Stockholm syndrome?
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 30
Stockholm syndrome?
Hello - thanks for being out there 
I feel like I have Stockholm syndrome. My partner is a binge alcoholic and every time he goes on a bender, I swear I will leave him. As soon as he sobers up, he is the sweetest man alive and even though my body is knotted up and filled with tension, my mind persuades me to give it another go. It might seem like the typical alcoholic spouses issues, but when I look at him, I sometimes think there must be something wrong with him - he is mastering denial to the point of it being an art.
When I met him he drank every day and since he now can have up to 2 months of sobriety, HE feels he is making progress. He has seen a vast number of therapists, but only one or twice, then he concludes that they are not spiritual enough (he's a gurdjeff guy if that means anything to you) and stops. He's been to AA and Minnesota, but stopped because "he has nothing in common with those people".
Sometimes I can see myself from the outside and it terrifies me. He never hit me, never told me I could not see anyone, but he is INDIRECTLY controlling me, always having opinions on what I do with my money etc. Oh my God, this is even harder to explain than I feared. :unsure:
My father was a narcissist and this man is in many ways like him, ONLY he does not beat me, yell at me or call me names - he is just nice. When he is drunk he just sits there and cries.
Somehow I have put myself in a situation where I am dependent on him financially. He owns our home and I allowed myself to restructurize my business for a better segment and that means I won't make much for a few years.
I am starting to loose energy, can't concentrate on my business, don't get things done, withdraw socially, feel ashamed to tell anybody that I - once again - stayed...
Because of my childhood, I am very bad at handling stress and I feel weak and alone. I have no family, they are all dead. I have friends and they listen and support, but they cannot fix this.
I often wonders if he is undiagnosed - he works with mentally ill people and he is very good at it. Sometimes when he talks he seems psycotic, like his words don't have roots. I don't how to describe it better.
I hope for some input
Once again - thanks for being out there
Meassi
I feel like I have Stockholm syndrome. My partner is a binge alcoholic and every time he goes on a bender, I swear I will leave him. As soon as he sobers up, he is the sweetest man alive and even though my body is knotted up and filled with tension, my mind persuades me to give it another go. It might seem like the typical alcoholic spouses issues, but when I look at him, I sometimes think there must be something wrong with him - he is mastering denial to the point of it being an art.
When I met him he drank every day and since he now can have up to 2 months of sobriety, HE feels he is making progress. He has seen a vast number of therapists, but only one or twice, then he concludes that they are not spiritual enough (he's a gurdjeff guy if that means anything to you) and stops. He's been to AA and Minnesota, but stopped because "he has nothing in common with those people".
Sometimes I can see myself from the outside and it terrifies me. He never hit me, never told me I could not see anyone, but he is INDIRECTLY controlling me, always having opinions on what I do with my money etc. Oh my God, this is even harder to explain than I feared. :unsure:
My father was a narcissist and this man is in many ways like him, ONLY he does not beat me, yell at me or call me names - he is just nice. When he is drunk he just sits there and cries.
Somehow I have put myself in a situation where I am dependent on him financially. He owns our home and I allowed myself to restructurize my business for a better segment and that means I won't make much for a few years.
I am starting to loose energy, can't concentrate on my business, don't get things done, withdraw socially, feel ashamed to tell anybody that I - once again - stayed...
Because of my childhood, I am very bad at handling stress and I feel weak and alone. I have no family, they are all dead. I have friends and they listen and support, but they cannot fix this.
I often wonders if he is undiagnosed - he works with mentally ill people and he is very good at it. Sometimes when he talks he seems psycotic, like his words don't have roots. I don't how to describe it better.
