Being friends with my recently out of jail ex?
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Being friends with my recently out of jail ex?
So I haven’t been here in a long while, some of you may remember me but it's been a while.
Those of you with a good memory may recall that about 3 years ago I posted here about my XABF getting arrested/struggles with drugs. Anyways, if you don’t, long story short, I dated a guy who was/is an addict that has spent the better part of the last fifteen years behind bars. He was arrested and sentenced to 3 years shortly after I first posted here about that and just recently finished his sentence.
We grew up together and just sort of fell into a serious relationship after always being friends with benefits. I never meant for it to be anything more, knowing his history, but feelings and such progressed and things just sort of developed into something serious. Anyway **** fell apart when he started using again, and that eventually lead to his arrest
We talked off and on while he was in jail, and I dated guys here and there but no one seriously. I don’t consider myself to be in love with him anymore but I (rather stupidly) met up with him for coffee today and it has brought up a lot of feelings for me. He is a completely different person when he’s sober, and today he was the guy I fell in love with. We are both very clear about the fact that too much has happened for us to be together and he is very serious about maintaining his sobriety and following his sponsor’s advice not to be with anyone for at least a year…
Now the smart logical part of me is saying I need to get away from this train wreck now and we need to go our separate ways BC that is what is best for both of us. But another part of me really misses or friendship and sees nothing wrong with continuing that…yet although both of us know we can’t be together…feelings remain for each of us….and that is just a recipe for disaster.
I guess what I am asking is, is it okay/possible to be friends with an ex? Or is it something that should just be avoided all together but I am just trying to justify because god knows why ?
Those of you with a good memory may recall that about 3 years ago I posted here about my XABF getting arrested/struggles with drugs. Anyways, if you don’t, long story short, I dated a guy who was/is an addict that has spent the better part of the last fifteen years behind bars. He was arrested and sentenced to 3 years shortly after I first posted here about that and just recently finished his sentence.
We grew up together and just sort of fell into a serious relationship after always being friends with benefits. I never meant for it to be anything more, knowing his history, but feelings and such progressed and things just sort of developed into something serious. Anyway **** fell apart when he started using again, and that eventually lead to his arrest
We talked off and on while he was in jail, and I dated guys here and there but no one seriously. I don’t consider myself to be in love with him anymore but I (rather stupidly) met up with him for coffee today and it has brought up a lot of feelings for me. He is a completely different person when he’s sober, and today he was the guy I fell in love with. We are both very clear about the fact that too much has happened for us to be together and he is very serious about maintaining his sobriety and following his sponsor’s advice not to be with anyone for at least a year…
Now the smart logical part of me is saying I need to get away from this train wreck now and we need to go our separate ways BC that is what is best for both of us. But another part of me really misses or friendship and sees nothing wrong with continuing that…yet although both of us know we can’t be together…feelings remain for each of us….and that is just a recipe for disaster.
I guess what I am asking is, is it okay/possible to be friends with an ex? Or is it something that should just be avoided all together but I am just trying to justify because god knows why ?
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I am good friend with a couple of my exes one of whom I talk to on a regular basis. The thing is that we separated amiably and he is not an alcoholic or an addict so I am don't have to worry about going on the crazy train and he really has no "crisis" or "drama" of his own making going on
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Have you ever seen Jurassic Park? I'm sure most people have. I mention it because your post reminds me of a conversation with my sponsor today.My AH is getting out of prison in August and we were talking about boundaries. She was telling me I need extremely strong boundaries, and that I need to maintain them with constant vigilance. To do that will take an immense amount of power.
That's where the movie came in. I mentioned like electrified 10,000 volt fences around my heart and expectations like the fences around Jurassic Park. She then reminded me what happened when the power went out...
I won't say stay away or don't maintain a friendship... But check your motives. Are you hoping that when a year passes by and he is still in recovery you can get back together? What if he gets a new girlfriend? Think long and hard.
That's where the movie came in. I mentioned like electrified 10,000 volt fences around my heart and expectations like the fences around Jurassic Park. She then reminded me what happened when the power went out...
