Aeryn

I've read a lot of posts lately about being afraid to leave or wondering when the right time is....so I thought I'd share...fear for me was the greatest obstacle but once I got by it life started happening. It isn't a perfect life and it can be messy at times but it's a real life, and that's something I didn't have when I lived with my STBXAH.

I left years ago...I don't know 3 or 4 at this point. I didn't divorce right away because...I don't know I guess because I didn't need to, we didn't have kids, I live in a liberal area and my XA was working hard on recovery at the time and as a sober person he could be trusted. First...his sobriety lasted 13 months and I thank god every day I left and followed my gut because when he relapsed it wasn't on me, I wasn't there and I had some good recovery under my belt. For me (and this isn't true for everyone just for me) I didn't want to stay through the slips and relapses...that life just wasn't want I wanted. I was ok being his friend when he was in recovery but I was clear that once he was no longer in recovery that wasn't an option...that was my boundary and I held it. Now that he's relapsed, his crazy texts don't phase me nor does his blah blah it was a slip quacking. It is what it is - he's on his path and me on mine.

It's ok I'm just getting the divorce now because this is when I'm doing it and am ready...and when I left that was when I was ready. When I moved out I just did it - I didn't feel it was the "perfect time"...there is no perfect time but I knew I needed to just do it...so I walked through the fear and uncertainty and did it. I was scared of him taking half of my income, I was scared of being alone you name it I was in fear. I was isolated when I left and I had to hire movers to help me but it happened. I remember my therapist at the time said "are you ready?" and I said "no but I'm doing it anyway". And he said that's all you can do.

I spent a year pretty lonely but I grew strong and my fear started to lessen, I realize now being an ACOA and living with an active A for as long as I did made me bask in fear, fear of the unknown, fear of being different, fear of being alone, even fear of driving (OMG!...that is so not me..in my defense this is a huge city LOL).

Well once the lonely year passed and I started overcoming the fears one by one things started to change. I got a job that I really actually like and my income almost doubled...I live well and I have a nice house....in a nice little neighborhood here in Southern CA...I love it. I dated, I relived some lost youth a while and I had fun. I slowly met some new people (no they aren't perfect but they care...what more can I ask for). I started learning who I was...though I was still stuck on wanting a relationship....I think part of the reason I just hung around not getting the divorce was I liked to say I was married (it's easy to be married to an A when you never see them or live with them LOL). My RA at the time and I stayed friends and I moved on.

Then life got a bit messy...I got cancer in the female reproductive area and I went through three surgeries before I finally about a month ago was deemed cancer free (yay!). Through the cancer I realized how many real friends I had made since I left my STBXAH...they showed up and supported me. And the weird thing is I wasn't scared, I just did what needed done and hoped for the best...I had a couple scares in the hospital but here I am alive and well.

Anyway the cancer and surgeries left me with an issue - with my age and the damage the cancer caused I was faced with the decision to either have a child now via IVF or not have one. The old me would have been terrified to do IVF with a donor...why? The old me thought only a traditional family and situation was ok...that's my ACOA stuff (hi mom! LOL). The new me knew I wanted a child and could support one and I'm doing the IVF...is the "time right" or perfect? No but it's time to walk through the fear and do it. I've started the process of getting ready for the IVF.

To complicate things more I met my BF (the first serious one I've had since I left STBXAH) right in the middle of my surgeries in January. The old me would have been scared to be with him - he's 6 years younger and well my life is complicated. It wasn't the "right time"...but I went for it anyway I told him what was up (man that was scary) and to my surprise he's still around. So again walking through the fear.

I guess my point is if I'd sat around waiting for the "right time" to leave or the "right time" to have a kid or the "right time" for a BF I wouldn't have what I have now. No it's not the picture perfect Brady Bunch life but it's pretty ok...sometimes it's hard (omg it's hard having a relationship....I had to learn to say how I feel and speak up but I'm doing it) but it's worth it. Fear was my biggest enemy and while fear is still there and it's ok to have fear for me it was about facing the fear instead of hiding. Now that I'm out of hiding I feel pretty good.

