Having doubts about leaving
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 7
Having doubts about leaving
Hey everyone,
I've been on this forum for over two years now after my AB went to rehab the first time, I went to Alanon and we moved on with our lives. For the past year, ever since I became pregnant, my AB has relapsed again and again. During family week, I laid out some boundaries, none of which he's adhered to. I had the baby (she's ten months now), and the drinking got worse. He's used her as an excuse to drink. Everything is an excuse. I've taken on all the responsibility in the daily care taking of this baby. On top of working full time. He has a son who is over every other week, who is still reeling from the divorce of his father and mother (we left our spouses to be together), and who is needy beyond the norm. My AB still parents out of guilt and is terrible at setting boundaries with his kid or the ex, and so I literally have no help when he's over. Ab doesnt drink when son is over, not anymore. But every other day he does. I moved from a different state to be with him and have no family here. Between the drinking, the ex, the son, it's been very lonely for me. Until now.
I am blessed to have this child who has made this picture crystal clear for me. This last round of bingeing just sealed it. We passed him blacked out under the kitchen table, wine bottles, vodka and beer on the table. He'd cooked lentils and the kitchen was a complete mess. My daughter kept glancing at the man under the table and I thought, "I don't ever want her too see this again. And I don't either." Only one way to do that right?
Now of course he's being mr perfect. It's been a week since I told him I was leaving, and three weeks left until we board the plane to my parents. He's so good at being mr perfect I can feel the doubt creeping in, the tug in my heart, and the fear. I'm 42 years old with a soon-to-be toddler!! My head says go, but I'm getting scared. I know I will have all the support I need out there, and a lot more help. He'll be home soon from dropping off his son, airflow earlier than normal and I'm afraid he's gonna try and convince me to stay. He has so many times now in the last four years. Help!
I've been on this forum for over two years now after my AB went to rehab the first time, I went to Alanon and we moved on with our lives. For the past year, ever since I became pregnant, my AB has relapsed again and again. During family week, I laid out some boundaries, none of which he's adhered to. I had the baby (she's ten months now), and the drinking got worse. He's used her as an excuse to drink. Everything is an excuse. I've taken on all the responsibility in the daily care taking of this baby. On top of working full time. He has a son who is over every other week, who is still reeling from the divorce of his father and mother (we left our spouses to be together), and who is needy beyond the norm. My AB still parents out of guilt and is terrible at setting boundaries with his kid or the ex, and so I literally have no help when he's over. Ab doesnt drink when son is over, not anymore. But every other day he does. I moved from a different state to be with him and have no family here. Between the drinking, the ex, the son, it's been very lonely for me. Until now.
I am blessed to have this child who has made this picture crystal clear for me. This last round of bingeing just sealed it. We passed him blacked out under the kitchen table, wine bottles, vodka and beer on the table. He'd cooked lentils and the kitchen was a complete mess. My daughter kept glancing at the man under the table and I thought, "I don't ever want her too see this again. And I don't either." Only one way to do that right?
Now of course he's being mr perfect. It's been a week since I told him I was leaving, and three weeks left until we board the plane to my parents. He's so good at being mr perfect I can feel the doubt creeping in, the tug in my heart, and the fear. I'm 42 years old with a soon-to-be toddler!! My head says go, but I'm getting scared. I know I will have all the support I need out there, and a lot more help. He'll be home soon from dropping off his son, airflow earlier than normal and I'm afraid he's gonna try and convince me to stay. He has so many times now in the last four years. Help!
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 41
Do what you need to do...
My daughter kept glancing at the man under the table and I thought, "I don't ever want her too see this again. And I don't either." Only one way to do that right?
Now of course he's being mr perfect. It's been a week since I told him I was leaving, and three weeks left until we board the plane to my parents. He's so good at being mr perfect I can feel the doubt creeping in, the tug in my heart, and the fear. I'm 42 years old with a soon-to-be toddler!! My head says go
I have been in an incredibly destructive relationship with an alcoholic/cocaine addict.... and sometimes he has been both... I've heard the "ill get it right this time, it won't happen again" speech about ten thousand times... and everytime he lied about quitting/relapsed....
