Wheresmyunicorn

I think I posted this in the F&F of substance abusers by accident - Sorry!

I'm trying to start working through the infamous 12-steps. I'm noticing a lot of people say they breeze right through the first 3 steps. I'm finding that I'm working a lot on step 3 (I'm a bit of a control freak and have something of a mental block with "letting go" to my higher power due to a long family history of -in my opinion overboard- religious issues).

But I consistently keep having to come back to steps 1 and 2 and am in an almost total "fake it til you make it" mode. Granted I'm really new at this, but it seems like I'll think I'm doing ok and then all of a sudden I'm back to talking myself down every few minutes. So, is this normal? Will I always come back to these or will it eventually be something I don't even think about?

MIRecovery

I would highly recommend getting a sponsor. For me I could not have worked the steps in any meaningful without the Guidance of someone with a lot more sobriety than myself.

The questions you are asking are good ones but they should be directed towards your sponsor

ladyscribbler

For me the first 3 steps aren't a "one and done" deal. They're more like a continual process. Especially step 3 (control issues here as well, imagine that). I frequently find myself having to turn new things over, especially when my instinct is to try to impose my will and "fix" or control people or situations.
I have "worked" all the 12 steps, but that doesn't mean I'm cured or done forever. Recovery is a process.
Something that helps me when I'm struggling is to lead a meeting on a topic that is giving me trouble.

zoso77

I have to confess, I never did any explicit work on all of the 12 Steps.

That said, here's another way you can look at letting go without a Higher Power in the picture. Take what you like and leave the rest.

When you look at the choices and the behavior of your addict loved one, you will soon come to a point where you understand those choices and their behavior has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. We don't have any control over what other people do. They're going to do whatever it is they do. So we can either fight that and go bonkers, or accept it and ultimately save our sanity.

That realization clicked for me in one of my first Al Anon meetings as I listened to the mothers of addicted children described how nothing they did changed the behavior of their sons and daughters. Once someone is in the throes of addiction, they are closed off from anything we offer them in terms of love, support, and guidance. Once that clicked, I let go...because if it made no difference what I did or didn't go, they why drive myself batsh!t crazy trying to change the other person?

There is no right way or wrong way to work your program, in my opinion. There is only your way. And if works for you and it changes your life for the better, then that's all that counts.

Hope this helps.

cynical one

First 3 Steps simplified

Step 1= I can't
Step 2= He can
Step 3= I'll let Him

chicory

Welcome to SR!
To be honest, in my ACA group, we had a study of the 12 steps, but I did not spend lots of time on them.. maybe I would have benefited from it. But, I did spend a bit more time on the amends part of it.

I read it as a self help sort of thing... I learn what healthy boundaries are from reading them, and I really benefited from learning to let go and let God.

Just take them for what they mean to you, and do it as you find it helpful. Don't worry, because I think that each person finds the most meaningful thing to them, and it may not be the same to the next guy. I do think they are very valuable, as a learning tool.

I think lots of folks here would love to discuss the 12 steps and how they do them. Just pop in on one of the step threads, and you will find many who are very strong in knowledge of the steps. some take years to go through them, and then do it again!

take care!

schnappi99

I find step 1 challenging, the "if only she would's" pop up in my head ftom time to time. Im better at perceiving them now, so even if the associated feeling persists for a while its easier to lets the thought go. Takes practice...

happybeingme

I took a peek at the stickies up top and they have a link to the step study work. You may find reading that helpful.

mayabee

I worked with a sponsor on the steps. 4th step in particular took forever but it was so worth it. Even after completing the steps I still feel that I circle back to the first 3 steps. I really like this 3rd step prayer:

Take my will and my life.
Guide me in my recovery.
Teach me how to live.

It helps me when I keep trying to control things and people that I can't control.

DesertEyes

hmmm.... not me. Took me forever to get started on those.

Over here in my part of the world we call that the "al-anon waltz" Steps one two three, one two three, one two three....

My sponsor told me that "fake it til you make it" is the al-anon term for "rehersal". If I keep _acting_ a particular way it will, eventually, sink in and become real.

Yup. Totally common with me. What it is with me is that I didn't develop all these "unhealthy behaviors" overnight. It took many years of continued practice I'm not going to replace them with "healthy" behaviors overnight.

I had a "long learning curve". Getting the hang of the steps, and sponsors, and service work, etc. took me a long time to figure out. Once I did get it working it has become easier and easier. Nowadays I only have to re-do the whole 12 steps when I hit some horribly huge obstacle in life. Like when I divorced my "qualifier". In between major train wrecks I do just fine with only steps 10 - 12... and I admit that I do skip meetings now and then.

Most of the time I don't even think about it, but when I need the "tools of recovery" I can pick them up in a second.

Mike

Wheresmyunicorn

Thanks so much! It helps to know I am actually getting somewhere. I have in the past managed to fool myself into believing I'm doing ok with something and instead realize later I was just managing to stuff it all down ...

On the plus side of all of this, I'm finding my constant focus on step 1, especially, is helping me immensely with dealing with my young kids lol! No, you can't control what your sister does, only how you react .... really, will it matter if she doesn't admit you're right? etc. Silver linings!

lillamy

Mike said it better than I could have. One of my old pastors used to say "we are instructed to put our burdens down at the foot of the Cross... We usually have no problem with that, the problem is that we keep running back to pick those burdens up again!"

And that's sort of how I feel about the steps. I've worked through them twice, once with a sponsor, once with the help of an Al-Anon book (that was very similar to the step studies in the stickies). It's a work in progress... I'm a work in progress... and the thing is... it's the work that's the thing. Not the end result as much as what you learn while you're working through the steps. So don't feel like you're going too slow or that you're not "getting it done" -- because you're doing it at the speed you need to, and you ARE getting it done. "Getting it done" is doing it.

fluffyflea

For me they are a daily tool.

CodeJob

Your pace. Step 3 took me 8 months. I finally thought through my cradle faith and rejected it. Took me a bit to come up with an alternate HP.

As for a sponsor, I had a lot of concerns about getting a sponsor. Pray about it. One for you will show up.