Just learned that Mom is an alcoholic
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1
Just learned that Mom is an alcoholic
I just found out yesterday that my mom has been an alcoholic my entire life. I am 27 years old. She has hid it well behind other health problems, and I truly never suspected a thing. When she told me on the phone yesterday, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. My mind is racing- I feel so awful for her, and selfishly, I feel so betrayed. This is devastating. She has a pre-existing medical condition (which could have been caused by this, I imagine) and alcohol could compromise her immune system and kill her. How could she play games with her life like this???
Thinking about the last few years especially, it makes sense. So many unexplained bruises and wounds, sleepwalking, slurred words from "medication", stomach problems, anger....I cannot believe I didn't put things together before this.
I am feeling completely overwhelmed. How am I ever going to trust her again? How can I trust her with my future children? How can I support my Dad, who has been dealing with this alone for 30 years? How can I look her in the eye and not make her feel the anger that I'm feeling inside? How can I learn to see these signs in my siblings, who already show signs of addictive tendencies?
Thinking about the last few years especially, it makes sense. So many unexplained bruises and wounds, sleepwalking, slurred words from "medication", stomach problems, anger....I cannot believe I didn't put things together before this.
I am feeling completely overwhelmed. How am I ever going to trust her again? How can I trust her with my future children? How can I support my Dad, who has been dealing with this alone for 30 years? How can I look her in the eye and not make her feel the anger that I'm feeling inside? How can I learn to see these signs in my siblings, who already show signs of addictive tendencies?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum issalove!! 
I can relate to many of those feelings,my dad was an alcoholic, I guess though was she admitting to it in a good way, as she was seeking help, because that's something my dad never did, never was honest and admitted that he even had a problem, admitting is the first step in getting help.
You'll find loads of support here on SR are though for yourself, I attended Al-Anon and Alateen when I was younger, both are great resources too!!
I can relate to many of those feelings,my dad was an alcoholic, I guess though was she admitting to it in a good way, as she was seeking help, because that's something my dad never did, never was honest and admitted that he even had a problem, admitting is the first step in getting help.
You'll find loads of support here on SR are though for yourself, I attended Al-Anon and Alateen when I was younger, both are great resources too!!
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 29
Hi issalove! I'm pretty new around here but can relate. Lots of stuff didn't surface in my family until later in my life. I just learned details about my mom's upbringing in an abusive household. Like, just a few weeks ago. I'm 37.
In some ways, I have felt like, well, for example, it's good that family members didn't tell me when I was younger that people all over town knew my dad kept them waiting in the dentist chair because he had to go in the back and do a few lines of coke, but, I mean, I don't know. That feeling of being kept in the dark or getting steamrolled out of nowhere is tough.
I think it is great that you want to support your dad, but, in my humble Internet opinion, you need to find the support and care for yourself first. Kind of like airplane face masks. I think it's a typical behavior of adult children of alcoholics to want to take care of everyone first (I am speaking from my personal experience), but you can and should put your needs first. So hard sometimes, but really important.
In some ways, I have felt like, well, for example, it's good that family members didn't tell me when I was younger that people all over town knew my dad kept them waiting in the dentist chair because he had to go in the back and do a few lines of coke, but, I mean, I don't know. That feeling of being kept in the dark or getting steamrolled out of nowhere is tough.
I think it is great that you want to support your dad, but, in my humble Internet opinion, you need to find the support and care for yourself first. Kind of like airplane face masks. I think it's a typical behavior of adult children of alcoholics to want to take care of everyone first (I am speaking from my personal experience), but you can and should put your needs first. So hard sometimes, but really important.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Hi issalove. it's great you found SR now, and not a week or a month or a year after you found out about your mom. i found out when i was just a little older than you, but only because my mom's addictions became un-hideable - i have no idea really how long the liquor or the pills were a problem, and i'm sure i never will.
things i wish i had known straight off:
-i didn't cause it, i can't cure it, and i can't control it. almost every time tension and sadness build up, coming back to this usually gave me at least some solace - so does going to an al-anon meeting.
-codependence is not about being clingy to your boy/girlfriend - it's a disabling condition that prevents me from taking care of myself, which i developed from 'taking care of' and responding to my mothers addiction. codependence recovery has been a blessed ongoing event in my life, and i so wish i'd found it when i was still dealing with my AM (alcoholic mother). if i'm not taking care of myself, i can't be there for the other important people in my life. Codependency - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
-alcoholism is a disease i knew nothing about - less than nothing because i had to unlearn myths. if your mom is an active alcoholic, there's not going to be any reasoning with her about anything.
