Post-relapse update, and new problems.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
Post-relapse update, and new problems.
For the most part, things have been good between me and my A. He "graduated" from his IOP program, having completed his 5th step and has found a sponsor and a lot of hope for the future. For my own part, I am continuing to fill my days with things that make me happy. My vacation with my friends was an amazing get away, and it felt good to reconnect with people outside of the bubble that I live in day-to-day. Today, I worked hard in the garden all day which felt great to continue to make this new house my own. I am loving my voice lessons, am starting a yoga immersion on Tuesday, and continuing to take care of my body via ballet classes and (after a freak snow-storm) skiing. I have a yoga retreat coming up! And, A and I have been loving and happy and appreciative of each other. We have been making it a priority to go on dates, to celebrate special moments, and to be intimate. We even went to the ballet last night 
So, aside from my soon-to-be-written complaint, things have felt really good and positive!
Today, though, he informed me that he would be leaving on Tuesday to visit his mother across the country. She has been battling cancer for some time and is due to start another round of Chemo next week. I expressed my concerns, both with his group (when he was still in it) and again today about this trip. He relapsed on his last impromptu trip away (that he *needed* to go on, apparently...) and though I sympathize with wanting to see his mother, he did just spend a full week with her over the Easter holidays and she has two other grown children who live closer for support.
I offered up the idea that she come visit us out here as a compromise (and, also, I wasn't able to see her over the holiday because I was away on my vacation, so it would be nice to spend some time with her for myself). The weather has been beautiful here, she would get to spend time with her grandkids, and our foster cat just had a litter of kittens that are beyond adorable. We live in the mountains, so there is hiking to be done (she loves to take walks) and other healthy, outdoor things to do to get her mind off of her fears about treatment. I guess when he asked her about this, she didn't immediately sound enthused, so he dropped the idea and has since made up his mind that the only option is for him to go to her.
When I tried to discuss with him that I thought it was more important that he remain here in his routine (being just less than 30 days sober at this point, and also having dropped to a lower level of care), he blew up and basically told me that he was a grown man who is not to be controlled or grounded.
I didn't think I was being controlling...just offering up thoughts, feelings, and compromises.... but maybe I was?
Anyway, like a typical codie, now I am spinning off and getting completely worked up over this. We are currently ignoring each other, and when I tried to break the silence by saying that I didn't want to fight, could we just please talk, the conversation went just as poorly as before. In fact, he called me mean.
I don't want to think I have the power to stop him from going, and I don't think it's a bad thing to want to visit with his mother.... I just want to feel heard and respected. (And, also, admittedly, to be in this right on this issue.) I'm upset that we are fighting over this and upset that he turned so cold so fast. I'm trying to give him space, and focus on my own upcoming obligations for the week, reminding myself that I am too busy to "babysit" him by joining him on the trip, and that I am better off staying here and focusing on the life I am trying to build. But it's hard in the moment to not go completely off the deep-end over this.
Help me??
So, aside from my soon-to-be-written complaint, things have felt really good and positive!Today, though, he informed me that he would be leaving on Tuesday to visit his mother across the country. She has been battling cancer for some time and is due to start another round of Chemo next week. I expressed my concerns, both with his group (when he was still in it) and again today about this trip. He relapsed on his last impromptu trip away (that he *needed* to go on, apparently...) and though I sympathize with wanting to see his mother, he did just spend a full week with her over the Easter holidays and she has two other grown children who live closer for support.
I offered up the idea that she come visit us out here as a compromise (and, also, I wasn't able to see her over the holiday because I was away on my vacation, so it would be nice to spend some time with her for myself). The weather has been beautiful here, she would get to spend time with her grandkids, and our foster cat just had a litter of kittens that are beyond adorable. We live in the mountains, so there is hiking to be done (she loves to take walks) and other healthy, outdoor things to do to get her mind off of her fears about treatment. I guess when he asked her about this, she didn't immediately sound enthused, so he dropped the idea and has since made up his mind that the only option is for him to go to her.
