maybear

Well I found a house to buy near my parents a long way away from where I am now. The place is perfect.
A lot of changes will now be taking place. Do you guys think I should tell my MIA husband (not heard from in a couple of months and said he will contact me when he is better). He is not in treatment or trying to be.
Should I tell him of my plans to move with our 1 year old even though he has made no attempt to contact me or see her?

Duckygirl1

Why? I mean, what would you hope to accomplish? He has showed no interest in you or his little girl. You have so much to look forward to and build now. You've found a lovely new home the only things missing is rats? No, dear one. Invite no chaos into your home. If he gets sober and is able to bring something positive to your lives, maybe. Until then, enjoy your new life and don't worry about him any more than he's worrying about you. That is to say, not at all.

maia1234

I agree with Ducky!!

He doesn't share where he is or what he is doing. Sometimes we are just to nice.

Let him find you, his loss!!

ladyscribbler

You might want to talk to a lawyer about a custody agreement, just to be on the safe side. I moved out of state with our son (he knew and consented, we also weren't married) and it was all fine until a few months ago when he got married and started feeling entitled.
So now it's 18 months since I left and I'm facing a protracted custody battle with an active alcoholic and his enabling wife who has completely involved herself in the situation. They've basically started using the legal system as a way to harass and punish me, with the added threat of taking off with my son.
In hindsight I wish I had done something sooner, while he was too drunk to know which way was up and before he married this instigator. Of course I think I still had the idea that once I left he would HAVE to get sober because his life would fall apart without me. (Feel free to roll your eyes- of course that was pre-Alanon me)

FeelingGreat

maybear, I think you should send him a written change of address and contact details because you have a child together. If he gets it together in the future, it will show that you acted with good will and responsibility towards him, and in contrast he went MIA. It will be in your favour in any custody arrangements after he's been though rehab.

From what his friends have said, he's losing touch with the real world and as angry as you are, it's not in anyone's interest for this to end in tragedy. Maybe the reminder that there is still something to live for (his child) might help him. Not suggesting he's suicidal or anything, but at the moment he's just not connecting.

maybear

Thanks everyone for the great advice.

FeelingGreat, my gut feeling was that I should tell him where we are. I don't want this to end in tragedy, I really do want him to be a healthy part of our child's life if he does get better one day. She deserves that. That's why it's so hard for me to go, I feel like I am taking her away from her dad but as he is, he is not a Dad really. At least if he ever gets it together, he will know where she is If he wants a relationship with her. And if he really wants to see her he will.

FeelingGreat

Maybear, even though he's at the bottom of a pit right now, you never know what the future will bring. I hope he does recover enough to be a presence in his daughter's life.

marie1960

Definitely consult with an attorney, he can advise you on the laws of your state.

Abandonment, comes to mind, MIA for months? Is he sending support ? Seems as if it applies. Would hate for him to magically reappear, and claim you kidnapped the child. ( crazy stuff like this happens, and before you know it you are the one standing in front of the judge, explaining.............)

I certainly would NOT be sharing any info with him, all that is doing is handing him ammunition to use on you at his convenience. (unless you think telling him will have some magical power, and he will come running home?)

honeypig

I don't have any firsthand knowledge here, but it certainly seems to me that those who are counseling you to get legal advice are on the right track. I'm sure that he has some kind of legal rights, which you don't want to violate, but he also has some kind of legal responsibilities, which he is not fulfilling. Talking to an attorney could save you a lot of pain and expense later on, I'd think. Better to inform yourself about any possible repercussions before making any permanent changes like moving...

maybear

Ok I've got an appointment with Legal Aid on Wednesday morning. I found out that usually in Australia these matters are first dealt with by dispute resolution but you can apply for an exemption under certain circumstances like mental health or alcohol because in that case, mediation would be useless. I think if they grant me the exemption I will then apply for a relocation order.
What a pain in the butt having to go through all this.