The Two Sides of my Mother (alcohol dependency)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 37
The Two Sides of my Mother (alcohol dependency)
This is my first post, I've never done this type of thing before so apologies if it's a bit all over the place or I've missed bits out because there's a lot to all of this.
I'm an 18 year old girl, have three older brothers, my mum and dad split up when I was 14 and my dad doesn't live with us anymore.
My first childhood memory is my mum drunk. All of them pretty much are, every birthday, Christmas or just any "nice occasion" something awful happens and she ends up even more trashed than usual and gets in an embarrassing state.
Looking back my life was set out to be so different, from a normal middle class family, my mum and dad both worked, we were doing well in terms of money, went on holidays, had a big sandstone house and at one point we had three cars. But even through all that my mum was an alcoholic.
My dad lost his job, him and my mum fought, he became depressed, began drinking and smoking and were in a lot of debt. We couldn't even afford food and we had to sell the cars (it's a miricle we still have the house.) Being only 12/13 at this point going through changes in life (friends, socialising ect) I just avoided it all, went out and got drunk with my mates, I didn't come home till about 10 at night (which is ridiculous considering I was a child) but my mum and dad were too busy fighting and getting drunk to realise everything I was going through. My brothers were the same, they tended to just sit around play Xbox or go out with their friends.
Eventually my dad left us, he realised he was causing more damage than good, fast forward to now (about 5 years on) two of my brothers have moved out, got jobs and are doing well, my dad is in work again, has found another parter, got sober and can enjoy drinking in moderation. My dad can control it, my mother can't.
Now I'm 18 and my mothers been an alcoholic for 20+ years, she still holds a grudge against my dad, it's just me my brother (who is 24 now and who I am very close to) and her living at home. For a few days she can go without a drink or if we don't have money she can do it but it's as soon as pay day comes she's buying boxes wine/bottles of it. As a drunk she acts really strange and introverted, she normally sits in the living room, gets drunk and keeps out everybody's way. If I come home from work and see her sitting on the couch in silence or on her laptop straight away I can tell she's been drinking, she acts as if everything's normal and she's sober when really she's stumbling about and slurring her words.
Recently it's got worse, about two weeks ago I woke up one morning for work and heard snoring in my living room, I went in shouting "MUM!!! MUM??" And she couldn't even hear me. I had to go up and shake her till she woke and when she did I asked "why aren't you at work?" When she spoke I couldn't make out a word she was saying. She was talking complete gibberish, it was strange because she was awake, looking right at me and was speaking complete nonsense. Eventually she got up, got ready and went to work drunk. This isn't a first, she's done it in the past and lost her job twice because of it.
The main reason I'm writing this post is because last night it kicked off more than its done in years.
My boyfriend was supposed to stay over (he didn't know about my alcoholic mum until now), I came home from work, got some junk food in, bought him some beers and we had a night of ps4 and movies planned ahead. Before he arrived I got a phone call coming from my dad saying he was dropping off his car (he is getting a new one) in my driveway as a surprise (which again was supposed to be a nice occasion) so I went downstairs and explained the situation to my mum -which was my first mistake because she had been drinking - who said it was fine at the time then a few minutes later my brother tells me to go as my mums upset with it. (Awkward timing as my boyfriend just arrives and there's a full family dispute going on.) So anyway my mums going crazy because my dads "dropping of his crap and leaving the burden on us" which obviously just doesn't make any sense whatsoever because I'm getting a car given to me but she's completely in self destruct mode at this point. But we sorted it out and I said we'll leave it in the street and she was fine with it. My brother and his friend (who heard everything) had to leave for their club's training so it was only me, my mum and my boyfriend who's sitting upstairs at this point. I thought everything was fine and settled but my mum kept coming upstairs/following me around the house screaming (and I mean SCREAMING) at me, bringing everything up between my dad and the car situation she was taking her anger out on me and bringing it up even though we had just resolved everything anyway as that went on it got worse and she was getting in my face and eventually tried to hit me, I grabbed her arms and escorted her out the kitchen, then after she tried slamming the door on my face. I held the door to make sure she didn't as my boyfriend was sitting in my room and I didn't want him hearing, even though he did but I was just embarrassed. Eventually we left the house, went a walk and I explained everything to him, he was so understanding and supportive about it.