When I tried to discuss with him that I thought it was more important that he remain here in his routine (being just less than 30 days sober at this point, and also having dropped to a lower level of care), he blew up and basically told me that he was a grown man who is not to be controlled or grounded.
I didn't think I was being controlling...just offering up thoughts, feelings, and compromises.... but maybe I was?
Anyway, like a typical codie, now I am spinning off and getting completely worked up over this. We are currently ignoring each other, and when I tried to break the silence by saying that I didn't want to fight, could we just please talk, the conversation went just as poorly as before. In fact, he called me mean.
I don't want to think I have the power to stop him from going, and I don't think it's a bad thing to want to visit with his mother.... I just want to feel heard and respected. (And, also, admittedly, to be in this right on this issue.) I'm upset that we are fighting over this and upset that he turned so cold so fast. I'm trying to give him space, and focus on my own upcoming obligations for the week, reminding myself that I am too busy to "babysit" him by joining him on the trip, and that I am better off staying here and focusing on the life I am trying to build. But it's hard in the moment to not go completely off the deep-end over this.
Help me??
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I am glad you admitted to wanting to be right. Here's the thing. You expressed your feelings, he heard them, and he made his decision. Why beat a dead horse? His mother is ill and undergoing another round of chemo, traveling is probably not in her best interest right now.
Let it go and trust him to the universe. It is all you can do. Since you mentioned he is on step5 he is doing AA. There are meetings everywhere. If he needs support he can find it. Let him know you love him and then get back on your side of the street.
Let it go and trust him to the universe. It is all you can do. Since you mentioned he is on step5 he is doing AA. There are meetings everywhere. If he needs support he can find it. Let him know you love him and then get back on your side of the street.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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If it were me, I would simply let him go. He wants to visit his mother who is undergoing chemotherapy--again. It seems a reasonable thing to want to do. When my father had a triple by-pass operation last year, my husband and I both went to spend time with him in the hospital and once he got home. My sister lives near them and helps them all the time, but this was my elderly Dad and it was important to me to see him.
I know you must be feeling a lot of anxiety and fear that he will relapse, and I'm just so sorry! He is going to have to learn to navigate this world, the good and the bad, without alcohol.
Hang in there!
I know you must be feeling a lot of anxiety and fear that he will relapse, and I'm just so sorry! He is going to have to learn to navigate this world, the good and the bad, without alcohol.
Hang in there!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
He's already on the 5th step in only 30 days sober? Isn't that kind of fast. Idk though. I guess there's not a time table. I would let it (him) go, too. It's out of your power and if he's looking for a relapse, he'll find it somewhere. I'm glad ur starting to find your peace.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Jeni, he's made himself clear that he thinks you're trying to control him, although you see it differently. The thing is, he may not want you to control him so he can go off and drink, or it may be that he wants you to trust him. Either way, he's given you the gift of saying what he means.
Your plan sounds wonderful BTW and I will certainly turn up even if your MIL doesn't.
Your plan sounds wonderful BTW and I will certainly turn up even if your MIL doesn't.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I agree he made a decision so let it go.
As a side not my mother also has cancer and is also undergoing chemotherapy. Travel is not a good idea at all due to the way they feel, and that they are far more susceptible to illness as chemo basically destroys the immune system. Depending on the treatment she is getting she may not be allowed to travel by her Doctor I know my mom is not for several weeks after the treatment.
Hard situation I understand why you feel the way you feel.
As a side not my mother also has cancer and is also undergoing chemotherapy. Travel is not a good idea at all due to the way they feel, and that they are far more susceptible to illness as chemo basically destroys the immune system. Depending on the treatment she is getting she may not be allowed to travel by her Doctor I know my mom is not for several weeks after the treatment.
Hard situation I understand why you feel the way you feel.
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It is a reasonable thing to want to see his mom even if it's only been 30 days. I get your fear of relapse, but if he's going to relapse, it's going to happen no matter where he is and you will not be able to stop it. Serenity prayer time.
