Joli

Hello everyone.

I am back and still trying to figure out what to do with my situation. It is changing. My husband is functional alcoholic and stoner. He lost his job 2 weeks ago. He was not going to apply for unemployment, but finally did on Friday. My husband is retired at 55 and collecting his pension. The job was to provide extra spending money. But he lost the new job after 9 months. I did not want him to retire, but he did showing he would have new job and collect his pension too.

Now I am seeing plans to go retire full-time and not find job. The job loss threw him for a loop. He is drinking more beer, and has gone through his new bag of green in 1 1/2 weeks. It use to last 2 months.

Leaving him is complicated and involves splitting a lot of retirement assets and two real estate properties.

So how do I cope with basically a teenager with a car who likes to do whatever he please, when he pleases? Can I set ground rules for staying at home? I did not want a house husband! I am same age and should work another 10 years. I am so tempted to tell him to go live at cabin on 12 acres so he does not distract me while working.

Mango blast

Hi Joli,

Are you still working with a sponsor? I at first found it a little frustrating that my sponsor wouldn't give advice on what to do, but rather bring it back to small individual things I could do for myself. Yet that works. I've found that as I actively work my program, let go and let God, things become more clear about what I can do for my own healing and finding peace and serenity.

If you'd like time alone to take care of yourself, would he be willing to move to the cabin?

Do you want to stay with him, or are finances keeping you from leaving?

Joli

Hi keepingthefaith,

Yes, I still have a sponsor, but it feels like 2 months since we met. She has been really busy and told me she would let me know when we could meet again. So I am a little frustrated with my sponsor. I feel she is holding back hoping I will make a change. We are about to start Step 2, so have not got very far on the steps.

I still text her. This is the last response I received: Remember that life is about perceptions. You seem to "know" what AH is thinking and doing. AH seems to "know" what you are thinking and doing. This is a clear cut case of symbiosis on AH part. Why buy the cow when the milk is free? This is a case of 2 people living under the same roof and tolerating each other for different reasons. Your toleration deals with codependency issues, his deals with money issues!

I went to open AA meeting this morning, and bought book on daily meditations for codependency.

I am not sure if he would move to cabin full-time. Have not asked yet. My job is in jeopardy, and some of his actions distract me! I may need to point this out next counseling session and tell him to go to cabin by June! It is a really nice place, just no TV or WiFi.

searching peace

Joli, wi fi and cable are easy issues to solve. My stbxah lives at his hunting camp far away from any civilization. He has managed to have a dish and has just installed wifi. Technology is really amazing these days. I think your AH going to the cabin, if he will, would be fabulous for both of you! Keep yourself a priority and your recovery at the top of your list. This forum is great, alanon is a good thing to do! You are doing great by thinking things through before taking actions.

Mango blast

Good moves on having both a sponsor and counseling! Do you feel a different sponsor would be more beneficial? It's okay to change to someone else.

Are you able to get regular meetings in?

I used to think I couldn't make it to several meetings a week. Now I'm looking for ways to make it happen! I didn't see why it would make a difference. Now I'm trusting my sponsor when she reminds me the Big Book says "how" it works, not why it works.

I'm sorry to hear work is rough for you right now. Is the job satisfying or would some other job be healthier for you now?