Shame on myself and stupid
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Shame on myself and stupid
I found out he has a girlfriend. He mentioned nothing about this and gave the impression that he is sold focusing on his recovery. I need to be released from this man. He was my drug of choice. This recent finding is a true blessing for me to see my own stubbones and craziness I mean any sane person would have left the situation. I allowed him to treat me this way. I can't stop feeling shame on myself. He writes he cares about me and it's been nice keeping in touch! While all the time he has a girlfriend. He might never be single throughout our whole relationship. I was holding on an illusion because he claimed he cared about me so much. How stupid I was.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Sounds like one of those 'strangely wrapped gifts', you know? At least you know the truth, and can move forward.
I am sorry though for your hurt. It feels terrible when someone does this to us.
you are not alone... unfortunately, this happens all the time. but now you are wiser.
hugs,
chicory
I am sorry though for your hurt. It feels terrible when someone does this to us.
you are not alone... unfortunately, this happens all the time. but now you are wiser.
hugs,
chicory
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 43
This man was living in an illusion of an image of himself he created in his mind. The drug use made him believe the illusion was the reality. This is so subtle and different from someone who was just a player. Coz on the surface he seemed very genuine in his pursuit of me.
I am crazy. Many have advised me wisely to move on and put this one behind on this forum two years ago. I allowed him to drag my emotions for the past two years convinced that his recovery is going well and he needs to focus on himself.
I seriously need to work on myself why I have always been attracted to unavailable men.
I cannot imagine anyone's physco that they would do this to anyone while having a happy relationship in real life.
Why would he continue to feed me with he cares about me and event though we haven't seen each other for a while, it's been nice keeping in touch kind of talk. You could argue he doesn't want to hurt me and indeed cared about me. Then you will be dragged on forever. It's clear I will never get an honest closure from him. As long as I allow myself this type of attention from him, it will continue on. It's clear now this man is not emotionally mature.
It seems quite irrational. I never thought of someone could be capable of that. And from what I found out, they seem to be in a great relationship and he is sober.
It kind of an illusion that I thought I was the problem -I said something wrong. I was frustrated and I said something hurtful to him and that I didn't stick by his sides when he came out of rehab. That his physco is so fragile, that I hurt him deeply.
While at the same time, he is in love with someone.
And my initial response to this finding is bless him that he finds happiness. That I am happy for him
It made me realize I am insane. 3 years of wasted emotions and energies and unnessasry pain. All bound to "he loved and cared about me. He was just addicted and need recovery."
My experience should not be repeated by anyone. Save some heartache if a charming one with addiction wooed you and seemed to care about you so so much. Be guarded until he proves he can earn your trust and be sincere.
I am crazy. Many have advised me wisely to move on and put this one behind on this forum two years ago. I allowed him to drag my emotions for the past two years convinced that his recovery is going well and he needs to focus on himself.
I seriously need to work on myself why I have always been attracted to unavailable men.
I cannot imagine anyone's physco that they would do this to anyone while having a happy relationship in real life.
Why would he continue to feed me with he cares about me and event though we haven't seen each other for a while, it's been nice keeping in touch kind of talk. You could argue he doesn't want to hurt me and indeed cared about me. Then you will be dragged on forever. It's clear I will never get an honest closure from him. As long as I allow myself this type of attention from him, it will continue on. It's clear now this man is not emotionally mature.
It seems quite irrational. I never thought of someone could be capable of that. And from what I found out, they seem to be in a great relationship and he is sober.
It kind of an illusion that I thought I was the problem -I said something wrong. I was frustrated and I said something hurtful to him and that I didn't stick by his sides when he came out of rehab. That his physco is so fragile, that I hurt him deeply.
While at the same time, he is in love with someone.
And my initial response to this finding is bless him that he finds happiness. That I am happy for him
It made me realize I am insane. 3 years of wasted emotions and energies and unnessasry pain. All bound to "he loved and cared about me. He was just addicted and need recovery."
My experience should not be repeated by anyone. Save some heartache if a charming one with addiction wooed you and seemed to care about you so so much. Be guarded until he proves he can earn your trust and be sincere.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
ruthhoney,
Sometimes we hang on to 'dreams'. Perhaps he liked the attention, liked being so important to you, or didn't want to hurt you , yet genuinely cared.
Fact is, it does not matter. The fact is that you are not getting what you need. Perhaps you are beginning to let go, and move forward... it hurts but you will heal, and if you wish, you can find someone who can be present in your life. Someone who gives you more than kind words.
hugs to you, and hang in there. Its really good , for me, to write things out. sometimes it takes that for me to know just what I am really feeling. Honor your feelings, and take care of YOU.
hugs
chicory
Sometimes we hang on to 'dreams'. Perhaps he liked the attention, liked being so important to you, or didn't want to hurt you , yet genuinely cared.