This is a turning point for me, my mum has ridiculed me enough throughout my life, hasn't been there for me and my childhood has been nothing but disappointment because of her, her drinking was a huge contribution as to why her and my dads marriage failed. Me and my brothers have done everything we can to get her to stop, we've had the most horrible and awkward conversations with her. She's been to AA meetings, we've even tried taking her bank card off of her and giving her an allowance. She is a completely different person sober, she is caring, chatty, funny, emotional and she loves us all. When she doesn't drink we can chat away about how our days have went but when she drinks I don't see her for days after and we avoid eachother... then she acts like nothing's happened. When we talk about it when she's sober she agrees and feels guilt but as soon as tomorrow comes she's got a bottle of wine at hand. Everyone has moved on from the past but her, I know she drinks because of depression, we've tried getting in touch with family again but she's so stubborn.
I've always felt guilt, embarrassed and ashamed of all this, but now I have learned it's not my fault. I have been born into this and I've tried to save my mums life but it's so difficult when she isn't willing to help herself.
Is anyone going through something similar and can suggest anything? I've ran out of ideas and it's draining us all.
I'm an 18 year old girl, have three older brothers, my mum and dad split up when I was 14 and my dad doesn't live with us anymore.
My first childhood memory is my mum drunk. All of them pretty much are, every birthday, Christmas or just any "nice occasion" something awful happens and she ends up even more trashed than usual and gets in an embarrassing state.
Looking back my life was set out to be so different, from a normal middle class family, my mum and dad both worked, we were doing well in terms of money, went on holidays, had a big sandstone house and at one point we had three cars. But even through all that my mum was an alcoholic.
My dad lost his job, him and my mum fought, he became depressed, began drinking and smoking and were in a lot of debt. We couldn't even afford food and we had to sell the cars (it's a miricle we still have the house.) Being only 12/13 at this point going through changes in life (friends, socialising ect) I just avoided it all, went out and got drunk with my mates, I didn't come home till about 10 at night (which is ridiculous considering I was a child) but my mum and dad were too busy fighting and getting drunk to realise everything I was going through. My brothers were the same, they tended to just sit around play Xbox or go out with their friends.
Eventually my dad left us, he realised he was causing more damage than good, fast forward to now (about 5 years on) two of my brothers have moved out, got jobs and are doing well, my dad is in work again, has found another parter, got sober and can enjoy drinking in moderation. My dad can control it, my mother can't.
Now I'm 18 and my mothers been an alcoholic for 20+ years, she still holds a grudge against my dad, it's just me my brother (who is 24 now and who I am very close to) and her living at home. For a few days she can go without a drink or if we don't have money she can do it but it's as soon as pay day comes she's buying boxes wine/bottles of it. As a drunk she acts really strange and introverted, she normally sits in the living room, gets drunk and keeps out everybody's way. If I come home from work and see her sitting on the couch in silence or on her laptop straight away I can tell she's been drinking, she acts as if everything's normal and she's sober when really she's stumbling about and slurring her words.
Recently it's got worse, about two weeks ago I woke up one morning for work and heard snoring in my living room, I went in shouting "MUM!!! MUM??" And she couldn't even hear me. I had to go up and shake her till she woke and when she did I asked "why aren't you at work?" When she spoke I couldn't make out a word she was saying. She was talking complete gibberish, it was strange because she was awake, looking right at me and was speaking complete nonsense. Eventually she got up, got ready and went to work drunk. This isn't a first, she's done it in the past and lost her job twice because of it.
The main reason I'm writing this post is because last night it kicked off more than its done in years.
