Vows

Old 04-17-2015, 09:47 AM
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Vows

I am struggling today. I went by his house last night three times. I was feeling so lonely and sad; a bit sorry for myself. We were just married 7 months ago; I have been left, abandoned, discarded; and rejected. He not only ended it; he had to tell me that he made a huge mistake marrying me, he never saw me as wife, and his love was growing cold towards me. Was it the addictions? Why is this so hard for me to accept? I swear I smelled the alcohol towards the end; but was it the relapse or was this person so tired of me and trying to meet my needs that he flipped a switch. I wanted so badly to work it out with him. Was it because I wanted him to stop the porn? He said all guys do it and I should not even know he is doing it; that I am too nosey. I felt like I wasn’t good enough; that my butt wasn’t big enough; that my boobs started to sag, and my stretch marks turned him off. How could he possibly think I was hot when I clearly have imperfections and do not measure up to those women? I could not accept it. I got tired of wondering if he was doing that. I got tired of his intensity; his road rage. His energy zapped mine. My gut always told me his spirit wasn’t good. He seemed too arrogant, cocky, but lacking such self-esteem. He was brilliant at work, calm with others, all his ducks were in a row. He was a provider type, a wonderful gift giver, considerate, caring, and would ask me about my day and seemed to care. He seemed to be into me. Was this all an illusion? Was he just an actor and got tired of the act? I have more questions that I will never get answers to. I am depleted. I am empty. I am walking with half a heart missing. My spirit has wilted. My soul seems disconnected. I poured into someone, something that took nearly all of me; and the little part that was left was made to believe that I was too much. That little part of that was left; was being told that I was too much for him. I got called every name in the book; even told that he did not even care if I died in a car wreck. I took all of this in and left. How does someone turn on you? I was loyal, faithful, respectful, caring, but was flawed. I was imperfect as we all are. I would say I am sorry when I made mistakes, but only to be told “no you are not.” I lived in such tension at times; other times he was my perfect partner, my soul mate, the person who knew and understood me, the dark and the light. I trusted him with the dark, the fears, the insecurities all were revealed to him. I almost sent him a text today asking if there was any part of him that wanted to still be friends with me; that this is such a huge loss for me; (he was my second marriage). I did not send it however. Logic kicks in; the way he treated me at the end proved to me he was not my friend and did not value my friendship. He used to tell me I was his best friend and he appreciated the way I care. I don’t know how to let go; or make sense; or just find some peace. He is dating others now; that hurts so badly. I said vows 7 months ago.
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Old 04-17-2015, 10:36 AM
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abitconfused, I am so sorry that you're going through this. I don't have enough background here to know if he's an A? Sounds like he was recovered but perhaps relapsed? I suppose it matters not; what matters is that you're hurting and doubting your worth. I so wish I could hug you and comfort you. Have you ever been to an Al Anon meeting? You might find some real answers there - about how to take care of YOU.
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Old 04-17-2015, 10:40 AM
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Yes is is/was recovered A. He was sober for 3 years--
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Old 04-17-2015, 10:41 AM
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Yes is is/was recovered A. He was sober for 3 years--thank you for the support.
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Old 04-17-2015, 10:44 AM
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I'm so sorry you were treated this way. HE took vows, and obviously did not honor them. You do NOT want this man back in your life. You want the person you THOUGHT he was.

Nothing about you is what caused him to be this way. "Logic kicks in; the way he treated me at the end proved to me he was not my friend and did not value my friendship." That is absolutely correct. You can go crazy trying to figure him out, but all you really need to know is that he behaves like a sociopath. Such people are very good at disguising their true nature.

So you were taken for a ride. It happens to the best of us sometimes. If I were you I'd concentrate on getting legally disentangled as quickly and cleanly as possible and be grateful it was only 7 months, and not 7 years.
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Old 04-17-2015, 10:55 AM
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The opposite of taking personal responsibility is putting it all on your lap. Maybe it's because he can't face what he's done to you, maybe it's because he is being manipulative, maybe it's because you stand between him and drinking, maybe it's because he's just a jerk who needs an emotional whipping post, maybe, maybe, maybe. How hard it must be to hear all those horrible things from a man you married so recently. My exabf put me on a pedestal, knocked me off, put me back up, knocked me off, and on and on. I was "the one" and the "best friend" as well. I was also the one who took the brunt of his unhappiness with himself and he treated me with more cruelty, manipulation and disrespect than I had ever experienced in my life. My best friend would never do that. I told him many times, "stop taking your life out on me!"

No matter how good the good stuff was (and I'm sure it was) it is best to face the reality that he has said and done horrible things to you, I mean, really horrible. Trust your gut here, you absolutely have been screwed--no reason to blame yourself for his bad behavior. Can you imagine what a lifetime of this would have been like?
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Old 04-17-2015, 10:56 AM
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I'm so sorry for your pain. Please please don't try to contact him - I promise it will only prolong your pain. Be so good to yourself - you deserve SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS!!! (((HUGS)))
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Old 04-17-2015, 08:41 PM
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Malcolm X once said that the insidious thing about racism was not that it made other people hate him, but that it made him hate himself. I think the same can be said of this type of emotional abuse. It makes us question ourselves, it makes us self conscious and critical of ourselves. Our greatest assets are used against us. Even after we are separated, the doubts remain. I never once was bothered by my age or the specter of menopause until it was used against me. I was compared to young, fertile women who were still "hot". I look good for my age, but now I see every line in my face, even the ones that don't exsist.

This being you married was so full of self loathing it had no where to go, so it just exploded at you. You were "imperfect" but even in your imperfection you could still manage the noble traits of kindness, loyalty, sincerity and lest we forget, sobriety. Traits Mr Cocky could never hope to gain. He was jealous. His world was made up of the lies in his head, false images of damaged women and self loathing. It all got to be too much, this self loathing and weakness only made more evident by your strenght despite the pain. Thank God you are free!

He will only do this to someone else, then another and another until he dies a broken man. Pity him.
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