I won't say stay away or don't maintain a friendship... But check your motives. Are you hoping that when a year passes by and he is still in recovery you can get back together? What if he gets a new girlfriend? Think long and hard.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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It's good to see you FF.
I think you should listen to the smart logical part...I really do.
I remember what listening to your heart got you.
Some good advice here already
D
Now the smart logical part of me is saying I need to get away from this train wreck now and we need to go our separate ways BC that is what is best for both of us. But another part of me really misses or friendship and sees nothing wrong with continuing that…yet although both of us know we can’t be together…feelings remain for each of us….and that is just a recipe for disaster.
I remember what listening to your heart got you.
Some good advice here already
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
My first husband has that effect on me. It's funny-I have basically cut him out of my life (he doesn't use drugs-he uses people) because he is toxic for me. He is manipulative, arrogant and just in general a jack wagon. Occasionally he will email me and try and suck me back in to his drama. I can ignore him-put his address to go right to my junk box, etc. Today I can do that. It took me 10 years! We had been divorced for forever but he knew he could get to me up until about 10 years ago. He and I now email about once a year-he tries for more and I put him back on ignore.
Funny how I can do that for that drug-but it's taken giving up everything for me to kick the chemical drugs. Can I call my DOC by my ex's name and just put it on block? /tangent.
Funny how I can do that for that drug-but it's taken giving up everything for me to kick the chemical drugs. Can I call my DOC by my ex's name and just put it on block? /tangent.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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I guess what I am asking is, is it okay/possible to be friends with an ex? Or is it something that should just be avoided all together but I am just trying to justify because god knows why ?
We can't make that decision for you. You have to determine what is best for you, but you have to be mindful that what is best for you may not be what you want...
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I guess what I am asking is, is it okay/possible to be friends with an ex? Or is it something that should just be avoided all together but I am just trying to justify because god knows why ?
The generic question you pose above is irrelevant....it's not about whether or not one CAN climb Mt Everest barefoot, but can YOU do so?
you already said the moment you saw him you knew you still had feelings for him....you are still all tangled up with him. even after a THREE YEAR BREAK while he was in prison. he's a long term convicted felon who has more experience living behind bars than outside of them. he has a long way to go before he is re-socialized, re-employed, re-acquainted with LIFE on the outside. and he has an exceedingly high likelihood of re-offending. if he IS to become a responsible productive member of society he has a LOT of work ahead of him....and that should be his full time job. and i don't think ex-gfs hanging around still having FEELINGS is really in anybody's best interest.
The generic question you pose above is irrelevant....it's not about whether or not one CAN climb Mt Everest barefoot, but can YOU do so?
you already said the moment you saw him you knew you still had feelings for him....you are still all tangled up with him. even after a THREE YEAR BREAK while he was in prison. he's a long term convicted felon who has more experience living behind bars than outside of them. he has a long way to go before he is re-socialized, re-employed, re-acquainted with LIFE on the outside. and he has an exceedingly high likelihood of re-offending. if he IS to become a responsible productive member of society he has a LOT of work ahead of him....and that should be his full time job. and i don't think ex-gfs hanging around still having FEELINGS is really in anybody's best interest.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
I guess what I am asking is, is it okay/possible to be friends with an ex? Or is it something that should just be avoided all together but I am just trying to justify because god knows why ?
The generic question you pose above is irrelevant....it's not about whether or not one CAN climb Mt Everest barefoot, but can YOU do so?
you already said the moment you saw him you knew you still had feelings for him....you are still all tangled up with him. even after a THREE YEAR BREAK while he was in prison. he's a long term convicted felon who has more experience living behind bars than outside of them. he has a long way to go before he is re-socialized, re-employed, re-acquainted with LIFE on the outside. and he has an exceedingly high likelihood of re-offending. if he IS to become a responsible productive member of society he has a LOT of work ahead of him....and that should be his full time job. and i don't think ex-gfs hanging around still having FEELINGS is really in anybody's best interest.
