vera1976

Hi, I'm new here, actually this is a lot harder for me to write this than I thought it would be. I'm 28 and female, I started going to AA meetings about 3 years ago but after 6 months of going I stopped because I thought I could do this by myself. I did pretty well for about a year but got seriously drunk one night and it really scared me into going again. I guess one of the problems I have is I never have actually got a sponsor, someone to call when I feel that urge, someone that just understands what I'm going through.

Yesterday was my last day at my old job and everyone wanted to meet at the pub to celebrate. All day at work I worried about this because I really wanted to go but I knew exactly what was going to happen if I did go. My "friends" would buy me drinks and I wouldn't be able to stop after taking just one drink.

I didn't want to dissapoint my friends though so I went. I had it firmly placed in my mind that I would only have a coke and I did at first. I felt really out of it and strange doing that, my friends were making fun of my pop and wanted to buy me a real drink. The thing is I really wanted to drink when I walked into that bar so it didn't take much persuading. I ended up getting drunk again. I'm sitting here this morning extremely disappointed in my weakness and my inability to tell my friends no.

I want to go back to AA but I'm afraid of people's reactions to me "returning" again. I guess I wanted to pretend I didn't have a problem because it's not like I drink every day, I'm a binge drinker, when I do drink I just can't stop. Drinking makes me feel comfortable with who I am, I feel beautiful and confidant. It's very hard for me to feel this way sober. I'm going to try and force myself to find a meeting tonight and actually go to it. It's going to be so hard but I know I have to do it. Thanks for listening to me vent, I didn't think it would be such an emotional experience just writing this but it was

1Marty

Hi Vera, thanks for sharing that experience with us. AA will always welcome you back in. Since you have left, and went back out on your own for sometime. You will have an even greater message to share with someone else at the meeting who may be struggling. You proved it to yourself that it is very dificult to go it alone, and you have admited that you need a support system. Binge drinkers, or daily drinkers - both are destructive forms of drinking. So hit hit meetings, talk with others before/after the metings. Look for other ladies who "have what you want". Ask about sponsorship. Someone should be very happy to help out. Welcome to SR and welcome back to the AA fellowship!

kmarie

Hi Vera - I felt I had to respond because you sound sooo much like I do. I too was a serious binge drinker and felt that I could only respond, be charming and beautiful to people when I drank. Now that I look back, the binges became an everday thing and more and more of a problem. I do go to ocassional AA meetings, not as many as I should, and I too have not gotten a sponser. I haven't had a drink in 24 days but I can tell you that it's always on my mind. At times I have to force myself to go to a meeting when it's the last thing in the world I want to do. Even though I never want to go, when I leave I always manage to get something out of it. Even if it's just an uplift of spirit. I know what you're going through and I guess I just wanted you to know that I'm here. I'm not sure I have any advice about your friends though. In the past month, I've isolated myself from those who drink because I know I'm not strong enough to say no yet and I'm not sure that isolation is the healthiest thing either. Try not to feel so guilty about that night. Nobody is perfect and today is a new day. You'll do it =)

Kelly

Anna

Hi Vera,

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us!

You said 'my friends were making fun of my pop and wanted to buy me a real drink'. In my opinion, those are not your friends!

I think a lot of addicts feel uncomfortable in their skin and in social situations. I know drinking made social situations more comfortable for me, but still, I'd rather feel a little nervous than go down that road again. I think stopping drinking means facing a lot of feelings that we've been ignoring and hiding. Now, I go out less often and I enjoy being with myself a lot more.

You should not feel awkward to go back to AA if that is your choice. I'm sure you'd receive a warm welcome and lots of support. Keep posting.

Love, Anna

lulu70

Hey, Vera. Welcome to SR!!! You sound so much like me. I was also a binge drinker, although toward the end my binges would last all weekend long. Today I am celbrating 6 months clean and sober (I also smoked alot of pot). It is not all sunshine and roses, but it is soooooo much better than it was.

I wonder if you have been honest with your friends about your desire to stop drinking. I found that my friends have been extremely supportive--they were actually pretty aware of my problem.

As far as AA, they will welcome you back with open arms. I also went to AA about 11 years ago. I got a sponsor in name only and did nothing about working the steps. After about 6 months I, too, decided I could do it alone and stopped going to meetings. Within a year I was drinking again. I stayed away from AA for so long because I was ashamed that I could not stay sober. Now I realize that was just plain silly. MANY people come in and out of AA over and over before they finally get sober. Some make it the first time (although in my experience it is not many) and some never make it. We just have to take it one day at a time and not take that first drink.

Go to a meeting, be honest, speak up about your fears. You will get the support you need.

Keep posting--we are glad you are here!!! Hugs to you--