My boyfriend was supposed to stay over (he didn't know about my alcoholic mum until now), I came home from work, got some junk food in, bought him some beers and we had a night of ps4 and movies planned ahead. Before he arrived I got a phone call coming from my dad saying he was dropping off his car (he is getting a new one) in my driveway as a surprise (which again was supposed to be a nice occasion) so I went downstairs and explained the situation to my mum -which was my first mistake because she had been drinking - who said it was fine at the time then a few minutes later my brother tells me to go as my mums upset with it. (Awkward timing as my boyfriend just arrives and there's a full family dispute going on.) So anyway my mums going crazy because my dads "dropping of his crap and leaving the burden on us" which obviously just doesn't make any sense whatsoever because I'm getting a car given to me but she's completely in self destruct mode at this point. But we sorted it out and I said we'll leave it in the street and she was fine with it. My brother and his friend (who heard everything) had to leave for their club's training so it was only me, my mum and my boyfriend who's sitting upstairs at this point. I thought everything was fine and settled but my mum kept coming upstairs/following me around the house screaming (and I mean SCREAMING) at me, bringing everything up between my dad and the car situation she was taking her anger out on me and bringing it up even though we had just resolved everything anyway as that went on it got worse and she was getting in my face and eventually tried to hit me, I grabbed her arms and escorted her out the kitchen, then after she tried slamming the door on my face. I held the door to make sure she didn't as my boyfriend was sitting in my room and I didn't want him hearing, even though he did but I was just embarrassed. Eventually we left the house, went a walk and I explained everything to him, he was so understanding and supportive about it.
This is a turning point for me, my mum has ridiculed me enough throughout my life, hasn't been there for me and my childhood has been nothing but disappointment because of her, her drinking was a huge contribution as to why her and my dads marriage failed. Me and my brothers have done everything we can to get her to stop, we've had the most horrible and awkward conversations with her. She's been to AA meetings, we've even tried taking her bank card off of her and giving her an allowance. She is a completely different person sober, she is caring, chatty, funny, emotional and she loves us all. When she doesn't drink we can chat away about how our days have went but when she drinks I don't see her for days after and we avoid eachother... then she acts like nothing's happened. When we talk about it when she's sober she agrees and feels guilt but as soon as tomorrow comes she's got a bottle of wine at hand. Everyone has moved on from the past but her, I know she drinks because of depression, we've tried getting in touch with family again but she's so stubborn.
I've always felt guilt, embarrassed and ashamed of all this, but now I have learned it's not my fault. I have been born into this and I've tried to save my mums life but it's so difficult when she isn't willing to help herself.
Is anyone going through something similar and can suggest anything? I've ran out of ideas and it's draining us all.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi and welcome. I am sorry things are so hard with your mum. Unfortunately it's all typical and will worsen over time unless she wants to get better. Many don't. It isn't your fault and you can't control it or fix it. The best you can do is distance yourself and find your own place to live.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by happybeingme 
Hi and welcome. I am sorry things are so hard with your mum. Unfortunately it's all typical and will worsen over time unless she wants to get better. Many don't. It isn't your fault and you can't control it or fix it. The best you can do is distance yourself and find your own place to live.
I can't afford to move out that's why it puts me in an awkward position, even if I could afford it I don't think I could do that to her, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night thinking about what state she's in and knowing no one would be there other than my brother who isn't even there most of the time! I'd just worry something tragic would happen
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I understand your feelings. But it's awful burden to place on yourself. She should be caring for you not vice versa. But, in the meantime set boundaries for yourself. Let your mum know it is not ok for her to lash out at you when she is drunk and unhappy. That is her problem and there is professional help available. Sometimes an alcoholic needs to lose everyone and everything before they decide to quit. Perhaps you and your brother could get a place together
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 37
You're right. It's frustrating because I know I shouldn't place the burden on myself but I can't help but feel some sort of responsibility it's just in my nature that I feel the need to help. My brother is going on holiday at the same time I am during summer both for two weeks, maybe it will give her time to reflect and she'll realise she will be on her own if she doesn't get herself together
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I have an alcoholic mom, too, and it is very painful. I have tried to turn her problem into a blessing in my life in that I quit drinking entirely over 1.5 years ago and I have never been happier in my life and in my relationships. Boundaries are key here and reminding ourselves the 3Cs: I didn't Cause it. I can't Control it and I can't Cure it. I am older than you, but I would focus on getting independent of her as quickly as you can for damage control of your psyche.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by justlike4
It's frustrating because I know I shouldn't place the burden on myself but I can't help but feel some sort of responsibility it's just in my nature that I feel the need to help.
That did not go over well, as you might imagine.
(Well, my Dad didn't actually hit me over the head with a bat, but he sure wanted to! What saved me was that the madder he got, the more ammunition it gave me to say, "Hey, if this is such a horrendous offense, that just shows how bad your booze problem is!")
