My 'Mother' Rang

Old 04-17-2015, 09:05 AM
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My 'Mother' Rang

She rang me in response to a message I sent to her.

She doesn't reply to my messages as it leaves a record.

I just dropped the phone down. I have heard it all before.

It may as well have been the devil himself on the other line.
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Old 04-17-2015, 09:11 AM
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Uh oh. Was your message " I hope you take a long walk off a short pier?"
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Old 04-17-2015, 09:23 AM
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Sorry, Strat. Don't let it throw you. Just shrug it off. I remember how my mom's calls used to cause my stomach to just fall through the floor. If you've asserted yourself in that message and told her how you feel about things, then be proud of yourself and just carry on.
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Old 04-17-2015, 09:26 AM
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Um, no it wasn't. It's a long story which I had typed up before.

But I lost it, I'l try to get it out over the weekend it explains a lot.

Anyway she was ringing to manipulate me with lies, it's her only MO.
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Old 04-17-2015, 09:36 AM
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Well, whatever it was. Hope you don't let it get to you.
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Old 04-17-2015, 09:43 AM
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It already kinda has. It's made me angry suffice to say.

I was just lying in my bed, less than peacefully depressed until that.

I'm somewhere between the two now. Should I hear her out or what guys?
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Old 04-17-2015, 09:50 AM
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Nope. If you stated your feelings there is no need for a response. It will just be self serving lies and manipulations on her part.
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Old 04-17-2015, 09:52 AM
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I certainly wouldn't, no.
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Old 04-17-2015, 10:15 AM
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Um, anyway I did. Angry of course. Oh I'm the abuser, lol. This is crap.

I heard my sister in the background. The call was for her benefit basically.
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Old 04-17-2015, 10:59 AM
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I am sorry this happened. Unfortunately I don't think it is possible to get validation from our parents. They would have to be willing to admit to the truth. Acknowledge their failures. I know it will never happen with either of my parents.
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Old 04-17-2015, 11:10 AM
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Originally Posted by happybeingme View Post
I am sorry this happened. Unfortunately I don't think it is possible to get validation from our parents. They would have to be willing to admit to the truth. Acknowledge their failures. I know it will never happen with either of my parents.
And not from some siblings either. I know this hurts. Sorry
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Old 04-17-2015, 12:31 PM
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I should have listened to you guys.

I'm still getting used to the NPD abuser stuff
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Old 04-17-2015, 01:40 PM
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You tried, there is nothing wrong with that. It is what you learn from the experience that really matters here.

It hurts, it is not fair, it should not be that way and it is not that way for others. Your parents are who they are. You can't change them, we can't change anyone.

The only person we can change is ourselves and to protect ourselves from the emotional abuse that is placed on us. The tides will turn and not in hate and anger but when you get the point that you understand and accept that you deserve to be treated with love, honesty and respect. A parent does not have the right to stomp on those things or in those areas just because they are your parent. The "because I said so" does not apply here.

As an adult, you get to decide how you are treated. You can decide if that phone call or that conversation was worth you feeling hurt and angry. There is no way to win the game but you can simply refuse to play.

I am sorry it did not go well

It is hard and it takes time to grasp and comprehend it all. You could try a no contact for a time frame instead of "forever". Try thirty days. In that time read about NPD and post about your feelings. See if you feel differently as time goes on.

I looked at NC as I do sobriety, One day at a time.
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Old 04-18-2015, 05:16 AM
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We've actually been no contact for a number of years now GracieLou.

Since I became broke and homeless, she hasn't really bothered contacting me since.

For the first year or so I pleaded with her to let me know when my son was there so I could visit.

Well, she said she would but she never did, she basically gas lighted on me the whole time around that.

Because she owes me money and doesnt want to repay it. It's been a stream of lies, manipulation and gas lighting.

The message I sent to her yesterday was 'why have you not kept to the agreement you made with me in family mediation'

Which is about the sum of money she owes me, a big mystery. Which was in fact, money I had been putting away years for my kid.

