Back again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
Back again
It's been awhile. So here I am back hoping for some support for my SR friends. Things have been very bad for me over the last months. I was getting more and more depressed since Feb and I was incapable of taking care of myself. All I could see was the wreckage of my past, negativity, a hopeless future. I *knew* I was too broken in my codependence to ever be fixed. I was defective and the world was a horrible place filled with liars. I was constantly angry and in soul crushing pain and couldn't stand another day. So on Saturday the 13 th I overdosed on my klonopin and washed it down with 3/4 of a bottle of Moscato. Thankfully RAH figured out what I did pretty quickly and took me to the ER.
I was transferred to a different hospital and I am so grateful. I got the best care there that I have ever gotten and my medication was finally sorted out. RAH has been so different this time. Instead of wallowing and bemoaning how difficult this was on him, he was involved in my care. He spoke with the social worker every day. He pushed me to make decisions for myself that I didn't think I could make for myself. He called me out on my negative self talk. He was caring and supportive but never enabling. He is starting to earn my trust back for sure.
I am now in IOP for people with problems with depression and anxiety and so far it has been good. I am still struggling with negative self talk and catastrophizing but that's just a thought pattern I have to learn to stop. I have a lot of work to do and I am seriously terrified. I was never terrified to leave the hospital before, but it is a good thing I think. I was allowed to stay until I was really ready and just like I have heard some A'a talk about how scared to leave rehab, I was afraid to leave the safety of the hospital. They kept me for 8 days which is almost unheard of anymore. So yeah that's where I am right now.
I was transferred to a different hospital and I am so grateful. I got the best care there that I have ever gotten and my medication was finally sorted out. RAH has been so different this time. Instead of wallowing and bemoaning how difficult this was on him, he was involved in my care. He spoke with the social worker every day. He pushed me to make decisions for myself that I didn't think I could make for myself. He called me out on my negative self talk. He was caring and supportive but never enabling. He is starting to earn my trust back for sure.
I am now in IOP for people with problems with depression and anxiety and so far it has been good. I am still struggling with negative self talk and catastrophizing but that's just a thought pattern I have to learn to stop. I have a lot of work to do and I am seriously terrified. I was never terrified to leave the hospital before, but it is a good thing I think. I was allowed to stay until I was really ready and just like I have heard some A'a talk about how scared to leave rehab, I was afraid to leave the safety of the hospital. They kept me for 8 days which is almost unheard of anymore. So yeah that's where I am right now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Well welcome back! Good to have you back on the forum. Sorry to hear of your recent events but it does sound like you have found some solid support.
I am glad your RAH is involved, you will need lots of love and support.
Stay well and tight, tight hugs to you!!
I am glad your RAH is involved, you will need lots of love and support.
Stay well and tight, tight hugs to you!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
I'm sorry for what you're going through, glad you are getting the help you so desperately needed, and very proud of your RAH that he stepped up to the plate. Some of us "A's" DO get better and learn how to cope with life on life's terms. In many ways your struggle is as great if not greater than any alcoholic in recovery. I wish you peace and strength in your journey ahead.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
I'm extremely happy to hear that you're safe and getting help! I will keep you in my prayers. Every ounce of work you do for yourself, no matter how hard, is worth it. YOU are worth it! Keep at it. You can do this. 
Hugs to you!
Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Thanks for checking in TerpGal and glad you know this is a safe place to share. I, too, suffer from depression and remember a BAD crash back in 2002 that took me to a similar place. I so hope they do get your meds figured out and its really good to hear how your H is stepping up. You've got a lot of support from us at SR, too. We are rooting for you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by honeypig 
Wishing you strength and clarity, Terpgal--I'm so glad you're getting the help you need.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I teared up reading this post, as I have a kid who's in a similar spot right now. I'm so happy you got the help you needed, but it's infuriating that it had to get that bad before you got help. 
You sound strong and balanced and I hope things continue on that path. Big hugs to you.
You sound strong and balanced and I hope things continue on that path. Big hugs to you.
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