How do you cope with living seperate but together?
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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How do you cope with living seperate but together?
It has been a week now since we decided to separate and he is here all the time. He doesn't want to be seen as abandoning the house and wants to be seen as having half the care and access to our DS7. He claims he hasn't had a drink in over 2 months - I guess that will be his line when it comes to custody. I don't believe it and even if it was true he is still in denial and nowhere near in recovery. No program, no addiction specialist, no rehab, blaming the drinking on his stress over our marriage and how mean I am to him (but he still loves me he says -whatever!).
How do you cope with them being always there, clinging to DS and always close by. He was always neglecting us before, I don't know how he can stand this and it can't last but right now it is so stressful!
How do you cope with them being always there, clinging to DS and always close by. He was always neglecting us before, I don't know how he can stand this and it can't last but right now it is so stressful!
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That doesn't sound like a separation to me, if the only difference is that he's sleeping somewhere else. It doesn't give you the space to think and live (which is probably why he's there all the time).
Have you consulted a lawyer about your rights? In many states, you can file for formal separation, and that agreement can spell out what behaviors are acceptable. Him coming over and hanging out at the house every day doesn't sound like a good situation for you.
Have you consulted a lawyer about your rights? In many states, you can file for formal separation, and that agreement can spell out what behaviors are acceptable. Him coming over and hanging out at the house every day doesn't sound like a good situation for you.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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I had to go through this in my divorce. Court allowed her to live in the same marital home as I was in. No kids though. I just stayed in my part of the house when I had to be there and stayed gone as much as I could.
It sucked.
It sucked.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Technically he doesn't have to leave so I am stuck. I am seeing my lawyer Friday and I hope to move this forward. I don't want him to take my son 1/2 the time now to his parent's place as he has suggested and set a precedent for letting him have half the time. This is going to suck - he is claiming to have not had a drink in 2 months - so unless someone is familiar with alcoholism, they won't see this for the crap that it is. My fear is they will say, well, if he says so, that shows he is now sober so he is a fit parent.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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Is he even leaving the house to sleep? I'm so glad you are seeing your lawyer this Friday - I hope that you can set-up temporary orders concerning the house and parenting. Whatever groundwork he is trying to lay for the future, I doubt two weeks of effort will be enough. If you have any journals, correspondence, etc from prior to this period, it might help prove your point. It sucks that you have had to suffer with so much of his crud and then you have to prove it, too. Crossing my fingers that all goes well on Friday.
I'm wondering: if he had previously agreed to live separately and has gone back on his word, will that help show that there is difficulty in getting his cooperation? Best to keep documenting all of this - emails to lawyer, a journal, emails to yourself in a private email account?
You guys desperately need some space and it would be good for your son to get used to what will be the new pattern in his life, whatever your STBXAH thinks.
Stay strong - hopefully this will be resolved soon!
I'm wondering: if he had previously agreed to live separately and has gone back on his word, will that help show that there is difficulty in getting his cooperation? Best to keep documenting all of this - emails to lawyer, a journal, emails to yourself in a private email account?
You guys desperately need some space and it would be good for your son to get used to what will be the new pattern in his life, whatever your STBXAH thinks.
Stay strong - hopefully this will be resolved soon!
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He is not leaving the house to sleep either. At meal times, he sits there and stares at DS non stop. Even if he is not eating like this morning when I made pancakes for me and DS, he sat there at the table the whole time and stared. Joined in every conversation or comment. Now he has started to leave early for work so he is home early and has even more time to follow us around and stare. But he puts on an act of being so pleasant - it's infuriating! Last night he did laundry and also did mine. I told him already we will do our own laundry now. I said last night to not do my laundry but he said it was mixed in. This morning he did more laundry and I asked him if he did mine too. He said yes, and I said I asked you not to do it, just do your own. He said mine was mixed with DS's so I said I will do mine and DS's you do your own as I want to hang ours out on the line and not waste electricity. He said he doesn't want to bicker (now he's angry) and if DS wants his laundry done he will do it. Arrgghhh.... I know he will be thinking all day of how to punish me for saying anything or going against him. I can't even have any control over laundry in my own home! He is so controlling and manipulative!
Yesterday I went to see my psychologist and she said at the end "you realize you went from a narcissistic mother to a narcissistic husband". Sigh...
Yesterday I went to see my psychologist and she said at the end "you realize you went from a narcissistic mother to a narcissistic husband". Sigh...
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If your son is not at risk of abuse or neglect while in his father's care you may have to accept that he will get some parenting time regardless of who does his laundry.
One moment at a time. When things were at there peak and I thought I might implode I said the Serenity Prayer so many times and it really did help to reflect on those words. Hang in there until Friday when you get some answers from your lawyer and you can begin putting together a plan to move forward.
Do you have a spare room you can move your things into so you have at least a small measure of privacy? I'm sorry you are in this position - I know it feels horrible. It is horrible. You don't deserve this kind of treatment.
One moment at a time. When things were at there peak and I thought I might implode I said the Serenity Prayer so many times and it really did help to reflect on those words. Hang in there until Friday when you get some answers from your lawyer and you can begin putting together a plan to move forward.
Do you have a spare room you can move your things into so you have at least a small measure of privacy? I'm sorry you are in this position - I know it feels horrible. It is horrible. You don't deserve this kind of treatment.
