healthyagain

So, I will be filing for divorce as soon as I save money. Doing well so far considering $2000 in taxes left, and that should be paid off in June. The atmosphere at home is ughhhhh as usual. At least no fighting.

Now, I am wondering how soon people can move out? Is there any legal catch? I've read online that just moving out is not always a good idea. Do I file and then move out? Is there any certain timeline?

I've been looking for apartments/houses and with a bit of luck might find something before July/August. This is of course secret, but I do not think I can secretly move out.

He is still not getting it. Still in his "there-is-nothing-to-eat-in-this-dang-house, whaaaaa" mode.

Thumper

I think that is totally state dependent. Some states make divorce a nightmare - others not so much. You can probably get one free insult with an attorney.

lillamy

I would consult a lawyer -- most lawyers will do a consult without charge, and you can find out what you can do. Like, for example -- do you have to wait till you can pay a lawyer, or can you separate now and have him move out? Do you lose anything by leaving yourself? Etc.

healthyagain

When I went to talk to attorney, unfortunately I was only thinking about the cost and if it is even possible, so I did not ask. My AH during one of the fights told me that we are "not even married" because we married abroad in "just some courthouse." Now, of course that is BS, but it really destroyed me, so when I went to see the attorney, I was a bit of a disoriented mess. But my decision to divorce was made that night.

And then there is the good old "just take your dog and leave" line. And I glaaaaadly would if I had a place to go. But there should be no rush. And there must be some catch.

searching peace

There are some attorneys that you can hire that won't charge you if you qualify. You can check on line under your states DV website. Even if you are not in a DV situation, these attorneys help all kinds of people. Also some attys will not make you pay up front. They will request atty fees in the divorce settlement and take their fee then. My Atty quoted me $1,000 less retainer the second time I went than he had quoted me 10 months earlier.
I apologize for not remembering but do you own your home with your AH? If you own your home and you move out, you could loose half the equity. But ask the atty. And don't feel bad for being scattered they are all used to women and men going through divorces and coming in emotional and very scattered.
Again, I apologize for not remembering your exact living situation. I am lucky I remember my own name these days.

healthyagain

Searching peace, please do not apologize. (hugs)

It is not easy to be rational when dealing with brain games. And, oh boy, do they toy with us.

We live in an apartment and pay rent. I will be the one moving out since hubby knows the landlady, worked for her ("I'll tell so-and-so to kick your a** out. You will not be prancing round here.") It is not that I am afraid, because I am sure she will not deal with our crap, and if he pisses her off, we will both fly out. He thinks he has some connections or something.

I think I will call next week and ask about the payment options. It is good to know. And I told them I'll call them back after I figure out taxes.

searching peace

I know a little of what you are going through. My stbxah told me our marriage wasn't real because we were married at the court house. I asked him over and over to renew our vows in the church but he never would. I guess if we had he wouldn't have anything to hold over my head. He also always kicked me and my kids out of his "homes" In fact that is what happened the night of his arrest and the last night he was allowed by police back in "his house". You are strong and are thinking very clearly. You will do great!!!

lizatola

I second this advice because every state is different. I live in AZ and here there were no ramifications to my leaving our marital home. I did consult with 3 lawyers for free before I made the decision to walk away.

And, for what it's worth, I'm sorry for your situation. I just moved out in February and I've found great peace in being in my own home and not walking on eggshells anymore. But, the path to get here was rocky and sometimes weeds grew in the crevices where I thought there should be wlldflowers. HUGS!

Refiner

The 2 husbands trying to pull the "we aren't even married" thing are full of CRAP. My current husband and I were married by a NOTARY who's license was due to expire the end of the month and it's all perfectly legal.

dandylion

healthy....there are some good websites that discuss divorce issues. One, in particular, called Woman'sDivorce.com might be worth your checking out.....

dandylion

honeypig

OK, I'm sorry to veer off topic here, but this made me laugh really hard...