The generic question you pose above is irrelevant....it's not about whether or not one CAN climb Mt Everest barefoot, but can YOU do so?
you already said the moment you saw him you knew you still had feelings for him....you are still all tangled up with him. even after a THREE YEAR BREAK while he was in prison. he's a long term convicted felon who has more experience living behind bars than outside of them. he has a long way to go before he is re-socialized, re-employed, re-acquainted with LIFE on the outside. and he has an exceedingly high likelihood of re-offending. if he IS to become a responsible productive member of society he has a LOT of work ahead of him....and that should be his full time job. and i don't think ex-gfs hanging around still having FEELINGS is really in anybody's best interest.
I suppose that's when I started to feel things again. I think it's mostly just because it's something familiar and comfortable. To be completely honest he's one of the few people I grew up with whose still alive/around. Most have died of overdoses (particularity recently, we are having serious issues where I live) or are spending a lot longer than 3 years in jail. Others have simply cut those from their past out of their lives in an attempt to move onto better things, in which case good for them.
And I am not in anyway saying you're wrong. I think you're telling me what I need to hear I just felt the need to clarify that I wasn't the one like reachcing out to him or whatever. I want him to have the best chance of recovery he can. But you are correct in thinking there is a very likely chance he will re offend. And that's a big part of the reason why I don't even entertain the possibility of us getting back togther.
The most important reason however is that us being together would mean giving up my own family, who have already made it clear that if he's a part of my life,they no longer will be. After everything I've put them through and all they've done for me, I think they've proven themselves as the ones who are there for me over a dude whose spent most of his life in jail
The thing is at the end of the day he isn't a bad person. Yet those of you who implied that this doesn't matter are correct...it's not about if we can be...it's about the fact that it's probably better of that we aren't.
Thank you all for confirming what I already know, I didn't come here looking for people to tell me what I wanted to hear and you didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, I just wish I was better at listening to myself
And I am really sorry if I come off as a total b**** in this post. I haven't really slept much in the past few days and I am stressed about other stuff so I am a bit short tempered.
But I truly appreciate you all taking the time to respond to this post.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
I have people in my life I love very much Fenway...but we're just not good for each other....to use a cliche, we bring out the worst in each other.
Thats how I remember your relationship with this guy and the toll it took on you.
You're free to disagree with my memory of events, and you're free to think that maybe things might have changed, but I remember a lot of threads, y'know?
look after yourself
D
Thats how I remember your relationship with this guy and the toll it took on you.
You're free to disagree with my memory of events, and you're free to think that maybe things might have changed, but I remember a lot of threads, y'know?
look after yourself
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
So I made the really stupid decision to hook up with him last night. Stupid because I know it was an undeniably horrible choice yet at the same time, it doesn't change how I feel about him. I feel the same way now as I did before we had sex although having sex with him reminded me of how good it feels to connect with someone.
My friend who I was taking to about this today says when I talk about my EXABF, it sounds like I am talking abut a drug. And he's absolutely right. He gives me instant gratification (not just sexually, that's the last of it) but emotionally.
Something about being around him makes me feel good & happy & carefree except it's really a fake sense of being care free, especially now because I know we can't be together and that hurts. And I wasn't prepared for how much it was going to hurt, for how much I was going to care. I've been doing well, haven't had even the slights emotional investment in anyone in the 3 years since he's been in jail & maybe that should have been my first clue but...
And even tho I've always said and I even think, believed that I would never in a million years take him back, I am starting to realize it's total ********. That I do want to be with him again but I CAN'T be. We both hurt each other in a lot of ways, we talked frequently for the first few months he was in jail then **** fell apart in my own life and I just completely cut him out of mine, and it was easy because he was in prison and we couldn't talk and I couldn't see him and didn't have to think about him but then... well he got out and I saw him and my feelings surprised me.
He's been keeping his distance, especially emotionally, probably on purpose. Probably smart of him, especially because I am not in a good place with my own sobriety but...he's in a great place with his from what I've seen. This guy he is now, clean, sober, hopeful...this is the guy I fell in love with. He wasn't this guy when he went into jail and when he was using but now he's back to who he used to be.
I'm the one who texted him and said straight up that I wanted to have sex and I mean really he may be trying to keep his distance to a certain extent but are you really going to say "hey no I'm all set" when you've been in prison for 3 years and someone offers that...I mean, maybe that's the mature choice but, whatever. Just saying, I'm the one who made this happen.