It's the only tangible thing left I can communicate to her if that makes any sense??? She has tortured me psychologically over that alone.

It's not about the money of course. I could care less. That money is basically a symbol of our relationship and her dishonest actions all my life.
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Old 04-18-2015, 06:12 AM
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I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else but to me it does. Basically it's proof positive that she has been lying, stealing, committing fraud, manipulating, gas lighting and then victim blaming on top, for her entire life, and involving me in all of it.

Because, she has managed to brainwash everyone (including me) that she is somehow the victim in every other case. She absolutely enrages me thats for sure. Years later I am still hoping she will come good on this but the damage has already been done to me.

It's been rough. Also, nobody round here seems to understand my logic. All I've got from people is 'your poor mother' , and 'forget about that money man, sure she is your mother and she raised you' - from complete strangers. It's not true, she didn't really raise me.

She has been on a mission to paint this picture of a loving mother now the last few years and her kids are in their 20's and 30's. I wouldn't mind but it's just another ruse to try and take the house we were living in from the person who actually owns it. Just another ruse.

I think I hate her. I've always been reluctant to admit that. I know it's not a good look in this society, maybe even forbidden but whatever. I've had to live with her my whole life, and I've had to throw myself under the bus to come to that conclusion (+ she gave me a good push)

There is no room for hatred in my heart though, thats the problem. But I have actually suffered my whole life under her. Nobody realizes that because I used to always make the best of it. Dress up, show up etc but I can't even do that anymore. I dunno guys, I really just don't now.
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Old 04-18-2015, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Stratman1 View Post
I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else but to me it does.
It makes sense to me. I was were you are now not to long ago.

Originally Posted by Stratman1 View Post
Basically it's proof positive that she has been lying, stealing, committing fraud, manipulating, gas lighting and then victim blaming on top, for her entire life, and involving me in all of it.
The truth is the truth and no matter what we say or how we say it, once we see it there is really no pretending it is not the case.

Originally Posted by Stratman1 View Post
Because, she has managed to brainwash everyone (including me) that she is somehow the victim in every other case. She absolutely enrages me thats for sure. Years later I am still hoping she will come good on this but the damage has already been done to me.

It's been rough. Also, nobody round here seems to understand my logic. All I've got from people is 'your poor mother' , and 'forget about that money man, sure she is your mother and she raised you' - from complete strangers.
I understand this too. I am the only person that sees her for what she really is. My daughter does in bits and pieces but I don't think she has accepted the idea that she is NPD. She just thinks she is difficult. She must decide for herself. It is like the alcoholic that must admit and accept it, it does no good for me to try to convince others. They won't see what they can't see.

Her false identity, the victim mentality, the blaming it is all part of their false image to the outside world. As I said before, there is usually only one or two people that see the real person, They are called a scapegoat for reason. They are the person the NPD rests all the blame on when the scapegoat finally sees the truth and talks about it. NPD people do not live by the truth, ever.

This will never change. They are always going to behave this way. They will always play victim and they will turn as many people as they can against you as they can. They must win and they will stop at no costs to do it. They do not care if it harms you or the other people.

They cannot feel empathy. Most of us have a conscience and empathy towards others that keeps if from intentionally doing harm, they do not have this capability. They cannot feel empathy. She cannot put herself in your place. She can't think that way. It is all about self and projecting negative away from them. It is how they live and they do not and cannot see they are the problem. Again, not denial, they are not capable.

Originally Posted by Stratman1 View Post
She has been on a mission to paint this picture of a loving mother
This will not change either. She must protect her false image at all costs. She hides behind false care and concern. She will make and create any story to show herself in a good light and you in a bad one in the eyes of others.

Originally Posted by Stratman1 View Post
I think I hate her. I've always been reluctant to admit that. I know it's not a good look in this society, maybe even forbidden but whatever. I've had to live with her my whole life, and I've had to throw myself under the bus to come to that conclusion (+ she gave me a good push)
I understand. Hating or having negative feelings for our parents is considered taboo. Respect is what society says we should have no matter how difficult it is for us but you have to remember the people and families that have this view point were not raised with an NPD parent. They don't know, they don't understand and they are not going to.