I also know the "mr perfect" act as soon as i want to leave....
The fact of the matter is, that unlike me, you have a daughter now.... and you're right.... no kid should have to see that.... now I'm not saying you should leave..... i haven't been able to leave my destructive relationship with my addict/alcoholic boyfriend.... but i do believe that the stakes are somewhat higher for you.... if you do not know for a fact that there is a sure chance of him changing his ways.... do what would be best for your daughter. ....
But i do understand.... i dont know why I'm still with my BF after everything... goodluck 🌹
the problem is.......Mr Perfect is just an act for him.....something he can do short term only, when he feel his cushy life, built in baby sitter, housekeeper and, sigh, enabler are being threatened.
who uses their new baby as an EXCUSE to drink? alcoholics. who passes out under the kitchen table after drinking a concoction of wine, beer AND vodka?? alcoholics. who will surely drink again, especially if they can get things back to the status quo? alcoholics.
go be with your family.....if this man ever gets his sh!t together, then....maybe. but for now, you must, simply MUST, take care of you and the baby.....and let the chips fall where they may.
who uses their new baby as an EXCUSE to drink? alcoholics. who passes out under the kitchen table after drinking a concoction of wine, beer AND vodka?? alcoholics. who will surely drink again, especially if they can get things back to the status quo? alcoholics.
go be with your family.....if this man ever gets his sh!t together, then....maybe. but for now, you must, simply MUST, take care of you and the baby.....and let the chips fall where they may.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 7
Thank you all for replying, I can't tell you how much this has helped. Well he didn't come home early to disway me, but he did seem a bit desperate. He has no where to go and no money (even tho he makes three times more than I), so apparently he's going to stay with the ex!! She actually is going to allow him back into the house he left from. I mean, wtf?? I get that he has no money, that moving in with mother two hours away would be a pain in the ass, but move in with your ex wife and your child?? This just stinks of dysfunctional. He gets very upset when I brought that aspect up to him. I've since let it go. It's not my problem. He's been a little pushy about "reassessing" the situation in three to six months, and just wants to know if this is "forever " or if we have a chance. I told him I couldn't answer that right now and that I'm taking things day by day. He's lied so much in the past that I wonder if he wants to square us away so he can know how to be around the ex-- you know, like if I say it's over over, then maybe he'll butter her up or something. Doesn't matter, I told him the truth, tho deep down I think it is over over, in just not ready to process that yet. Sigh.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
The Scorpion and the Frog
A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the
scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The
frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion
says, "Because if I do, I will die too."
The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream,
the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of
paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,
but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"
Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."
If you stay, what will change? He left his wife for you and now will leave you for her. No change there. He's been in rehab multiple times and is drinking again. No change there. He can't set or respect boundaries. No change. He left his son and parents out of guilt, blames your baby for drinking. Status quo kid wise. He's lied in the past and probably is now. No change. "Mr. Perfect" will promise not to sting, but is there any indication anywhere that this would not be in his nature? The whole thing is dysfunctional, but look at it from her point of view, the ex may want HER family back together as much as you might want yours. Sounds like he's more ready to process than you are. The question really is, do want to keep this up for another 20 years? Do you want to get help for YOURSELF so that you can raise a strong healthy little girl? Do you want to search out your roots so you don't bring another dysfunctional man into her life? Good luck!
A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the
scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The
frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion
says, "Because if I do, I will die too."
The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream,
the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of
paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,
but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"
Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."