For everyone struggling I've been there...and no life isn't perfect after (and sometimes I lapse into old thinking) but it's an actual life and for me the only way to get that was to just do it when I knew I should despite the "timing"...I just had to let it go and hope for the best. And everyone's path is different but for me it was about following what I wanted despite fear.

merrygoround1

It took me a long time to realize my reactions to my ExAH were because of fear. I never threatened leaving and didn't threaten divorce I loved him but after years of loving him, tolerating the drunken state, manipulation and lies I was overwhelmed. When I left I just left. But even then wasn't ready to say I would divorce. Even when family said it was ok I wanted to try but really the I wanted to try was him and my great expectations doing a dance that we so often had done before. Yep he was sinking alcohol and I was on a dose of fear... The fear and belief that what he said was true I was my fault....someone once told me that a smart phone has many aps. And if you let them all run your phone will get slow and confused and not work right. The first ap you need to turn off is fear 2.0 because if you don't your phone might just turn off...hope you can find that power boost and if it keeps running find a tech friend and yes it's ok to listen to them until you learn how to get things running again.

Sunsun

I totally get the fear thing. It is paralysing if it takes hold. I fight it daily. I'm secretly scared of a lot of things. Some things I feel more than fear about - I feel terror.

However... I am disciplined about tackling it. I look daily at the little things that scare me and sort them out immediately. That's about what I can control. Do it and it's over.

The big stuff, like Aeryn, I walk through as it presents itself to me. Some of it is stuff a lot of 50 year old single mums with young kids are scared of. The future, money, money, money, being alone, doing the right thing for the kids, our own 'identity', carving out a purpose for ourselves and our lives that we OWN.

My therapist is as hard as nails, no sugar coating anything, so every week it's "face the fear and do it anyway", I welcome the opportunity to feel it in safety. It's not my fault I have been the victim of abuse, some it is still around (family members and xh father of kids), but it's up to me to put that in the past, forgive myself, and have hope and faith in the future.

It's a hard and uncomfortable journey, but I hope it makes better people?!!

lillamy

That's a brilliant post, Aeryn! Thank you!

freetosmile

I have spent so many years of my life just dwelling in fear. Loathing it, but loving the comfort it brought me.

You see, when I live in fear....I don't actually ever have to DO anything. Fear kept me angry that my life sucked but fear kept me "in my place".... Which was without the courage to DO anything about it. I hope that makes sense.

When I finally did DO something, I realized "hey, this isn't so bad" I can handle the obstacles that come.... It's not as scary as my FEAR made it out to be!
Now, with the abuser.... Proceed with caution about overcoming your fear. Make sure all your ducks are lined up before you make your move. And by ducks, I mean safety. Dv advocate, police, whatever it takes. And yes, opening up to these people about your situation does take a lot of overcoming of your fear.... But that feeling subsides once your realize you are not alone .

Thanks for this post.

Duckygirl1

I will reading this over and over several times this week. Really needed this!

lizatola

Aeryn, so very happy for you especially that you are cancer free! I can relate to the fear stuff because financial fears, among others, are what kept me in my marriage for way too long. Now that I'm out and I'm free, I walk around saying, "What took me so long?" And, like you, I am dating, meeting new people, going out with friends, and just generally enjoying my life.

It's a very different picture from just 3-4 short months ago. I love reading stories like yours because these were the stories that gave me the strength to finally make the move to leave and to set my feet on my own path even though that path was surrounded by fear.

Thanks for sharing your story!!!

Florence

I had financial fears, social fears (being a single parent twice over), and just general life fears. I just took one step at a time, reminded myself there was no need to rush because we were already separated. At the point where I was still hanging onto the last few lingering threads of our relationship, asking whether or not I could actually continue on with him, he showed his hand with yet another relapse, and it was the catalyst I needed to leave finally and for good.

I'm pretty sure he cheated on me, but I'll never be able to prove it. He stole money. He was a lying and disappearing drunk. He said and did really inappropriate things around my son from a prior relationship. He was chronically unemployed or underemployed, lazy, inconsiderate, rude, and dismissive, and still I stayed with him for years, unable to cut the ties.

I was paralyzed by my co-dependency. I had to make a conscious decision (and still do nearly every day) to let go of my co-dependent habits and make deliberate choices that are healthier and more stable for me, and having faith that if I make these decisions the outcomes will be better for me in the long run than otherwise. One of these things is detaching and removing myself from the influence of emotionally toxic people, like alcoholics, of which my XAH is one.

Aeryn

Thanks everyone - yes life on the other side of the bridge is pretty ok...it's amazing how powerful fear was and then once you face it how it gets easier and easier to face it each time something new comes up.

NYCDoglvr

Thanks for the uplifting story! A side benefit to taking the difficult actions -- walking through the fear -- is getting the self-esteem that led me to see I was wrong in thinking I didn't deserve better than a destructive alcoholic.