And being with him, in any way, makes me feel really really good. It makes me HAPPY. and I know what the consequences could be--are likely to be. And I know how stupid I am feeling and that this is childish and idiotic and I'm being myself up emotionally for being so effing stupid but I can't help how I feel. And I know a part of being an adult is knowing when something is bad for you and walking away and no matter how I try and twist it, this really just isn't a good idea. It's just...I don't know how it can be this way after 3 years.
Most of the time I can be in a room full of people or even in a room full of friends and could not feel more alone, With him tho...there is just something real between us. And maybe it's all in my head, I don't know but I've tried to find this with other guys, with other girls, with other people, but...
I made an appt with my therapist, my logical thinking about this is giving me all the right answers but until I figure out what's wrong with me mentally/emotionally I don't think much will change. Knowing the right thing doesn't mean I'll do the right thing. Not as long as the gratification I get from being with him is more rewarding than that negative consequences that result from that brief instant gratification.
My friend who I was taking to about this today says when I talk about my EXABF, it sounds like I am talking abut a drug. And he's absolutely right. He gives me instant gratification (not just sexually, that's the last of it) but emotionally.
Something about being around him makes me feel good & happy & carefree except it's really a fake sense of being care free, especially now because I know we can't be together and that hurts. And I wasn't prepared for how much it was going to hurt, for how much I was going to care. I've been doing well, haven't had even the slights emotional investment in anyone in the 3 years since he's been in jail & maybe that should have been my first clue but...
And even tho I've always said and I even think, believed that I would never in a million years take him back, I am starting to realize it's total ********. That I do want to be with him again but I CAN'T be. We both hurt each other in a lot of ways, we talked frequently for the first few months he was in jail then **** fell apart in my own life and I just completely cut him out of mine, and it was easy because he was in prison and we couldn't talk and I couldn't see him and didn't have to think about him but then... well he got out and I saw him and my feelings surprised me.
He's been keeping his distance, especially emotionally, probably on purpose. Probably smart of him, especially because I am not in a good place with my own sobriety but...he's in a great place with his from what I've seen. This guy he is now, clean, sober, hopeful...this is the guy I fell in love with. He wasn't this guy when he went into jail and when he was using but now he's back to who he used to be.
I'm the one who texted him and said straight up that I wanted to have sex and I mean really he may be trying to keep his distance to a certain extent but are you really going to say "hey no I'm all set" when you've been in prison for 3 years and someone offers that...I mean, maybe that's the mature choice but, whatever. Just saying, I'm the one who made this happen.
And being with him, in any way, makes me feel really really good. It makes me HAPPY. and I know what the consequences could be--are likely to be. And I know how stupid I am feeling and that this is childish and idiotic and I'm being myself up emotionally for being so effing stupid but I can't help how I feel. And I know a part of being an adult is knowing when something is bad for you and walking away and no matter how I try and twist it, this really just isn't a good idea. It's just...I don't know how it can be this way after 3 years.
Most of the time I can be in a room full of people or even in a room full of friends and could not feel more alone, With him tho...there is just something real between us. And maybe it's all in my head, I don't know but I've tried to find this with other guys, with other girls, with other people, but...
I made an appt with my therapist, my logical thinking about this is giving me all the right answers but until I figure out what's wrong with me mentally/emotionally I don't think much will change. Knowing the right thing doesn't mean I'll do the right thing. Not as long as the gratification I get from being with him is more rewarding than that negative consequences that result from that brief instant gratification.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful
So I made the really stupid decision to hook up with him last night. Stupid because I know it was an undeniably horrible choice yet at the same time, it doesn't change how I feel about him. I feel the same way now as I did before we had sex although having sex with him reminded me of how good it feels to connect with someone.
My friend who I was taking to about this today says when I talk about my EXABF, it sounds like I am talking abut a drug. And he's absolutely right. He gives me instant gratification (not just sexually, that's the last of it) but emotionally.
Something about being around him makes me feel good & happy & carefree except it's really a fake sense of being care free, especially now because I know we can't be together and that hurts. And I wasn't prepared for how much it was going to hurt, for how much I was going to care. I've been doing well, haven't had even the slights emotional investment in anyone in the 3 years since he's been in jail & maybe that should have been my first clue but...