Good luck...
T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by DoubleDragons
I have an alcoholic mom, too, and it is very painful. I have tried to turn her problem into a blessing in my life in that I quit drinking entirely over 1.5 years ago and I have never been happier in my life and in my relationships. Boundaries are key here and reminding ourselves the 3Cs: I didn't Cause it. I can't Control it and I can't Cure it. I am older than you, but I would focus on getting independent of her as quickly as you can for damage control of your psyche.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by tromboneliness
This is totally normal -- most kids (including myself, although I'm 51 now!) feel they're responsible for fixing their parents' drinking problems. I tried everything -- the piece de resistance being the time I poured out a whole bunch of bottles -- must have been at least $150 worth of booze -- when they were out of the house once.
That did not go over well, as you might imagine.
(Well, my Dad didn't actually hit me over the head with a bat, but he sure wanted to! What saved me was that the madder he got, the more ammunition it gave me to say, "Hey, if this is such a horrendous offense, that just shows how bad your booze problem is!")
Good luck...
T
That did not go over well, as you might imagine.
(Well, my Dad didn't actually hit me over the head with a bat, but he sure wanted to! What saved me was that the madder he got, the more ammunition it gave me to say, "Hey, if this is such a horrendous offense, that just shows how bad your booze problem is!")
Good luck...
T
Thanks again for the comment x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
So sorry to hear this, you're so young to have to deal with such a heavy burden. Do you have Alanon meetings you can go to? We as children of alcoholic parents must learn a few things, one being the mantra - you can't control it, you can't cure it, you didn't cause it... and another to be able to distance yourself, emotionally if not physically. My mother is surely drinking herself to death somewhere at this moment but she chose it over her family and she has hurt me and my kids too much to go back for more. Do what you can for yourself, hang in there, and visit here as much as you can - the people here are awesome and have all been where you are. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Welcome to the group justlike4. You didn't *cause* this, I am glad you are starting to know this. You will also learn that you can't *control* this and you can't *cure* this no matter how much you care or try. This is up to her. I grew up in an alcoholic home, and my dad did beat me over the head and everywhere else. I learned to emotionally detach and not take on the burden of what will happen if I don't help. It's not easy but it is an emotional survival skill that has to be developed or things will go from bad to worse. It didn't sound like you had been beaten but emotional abuse is just as bad to overcome. I had contact, but on my terms. It took decades for my dad to stop drinking, he was 80, and only that because he got into the trouble with the police. I left home at 18 with an empty suitcase and lived in basements of people that were not home, roommates that came and went, and struggled financially, even lost a career, but never went back home. Never allowed my children to be close to them either.
I don't know what it will take for your Mom to stop drinking or if she ever will. But please do what is best for you. It's never successful or healthy to live with an alcoholic parent.
I don't know what it will take for your Mom to stop drinking or if she ever will. But please do what is best for you. It's never successful or healthy to live with an alcoholic parent.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by ajarlson
So sorry to hear this, you're so young to have to deal with such a heavy burden. Do you have Alanon meetings you can go to? We as children of alcoholic parents must learn a few things, one being the mantra - you can't control it, you can't cure it, you didn't cause it... and another to be able to distance yourself, emotionally if not physically. My mother is surely drinking herself to death somewhere at this moment but she chose it over her family and she has hurt me and my kids too much to go back for more. Do what you can for yourself, hang in there, and visit here as much as you can - the people here are awesome and have all been where you are.
I'm so sorry to hear about your issue with your mother, it really is difficult to accept the "3C's" which I hadn't heard of until today, but you're right I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Hearing this phrase has really put my problems into perspective for me.
I can't thank you all enough for sharing your stories and helping me, I'm glad I discovered this forum and I don't feel so alone, so again thank you
X
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by Kialua
It didn't sound like you had been beaten but emotional abuse is just as bad to I don't know what it will take for your Mom to stop drinking or if she ever will. But please do what is best for you. It's never successful or healthy to live with an alcoholic parent.