If you stay, what will change? He left his wife for you and now will leave you for her. No change there. He's been in rehab multiple times and is drinking again. No change there. He can't set or respect boundaries. No change. He left his son and parents out of guilt, blames your baby for drinking. Status quo kid wise. He's lied in the past and probably is now. No change. "Mr. Perfect" will promise not to sting, but is there any indication anywhere that this would not be in his nature? The whole thing is dysfunctional, but look at it from her point of view, the ex may want HER family back together as much as you might want yours. Sounds like he's more ready to process than you are. The question really is, do want to keep this up for another 20 years? Do you want to get help for YOURSELF so that you can raise a strong healthy little girl? Do you want to search out your roots so you don't bring another dysfunctional man into her life? Good luck!
Hi! I can relate a lot to your situation it seems. My daughter is almost 12 months. My husband's drinking absolutely spiralled out of control after she was born. And he too, would blame it on the stress of it all. Even though he was mostly too drunk to get up to her during the night etc. funny that!
He relapsed and is gone and has been for 2 months. When he left he was begging me for another chance but the funny thing is that I haven't heard from him for the whole time he has been gone. So try not to attach too much to his words... They are only words.
I am about to move back closer to my family for the support. Even though it's been tough on my own with my daughter for the last couple of months, I've been happier. It's more peaceful, there is no more unpredictability and no more angst for me about his drinking. I am definitely nervous about the future but I am truly starting to feel so much happier despite to roller coaster of emotions that such big decisions trigger.
I wish you luck, and it sounds like you are making a very good decision for you and your daughter.
He relapsed and is gone and has been for 2 months. When he left he was begging me for another chance but the funny thing is that I haven't heard from him for the whole time he has been gone. So try not to attach too much to his words... They are only words.
I am about to move back closer to my family for the support. Even though it's been tough on my own with my daughter for the last couple of months, I've been happier. It's more peaceful, there is no more unpredictability and no more angst for me about his drinking. I am definitely nervous about the future but I am truly starting to feel so much happier despite to roller coaster of emotions that such big decisions trigger.
I wish you luck, and it sounds like you are making a very good decision for you and your daughter.
I was also going to say that I had a "moment" similar to yours when I came out in the morning with my baby to find the back screen door off it's hinges on the ground, a pot plant knocked over, bottles knocked over and a disgusting mess in the kitchen.
I thought; wtf, a home is a sanctuary. I don't want to live like this.
I thought; wtf, a home is a sanctuary. I don't want to live like this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 7
Good morning everyone. My baby is still sleeping and thought I'd read through the posts. I'm so thankful for this forum right now. My roots, Duckygirl, go deep into dysfunction on so many levels (sexually abused as child, family history of alcoholism, co dependent and depressive mother), of which I'd had years and years of therapy for. Then more therapy in new city for the PTSD of living with an alcoholic. I finally hit my bottom two years ago with all the **** that went down during that time -- I was a mess, too. Drank with him, etc. after rehab I began to look at my own relationship with alcohol and my family's relationship with alcohol and I began to see the thread that bound us all. I wasn't going to have a child. That was going to be my way of having it end there, but after an abortion (AB pushed me into it), and I guess getting older and stronger, I decided for motherhood. Even tho I was unsure about the AB's sobriety, I told myself if I needed to I could raise this child on my own. I finally have a job where I can stand on my own two feet. It took me forever to learn that. Co dependent mother!! I was always looking for who would take care of me instead of taking care of myself. Of course the beautiful moments in this relationship rise to the surface like bobbing ice amidst a roiling sea, but boy have I nearly drowned. It's time for a change.
Hello racumb,
Thanks for sharing so much of your story here. You have had a hard start in life. If you want to break the cycle for your daughter, board the plane.
I would make every life decision based on putting your daughter in a secure and sane environment while you are raising her. Some of this will be a little 'fake it til you make it.'
I'll tell you a secret, almost every parent has moments of faking it. I think this sort of mindset will also help you grow and mature further.
Thanks for sharing so much of your story here. You have had a hard start in life. If you want to break the cycle for your daughter, board the plane.
