daydreamer0217

I was just wondering, we do a lot of talk about all the bad stuff because I know most of us are trying to get through the days. But I was wondering... have any of you had the A apologize and really mean it, did any of them make amends towards you. Were you able to forgive and have some sort of normal with them again?

Thanks all just wondering

happybeingme

While I am the A and did not do a step 12 program I have apologized and made my amends in my way. We are still together and very happy. But, we were married for years before I became an alcoholic, we have children together, and for most of our marriage we have been best friends and have a deep respect for each other as individuals.

daydreamer0217

thanks for the response, HBM, good to read.

Duckygirl1

Thus far, no, no, no and no. That said, I'm at the point that it doesn't matter. I had people in my life before him and will have people after. They will be good, healthy , honest people. So the thought of having some type of "normal" is neither here nor there for me. His apologies would mean nothing. His actions have let me know who and what he is. He is forgiven. It makes no sense to hold on to bitterness and anger at this point as it only hurts me.

horsegirl

Good Morning, I too , still have thoughts of reconciliation with my xabf. I am working to let that go. There is a plan for my life, a greater power has control. I pray to accept today as is and let the future belong to my higher power. If you want a reconciliation, I hope that it happens for you. I hope for you that you can have peace while waiting. Much love, its a B waiting...

brightdaysahead

To answer your question, yes. My husband has apologized, and I truly believe he means it. According to him, it took the hurt look in my face to stop him cold. He is close to four months sober. It took me a few weeks, but I did forgive and let go of the resentment and anger. I got to a better place and started to work towards "normal" again.

It didn't last long though. Life's more complicated than that. I moved on with alcoholism, but other issues surfaced in the meantime. So, back to more forgiveness, letting go of anger and resentment and eventually finding that "normal". It will take time. No quick fixes.

daydreamer0217

no reconciliation here, that is not what i meant.

SparkleKitty

I have not received that from either of my qualifiers (my mother and my XABF), but I'm not looking for it anymore.

firebolt

I have not from ABF, but my boss has over a year sober in AA, and she is getting there. HAHA, it's like she's trying to warn me she's going to step 9 me one day, which is fair...I currently am not ready to talk to her about past hurts from her drinking yet.

knowthetriggers

Hello Daydreamer - Yes, I have had my AH apologize for the way things "turned out". It was a different apology, hard to explain here but I will try. Before THIS apology there were, what I call, empty apologies. The apologies that were guilt ridden, etc.

Before he moved to give us a much needed break he did apologize and it was, IDK, different. Heartfelt and sincere. I could tell the difference, honestly, I could. I knew he meant what he said.

We are still together and we have somehow managed to overcome the damage we were both guilty of. We have both taken steps backward and we have both tried to support one another. I must say we are a work in progress. It is not a honeymoon I assure you but we are in a good place right now. Can or will it happen again? Sure thing - I am not naive.

I can say that it takes BOTH parties to be willing to make it work. No, it is not easy but I have never meet a couple who did not have their struggles. I am also not trying to play down abuse, etc.

I should add that everyone has a different situation. This is my own experience.

atalose

The first apology seemed real and honest so I forgave him and we ended up back together. The second apology (relapse) wiped out the first, made it all meaningless as he did all of the same behaviors all over again. I was not trusting anymore but rather accepting that he was who he was and he was not the one for me.

I often wonder, can we truly forgive if we can’t forget.

I’m in a place where forgiving them is not as important as me forgiving myself.

Refiner

I think when they truly are "just" addicts with no other PD attached, this is very possible (the apologies and they mean it). It's the ones that have other issues as well (narcississm, borderlines, selfishness, self-centeredness, etc. etc.) is where you usually won't get one. Or if you do, they're really just going through the motions.

daydreamer0217

thanks all, I am not expecting for one I do not want to get back together. It is a ? i was just wondering about, even if you did not stay together. I was just curious as to if they ever apologize? A friend and I were talking about it. And it made me want to ask you guys. I appreciate all the answers.

brightdaysahead

I think one can forgive and yet not forget. It's a process, and it takes time. But, it's well worth the effort. For me, when I have forgiven, I finally let go and have peace within me.

atalose

I have a lot of forgiveness in my heart for many even thought I have not forgotten.

But my codependency stirs back to old passive aggressive thoughts and behaviors and even though I have forgiven someone and moved on it does at times rear its ugly head. I may bring up wrongs from years ago to use against someone today while angry at them. That’s what I was referring to when I said can we truly forgive if we can’t forget.

A work in progress!!!

hopeful4

The only I'm sorry I ever got was when he was completely wasted, so I don't count that. I don't need or expect it either.

Sunsun

Because I have chosen to walk away in the full understanding that my xabf is beyond reach/help/reason and obsessed with booze and himself I expect nothing. Actually I hope to never hear from him again. It's like he is a complete stranger, his disease has progressed and his behaviour is beyond my comprehension. An alien being.

I know he is incapable of the introspection, maturity and empathy necessary for a genuine apology. Because he is like a stranger, I feel little, so there is nothing to forgive. Not my circus....

What I will not forget are the lessons I have learnt...those are etched in my brain for future reference!

DMC

I got a apology and a deliberate Step 9 about 3 years after the divorce was final. I was still paying alimony but needed to let him know that the COBRA company was going to change. So I called his mother's house and he answered.

It was pretty awkward considering I'd been no contact other than the phone mediation for the divorce for several additional years. Still, he was in a better place, had 7 months of sobriety and was working a program.

He asked about the things in our lives (was our elderly German Shepard still alive? No. Was I seeing anyone? Um, yes. At which point he announced that he was going to throw up (his standard anxiety "answer") and I reminded him that we'd been divorced for THREE YEARS.

Ultimately, he came around to admitting that he'd gotten a DWI, lost his license, and been to a prolonged "camp" type rehab. And he was sorry for ruining everything.

And I forgave him. And I said it out loud, that he wasn't a bad person, and he had a sucky disease and that ultimately, he was a good person. And bade him farewell.

It would be the last time I spoke to him, and he died about 18 months later.

So yes, I did get Step 9 amends, but it wasn't until several years later, and practically by accident. But i wouldn't expect it.

LeeJane

I apologised to my husband for my appalling behaviour when I was drinking. More important, I felt, was to make daily living amends by behaving well and never slipping back to my dreadful drunk behaviour.

My husband appears to have forgiven me. I am sober about 4 years now.

AliWProk

Nope, but he's not recovered, so there's still hope. But I'm not expecting it, nor waiting for it. I just hope that when the time comes, he can forgive himself.