I'm doing my best at the moment, I have a part time job (and have now been offered something better too), I'm a student, I'm sitting my driving test soon and got a car. I feel like life has just started for me and even though these things are going so well, I can't help but feel all these problems with my mother have affected me as a person and will hold me back in life. Most of all I worry that one day it may happen to me and I'll become like her. I never ever want to put my children (if I ever have any) through the life I've had so far.
It's emotionally draining, my mum doesn't talk to me about anything she's very secretive in terms of money issues, relationships ect, which has inevitably turned me the same. I'm not a victim of physical abuse but I believe the upbringing I've had will restrict me with other aspects in life and my emotions are a bit out of sync.
Thanks again for taking the time to read/reply to my story, you've given me so much help with this.
X
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Have you and your brother looked into Alanon groups? That is for family members of the alcoholic. This forum has a wealth of information too, the stickies above are great if you haven't read them yet.
It's great that you can recognize the affects of alcoholism in your life from your mom. She may never make sense or be open, unless she sobers up and even then it's not a smooth road. The mental war games that were played on us do damage in ways that are not always apparent immediately. I hope you get the support and help you need. We are here.
It's great that you can recognize the affects of alcoholism in your life from your mom. She may never make sense or be open, unless she sobers up and even then it's not a smooth road. The mental war games that were played on us do damage in ways that are not always apparent immediately. I hope you get the support and help you need. We are here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 37
No we've not really looked into groups for us, more so just for my mum.
I dont think her mental health is in the best shape either, even when she's sober she doesn't sleep in her bedroom anymore, she doesn't eat properly and she doesn't talk to any of her friends even though they've sent her presents and cards with their phone numbers at the bottom.
Thanks for being there for me I've definitely found answers here
X
I dont think her mental health is in the best shape either, even when she's sober she doesn't sleep in her bedroom anymore, she doesn't eat properly and she doesn't talk to any of her friends even though they've sent her presents and cards with their phone numbers at the bottom.
Thanks for being there for me I've definitely found answers here
X
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Welcome, justlike4 
Glad to have you here. You are so articulate about what you are going through, I feel like I'm going through it right along with you and my heart really goes out to you.
My mom is an alcoholic, too. She was one person, and she became another person. Alcoholism took up residence in her brain. I remember when I was a kid, thinking that I had to be like the lifeguard who swims out to rescue a swimmer who is drowning, but the swimmer is panicking and they grab onto the lifeguard so hard that they both start to sink and the lifeguard has to break away to save themselves. That was how I felt when I was a kid, before I had any grown up ways to deal with things. When I lost my dad when I was 15, things got a lot worse.
I got into all kinds of crazy (CRAZY) scenes with my mom before I realized that not only is there no way I can cure her addiction for her, but my efforts to take care of her were enabling her addiction to continue and destroying my own brain to boot. Piles of empty bottles - being naked in public and having her say 'no I'm not' - catching her in lie after lie - seeing total indifference in her eyes at the prospect of her own death, or mine.
I slowly extricated myself, then quickly, then completely. I haven't talked to her in 9 months. It's the best thing I ever did for myself. I mourn the mother I used to know and the one I never had. If my mother ever completes real rehab and recovery, finds authentic sobriety or something like sanity, and becomes a person who wouldn't be abusive and toxic and could muster some sort of apology for being a total burden to me instead of a parent, I'm sure she'll find a way to let me know. I can't have her in my life without that.
It was an amazing thing when I realized I could claim my life as my own and tell my mom she was going to have to look out for herself. I did it once I realized that my life was being dictated by my experience with my mom, given over. I can set boundaries that are healthy for me, and that's the only justification I need to have for them.
Wishing you all the best.
Glad to have you here. You are so articulate about what you are going through, I feel like I'm going through it right along with you and my heart really goes out to you. My mom is an alcoholic, too. She was one person, and she became another person. Alcoholism took up residence in her brain. I remember when I was a kid, thinking that I had to be like the lifeguard who swims out to rescue a swimmer who is drowning, but the swimmer is panicking and they grab onto the lifeguard so hard that they both start to sink and the lifeguard has to break away to save themselves. That was how I felt when I was a kid, before I had any grown up ways to deal with things. When I lost my dad when I was 15, things got a lot worse.