Fact is, it does not matter. The fact is that you are not getting what you need. Perhaps you are beginning to let go, and move forward... it hurts but you will heal, and if you wish, you can find someone who can be present in your life. Someone who gives you more than kind words.
hugs to you, and hang in there. Its really good , for me, to write things out. sometimes it takes that for me to know just what I am really feeling. Honor your feelings, and take care of YOU.
hugs
chicory
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Originally Posted by ruthhoney 
I found out he has a girlfriend. He mentioned nothing about this and gave the impression that he is sold focusing on his recovery. I need to be released from this man. He was my drug of choice. This recent finding is a true blessing for me to see my own stubbones and craziness I mean any sane person would have left the situation. I allowed him to treat me this way. I can't stop feeling shame on myself. He writes he cares about me and it's been nice keeping in touch! While all the time he has a girlfriend. He might never be single throughout our whole relationship. I was holding on an illusion because he claimed he cared about me so much. How stupid I was.
You are not "stupid". You were duped by an addict. There is a difference between the two, and a big one. I am a highly educated man, but that didn't prevent me from getting duped by an addict.
When we care about someone, our first inclination is to give that person the benefit of the doubt. That's what you did. You wanted to see and believe the good stuff about him. But that's not the only part of him, and that's the part you're seeing and experiencing now.
It sucks, and I know you're hurt. At the same time, though, take a small step back and look at him with your eyes and your wise mind. See him for what he is. And then ask yourself if he's someone that is able to bring something positive to your life. It may just be the new girl has done you a favor by taking him off your hands.
Be safe.
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Ruth - I, too, was duped by a person I knew when met in our teens, dated in our 20's then went our separate ways (for 15+years) and he found me and pursued me 3 years ago. Professed his unconditional love, I was his soulmate, etc etc. I knew he did pills, but didn't even know what that meant at the time. Anyhow, it progressed to Heroin, he got in trouble with the law multiple times, was court ordered rehab....completed his rehab, and dumped me the day he got out. Started hooking up with a fellow rehab girl 15+ years younger than him and I don't think she's the only one. And he totally cut me out of his life - done, that's it...never looked back.
There's many of us on here that have pretty much the same story. I stayed for 3 years, partially because I didn't even have a clue what what going on, then when I learned it was Heroin and how serious, I tried everything in the world to try to get him to rehab/help, etc., I unknowingly subjected myself to countless lies, manipulation and just utter craziness. And, I like to think of myself as a kind, compassionate, intelligent woman....then all this happens and I'm thinking...how did it get this far, why did I stay and how the hell could he just throw me away like that? After reading and getting a lot of support here and at Alanon, I've learned, because that's just what happens sometimes....actually, many times.
It's been 3 months since he dumped me, and just last night, I woke up angry thinking about stuff he did to me and put me through. I've been trying so very hard all this time to just get over it, process my feelings and focus on getting my life in order. Then on the way to work today, I hear some new song about missing a friend who is now "on the other side" and I break down and cry. And, I do that, because, he's a Heroin addict. He could relapse and die, that is reality. But, maybe he will make it. I don't know, can't predict the future. All I know is I HAVE TO focus on me. That is the only person I can control. I don't want to hold anger in my heart for him, I don't want to be bitter. Life is short...and some way shorter than others. I don't accept what he has done in a good way, but I accept that it happened and I need to move on. And, mind knows that I am better off without him. I would never be happy with him, we don't share the same moral compass. My heart fights my head on that...but it is the truth and I know it. I'm hoping some day soon my heart learns this.
I'm really sorry for your pain. I don't know if my post helped or not. I'm not looking for a pity party...I just want to share that it's not uncommon to be duped by an addict and it is not a reflection on you. You aren't "insane" as you say, you sound like you have it together and are compassionate, rational, etc. and unfortunately this person is just focusing on himself and what he wants to do without regard to anyone else. And, it stinks. It hurts. It is incomprehensible to believe at times, I am sure.
One last note....it's highly unlikely the person he will turn into this dream guy for the new person just because he's sober and may on the surface look to be in a good relationship. After all, didn't you think the same thing in the beginning? I know I did. After what I've been through and read, I think sobriety sometimes brings out someone's TRUE character...or lack thereof. It's almost funny when I think how he actually treated me so much better when he was using....BUT only because he was manipulating me to get what he needed!! How messed up is that!! I realize that now. Please take care!! We are here for support! Hugs to you~
There's many of us on here that have pretty much the same story. I stayed for 3 years, partially because I didn't even have a clue what what going on, then when I learned it was Heroin and how serious, I tried everything in the world to try to get him to rehab/help, etc., I unknowingly subjected myself to countless lies, manipulation and just utter craziness. And, I like to think of myself as a kind, compassionate, intelligent woman....then all this happens and I'm thinking...how did it get this far, why did I stay and how the hell could he just throw me away like that? After reading and getting a lot of support here and at Alanon, I've learned, because that's just what happens sometimes....actually, many times.