I would make every life decision based on putting your daughter in a secure and sane environment while you are raising her. Some of this will be a little 'fake it til you make it.'
I'll tell you a secret, almost every parent has moments of faking it. I think this sort of mindset will also help you grow and mature further.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
You have fought through and overcome so much. The way to break the pattern is just not by having your darling little girl, it's by removing her from this deadly influence of your AB. Yes, you NEARLY drowned, but here you are!!its a new day for change! Let his ship go down if he wants! You do t have to go down with it!
This is a suggestion that was shared with years ago when I was trying to decide what was best for me ~
Take good honest look at your relationship with your AH and your life - no sugar coating, no what if's or could be's - just an honest admitting of what it is today.
Then take a look at your sweet daughter, that precious innocent face. . . imagine her 16, 17 years from now with a boyfriend, partner or husband just like your AH. What would you want her to do? What would you think is healthy for her?
For me, I realized I wanted my daughters to know they deserved better. The deserved respect, healthy love and to be honored by their mates. They needed their mother to stand up for that in their home, so they would look for that in their potential partner when they got older. . .
This is just my own experience, strength and hope ~ everyone has to walk their own path . . . for me I decided my girls & I were worth so much more.
Wishing you & your family the very best!
Take good honest look at your relationship with your AH and your life - no sugar coating, no what if's or could be's - just an honest admitting of what it is today.
Then take a look at your sweet daughter, that precious innocent face. . . imagine her 16, 17 years from now with a boyfriend, partner or husband just like your AH. What would you want her to do? What would you think is healthy for her?
For me, I realized I wanted my daughters to know they deserved better. The deserved respect, healthy love and to be honored by their mates. They needed their mother to stand up for that in their home, so they would look for that in their potential partner when they got older. . .
This is just my own experience, strength and hope ~ everyone has to walk their own path . . . for me I decided my girls & I were worth so much more.
Wishing you & your family the very best!
HUGS... I'm sorry you're going through this.
I can relate too. I have a 2 year old and a 3 year old. AH's drinking started to get out of control just after I found out I was pregnant with the second one.
And he too, used the stress of being a parent as an excuse to drink (one of his thousands of excuses).
I can't count how many times I left and came back / made him leave, and then let him come back. I couldn't stand the emotions that came along with it, but I regret it so much. I SO wish I would have just powered through.
YOU CAN DO THIS!! You know it's the right thing to do. It's going to be really hard for a while, but you can do it. We are here to support you!!
I can relate too. I have a 2 year old and a 3 year old. AH's drinking started to get out of control just after I found out I was pregnant with the second one.
And he too, used the stress of being a parent as an excuse to drink (one of his thousands of excuses).
I can't count how many times I left and came back / made him leave, and then let him come back. I couldn't stand the emotions that came along with it, but I regret it so much. I SO wish I would have just powered through.
YOU CAN DO THIS!! You know it's the right thing to do. It's going to be really hard for a while, but you can do it. We are here to support you!!
So I can't tell you what to do. But I can tell you I had, and tried to raise kids with an A. My youngest was 8 when I left the A.
Right now, I'm about $250,000 in debt for mental health treatment for the kids because of their traumatic childhood. And it's adding up faster than I can pay it off.
That's just the financial burden (and the reason I'm working full time in a **** job that I hate but that pays very well). Other consequences? I'm 50 but often get offered the "senior discount". My energy level is sleeping with the fishes.
You have to make the choices for your own life. If I had known then what I knew now, I would have left when I was pregnant with #1.
Right now, I'm about $250,000 in debt for mental health treatment for the kids because of their traumatic childhood. And it's adding up faster than I can pay it off.
That's just the financial burden (and the reason I'm working full time in a **** job that I hate but that pays very well). Other consequences? I'm 50 but often get offered the "senior discount". My energy level is sleeping with the fishes.
You have to make the choices for your own life. If I had known then what I knew now, I would have left when I was pregnant with #1.
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