IloveRRR

My husband drank a few shots of vodka last night. I think he has been doing this for the last few days- hiding it- which drives me CRAZY (the deceipt) but I tried not to let it get me down. Today he went to work, to his new job he's had for 4 weeks and QUIT. He says he didnt like the job and he is overqualified (both are true- the job has not turned out to be what the company promised) BUT- I am LIVID that he just up and quit. He is now home drinking. Of course he is. He wanted to come home and drink and that over powered any desire he had to work. We cannot live the way we do now on just my income, not am I am supporting someone who refuses to get help and keeps waiting for it to "go away" or to figure out some way to "have a few drinks at night" (FYI: A "few drinks" is not swigging from a hidden bottle of vodka in the closet!). So now I am at work, scared of paying bills etc. I see the only way I will have peace is to find my own place with rent and bills I can afford on my own so I dont have to depend on someone who cannot be dependable. Im so sad. I know its not my fault and there is nothing I can do- but I dont know how I am supposed to act like this doesnt effect MY life too because it does. I know I dont want to enable him, I know yelling wont work, yet MAN AM I ANGRY. Sorry- just needed to let it out.

dandylion

IloveRRR.....who said that you are supposed to act like this doesn't affect your life, also???????????????

dandylion

IloveRRR

It seems that if I act like it effects my life I am being co-dependent. I dont know- maybe I am. But sitting here at work knowing he is drunk, not getting paid and I will have to go home to him passed out is stressing me.

firebolt

I'm so sorry - it's so painful!

This is exactly true, and it is very very sad. FWIW, mine has a job and pays his part of the bills...it is still defeating and painful. (((HUGS)))

atalose

I think you may have that backwards………..acting like it DOES NOT affect your life, pretending everything is alright, not showing anger for his choice to drink instead of responsibilities is codependency.

You have every right to be angry you have every right to set some strong boundaries NOW today.

If him quitting his job to sit home and drink is unacceptable to you then you must voice that then have a boundary in place that you will stick with.

Something like – This household cannot survive on my salary alone. You chose to quit your job and put our household at risk of financial failure. You must get a job and have income coming in by X____date otherwise you are no longer welcome here.

fluffyflea

No that is not being co- dependent...

It's being honest and to thine own self be true.

You have to take care of you and taking care of you is not being co-dependent.

CarmenLove

Not at all surprising! I think it would stress most people out.

IloveRRR

I guess I have alot of things BACKWARDS! I know I have been given advice that I am not supposed to "beat him up" over relapsing. I am supposed to just say "Tomorrow is another day for him and have myself a nice evening." type of thing. So I beleived that if I get upset or angry it is me being co-dependent. Apparently not, and it's good to know that there is nothing wrong with ME being angry over an irrisponsible act (which floors me as he pays all the bills, etc. I am the one that just spends without tracking every penny - but he balances the check book to the penny and sits and pays all the bills each month and stresses if even one bill is a day late...so it's not like he is an irrisponsible man in general- JUST when it comes to alcohol!) I feel BAD saying this but the SELFISHNESS of his disease makes me MAD. It seems awfully convenient to me that he drank last night and SUDDENLY he has to up and quit his job and is home drinking. I told him weeks ago that if this job was not a good fit for him that he can look for another and I would be happy to help him in that search. He is the one that said to me "I'm going to give this job some time...I've never quit a job in my life without giving notice". I guess as I write this I see the difference between being mad he drank (thats not what is enraging me) and being irrisponsible. (sp?) I have a RIGHT to be mad that my husband made a choice that dirrectly effects my life and how I can live it. I'm married to him for better or worse but I dont have to share finances with him if he is going to put me in financial jeopardy.

dandylion

IloveRRR.....who...Who....WHO has given you that advice!!??

dandylion

happycampers

I think that women who hold onto that belief which was probably just passed on from their upbringing of married , for better or worst, is a crook of BS , especially when the reason is self-induced suffering that someone else is inflicting on you ! That might have been true years ago when most women didn't work outside the house , but now days, many women are financially independent because they work, so they have earned the right NOT to put up with crap that will more than likely continue for YEARS !

AliWProk

Let me put it to you this way - my great-grandmother was granted a divorce in 1910 - because of her husband's alcoholism. That was reason enough back then to dissolve a marriage. Even the church granted her an annulment!

No one in their right mind ever said "stay with someone who/in a situation that makes you miserable." You have every right to feel angry. You have every right to tell him that you're angry. And you can always catch up on what codepedency is in the stickies above.

I wish you peace.

AnvilheadII

you just married this guy - he's SHOWN you since you met that he has problems with alcohol and that at every opportunity returns to drinking as his go to solution. you may love him, you may think he's AMAZING and all that, but you may have made a misguided choice in marrying him......you are already thinking about moving out, or renting a room, i don't think that is a very good sign. he has now made a very poor career/financial choice in favor of drinking. he's SHOWING YOU so clearly who he is and what your life is going to be like........

maybear

Hi, just wanted to say that I am in a similar situation and can relate. I have been bearing way too much of the responsibility in my marriage (financially, emotionally). We say for better or for worse but that implies that there are far more "betters" and not a life full of "for worse".- I read that in the book that everyone recommends here called Co Dependency No More.

Of course you are angry and sick of living that way. You don't enter into marriage thinking that it will be so one sided. I tried to encourage my husband to find a job, stay sober etc but at the end of the day, it was all just too much for him and he hasn't been able to.

So I asked him to leave and now I am moving away. I haven't shut the door on him completely but I am now looking after myself and even though I'm scared and sad - it feels good to know I am making better choices.

IloveRRR

My husband is amazing.. Probably 90% of the time. Then enter alcohol and the other 10% is a bitch! I don't believe in giving up on someone who is great until he drinks....If this is a disease (and I've never been convinced it nessessarily is) why would I leave? "Oh u have cancer? Oh forget it...I'm dumping u".... If we believe it is a disease would we do that to someone who has cancer? Ugh...so confusing. All that being said Ive reached a decision. He has until may 1st ( rent!) To get a job and begin WORKING some kind of program. After that....if he has done nothing....me, and the rent money I earned for May are out

IloveRRR

My husband is amazing.. Probably 90% of the time. Then enter alcohol and the other 10% is a bitch! I don't believe in giving up on someone who is great until he drinks....If this is a disease (and I've never been convinced it nessessarily is) why would I leave? "Oh u have cancer? Oh forget it...I'm dumping u".... If we believe it is a disease would we do that to someone who has cancer? Ugh...so confusing. All that being said Ive reached a decision. He has until may 1st ( rent!) To get a job and begin WORKING some kind of program. After that....if he has done nothing....me, and the rent money I earned for May are out

happycampers

Are you truly ready to back up that boundary ?

IloveRRR

You are so right....thank u.

IloveRRR

Yes I am. I have been through bad bad bad times and I broke free from an abusive cheating alcoholic 10 years ago. My current husband is FAR from a cheater, not physically abusive, etc....I love sober him and sober him will be welcome in my life. Drunk him will not.

SparkleKitty

I have a friend who will live with cancer for the rest of her life. She doesn't go to the store to buy more cancer.

Comparing alcoholism and cancer is not really fair to anyone.

happycampers

Well, you'll soon find out which one he loves first -the drug or you ! So, since you've been through all this crap already once, I'm sure you're ready for the possible lies and sneaky behaviour that will probably show up. I wish you luck. We're always here if you need to talk