It's been 3 months since he dumped me, and just last night, I woke up angry thinking about stuff he did to me and put me through. I've been trying so very hard all this time to just get over it, process my feelings and focus on getting my life in order. Then on the way to work today, I hear some new song about missing a friend who is now "on the other side" and I break down and cry. And, I do that, because, he's a Heroin addict. He could relapse and die, that is reality. But, maybe he will make it. I don't know, can't predict the future. All I know is I HAVE TO focus on me. That is the only person I can control. I don't want to hold anger in my heart for him, I don't want to be bitter. Life is short...and some way shorter than others. I don't accept what he has done in a good way, but I accept that it happened and I need to move on. And, mind knows that I am better off without him. I would never be happy with him, we don't share the same moral compass. My heart fights my head on that...but it is the truth and I know it. I'm hoping some day soon my heart learns this.
I'm really sorry for your pain. I don't know if my post helped or not. I'm not looking for a pity party...I just want to share that it's not uncommon to be duped by an addict and it is not a reflection on you. You aren't "insane" as you say, you sound like you have it together and are compassionate, rational, etc. and unfortunately this person is just focusing on himself and what he wants to do without regard to anyone else. And, it stinks. It hurts. It is incomprehensible to believe at times, I am sure.
One last note....it's highly unlikely the person he will turn into this dream guy for the new person just because he's sober and may on the surface look to be in a good relationship. After all, didn't you think the same thing in the beginning? I know I did. After what I've been through and read, I think sobriety sometimes brings out someone's TRUE character...or lack thereof. It's almost funny when I think how he actually treated me so much better when he was using....BUT only because he was manipulating me to get what he needed!! How messed up is that!! I realize that now. Please take care!! We are here for support! Hugs to you~
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Don't be so hard on yourself. You know when I see the words "focus on my recovery", and I have seen that A LOT on these boards, I admit my first thought is usually they have someone else. And I have been right 99% of the time. However, I have kept the thoughts to myself because I don't want to project my experience onto others or hurt anyone's feelings 
I know it sucks, I have been exactly where you are. Don't buy into your fantasy that he is riding off into the sunset and living happily ever after with someone else. Recovery is long and arduous work. I don't presume to know his situation, but chances are he is not all the sudden any different with this new girl than when you were dealing with him in the past. The more you focus on YOU and what your wants and needs are, the more perspective you will gain on the relationship. If nothing else, time is a great healer.
I know it sucks, I have been exactly where you are. Don't buy into your fantasy that he is riding off into the sunset and living happily ever after with someone else. Recovery is long and arduous work. I don't presume to know his situation, but chances are he is not all the sudden any different with this new girl than when you were dealing with him in the past. The more you focus on YOU and what your wants and needs are, the more perspective you will gain on the relationship. If nothing else, time is a great healer.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 43
Thanks Allmirages. I wholeheartedly feel what you feel. I now understand the self absorption part of addiction. They do not have genuine self esteem. They have to constantly seek from outside for validation and self approval. They project their dream personnel unto their mind. When the truth surfaces, it's extremely painful for them too look at themselves in reality, they would just throw away whatever and whoever causes their inner pain and find someone else or something else to obtain approval.
We cannot wait for them to give us a closure or linger on to what could have been withou drug addiction. We have to move on and love ourselves.
This finding broke my bondage. I gained so many perspectives through this painful experience of this finding. I was like you had no clue what was going on and out of genuine care for him helped him into rehab. He also treated me much better when addicted. But still treated me well but only on his terms and only when he wanted. Coz he was not reliable and couldn't follow through anything. The truth is they are wrapped up with lies. Until they are willing to face the true self and truly repent and grow in recovery, they will always try to look externally for validation. And we need to face reality and be freed from the addict and what could have happened with an addict. Hugs and lots of blessings!
We cannot wait for them to give us a closure or linger on to what could have been withou drug addiction. We have to move on and love ourselves.
This finding broke my bondage. I gained so many perspectives through this painful experience of this finding. I was like you had no clue what was going on and out of genuine care for him helped him into rehab. He also treated me much better when addicted. But still treated me well but only on his terms and only when he wanted. Coz he was not reliable and couldn't follow through anything. The truth is they are wrapped up with lies. Until they are willing to face the true self and truly repent and grow in recovery, they will always try to look externally for validation. And we need to face reality and be freed from the addict and what could have happened with an addict. Hugs and lots of blessings!
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