There should be mutual respect and there is none. It is always, do what I want, say what I want, listen to what I want and never ever ask questions or want answers. That is not a healthy relationship with a parent, it is not a healthy one for anybody.

Originally Posted by Stratman1 View Post
There is no room for hatred in my heart though, thats the problem. But I have actually suffered my whole life under her. Nobody realizes that because I used to always make the best of it. Dress up, show up etc but I can't even do that anymore. I dunno guys, I really just don't now.
I realize it. I do not hate my mother, I used to though. I hated to look at her, to speak with her and my anger would raise ten fold if she walked into the room. Today, I don't feel that way.

I have validation knowing she is NPD. I have grieved the mother I never had. I know now I am not crazy. She can no longer make me feel guilt, shame, anger or hate. She does not have that power over me anymore.

Removing her from my life helped me move on. It did not give me closure, I did not expose her, I lost some family, I didn't get to send the letter I wrote to her, I burned it instead. It was for me, not for her. I did not go NC to punish her. I did so, so that I could be free to live my life the way I want to with people that love and care about me. I deserve that and so do you.
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Old 04-18-2015, 02:29 PM
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Thanks a lot GracieLou I agree wholeheartedly

Originally Posted by GracieLou View Post
Her false identity, the victim mentality, the blaming it is all part of their false image to the outside world. As I said before, there is usually only one or two people that see the real person, They are called a scapegoat for reason. They are the person the NPD rests all the blame on when the scapegoat finally sees the truth and talks about it. NPD people do not live by the truth, ever.

This will never change. They are always going to behave this way. They will always play victim and they will turn as many people as they can against you as they can. They must win and they will stop at no costs to do it. They do not care if it harms you or the other people.

They cannot feel empathy. Most of us have a conscience and empathy towards others that keeps if from intentionally doing harm, they do not have this capability. They cannot feel empathy. She cannot put herself in your place. She can't think that way. It is all about self and projecting negative away from them. It is how they live and they do not and cannot see they are the problem. Again, not denial, they are not capable.

That describes her perfectly. It sounds a lot like psychopathy in ways? It's not right at all.
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Old 04-18-2015, 03:16 PM
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Stratman, personality disorders have quite a bit of overlap so it is common to see different traits pop up across the board. In the end completely severing ties is usually the safest thing to do.
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Old 04-19-2015, 06:05 AM
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You might be right Happy. She has been on a mission to destroy me the past few years. I don't know what to think.

Originally Posted by GracieLou View Post
Respect is what society says we should have no matter how difficult it is for us but you have to remember the people and families that have this view point were not raised with an NPD parent. They don't know, they don't understand and they are not going to.

I hear that. Where did you learn about all this GracieLou? Nobody has ever said anything like that to me and I have been trying to figure this out my whole life
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Old 04-19-2015, 07:34 AM
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I found a website called "Out of the FOG" and that is where I found and read a lot about NPD but there is a lot of information available on the internet. I just searched for NPD mother or narcissist mother and read as much as I could. If I got to stressed I left it alone for a day or two and came back with a clearer head.

I also bought the book "Will I ever be good enough?" and that helped a great deal. I just sat with it and my highlighter and could really relate to a lot that I read. I learned their are different types of NPD mothers but the feelings we go through are pretty much the same no matter what category they fit into.

I would advise you to do the same. Read up and soak it all in. The more information I got the more it made sense and reading others peoples stories and struggles helped me get validation.

There are also NPD groups on Facebook but some of them can display a lot of hate and anger which I totally get and understand but as a recovering alcoholic, resentment and anger has no place in my life today so I avoid those groups.

It really comes down to what you want to learn and what you want to do with what you learn. Like recovery, it is your personal journey and you get to decide what suits you the best for your life.
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