no major changes???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Oceanside, NY
Posts: 20
no major changes???
My wife has decided she wants a divorce as we close in on our 10th aniversary. She is the adult child of an alcholic and we've both smoked pot since chidhood. She quit last year. I soon followed but relapsed. Our marraige was slipping away. We almost seperated last winter. We were reconciling when I relapsed. Within 2 months she gave up on me. i've been a NA poster boy since. She has been going to a few alanon meetings.
Does alanon promote " no major changes in the 1sr year as does NA. I am very concerned that she is lookinh for support in her decision to bail out on marraige and is not working the steps. She is angry and has shut down completely with regard to reconcileing. I am looseing hope for us. I am trying to love her regardless of her moving to attic and hireing a lawyer. IT IS VERY HARD.
Please send any advise you can.
Does alanon promote " no major changes in the 1sr year as does NA. I am very concerned that she is lookinh for support in her decision to bail out on marraige and is not working the steps. She is angry and has shut down completely with regard to reconcileing. I am looseing hope for us. I am trying to love her regardless of her moving to attic and hireing a lawyer. IT IS VERY HARD.
Please send any advise you can.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((DON))))-
I am so sorry you are facing a divorce. I think the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your recovery. Get out more. Take responsibility for your life. Detach from your wife. Let her have some space. If you and she can possibly get back together space will help I promise.....Are you legally separated?
I am so sorry you are facing a divorce. I think the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your recovery. Get out more. Take responsibility for your life. Detach from your wife. Let her have some space. If you and she can possibly get back together space will help I promise.....Are you legally separated?
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
Hi Don. I see why your posts are so against my marriage splitting up. I'm truly sorry for your situation. I don't think you should go by what AA or Alanon says exactly... I think it is only a guideline to follow because everyone is different.
I agree with Splendra that you will have to give her some space. Your advice to me was to work on my own recovery and I think that is good advice to follow. You can't control your wife but you can control your reactions to her. Your actions, and remember, I don't know what they are, may be driving her further away. It's hard to forgive and forget when you've been disappointed many times. There is always the fear of future relapses.
Anyway, good luck and keep posting. I think we'll both find help here.
I agree with Splendra that you will have to give her some space. Your advice to me was to work on my own recovery and I think that is good advice to follow. You can't control your wife but you can control your reactions to her. Your actions, and remember, I don't know what they are, may be driving her further away. It's hard to forgive and forget when you've been disappointed many times. There is always the fear of future relapses.
Anyway, good luck and keep posting. I think we'll both find help here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Oceanside, NY
Posts: 20
share house
She moved to attic. We have 5 and 7 year olds. I am unable to talk about anytrhing but bills and kids. She will not do anything togeather as a family besides sunday morn mass. I had to retain lawyer 2 weeks ago. I'm hopeing she canges her mind befor aniversary in Oct. If not by then I will most likely be done myself. It is too painfull to love her. I try to love her as Christ loves the church... as told to bt the Corinthians...but I am human, a man and failable. When I let go it will be for good I'm affarid. The paradox is only by detaching from her will she be able to consider what she's lost/thrown away.
I'm sure its so with many of divorces - that once set in motion it is virtually impossible to recover from regardless of second thoughts. Pride fear and ego replace Love, faith and trust. Only my kids give me the strength to endure now. If not for them I most likely would have closed the door.
What about alanon and not makeing major decisions in 1st year.....
I'm sure its so with many of divorces - that once set in motion it is virtually impossible to recover from regardless of second thoughts. Pride fear and ego replace Love, faith and trust. Only my kids give me the strength to endure now. If not for them I most likely would have closed the door.
What about alanon and not makeing major decisions in 1st year.....
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Donald Hi...
Just my thought, but AA sponsors used to say "Do not make any changes or decisions for a year" after getting into AA. I feel it was so people would have time to do their 4th and 5th steps. However I am not sure about the other programs.
Donald you are so broken hearted, and I know and everyone knows how painfull that is. Do you have a sponsor??
Does she have a sponsor?? If not could you perhaps suggest that you each find a sponsor, then if you haven't done so, suggest you each do your 4th and 5th steps, or do them again. Maybe, (all suggestions only) Just gently say," this is affecting 4 lives, this is affecting a family unit, it needs time and thoughts.