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Location: New York, NY
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I didn't think I was being controlling...just offering up thoughts, feelings, and compromises.... but maybe I was?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
Sorry, I should have clarified that though he is about 30 days sober at this point, he had been working his steps through the previous 8 months of sobriety and completed step 5 just after his relapse.
I agree, it's not in my interest to control. And I really am trying to be sympathetic toward his feelings regarding his mom being sick. I can't understand what it would be like to have a parent who is dying.... I just wonder why it is so obvious to me when he makes these snap decisions and winds up in trouble, but he lacks the foresight? Maybe everything will be fine, and I am future tripping, and, for sure, I can't stop his relapse no matter where he is. I just feel he has a better chance if he sticks to the recovery routine he has established here, and works on getting strong sober time.... (Yes, I hear it: "me, me, me, i think, i want...")
Regarding her traveling here, she has not yet begun her treatment, so her immune system is still strong and recovered from the year+ since her last round. Physically, she is strong and active at the moment, but will be less so (obviously) once she begins her chemo in a two weeks time. It's obviously up to her if she wants to travel, but she is definitely capable, and has been doing so on her own recently, so nothing new.
But. Yes. I hear you all: get out of his way and let him make his own choices. I can't control this. I guess what I can control is that nagging in my own brain that is interrupting my peace.
I agree, it's not in my interest to control. And I really am trying to be sympathetic toward his feelings regarding his mom being sick. I can't understand what it would be like to have a parent who is dying.... I just wonder why it is so obvious to me when he makes these snap decisions and winds up in trouble, but he lacks the foresight? Maybe everything will be fine, and I am future tripping, and, for sure, I can't stop his relapse no matter where he is. I just feel he has a better chance if he sticks to the recovery routine he has established here, and works on getting strong sober time.... (Yes, I hear it: "me, me, me, i think, i want...")
Regarding her traveling here, she has not yet begun her treatment, so her immune system is still strong and recovered from the year+ since her last round. Physically, she is strong and active at the moment, but will be less so (obviously) once she begins her chemo in a two weeks time. It's obviously up to her if she wants to travel, but she is definitely capable, and has been doing so on her own recently, so nothing new.
But. Yes. I hear you all: get out of his way and let him make his own choices. I can't control this. I guess what I can control is that nagging in my own brain that is interrupting my peace.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I will second and third all of the above...it sucks to worry so much about those we love potentially failing themselves and therefore us.....but it's the risk we take by staying with the alcoholic. 20 years from now, there will STILL be a chance of relapse. It's the way this disease works.
But.....we have to let go of what we can't control. So.........let it go.
Hugs girlie
But.....we have to let go of what we can't control. So.........let it go.
Hugs girlie
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jenibean.....his relationship and feelings about his mother belong to him....NOT YOU.
To me, it sounds very arrogant to tell either one of them how they should feel and act in this situation. How do you know how much is enough contact between a mother and child who may be spending their last time in life together.
I believe you are walking where angels would fear to tread. I h ave gotta say that I agree with your boyfriend on this.....
I cannot even IMAGINE taking instruction from a boyfriend as to h ow to deal with and treat my mother........
dandylion
To me, it sounds very arrogant to tell either one of them how they should feel and act in this situation. How do you know how much is enough contact between a mother and child who may be spending their last time in life together.
I believe you are walking where angels would fear to tread. I h ave gotta say that I agree with your boyfriend on this.....
I cannot even IMAGINE taking instruction from a boyfriend as to h ow to deal with and treat my mother........
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Well.... without my further insistence, A decided to stay home (for now) and encourage his mom to visit instead. I'm not sure why he had the change of heart. I woke up the morning he was supposed to leave (Tuesday) and he informed me that decided to cancel. Instead, he filled his day with aftercare things and an AA meeting. Hm. All's well that ends well, I guess. Ah, future-tripping. It feels so silly in the aftermath....
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
It's his mother and his sobriety, he's an adult, and I think you were being controlling. What I learned is most people resent getting unsolicited advice.
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