I hope for some input
Once again - thanks for being out there
Meassi
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Are you in alanon? I would strongly suggest you find a meeting in your area and go. Also have you read 'codependent no more' It is an excellent book. It might help you to read about codependency and see if that helps you turn your focus back where it should be on you! I know when I am depressed, I have no energy. My STBXAH is abusive. He has been out of our home for almost a year after being arrested for DV. There are still days that I get so depressed I can barely get out of bed much less accomplish anything. There have been plenty of times I felt my life was over if I wasn't with him. But all of those feelings and thoughts were due more to my codependency than to any of his behaviors or actions. It wasn't until I made myself put me and my children first that I was able to make positive steps to moving forward and leaving. I'm in the middle of leaving now. But as long as I focused on him and his issues of alcoholism and abuse it kept me frozen in fear. I had to focus on me and my recovery in order to have the strength to break free. I think you know what to do, it is just a matter of doing it. It has taken me eight years of abuse to be able to even begin to take steps to get out of the relationship. You are ahead of the game because you know what you should do. Sending hugs and courage your way.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi meassi, sorry it has been so quiet here. Many of us live on the east coast of the U.S.and it is only 4:30 am right now. I get up early. Anyway. I don't think you have Stockholm Syndrome. But it does sound as if you are in an abusive relationship. Abuse can take many forms including emotional, verbal, financial, sexual. It is not always about being hit.
I sometimes think the binge alcoholic is the hardest to cope with since many can go long periods of time without drinking. It keeps your head spinning and causes a lot of self doubt.
It is also not unusual for mentally ill people to work in the field of mental health. There are some really crazy therapists, social workers, and counselors out there.
Just know there is help and hope here. More people will be by later. You aren't alone
I sometimes think the binge alcoholic is the hardest to cope with since many can go long periods of time without drinking. It keeps your head spinning and causes a lot of self doubt.
It is also not unusual for mentally ill people to work in the field of mental health. There are some really crazy therapists, social workers, and counselors out there.
Just know there is help and hope here. More people will be by later. You aren't alone
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I just googled gurdjeff--oh, my. Anyway, that's his thing.
One other book you might want to read is "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." It is about abuse--especially the kind that involves control tactics rather than physical violence. It is an eye-opener.
I know you are feeling very trapped right now, but there is always a way out. I'd suggest calling your local women's shelter or the DV hotline and talking with an advocate/counselor. They know that not all abuse is physical, and they can help you figure out a way to get from under his control. You built a business--you are obviously bright and capable, but living in this kind of relationship can suck all the vitality out of you.
So he owns the house you live in. You could find a modest apartment, maybe with a roommate. There are ways to pare your expenses way down. There IS a way out. What you describe is a soul-sucking wasteland.
One other book you might want to read is "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." It is about abuse--especially the kind that involves control tactics rather than physical violence. It is an eye-opener.
I know you are feeling very trapped right now, but there is always a way out. I'd suggest calling your local women's shelter or the DV hotline and talking with an advocate/counselor. They know that not all abuse is physical, and they can help you figure out a way to get from under his control. You built a business--you are obviously bright and capable, but living in this kind of relationship can suck all the vitality out of you.
So he owns the house you live in. You could find a modest apartment, maybe with a roommate. There are ways to pare your expenses way down. There IS a way out. What you describe is a soul-sucking wasteland.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Welcome to SR, Meassi! I hope you find some clarity here!
When someone beats you up, abuse is obvious. Scars and bruises are obvious. But emotional abuse is not so easy to prove. Yet you feel something is wrong. You question your own sanity, you try to justify his actions, you wonder if there is something you did to cause such treatment. And let's forget alcohol for one moment. Not all alcoholics are abusers and not all abusers are alcoholics. Abuse is a separate field. The book that LexieCat mentioned says that abused women should not be labelled as codependent.
And there are different types of abusers who employ different tactics to control you. In abuse, it is all about control. Just like you, Meassi, I feel so controlled. Two days ago, I started an online chat with an NDVH agent. And you know what? I felt really weird typing, because I thought, "Is this really bad enough? Am I bugging the poor person on the other side? There is no beating. And I know all the passwords and he does not control me financially. Yet my sense of duty, of being responsible makes me deal with taxes, bills, insurance, loans . . . and he dares to call me names, to poke me, to accuse me of cheating, to bang around, to disrespect me." I was directed to some further resources, but noone answered question, "Is this abuse?" At least not directly. But I was told this, "How you feel matters." So, if you feel that someone is playing with your mind, you are most probably correct. If you have your gut feeling he is manipulating you, you are probably correct.
And I do not think it is Stockholm syndrome. You are not protecting your abuser. You are not siding with him. You actually sense that something is wrong. You are aware. That is a pretty good first step.