Just my feelings and thoughts, that sponsors and step work are soo important, perhaps this has been done, if so forgive me for repeating.
When there are childern ,it makes decisions very complicated. HUGS clancy46
PS For myself I needed a 'Tough" sponsor for my 4th step, as on my own I didn't understand.
Just my thought, but AA sponsors used to say "Do not make any changes or decisions for a year" after getting into AA. I feel it was so people would have time to do their 4th and 5th steps. However I am not sure about the other programs.
Donald you are so broken hearted, and I know and everyone knows how painfull that is. Do you have a sponsor??
Does she have a sponsor?? If not could you perhaps suggest that you each find a sponsor, then if you haven't done so, suggest you each do your 4th and 5th steps, or do them again. Maybe, (all suggestions only) Just gently say," this is affecting 4 lives, this is affecting a family unit, it needs time and thoughts.
Just my feelings and thoughts, that sponsors and step work are soo important, perhaps this has been done, if so forgive me for repeating.
When there are childern ,it makes decisions very complicated. HUGS clancy46
PS For myself I needed a 'Tough" sponsor for my 4th step, as on my own I didn't understand.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: phoenix, arizona
Posts: 19
I agree completely with what Clancy says. And if your wife doesn't get a sponsor so what! You need to get one anyway. You need to get out of the obsession and start working a program for you!
Sometimes when we are so dependent on people it suffocates them. When you starting finding something for yourself and getting independent it can be just the thing they need to see in us. And when they see change, there may be some hope for reconciliation. But if all you do is stay the same, nothing can change in your relationship.
Yes, it is hard work but it is worth it. Detachment is not an easy concept but perhaps some reading on the subject would help.
Good luck Donald. I'll say a prayer for you and your family.
Sometimes when we are so dependent on people it suffocates them. When you starting finding something for yourself and getting independent it can be just the thing they need to see in us. And when they see change, there may be some hope for reconciliation. But if all you do is stay the same, nothing can change in your relationship.
Yes, it is hard work but it is worth it. Detachment is not an easy concept but perhaps some reading on the subject would help.
Good luck Donald. I'll say a prayer for you and your family.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Yes we can detach with love. As it is said detachment with love is neither kind nor unkind it is netural it helps us stay in the now. Only if you become unattached to the outcome will you have the strenghth and the peace to go thru it. Come on give it a try! Detachment does not mean you do not love it can be a very loving act. Understand this many parents of addict/alcoholic children have to detach in order to regain their sanity do this for you, her and your kids....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: indianapolis, in
Posts: 81
Yes Donald,
Detachment may be the thing to read more on...it isn't for the trying to make your wife come to the conclusion that you desire her to, but rather for you. Detachment neither means that you no longer love her.
I detached from my AH, but I have the power to still say from the roof top that I love him but I can not be with him---things were toxic and could have been fatal.
It is something about smothering that makes a person feel like someone is trying to control them...no one wants to be controled by another person...no matter who they are, parent, child, spouse, citizen...when that happens---the main result is that the one feeling smothered and controlled wants to escape and escape big time. That is the reason why most teenagers leave the home or lock parents out of their emotions.
That is a normal reaction---regardless of the benefits that seem to be apparent. A child will decide to be homeless to get away from it. There are all forms of smothering and control; verbal, emotional, physical, you can even translate it by body-language. You can pick it up a thousand miles away and when you are a victim of it you just shut down----people can't handle that from others---it can drive you crazy if you don't shut it down.
Take care of yourself Donald, I know that it is a process, and I hope you find the place that is designed just for you, for you to find relief and the guidance that you need to make it where the calm, the peace, the comfort and resolution is. Then at the end of that, even in the midst, you can conclude that "I am o.k."
(((((((((((((((((coming your way))))))))))))) Give a big hug to yourself too---I wish that I had a shoulder to offer you ---- give yourself the gift of loving yourself now in this moment, it will be an adjustment and be a process...you owe it to yourself to love yourself, regardless of what anyone does and don't do, including your wife...she has to go the road that she has chosen for herself and she has that right to, regardless of all the thousands of reasons why you think that she shouldn't and doesn't.