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Originally Posted by Thumper 
If your son is not at risk of abuse or neglect while in his father's care you may have to accept that he will get some parenting time regardless of who does his laundry. One moment at a time. When things were at there peak and I thought I might implode I said the Serenity Prayer so many times and it really did help to reflect on those words. Hang in there until Friday when you get some answers from your lawyer and you can begin putting together a plan to move forward. Do you have a spare room you can move your things into so you have at least a small measure of privacy? I'm sorry you are in this position - I know it feels horrible. It is horrible. You don't deserve this kind of treatment.
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lucy......you have lived with his alcoholism (and the behaviors that come along with it) for several years.
Compared to that....whats a few more days....lol! One just has to increase the detachment up to full tilt.
I remember my husband whining and crying for about 6wks. after I announced my decision to divorce. (while he was still living i n the house).
dandylion
Compared to that....whats a few more days....lol! One just has to increase the detachment up to full tilt.
I remember my husband whining and crying for about 6wks. after I announced my decision to divorce. (while he was still living i n the house).
dandylion
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Boundaries need to be established and hopefully you and your attorney can come up with some that will help all of you adjust to becoming a separated family.
Having gone through the experience of my ex remaining in the home while waiting the 18 months for the divorce to be final – it was the most troubling emotional time I ever experienced. Sorry, just being real.
Having gone through the experience of my ex remaining in the home while waiting the 18 months for the divorce to be final – it was the most troubling emotional time I ever experienced. Sorry, just being real.
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My STBXAH and I decided to divorce back in October but stayed together in the same house until I finally made plans to move out after the holidays. It sucked, there was no two ways about it. But, those months passed quickly and I found a house to rent and moved out Feb 1st. It's been bliss ever since.....well, mostly, but it's definitely been so much nicer than walking on eggshells.
Sometimes, though, we have to persevere through some tough times in order to get to our destination. It will be worth it in the end!
Sometimes, though, we have to persevere through some tough times in order to get to our destination. It will be worth it in the end!
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I'm sorry this sounds like a PITA.
Might be best to pick and choose your battles - he did the laundry just let it go. There are more serious battles on the horizon that will be worthy of getting upset over.
Might be best to pick and choose your battles - he did the laundry just let it go. There are more serious battles on the horizon that will be worthy of getting upset over.
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Update - we had our first collaborative family law session with the lawyers today. STBXAH said all kinds of ridiculous crap like I'm a helicopter parent (he's actually the one who is - even other people have said so to me) and that I'm a hyperactive parent forcing tons of activities on our DS (I guess in comparison to his doing nothing with DS it seems excessive). I brought up the drinking and - surprise, surprise, he denied having a drinking problem etc etc. Lots of other crazy crap, but I stayed calm and he came off as more complaining and unreasonable than me.
Good news is that I said I really need space and after some resistance he agreed to ask his folks, who live very close by, to let him move in there ASAP. Bad news - DS will be over there on his nights and weekends so I won't even see him after school on those days, but good news is STBXAH won't be here for all the meals and overnight, giving me the space I so desperately need. I didn't want a divorce so I could spend more time with him, after all - and I brought this up too, saying we need to keep in mind that this is a separation so there needs to be separation. He's so delusional - at the start of the session he said he intends to be the best of friends with me always. What?!?! I can't stand him, and you don't treat friends the way he's treated me. I saw it all today - denying, lying, projection, deflection - you name it, he did it.
Good news is that I said I really need space and after some resistance he agreed to ask his folks, who live very close by, to let him move in there ASAP. Bad news - DS will be over there on his nights and weekends so I won't even see him after school on those days, but good news is STBXAH won't be here for all the meals and overnight, giving me the space I so desperately need. I didn't want a divorce so I could spend more time with him, after all - and I brought this up too, saying we need to keep in mind that this is a separation so there needs to be separation. He's so delusional - at the start of the session he said he intends to be the best of friends with me always. What?!?! I can't stand him, and you don't treat friends the way he's treated me. I saw it all today - denying, lying, projection, deflection - you name it, he did it.
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I'm glad you got him out of your immediate vicinity lucy. Keep your head and let him be the one buzzing around. Comfort yourself that having his father in his life will be positive for your son, as long as things settle down when he moves out. I'm sure you'll find out soon enough if he starts drinking again.
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I see the good news here as that not only is he out of your house, his parents will be around when your son is there. Are they pretty dependable people?
You might want to be sure to talk to your son about dad's drinking and emphasize he is never, ever to get in the car with him if he's been drinking, and to call you if he's insisting, and also generally how to stay safe. You can emphasize that his dad loves him but that his drinking might make him make bad decisions, so he needs to pay attention to his own safety. If you haven't, already, you might enlist the help of a school counselor and/or see if there is an Alateen or Alakid program available.
You might want to be sure to talk to your son about dad's drinking and emphasize he is never, ever to get in the car with him if he's been drinking, and to call you if he's insisting, and also generally how to stay safe. You can emphasize that his dad loves him but that his drinking might make him make bad decisions, so he needs to pay attention to his own safety. If you haven't, already, you might enlist the help of a school counselor and/or see if there is an Alateen or Alakid program available.
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