I got into all kinds of crazy (CRAZY) scenes with my mom before I realized that not only is there no way I can cure her addiction for her, but my efforts to take care of her were enabling her addiction to continue and destroying my own brain to boot. Piles of empty bottles - being naked in public and having her say 'no I'm not' - catching her in lie after lie - seeing total indifference in her eyes at the prospect of her own death, or mine.
I slowly extricated myself, then quickly, then completely. I haven't talked to her in 9 months. It's the best thing I ever did for myself. I mourn the mother I used to know and the one I never had. If my mother ever completes real rehab and recovery, finds authentic sobriety or something like sanity, and becomes a person who wouldn't be abusive and toxic and could muster some sort of apology for being a total burden to me instead of a parent, I'm sure she'll find a way to let me know. I can't have her in my life without that.
It was an amazing thing when I realized I could claim my life as my own and tell my mom she was going to have to look out for herself. I did it once I realized that my life was being dictated by my experience with my mom, given over. I can set boundaries that are healthy for me, and that's the only justification I need to have for them.
Wishing you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
justlike4 One of the phrases we use here that was helpful for me was, "Put on your own oxygen mask before trying to help anyone else, or you will not be able to help." Working on what I needed before what my parent needed made me able to go through the long journey to sobriety that my dad took. It's not selfish, it survival.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 254
Wanted to add - if you haven't seen it yet, there's a book you can check out called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, or just codependency in general. It really helped me specifically identify how life with my mom was effecting my personality and the kinds of changes I wanted to start making.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this. I am in a pretty similar situation as you, only a few years older. Lived with my mum alone for 10 years. Only recently have I stepped back and I am now splitting my time between my mum and dad's place.
I TOTALLY was in your shoes of fearing what would happen if I left her alone. But. Honestly, she's going to do what she's doing whether you're there or not. This kind of thinking can become really pervasive, what happens when it's time for you to live your own life? Will you choose to stay back because you need to ensure your mum's safety, essentially taking responsibility for her life?
Basically. We can't save our mums from themselves. We can't. It hurts, and it's scary. But putting your own life on hold for the sake of your mum's won't help you or her.
My mum also lives in the past, vents her anger about my dad to me, isolates (she literally has one friend who she sometimes talks to on the phone, otherwise she doesn't interact with other people than me), has major depression and anxiety and now cirrhosis. The thing that might help you is to know that she probably doesn't want to be doing what she is doing, but she is literally powerless against it. There's a lot of shame and self-hatred felt by addicts, but no matter how much prodding and pushing anyone does, they will not back down. It has to come from within, and they need to feel the consequences of their actions before it can come from within.
If you're there to clean up her messes and ensure her safety, how will she ever learn she has a problem? Or feel motivated to change?
Do what you need to for yourself. Keep yourself safe. Do at least one thing each week JUST for you, ONLY for you that makes you feel good. You can't be of any help to anyone else if you aren't of help to yourself first.
I know your pain, you're not alone in this. It's so, so tough, but I believe in you.
I TOTALLY was in your shoes of fearing what would happen if I left her alone. But. Honestly, she's going to do what she's doing whether you're there or not. This kind of thinking can become really pervasive, what happens when it's time for you to live your own life? Will you choose to stay back because you need to ensure your mum's safety, essentially taking responsibility for her life?
Basically. We can't save our mums from themselves. We can't. It hurts, and it's scary. But putting your own life on hold for the sake of your mum's won't help you or her.
My mum also lives in the past, vents her anger about my dad to me, isolates (she literally has one friend who she sometimes talks to on the phone, otherwise she doesn't interact with other people than me), has major depression and anxiety and now cirrhosis. The thing that might help you is to know that she probably doesn't want to be doing what she is doing, but she is literally powerless against it. There's a lot of shame and self-hatred felt by addicts, but no matter how much prodding and pushing anyone does, they will not back down. It has to come from within, and they need to feel the consequences of their actions before it can come from within.
If you're there to clean up her messes and ensure her safety, how will she ever learn she has a problem? Or feel motivated to change?
Do what you need to for yourself. Keep yourself safe. Do at least one thing each week JUST for you, ONLY for you that makes you feel good. You can't be of any help to anyone else if you aren't of help to yourself first.
I know your pain, you're not alone in this. It's so, so tough, but I believe in you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