When someone beats you up, abuse is obvious. Scars and bruises are obvious. But emotional abuse is not so easy to prove. Yet you feel something is wrong. You question your own sanity, you try to justify his actions, you wonder if there is something you did to cause such treatment. And let's forget alcohol for one moment. Not all alcoholics are abusers and not all abusers are alcoholics. Abuse is a separate field. The book that LexieCat mentioned says that abused women should not be labelled as codependent.
And there are different types of abusers who employ different tactics to control you. In abuse, it is all about control. Just like you, Meassi, I feel so controlled. Two days ago, I started an online chat with an NDVH agent. And you know what? I felt really weird typing, because I thought, "Is this really bad enough? Am I bugging the poor person on the other side? There is no beating. And I know all the passwords and he does not control me financially. Yet my sense of duty, of being responsible makes me deal with taxes, bills, insurance, loans . . . and he dares to call me names, to poke me, to accuse me of cheating, to bang around, to disrespect me." I was directed to some further resources, but noone answered question, "Is this abuse?" At least not directly. But I was told this, "How you feel matters." So, if you feel that someone is playing with your mind, you are most probably correct. If you have your gut feeling he is manipulating you, you are probably correct.
And I do not think it is Stockholm syndrome. You are not protecting your abuser. You are not siding with him. You actually sense that something is wrong. You are aware. That is a pretty good first step.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 121
Oh Meassi, I feel your pain and I live your story. It is almost identical. I have been married to a true binge, highly functioning alcoholic for 24 years the last 11 years have seen an upswing in the binging. I have seen him thru 2 rounds of outpatient, inpatient (Minnesota) for a month, AA, 2 DUI's, and still he thinks he is above all other alcoholics (people and rules in general), uses AA mantras to defend his disease and binges, rather than using AA it to heal it. They truly become the most manipulative people ever! It's disgusting once you begin to really recognize it.
I am of the personal believe that living with a binge alcoholic is one of the toughest emotionally. It sets you up for so much twisted abuse. It took me a long time to understand that- coming from a childhood in which I lived with a narcissistic mother who was also very emotionally abusive. Just when you begin to trust your binger that maybe this time is it...they do it again and again. It sets up false hope, And it smears any progress you might have made over and over. They know just how to manipulate you so that you question your sanity... as you are doing now. I kept thinking, and still find myself asking even now, if I was just expecting to much or that I really am just no fun. Am I the one who is driving him to binge because I am such a "Debbie downer"? After all it not like he drinks everyday...right?? It is a horrible pattern of self doubt that they set up in their partner, so that they can keep doing what they do, which is to get blithering drunk and feel justified doing it, cuz everybody does, right!?!
I finally woke up about 3 weeks ago, I had my final straw, I filed for divorce. I realized I was being mentally abused, and I no longer wanted my teenagers to see that it's acceptable to be treated that way. I am dealing with a lot of pain in the process, as divorce is never easy and I still have nagging self doubt. But, I know I can now rest in the fact that I am done with the daily uncertainty of whether or not he's going to come home or go to a bar all night, or sit here and try to drink all night and be angry that I won't join the "fun".
You do not have Stockholm syndrome. You have an Alcoholic. It's what they do, they manipulate. They prey on your insecurities. It becomes a viscious merry go round. I feel for you and I get it completely. For now just concentrate on you, look for patterns, become aware of your responses to his patterns. Eventually, you will begin to realize that what he's doing is only to get what he wants... which his cake and to eat it too.
I wish you lots of luck, I understand how you feel.
I am of the personal believe that living with a binge alcoholic is one of the toughest emotionally. It sets you up for so much twisted abuse. It took me a long time to understand that- coming from a childhood in which I lived with a narcissistic mother who was also very emotionally abusive. Just when you begin to trust your binger that maybe this time is it...they do it again and again. It sets up false hope, And it smears any progress you might have made over and over. They know just how to manipulate you so that you question your sanity... as you are doing now. I kept thinking, and still find myself asking even now, if I was just expecting to much or that I really am just no fun. Am I the one who is driving him to binge because I am such a "Debbie downer"? After all it not like he drinks everyday...right?? It is a horrible pattern of self doubt that they set up in their partner, so that they can keep doing what they do, which is to get blithering drunk and feel justified doing it, cuz everybody does, right!?!