And even tho I've always said and I even think, believed that I would never in a million years take him back, I am starting to realize it's total ********. That I do want to be with him again but I CAN'T be. We both hurt each other in a lot of ways, we talked frequently for the first few months he was in jail then **** fell apart in my own life and I just completely cut him out of mine, and it was easy because he was in prison and we couldn't talk and I couldn't see him and didn't have to think about him but then... well he got out and I saw him and my feelings surprised me.
He's been keeping his distance, especially emotionally, probably on purpose. Probably smart of him, especially because I am not in a good place with my own sobriety but...he's in a great place with his from what I've seen. This guy he is now, clean, sober, hopeful...this is the guy I fell in love with. He wasn't this guy when he went into jail and when he was using but now he's back to who he used to be.
I'm the one who texted him and said straight up that I wanted to have sex and I mean really he may be trying to keep his distance to a certain extent but are you really going to say "hey no I'm all set" when you've been in prison for 3 years and someone offers that...I mean, maybe that's the mature choice but, whatever. Just saying, I'm the one who made this happen.
And being with him, in any way, makes me feel really really good. It makes me HAPPY. and I know what the consequences could be--are likely to be. And I know how stupid I am feeling and that this is childish and idiotic and I'm being myself up emotionally for being so effing stupid but I can't help how I feel. And I know a part of being an adult is knowing when something is bad for you and walking away and no matter how I try and twist it, this really just isn't a good idea. It's just...I don't know how it can be this way after 3 years.
Most of the time I can be in a room full of people or even in a room full of friends and could not feel more alone, With him tho...there is just something real between us. And maybe it's all in my head, I don't know but I've tried to find this with other guys, with other girls, with other people, but...
I made an appt with my therapist, my logical thinking about this is giving me all the right answers but until I figure out what's wrong with me mentally/emotionally I don't think much will change. Knowing the right thing doesn't mean I'll do the right thing. Not as long as the gratification I get from being with him is more rewarding than that negative consequences that result from that brief instant gratification.
My friend who I was taking to about this today says when I talk about my EXABF, it sounds like I am talking abut a drug. And he's absolutely right. He gives me instant gratification (not just sexually, that's the last of it) but emotionally.
Something about being around him makes me feel good & happy & carefree except it's really a fake sense of being care free, especially now because I know we can't be together and that hurts. And I wasn't prepared for how much it was going to hurt, for how much I was going to care. I've been doing well, haven't had even the slights emotional investment in anyone in the 3 years since he's been in jail & maybe that should have been my first clue but...
And even tho I've always said and I even think, believed that I would never in a million years take him back, I am starting to realize it's total ********. That I do want to be with him again but I CAN'T be. We both hurt each other in a lot of ways, we talked frequently for the first few months he was in jail then **** fell apart in my own life and I just completely cut him out of mine, and it was easy because he was in prison and we couldn't talk and I couldn't see him and didn't have to think about him but then... well he got out and I saw him and my feelings surprised me.
He's been keeping his distance, especially emotionally, probably on purpose. Probably smart of him, especially because I am not in a good place with my own sobriety but...he's in a great place with his from what I've seen. This guy he is now, clean, sober, hopeful...this is the guy I fell in love with. He wasn't this guy when he went into jail and when he was using but now he's back to who he used to be.
I'm the one who texted him and said straight up that I wanted to have sex and I mean really he may be trying to keep his distance to a certain extent but are you really going to say "hey no I'm all set" when you've been in prison for 3 years and someone offers that...I mean, maybe that's the mature choice but, whatever. Just saying, I'm the one who made this happen.
And being with him, in any way, makes me feel really really good. It makes me HAPPY. and I know what the consequences could be--are likely to be. And I know how stupid I am feeling and that this is childish and idiotic and I'm being myself up emotionally for being so effing stupid but I can't help how I feel. And I know a part of being an adult is knowing when something is bad for you and walking away and no matter how I try and twist it, this really just isn't a good idea. It's just...I don't know how it can be this way after 3 years.
Most of the time I can be in a room full of people or even in a room full of friends and could not feel more alone, With him tho...there is just something real between us. And maybe it's all in my head, I don't know but I've tried to find this with other guys, with other girls, with other people, but...