Cry this thing out, you may be tired of doing that, but it is a helper to the soul and it works in concert to move the storm out of the way---- get it out, loose the anxiety, the confussion, the disappointment, the expectations --- til they releases their hold on you---you have become the prisoner of your pain and it has you captive, that is o.k. we all have been there and can't say that we will never have a season like that again.....life has a way of presenting things to us that are just going to be difficult and painful. Those feelinge cause us to feel so helpless and confused---this just may be the most difficult thing that you thought that you would have to ever endure and be faced with.....it's o.k. Donald...it's o.k.-----you will make it ---- you still have hope and the possibilities are still there. Trust me, believe it.
Try to live well in as many moments as you can and try not to worry as much...I know it will be hard. But you have to appreciate and do yourself well, regardless. Apply your own self worth to yourself and leave the validation of others and a secondary gift not something that is so necessary that it strips you of your essence. Of course you want things to work and who knows they possible could....but meanwhile back at the ranch....you are still here......do the best that you can with you.
Get some support.......find someone that can go through this with you, you are not alone........just in a difficult and turmoiltous season, this too shall pass, go through it and accept things one day at a time, its o.k. Try not to worry.....you still have those little people to care for and you need to have as much of you as possible to make things work for you. You are split right now and rightfully so.....
Standing strong for you and praying comfort and wisdom for you. You are loved, just accept it from the one that has everlasting love for you at this time in you life....He loves you Donald.....Find it from within and let it live.
God bless you.
Detachment may be the thing to read more on...it isn't for the trying to make your wife come to the conclusion that you desire her to, but rather for you. Detachment neither means that you no longer love her.
I detached from my AH, but I have the power to still say from the roof top that I love him but I can not be with him---things were toxic and could have been fatal.
It is something about smothering that makes a person feel like someone is trying to control them...no one wants to be controled by another person...no matter who they are, parent, child, spouse, citizen...when that happens---the main result is that the one feeling smothered and controlled wants to escape and escape big time. That is the reason why most teenagers leave the home or lock parents out of their emotions.
That is a normal reaction---regardless of the benefits that seem to be apparent. A child will decide to be homeless to get away from it. There are all forms of smothering and control; verbal, emotional, physical, you can even translate it by body-language. You can pick it up a thousand miles away and when you are a victim of it you just shut down----people can't handle that from others---it can drive you crazy if you don't shut it down.
Take care of yourself Donald, I know that it is a process, and I hope you find the place that is designed just for you, for you to find relief and the guidance that you need to make it where the calm, the peace, the comfort and resolution is. Then at the end of that, even in the midst, you can conclude that "I am o.k."
(((((((((((((((((coming your way))))))))))))) Give a big hug to yourself too---I wish that I had a shoulder to offer you ---- give yourself the gift of loving yourself now in this moment, it will be an adjustment and be a process...you owe it to yourself to love yourself, regardless of what anyone does and don't do, including your wife...she has to go the road that she has chosen for herself and she has that right to, regardless of all the thousands of reasons why you think that she shouldn't and doesn't.
Cry this thing out, you may be tired of doing that, but it is a helper to the soul and it works in concert to move the storm out of the way---- get it out, loose the anxiety, the confussion, the disappointment, the expectations --- til they releases their hold on you---you have become the prisoner of your pain and it has you captive, that is o.k. we all have been there and can't say that we will never have a season like that again.....life has a way of presenting things to us that are just going to be difficult and painful. Those feelinge cause us to feel so helpless and confused---this just may be the most difficult thing that you thought that you would have to ever endure and be faced with.....it's o.k. Donald...it's o.k.-----you will make it ---- you still have hope and the possibilities are still there. Trust me, believe it.
Try to live well in as many moments as you can and try not to worry as much...I know it will be hard. But you have to appreciate and do yourself well, regardless. Apply your own self worth to yourself and leave the validation of others and a secondary gift not something that is so necessary that it strips you of your essence. Of course you want things to work and who knows they possible could....but meanwhile back at the ranch....you are still here......do the best that you can with you.
Get some support.......find someone that can go through this with you, you are not alone........just in a difficult and turmoiltous season, this too shall pass, go through it and accept things one day at a time, its o.k. Try not to worry.....you still have those little people to care for and you need to have as much of you as possible to make things work for you. You are split right now and rightfully so.....
Standing strong for you and praying comfort and wisdom for you. You are loved, just accept it from the one that has everlasting love for you at this time in you life....He loves you Donald.....Find it from within and let it live.
God bless you.
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