My Story Part 1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 29
My Story Part 1
It's been a while since I've written anything on SR. Maybe since 2013? It's been a bumpy road since then, but I'm happy to say I've now got 105 days sober.
I realized I had a drinking problem in January 2010. Up to that point I had been a big drinker, of course, but that was the first time I literally woke up to the fact that my relation with booze was totally out of control.
The first thing I did upon this realization was quit booze for 3 months. It was good. I experienced a taste of that peace and clarity and consistency that comes from sobriety. I did not go to AA, though, and treated the whole thing as a "break from booze" instead of what I really needed, which was to stop altogether.
After the three months was up I headed to the bar with some friends and ordered a whiskey. I used to down that stuff like water. This time, in my newly clean and sober system, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember being amazed that I had built up a tolerance to something so potent, and recall thinking I didn't want to go down that road again.
It didn't take long, a few weeks maybe, before I was a long way down that road and then some. One night of drinking led to the next day's hangover, the pain of which was tempered by another consecutive night of drinking, which resulted in another hungover, which demanded more drinking, etc etc etc. The vicious cycle just took over. Seductively at first, then insistent, demanding and overpowering.
I realized I had a drinking problem in January 2010. Up to that point I had been a big drinker, of course, but that was the first time I literally woke up to the fact that my relation with booze was totally out of control.
The first thing I did upon this realization was quit booze for 3 months. It was good. I experienced a taste of that peace and clarity and consistency that comes from sobriety. I did not go to AA, though, and treated the whole thing as a "break from booze" instead of what I really needed, which was to stop altogether.
After the three months was up I headed to the bar with some friends and ordered a whiskey. I used to down that stuff like water. This time, in my newly clean and sober system, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember being amazed that I had built up a tolerance to something so potent, and recall thinking I didn't want to go down that road again.
It didn't take long, a few weeks maybe, before I was a long way down that road and then some. One night of drinking led to the next day's hangover, the pain of which was tempered by another consecutive night of drinking, which resulted in another hungover, which demanded more drinking, etc etc etc. The vicious cycle just took over. Seductively at first, then insistent, demanding and overpowering.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 29
Continued.... (Part 2)....
That 3 months in 2010 was my longest period of sobriety since my latest effort in 2015. In the intervening years I had many spurts of 2 to 6 weeks, but nothing beyond that. I went to AA a handful of times but never committed to it. Just poked my head in after some bad episodes and that was it. I wasn't ready.
Things got worse. A small cocaine habit became a big one. I started to amass a collection of embarrassing memories courtesy of my drinking. Just as bad were the collection of shameful memories resulting from nights when I was drinking or using by myself.
I got kicked out of bars.
I slept with people indiscriminately.
I said obnoxious things to my in laws while drunk.
I got embarrassingly plastered at a work party.
I passed out in the lobby of my corporate housing while on a freelance job and got called into my supervisors office the next day to explain.
I lay awake in my hotel room at 6am with my heart pounding from cocaine, staring at the ceiling and hating life, a situation I often found myself in and one that resulted in me curling up in the fetal position of many hotel showers.
I snorted cocaine in the bathroom of my sister's house on Easter Sunday.
I spoiled many vacations from being too hungover everyday to enjoy them.
I gained a reputation among my co workers for doing lots of cocaine.
One day I had a wonderful thing happen in my career (shocking, given the fact that I was such a mess). What did I do to celebrate? I went out and got so drunk that the next morning I vomited all over myself in the shower. Still, I kept on drinking.
That 3 months in 2010 was my longest period of sobriety since my latest effort in 2015. In the intervening years I had many spurts of 2 to 6 weeks, but nothing beyond that. I went to AA a handful of times but never committed to it. Just poked my head in after some bad episodes and that was it. I wasn't ready.
Things got worse. A small cocaine habit became a big one. I started to amass a collection of embarrassing memories courtesy of my drinking. Just as bad were the collection of shameful memories resulting from nights when I was drinking or using by myself.
I got kicked out of bars.
I slept with people indiscriminately.
I said obnoxious things to my in laws while drunk.
I got embarrassingly plastered at a work party.
I passed out in the lobby of my corporate housing while on a freelance job and got called into my supervisors office the next day to explain.
I lay awake in my hotel room at 6am with my heart pounding from cocaine, staring at the ceiling and hating life, a situation I often found myself in and one that resulted in me curling up in the fetal position of many hotel showers.
I snorted cocaine in the bathroom of my sister's house on Easter Sunday.
I spoiled many vacations from being too hungover everyday to enjoy them.
I gained a reputation among my co workers for doing lots of cocaine.
One day I had a wonderful thing happen in my career (shocking, given the fact that I was such a mess). What did I do to celebrate? I went out and got so drunk that the next morning I vomited all over myself in the shower. Still, I kept on drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 56
Similiar story here. I know those mornings at 6am trying to figure out how much time i had until i had to see colleagues. So very bad. Glad to hear your story. Loud AV tonight and came here to remeber why i quit. I was a whiskey and coke - in that order- guy also. Thanks and good luck.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 8
😀Thank you so much for sharing I have so many shameful memories that it's rediculous. I remember parting with my ex on Christmas eve and I woke up Christmas morning without him and my car because he took off in it to go br with my kids which my mother had custody of at the time. I am really proud of you. My first addiction was meth now I am learning how to live without alcohol and other pets cited stimulants but, I know what you went through.Thanks for sharing.
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