I made an appt with my therapist, my logical thinking about this is giving me all the right answers but until I figure out what's wrong with me mentally/emotionally I don't think much will change. Knowing the right thing doesn't mean I'll do the right thing. Not as long as the gratification I get from being with him is more rewarding than that negative consequences that result from that brief instant gratification.
There is no point beating yourself up about it.
I think you have your eyes open now. You are just not ready to put it down yet.
There is this thing about stages of change... and how there comes a point where we know what we are doing, we know it's bad for us and we still do it...
When you have had enough pain you will make a new choice.
At least that is how it was for me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
until I figure out what's wrong with me mentally/emotionally I don't think much will change.
The more right healthy choices I made, the more I changed into someone who wanted good healthy choices.
I think you have the same problem we all have on the addict side of the board - you want to fill the void or the emptiness inside you.
I could never fill my void - not with drugs, booze sex or people.
I've done pretty well with healing it tho, which leads me back to those good healthy choices.
they made me feel better about myself, and gave me clarity about what I deserved.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by Dee74
I disagree actually FF. I changed my behaviour and then found out what was wrong with me
The more right healthy choices I made, the more I changed into someone who wanted good healthy choices.
I think you have the same problem we all have on the addict side of the board - you want to fill the void or the emptiness inside you.
I could never fill my void - not with drugs, booze sex or people.
I've done pretty well with healing it tho, which leads me back to those good healthy choices.
they made me feel better about myself, and gave me clarity about what I deserved.
D
The more right healthy choices I made, the more I changed into someone who wanted good healthy choices.
I think you have the same problem we all have on the addict side of the board - you want to fill the void or the emptiness inside you.
I could never fill my void - not with drugs, booze sex or people.
I've done pretty well with healing it tho, which leads me back to those good healthy choices.
they made me feel better about myself, and gave me clarity about what I deserved.
D
It feels good :-)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
You are not coming off as a total b**** at all.
Believe you me.......we understand.
All we are here on SR is anticollision beacons. Those silly little red lights
on top of buildings, mountains,antennas, etc. .........so the planes don't run into them.
We are not the Captain of your life.....you are. We know from experience that if you are near enough to the terrain to need AC beacons-----things are not in any way optimal. But at the end of the day all an AC beacon is......is a light bulb with a red lens over it.
It cannot navigate for you, it cannot put fuel in your tanks........all it can do is pinpoint something nasty and hard that it would NOT be fun to meet up with.
I remember your posts well. Always well composed and honest. You will
receive nothing from this poster except respect, empathy, and understanding of a very difficult and treacherous road.
Believe you me.......we understand.
All we are here on SR is anticollision beacons. Those silly little red lights
on top of buildings, mountains,antennas, etc. .........so the planes don't run into them.
We are not the Captain of your life.....you are. We know from experience that if you are near enough to the terrain to need AC beacons-----things are not in any way optimal. But at the end of the day all an AC beacon is......is a light bulb with a red lens over it.
It cannot navigate for you, it cannot put fuel in your tanks........all it can do is pinpoint something nasty and hard that it would NOT be fun to meet up with.
I remember your posts well. Always well composed and honest. You will
receive nothing from this poster except respect, empathy, and understanding of a very difficult and treacherous road.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Originally Posted by Dee74
I disagree actually FF. I changed my behaviour and then found out what was wrong with me
The more right healthy choices I made, the more I changed into someone who wanted good healthy choices.
I think you have the same problem we all have on the addict side of the board - you want to fill the void or the emptiness inside you.
I could never fill my void - not with drugs, booze sex or people.
I've done pretty well with healing it tho, which leads me back to those good healthy choices.
they made me feel better about myself, and gave me clarity about what I deserved.
D
The more right healthy choices I made, the more I changed into someone who wanted good healthy choices.
I think you have the same problem we all have on the addict side of the board - you want to fill the void or the emptiness inside you.
I could never fill my void - not with drugs, booze sex or people.
I've done pretty well with healing it tho, which leads me back to those good healthy choices.
they made me feel better about myself, and gave me clarity about what I deserved.