-there's a huge learning curve. at first it feels like life is flowing over a cliff like a waterfall. things will smooth out, it's hard to absorb so much new information at once and it feels like all the air is getting sucked out of the room. life is still going at the same speed - it's the same river. take care of yourself.
things i wish i had known straight off:
-i didn't cause it, i can't cure it, and i can't control it. almost every time tension and sadness build up, coming back to this usually gave me at least some solace - so does going to an al-anon meeting.
-codependence is not about being clingy to your boy/girlfriend - it's a disabling condition that prevents me from taking care of myself, which i developed from 'taking care of' and responding to my mothers addiction. codependence recovery has been a blessed ongoing event in my life, and i so wish i'd found it when i was still dealing with my AM (alcoholic mother). if i'm not taking care of myself, i can't be there for the other important people in my life. Codependency - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
-alcoholism is a disease i knew nothing about - less than nothing because i had to unlearn myths. if your mom is an active alcoholic, there's not going to be any reasoning with her about anything.
-there's a huge learning curve. at first it feels like life is flowing over a cliff like a waterfall. things will smooth out, it's hard to absorb so much new information at once and it feels like all the air is getting sucked out of the room. life is still going at the same speed - it's the same river. take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
It's great that at least she told you herself, that shows some aspect of being on the journey of healing. It might be a long journey and you will be going with whether you like it or not. Lots of good advice on this thread. Welcome.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Welcome, though I'm sorry you've had need to find us. My mother has been drinking longer than I've been alive, and it's never been a secret (to us in the immediate family). I can tell you with certainty that there is no trust when you're dealing with an alcoholic. You cannot trust her with your future children unless she sobers up and works a program. Unfortunately, there isn't a thing you can do to control whether or not she chooses to do either of those things. Find help for yourself in understanding this cunning disease as soon as possible. Especially if you plan on having children.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by issalove 
I just found out yesterday that my mom has been an alcoholic my entire life. I am 27 years old. She has hid it well behind other health problems, and I truly never suspected a thing. When she told me on the phone yesterday, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. My mind is racing- I feel so awful for her, and selfishly, I feel so betrayed. This is devastating. She has a pre-existing medical condition (which could have been caused by this, I imagine) and alcohol could compromise her immune system and kill her. How could she play games with her life like this???
Thinking about the last few years especially, it makes sense. So many unexplained bruises and wounds, sleepwalking, slurred words from "medication", stomach problems, anger....I cannot believe I didn't put things together before this.
I am feeling completely overwhelmed. How am I ever going to trust her again? How can I trust her with my future children? How can I support my Dad, who has been dealing with this alone for 30 years? How can I look her in the eye and not make her feel the anger that I'm feeling inside? How can I learn to see these signs in my siblings, who already show signs of addictive tendencies?
Thinking about the last few years especially, it makes sense. So many unexplained bruises and wounds, sleepwalking, slurred words from "medication", stomach problems, anger....I cannot believe I didn't put things together before this.
I am feeling completely overwhelmed. How am I ever going to trust her again? How can I trust her with my future children? How can I support my Dad, who has been dealing with this alone for 30 years? How can I look her in the eye and not make her feel the anger that I'm feeling inside? How can I learn to see these signs in my siblings, who already show signs of addictive tendencies?
"I cannot believe I didn't put things together before this." I thought the same too, but by my own experience and that of others who have shared... it's not uncommon.
I remember when the 'penny dropped' regarding my Mum - it was horrible, I realised that what I thought was my reality was part of my delusion and denial. It's a tough thing to reconcile. In that context ACA has helped me greatly.
Playing games with my life happened to me because I was powerless over alcohol. I suspect the same is true for my Mother... from how she has described her relatoinship to alcohol to me, in her current condition, I identify with her description of the drinking experience.
"How can I trust her with my future children?" Who knows what will happen in the future - she may recover, she may not. Choice will depend partly on that, or at least it did for me. I never knowingly let my Mum look after my children drunk, but I did 'look after' (poor choice of phrase) when I was!
"How can I look her in the eye and not make her feel the anger that I'm feeling inside?" I used to find that a little difficult (look in the eye) but I know that I can't make her feel anything, I'm not responsible for her feelings.
"How can I learn to see these signs in my siblings, who already show signs of addictive tendencies?"
I don't have siblings acting out in addiction, but they do act out in other ways... I remind myself this; I am not responsible to manage their life. I know for certain that there was nothing anyone but myself could do with my addiction except detach with love and this is my preferred solution in that regard.
All the best
M
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