad to cope alone. If I was sure he could deal with and not care if she fully went back to drink I'd probably feel a lot better.

My feelings range from 'I hope its blip I we can get on with things again like the last 8 years' to 'I hope with her diabetes she'd get it over and die and leave us all to live our lives'.

What can I do???? I'm very sad. Because she has been relatively dry for so long she really cant take it either. After the two minature bottles of Vodka the other night she was drunk, hence my dad sensing she'd had something. This is the first time we've picked up on it and I'm hoping this was the first time and she was caught out because she cant take even a small amount.

Can someone help me with er diabetes aswell. What effect does this have? She has always been unstable interms of her blood sugar is up and down. Will this limit what she can drink if she went back onto booze?

I'm know no one has a miracle cure. My Dad is great, my girlfriend has experienced mental health problems with ther mum so she understands. My brother takes himself away from it much easier than me. I never used to tell anyone about it when i was younger but now I dont care.

The simple fact is she wants us to trust her as anyone else with drink. She's blocked from her mind what it was like before and myself, my dad and brother will never trust her? Shes know this and uses it against us.

Thank You in advance for even reading this. I'm feeling alone and just typing this has helped.

If anyone else is going through this you have my every sympathy and i hope you find happiness.

Gabe

Hey Leky,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Alcoholism is a disease, just like diabetes.
I know of this.
I am the ex of an alcoholic who also has diabetes.
You can't control your mother's drinking anymore than you can control her blood sugar levels.
Oh, did I mention I'm also the daughter of an alcoholic mother?
I know what it's like to face the prospect of your mother drinking again and feel like a small child reliving your childhood nightmares.
You can't control what she does in terms of her drinking.
It's just not possible.
Now is the time to get some help for you.
I'm glad you found us.
Have you thought about going to Alanon meetings?
That is a good way to meet people who understand what you're going through.
Stick around, there are a lot of people here who understand and will offer you support and encouragement.
Gabe

Leky

You mention control. I know I cant control it but thats essentially what we've done for 8-10 years. Obviously in this time she hasnt felt the need to go back onto booze but I cling onto the hope with the combination of me and my dad we can monitor her and create an environment where she cant get away with it. The problem being that this restraint is now irritating her as she feels she can be trusted to have a couple (which we dont).

I feel if I were to simply look after myself that would open the flood gates which would lead to me basically disowning her. I can live with hating her and not caring for her but I cant live with the fact my dad would have to pick up the pieces. My brother takes this attitiude where he would blow his top and say 'well I'm having nothing to do with her' which simply leaves me and my dad to cope. If I do that my dad, who has his own share of health problems, will be on his own.