D
As soon as he got out of jail it sent me into a downward spiral. Yet another bad choice to add to the string of bad choices I've been making lately.
I'm in the middle of a pretty major depressive episode, whether that's sparked my my EXABF or my increase in drinking, probably kinda a domino effect or like...meh it's lots of things... it doesn't really matter what.
The void/emptiness you are absolutely right. It's been that way for my entire life and I've tried to fill it with various things before i found drugs/alcohol and none of it has ever worked.
I think the problem is I haven't really worked on myself much since he went to jail, which is evident by the fact that I'm still making the same sorts of choices as I was in the middle of my addiction.
In terms of my EXABFI am romanticizing things with him like I can already feel myself thinking that he's changed, which who knows? Like being clean/sober is different from staying clean/sober and he has a long road ahead of him, and i know that better than anyone.
And I keep thinking like things could be amazing with him if he stays clean/sober but like seriously even IF he does, like, I mean after EVERYTHING that isn't even a healthy relationship to strive for and thats completely ignoring the fact that it would completely mess up everything that I've managed to rebuild with my family after putting them through hell with my own addiction/being with him. Plus he has had an undeniable significantly negative impact on my own sobriety which was shaky at best in the first place so it's just bad all around,
Just he has this hold over me and right now it's hurting more than it's helping, and the thought of him being with another girl really bothers me which is a problem. I mean there are just countless reasons this is going to end horribly.
He did provide me with a "fix", really is like picking up the drug again after being clean. Has totally sent my co-depdenceny into a tailspin.
Like I've been wicked stressed at school, beyond stressed and burnt out, but typically I am the kind of person who thrives during busy times. This semester has been especially difficult (really bad winter here didn't help) But I can't deny I think a big part of the issue I've been having the last few weeks is him getting out.
Like already this is effecting my life negatively, and like it could be other things too but I think he (or my feelings for him) is a much bigger catalyst than I am allowing myself to see.
Sorry I got off topic and rambling and while I think Dee hit the nail on the head with my EXABF being a way to fill this void, I still can't figure out why his release has effected me so deeply and like send me into a put of hopelessness, despair and depression? I mean like I said there's other factors too but like it just seems cray to me. We barely talked for 2 years and I moved on with my life but like he's out and like I'm regressing back to where I was 2-3 years ago?
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful
You are as usual, absolutely right. All of you, but this post in particular.
As soon as he got out of jail it sent me into a downward spiral. Yet another bad choice to add to the string of bad choices I've been making lately.
I'm in the middle of a pretty major depressive episode, whether that's sparked my my EXABF or my increase in drinking, probably kinda a domino effect or like...meh it's lots of things... it doesn't really matter what.
The void/emptiness you are absolutely right. It's been that way for my entire life and I've tried to fill it with various things before i found drugs/alcohol and none of it has ever worked.
I think the problem is I haven't really worked on myself much since he went to jail, which is evident by the fact that I'm still making the same sorts of choices as I was in the middle of my addiction.
In terms of my EXABFI am romanticizing things with him like I can already feel myself thinking that he's changed, which who knows? Like being clean/sober is different from staying clean/sober and he has a long road ahead of him, and i know that better than anyone.
And I keep thinking like things could be amazing with him if he stays clean/sober but like seriously even IF he does, like, I mean after EVERYTHING that isn't even a healthy relationship to strive for and thats completely ignoring the fact that it would completely mess up everything that I've managed to rebuild with my family after putting them through hell with my own addiction/being with him. Plus he has had an undeniable significantly negative impact on my own sobriety which was shaky at best in the first place so it's just bad all around,
Just he has this hold over me and right now it's hurting more than it's helping, and the thought of him being with another girl really bothers me which is a problem. I mean there are just countless reasons this is going to end horribly.
He did provide me with a "fix", really is like picking up the drug again after being clean. Has totally sent my co-depdenceny into a tailspin.
Like I've been wicked stressed at school, beyond stressed and burnt out, but typically I am the kind of person who thrives during busy times. This semester has been especially difficult (really bad winter here didn't help) But I can't deny I think a big part of the issue I've been having the last few weeks is him getting out.