I'd like to add that those who are saying to talk to an attorney are making a valid point, in my experience. My A and I were doing a pro se divorce, since we have no kids, no debt, and no disagreement about property. I started proceedings, then got very nervous that I'd make a mistake and things would drag on. I got a free consult w/an attorney and it was SO worth it. After hearing my story, she suggested that I consider legal separation rather than divorce if health insurance was going to be an issue for me (my job offers no benefits at all), as I could continue on my A's insurance thru his job if he was amenable. Since even the cheapest government health insurance would cost me $250 a month and insurance thru his job is less than half that, this is an important savings for me. My main concerns were financial separation from him, and the separation does that for me.

She also suggested that we do a "consult only" relationship, if I was concerned about my ability to properly file all the papers, etc. This also saved me a ton of money since I was only paying her to review my paperwork for completeness, not to fill it out, file it, and spend expensive time appearing in court w/me when there was no need for any of that in my situation.

The separation went thru w/o a hitch at minimum cost and now she is preparing the papers to return ownership of the house to me alone. Soon that will be done and life can move on in a more normal fashion (I hope).

So the point of all this is that your needs are likely quite unique, depending on what state you live in and your exact financial, property and child situation. I felt that the $$ I spent on the lawyer were VERY worth it, and I think you would be wise to at least take the consult and see. There may be options and info you'd never imagine on your own.

Good luck.

dandylion

honeypig.....I was laughing. also. I can think of a lot of jokes to make from this.......


dandylion

Thumper

OMG. bwahahaha. I didn't even notice. I should never reply with my phone. That was a funny one.

healthyagain

Well, if Jimmy John's can have "free smells," I can see attorneys having "free insults" flashing signs. Why not?

Honestly, it would be more suitable for me first to file and then to move out for many pragmatic reasons. I work at home, and do not feel like being the one who disappears, although I have many good reasons for that. Then, if people start asking questions, he cannot manipulate and lie about me if I am still around. And I like our landlady a lot (he is afraid of her). If I just leave, then I'll be the shady one. It is not that I care what anyone says, but this is a small community and I have no friends or family to rely on. And when in hurry, you can also make many mistakes.

So thank you for your advice! I so appreciate everything you say.

healthyagain

Oh, we are married. That's for sure. But not in church, and he was "indirectly" pointing to it.

He did not mind "not" being married when I got the car loan. So yea, total BS.

searching peace

Healthy again,
You are being very smart! I completely agree with you. When I was trying to get out of my home, I made a ton of mistakes. I'm sure I'm still making them. Being rushed and plus dealing with someone that isn't rational or normal can lead to so many mistakes. You are doing great and I admire how methodical you are being! Keep up the good work!

Joli

Hi, I applaud you getting your ducks in a row.

I live in Texas and we own a home. My attorney told me last year if I moved out of the house, my husband could get me for abandonment and I would risk losing the house equity. I was advised to file, then appear in court for temporary orders on who would remain in the house. If the situation became dicey, move into other bedroom, or have safety bag packed to go to local women's shelter.

My petition was dismissed by the court, so I would need to refile.

Seren

I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong, but in some states, just packing up and leaving is considered abandoning the home...why may mean your financial or legal interest in the home would be reduced or forfeited.

I think another free consult would certainly be worth the effort!

Aeryn

It depends on the situation - for me I was the primary money maker (I made double what STBXAH did) and in my state that meant I needed to establish a date of separation ASAP....which is usually done by leaving with clear intent on never returning. What that did for me was stop any alimony claims as of the date of separation...my STBXAH is too proud anyway but I needed to protect myself.

So that said I go with the others who recommended consulting an attorney.

PS - we were renters so the house thing wasn't an issue I don't know if that would have changed things.

healthyagain

We are exactly equal when it gets to money making. I do not expect any money from him or anything. What I expected never happened and never will. He is incapable of giving it (romance, family, warmth, reliability), and I understand now and accept it. This is why I have to move on.

But my problem is that he will not let go so easily and we sure can fight. And it is toxic on so many levels. So I am wondering, to leave as women leave abusive relationships, move out while he is at work, or take time and do things slowly. And I think I'll go slowly, keep detaching, stay out of his way, and create financial security. Then when I finally file and tell him, if he goes ballistic, I'll have my little den ready.

And it is not even alcoholism. That does not even matter anymore.