For Today I feel like I am just existing...sigh...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
For Today I feel like I am just existing...sigh...
I am feeling pretty awful today. I keep telling myself this too will pass but for now I need a little extra boost from my SR friends.
I went to Al Anon yesterday and started out with ' I am in a pretty good place today' only that to back Fire on me big time by the end of the day and have got up today feeling, angry, resentful, tearful and disheartened.
Nothing unusual happened I just think I am allowing myself to feel my feelings and really see the reality of the situation I am in.
And it sucks big time!
I took my girls to my nephews birthday party yesterday and we had a nice few hours there with my sister and my BIL and a few other family members. My sister has a tendency to dismiss things I say and be a little sharp with her responses to me at times, which although I find a little unnecessary and irritating it is just the way she is. We are like chalk and cheese but I realise it is ok to be different. She doesn't mean any harm by it and has previously apologised and said she is working on it so I just need to accept this.
However yesterday this set me off. I didn't say anything to her as I think it set me off because of how I was feeling about other stuff. Anyway we left around 7 came home to AH who was as usual hooking into the beer, he does this from 6.30pm every night 365 days a year. It is not nice to live with atall.
He is the happy drunk till about 8pm, talking 'at me' about his day and his work and what he thinks bladey bladdey blah. He did ask me how my day was but doesn't stay long enough to hear my answer. He has no time for me whatsoever. That too sucks.
By 9pm he is the staggering slurry drunk.
I am locking horns with my teenage son about various things at the moment, nothing unusual about that with teenagers but I get no back up whatsoever from AH at night...and of course Mr 14 knows this and on occasions plays us off against each other. You get the picture...
During the day of course AH would support me with these things but at night His only friend who has the right of reply is the alcohol....sigh
Anyway I share a room with Miss 8 as I had to move out of the marital bed some months ago due to being woken up several times a night by the AH. It is the only way I can get a nights sleep.
But today I am feeling resentful of everything. I resent having no real space of my own in our house. I resent the fact that I have to share a room with DD and I feel bad for her because I am also in her space. I resent that I eat alone every night 365 days a year. He prefers now to eat in his bedroom hidden away from the world.
He is also a manic depressive.
I am making plans to separate but it takes time.
Just as he has the right to live how he chooses I have the same right and I choose not to live like this.
Anyway just needed to put this all down today.
I know this too will pass.
Thank goodness for Al Anon and SR. They keep me sane in amongst the madness of it all.
Thanks for listening....I am now going to go and do some gardening as that will be good therapy for my soul today. In fact just putting it down here has helped me feel slightly better.
Thanks for listening guys.
Have a good day: Phiz
I went to Al Anon yesterday and started out with ' I am in a pretty good place today' only that to back Fire on me big time by the end of the day and have got up today feeling, angry, resentful, tearful and disheartened.
Nothing unusual happened I just think I am allowing myself to feel my feelings and really see the reality of the situation I am in.
And it sucks big time!
I took my girls to my nephews birthday party yesterday and we had a nice few hours there with my sister and my BIL and a few other family members. My sister has a tendency to dismiss things I say and be a little sharp with her responses to me at times, which although I find a little unnecessary and irritating it is just the way she is. We are like chalk and cheese but I realise it is ok to be different. She doesn't mean any harm by it and has previously apologised and said she is working on it so I just need to accept this.
However yesterday this set me off. I didn't say anything to her as I think it set me off because of how I was feeling about other stuff. Anyway we left around 7 came home to AH who was as usual hooking into the beer, he does this from 6.30pm every night 365 days a year. It is not nice to live with atall.
He is the happy drunk till about 8pm, talking 'at me' about his day and his work and what he thinks bladey bladdey blah. He did ask me how my day was but doesn't stay long enough to hear my answer. He has no time for me whatsoever. That too sucks.
By 9pm he is the staggering slurry drunk.
I am locking horns with my teenage son about various things at the moment, nothing unusual about that with teenagers but I get no back up whatsoever from AH at night...and of course Mr 14 knows this and on occasions plays us off against each other. You get the picture...
During the day of course AH would support me with these things but at night His only friend who has the right of reply is the alcohol....sigh
Anyway I share a room with Miss 8 as I had to move out of the marital bed some months ago due to being woken up several times a night by the AH. It is the only way I can get a nights sleep.
But today I am feeling resentful of everything. I resent having no real space of my own in our house. I resent the fact that I have to share a room with DD and I feel bad for her because I am also in her space. I resent that I eat alone every night 365 days a year. He prefers now to eat in his bedroom hidden away from the world.
He is also a manic depressive.
I am making plans to separate but it takes time.
Just as he has the right to live how he chooses I have the same right and I choose not to live like this.
Anyway just needed to put this all down today.
I know this too will pass.
Thank goodness for Al Anon and SR. They keep me sane in amongst the madness of it all.
Thanks for listening....I am now going to go and do some gardening as that will be good therapy for my soul today. In fact just putting it down here has helped me feel slightly better.
Thanks for listening guys.
Have a good day: Phiz
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 30
You are soooo strong! Hang in there!
And sometimes it helps me to focus on doing something really nice for myself instead of trying to make "this too shall pass" into a mantra. Sometimes it relieves my tension to take a nice, long, warm batn, see a friend, go for a walk, or read a funny book - all things that I consider selfcare.
Hugs and thoughts
Meassi
And sometimes it helps me to focus on doing something really nice for myself instead of trying to make "this too shall pass" into a mantra. Sometimes it relieves my tension to take a nice, long, warm batn, see a friend, go for a walk, or read a funny book - all things that I consider selfcare.
Hugs and thoughts
Meassi
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Thank you guys....I had a great day in the garden planting my seedlings, weeding and a general tidy up!
But still feeling resentful, angry and sad, mad and all that goes with it.
Am so angry at what alcoholism has done to my family. I am mad at my AH, mad at myself for being angry and resentful at my AH.....I feel like 15 years of dealing with the AH is all coming out now...
And I want out! But....it takes time...and it hurts...I love him...I hate him.....sigh
I know I can't keep living like this and that's for sure.
Take care Phiz
But still feeling resentful, angry and sad, mad and all that goes with it.
Am so angry at what alcoholism has done to my family. I am mad at my AH, mad at myself for being angry and resentful at my AH.....I feel like 15 years of dealing with the AH is all coming out now...
And I want out! But....it takes time...and it hurts...I love him...I hate him.....sigh
I know I can't keep living like this and that's for sure.
Take care Phiz
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