Like already this is effecting my life negatively, and like it could be other things too but I think he (or my feelings for him) is a much bigger catalyst than I am allowing myself to see.
Sorry I got off topic and rambling and while I think Dee hit the nail on the head with my EXABF being a way to fill this void, I still can't figure out why his release has effected me so deeply and like send me into a put of hopelessness, despair and depression? I mean like I said there's other factors too but like it just seems cray to me. We barely talked for 2 years and I moved on with my life but like he's out and like I'm regressing back to where I was 2-3 years ago?
As soon as he got out of jail it sent me into a downward spiral. Yet another bad choice to add to the string of bad choices I've been making lately.
I'm in the middle of a pretty major depressive episode, whether that's sparked my my EXABF or my increase in drinking, probably kinda a domino effect or like...meh it's lots of things... it doesn't really matter what.
The void/emptiness you are absolutely right. It's been that way for my entire life and I've tried to fill it with various things before i found drugs/alcohol and none of it has ever worked.
I think the problem is I haven't really worked on myself much since he went to jail, which is evident by the fact that I'm still making the same sorts of choices as I was in the middle of my addiction.
In terms of my EXABFI am romanticizing things with him like I can already feel myself thinking that he's changed, which who knows? Like being clean/sober is different from staying clean/sober and he has a long road ahead of him, and i know that better than anyone.
And I keep thinking like things could be amazing with him if he stays clean/sober but like seriously even IF he does, like, I mean after EVERYTHING that isn't even a healthy relationship to strive for and thats completely ignoring the fact that it would completely mess up everything that I've managed to rebuild with my family after putting them through hell with my own addiction/being with him. Plus he has had an undeniable significantly negative impact on my own sobriety which was shaky at best in the first place so it's just bad all around,
Just he has this hold over me and right now it's hurting more than it's helping, and the thought of him being with another girl really bothers me which is a problem. I mean there are just countless reasons this is going to end horribly.
He did provide me with a "fix", really is like picking up the drug again after being clean. Has totally sent my co-depdenceny into a tailspin.
Like I've been wicked stressed at school, beyond stressed and burnt out, but typically I am the kind of person who thrives during busy times. This semester has been especially difficult (really bad winter here didn't help) But I can't deny I think a big part of the issue I've been having the last few weeks is him getting out.
Like already this is effecting my life negatively, and like it could be other things too but I think he (or my feelings for him) is a much bigger catalyst than I am allowing myself to see.
Sorry I got off topic and rambling and while I think Dee hit the nail on the head with my EXABF being a way to fill this void, I still can't figure out why his release has effected me so deeply and like send me into a put of hopelessness, despair and depression? I mean like I said there's other factors too but like it just seems cray to me. We barely talked for 2 years and I moved on with my life but like he's out and like I'm regressing back to where I was 2-3 years ago?
I would like to share something.
It sounds to me like you are someone who needs a lot of 'drama' in your life. Someone said that to me too recently. However, she said, you can have that drama in an amazing, exciting and healthy way!
It sounds like you cannot live a 'normal' life that most people would live, at least that is how it is for me. I have to create and live an extraordinary life with a lot of good drama in it.
Anything less is incredibly boring.
For me personally I have to be challenging myself, all the time.
I have my own business which it gives me a challenge and a buzz to build, I travel a lot.
Right now my challenge is getting my finances sorted.
If you said to me I have to not travel and get a 'real' job (which is what my XAH's mum basically said to me) I would likely fall into a depression. That is not my life.
The point of all this, is that some of us need a lot of stimulation. However there are better ways to get it in my opinion.
Now, the void - Yes' I've had that all my life, and still get it now.
Yes my husband filled it, and I became dependent / codepenent with him.
It's not always easy to fill the void, especially in the quieter moments of my life, however doing the things above I mentioned help.
I think that once I am travelling again (I am leaving for 10 days next week) perhaps I will not notice the void so much. With time and no contact it gets much less.
I believe I can fill it with stuff we LOVE that isn't him or drugs. And I will let you know in a few weeks.
What do you LOVE doing. What is like good drama to you?
What would you do in your life if there were no limits (that doesn't involve him, drink or drugs)?
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