thotful

I grew up in an alcoholic home (father is "high functioning" - goes to work, etc, but then drinks at home every day). Big fall-out with one sibling and then another (amongst 7 sibs) when I got sick and tired of how I was being treated (how they were treating my wife predominantly - that's what woke me up). Estranged from those two siblings - tried my best to reason things out with them, but they won't play ball (refuse counseling with my wife and I, etc). The rest of my sibs and parents seem to enable the behavior. PUt it under the rug and "let's play nice". I refuse to do that and keep myself away from any get-together that has them there.

After the fall-out I began to attend counseling (despite deep feelings of shame), and after 6 months, went to Al-Anon. Another 6 months, I started going to AA. Sobriety close to 3 years and feeling WAYYYYY better about myself.

What seems to be a whole giant mess is my family-of-origin relations.

For example, one sibling says that "you should up your game and come back to be re-introduced to the family". I am told often how my wife doesn't "fit in" to the family and how much they don't like her and what's wrong with that? Let's just spend time together without your wife included. It's not just how they treat my wife, it's how they treat me as well (you've "changed" and we don't like that - your Alanon and counseling and all of that "fluff"). This is not how all of my sibs behave (there's so many people it's hard to keep it all straight - they all behave quite differently - some are vitriolic and toxic - others are quiet - others are supportive and understanding).

But, what is with the whole, "THE FAMILY" stuff? My counselor told me the other day that there are as many families are there are people. I think he means that I have a "family", my wife has a "family", my sib has a "family", my mother has a "family", my father has a "family", my sib's partner has a "family", my nephew,....well, you get the idea.

So, what does "family" truly mean? I feel trapped and oppressed, or something really uncomfortable and nasty...I feel like I can't breathe...like I'm choking. I have NO AIR (woah, I'm tearing up writing this - this is good, I'm finding the feeling and...feeling it). I am gasping. Each time people say, "THE FAMILY thinks this" and "THE FAMILY" thinks that, or this is what you need to do for "THE FAMILY" I feel those things mentioned above. It FEELS HORRIBLE. Is this what breaking away from enmeshment feels like? Like you're leaving a cult? I feel like stories from people leaving a cult sound familiar (the idea that the autonomy is truly amazing, but there is also a loss of the love, protection, and wholeness that came from it - even though...it's an illusion, right? it's wholeness which requires the sacrifice of self).

What does "family" mean to you?

theuncertainty

Family.... The realization that I'd never have the family I wanted with AXH was one of the things that helped me leave him. And talking with his sister a while after I'd moved out kind of confirmed it. XSIL kept telling me that she was so happy to have me as a sister and always felt close, didn't want that to change (i.e. please take her brother back). We didn't see her or hear from her even on average of once a year while living in the same town. We saw or spoke to AXH's dad, who we split a duplex with, about two or three times a year. At least DS got to see him more often when he was one of the court-approved visitation supervisors.

I like the concept your counselor put forward about family. It makes sense. I know I connect with people in my family differently than my sisters or brother do.

For me, Family is there to support and encourage each other, no matter how far apart we live. I know that if something comes up, I can call one of them. Not that we all get along. We don't. There are definitely some that aren't particularly loved by all; they may be welcomed with less exuberance or less warmth, maybe, but some one in the family loves that person. I do have to admit that our extended family is scattered throughout the US, and maybe that helps.

shil2587

Sounds to me like they are using the word family to give their own personal opinions greater weight by implying there is a whole group behind them who thinks the same, whether that be true or not. Maybe forget about what they mean by family and decide what you mean by it. For me, I have two families. The one containing blood relations, with whom I am mostly cordial depending on the situation, some are closer than others. The other are people I am very close with, my partner, my mum and two or the close friends. They are the people I know are always there for me and I for them.

Sounds like your family don't like you changing because it tells them you don't want to live like them. Which you don't. So IMO it's OK to seek out a new relationship on different terms with your biological family and decide to strengthen relationships with people who are closer to you. Your wife and you are also a family.

theuncertainty

I agree with Shil:
FWIW, Thotful, my Family includes my immediate family, some extended family, and _a lot_ of friends that we grew up with; it's not necessarily biological. An uncle tried to play a paterfamilias card and force us to exclude an aunt after she came out and another aunt because she was only a 1/2 sibling. He's elected to not communicate with them. Like Shil noted, the relationships with the Aunts and their kids has grown stronger over the years, while the relationship between us cousins and our Uncle grew weaker. He's still related, but he's not one we turn to for help, advice, or comfort, and he's not among the first to find out about our triumphs or happy events. I know that's different from your situation, Thotful, since my uncle was the minority. Going against him would have hurt so much more if fewer had agreed he was being an a--.

lillamy

Your family does sound like a cult that will only accept you if you live your life according to your rules. If you're over 18, you can ignore that.

Beyond the legal and rational things, it's painful and difficult to not feel accepted by your family of origin. Since you can't change them, and you work on accepting that they are the way they are? And then based on that determine how much interaction you want, and with which individuals in the family?

Just because they run as a pack doesn't mean you have to treat them that way. You have every right to pick brother Matt and aunt Jessie and go out for coffee with them and ignore the rest.

My family is weird. As are most. We have addicts and convicts and blue collar workers and intellectuals. We have mentally ill people and folks who don't believe in mental illness but see it as weakness. I hang out with the ones I like, I put up with the ones I don't.

For me, the big thing has been to free myself from the feeling that I somehow need to please them and behave the way they want me to. I'm an adult and I don't need their approval for my life choices. When you're from a tight family, that's a hard thing to say - but I think that's the only thing you can do, free yourself from their expectations and make your own life decisions.

Duckygirl1

I'm adopted so I have found comfort in the fact that if the craziness I saw around me had a genetic component, I was safe. So for me, family has always meant the people who loved you, supported you and cared. I was raised with the lovely southern tradition of calling my mothers friends "aunty". They weren't blood, but they were so different from my mother in some ways I wondered how they could be friends. They were amazing.

They are all gone now. I think it's one of the reasons I was with ducky boy so long. I was welcomed into this big raucous Italian family with kids running around, fun traditions and just happiness. I didn't see the dysfunction under the surface. Even when I did, I just fell into their pattern to be accepted.

I have a few cousins who I keep in touch with. We had a 6 person family reunion once because we were the only ones we could tolerate lol! Really it's just me and my kids. It's not a whole tribe, but it's enough. Quality over quantity right?