I finally woke up about 3 weeks ago, I had my final straw, I filed for divorce. I realized I was being mentally abused, and I no longer wanted my teenagers to see that it's acceptable to be treated that way. I am dealing with a lot of pain in the process, as divorce is never easy and I still have nagging self doubt. But, I know I can now rest in the fact that I am done with the daily uncertainty of whether or not he's going to come home or go to a bar all night, or sit here and try to drink all night and be angry that I won't join the "fun".
You do not have Stockholm syndrome. You have an Alcoholic. It's what they do, they manipulate. They prey on your insecurities. It becomes a viscious merry go round. I feel for you and I get it completely. For now just concentrate on you, look for patterns, become aware of your responses to his patterns. Eventually, you will begin to realize that what he's doing is only to get what he wants... which his cake and to eat it too.
I wish you lots of luck, I understand how you feel.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Meassi, you might want to look at the "sticky" on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics index page, (above the line of ongoing posts), called Abuse. It takes you to a series of posts about abuse that have been saved for us to refer to because they provide some real insight.
There is a thread called "What Abuse Is" by English Garden in which she writes an eloquent message about what abuse is. I also posted on that thread about my own experiences with an abusive husband who did not hit me but yet left me with great emotional damage. You can also Search under my name and find prior posts that I wrote when I was first trying to understand abuse and alcoholism and see the incredible supportive and informative responses that I got from people here on SR (SoberRecovery).
Take care, and believe in yourself, no matter what anyone else tells you.
ShootingStar1
There is a thread called "What Abuse Is" by English Garden in which she writes an eloquent message about what abuse is. I also posted on that thread about my own experiences with an abusive husband who did not hit me but yet left me with great emotional damage. You can also Search under my name and find prior posts that I wrote when I was first trying to understand abuse and alcoholism and see the incredible supportive and informative responses that I got from people here on SR (SoberRecovery).
Take care, and believe in yourself, no matter what anyone else tells you.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by Meassi 
I often wonders if he is undiagnosed - he works with mentally ill people and he is very good at it. Sometimes when he talks he seems psycotic, like his words don't have roots. I don't how to describe it better.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by searching peace
Are you in alanon? I would strongly suggest you find a meeting in your area and go. Also have you read 'codependent no more' It is an excellent book. It might help you to read about codependency and see if that helps you turn your focus back where it should be on you! I know when I am depressed, I have no energy. My STBXAH is abusive. He has been out of our home for almost a year after being arrested for DV. There are still days that I get so depressed I can barely get out of bed much less accomplish anything. There have been plenty of times I felt my life was over if I wasn't with him. But all of those feelings and thoughts were due more to my codependency than to any of his behaviors or actions. It wasn't until I made myself put me and my children first that I was able to make positive steps to moving forward and leaving. I'm in the middle of leaving now. But as long as I focused on him and his issues of alcoholism and abuse it kept me frozen in fear. I had to focus on me and my recovery in order to have the strength to break free. I think you know what to do, it is just a matter of doing it. It has taken me eight years of abuse to be able to even begin to take steps to get out of the relationship. You are ahead of the game because you know what you should do. Sending hugs and courage your way.
I have been in Al-anon - and ACA, but where I live, they don't talk to each other, the don't give feedback, they don't mirror each other, they just each talk and then leave - it's frustrating.
I read the book and every other book by her and Melody Beattie - but way back when I was trying to figure out what was wrong with my father. Maybe I should read them all again
Meassi
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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Originally Posted by happybeingme
Hi meassi, sorry it has been so quiet here. Many of us live on the east coast of the U.S.and it is only 4:30 am right now. I get up early. Anyway. I don't think you have Stockholm Syndrome. But it does sound as if you are in an abusive relationship. Abuse can take many forms including emotional, verbal, financial, sexual. It is not always about being hit.
I sometimes think the binge alcoholic is the hardest to cope with since many can go long periods of time without drinking. It keeps your head spinning and causes a lot of self doubt.
It is also not unusual for mentally ill people to work in the field of mental health. There are some really crazy therapists, social workers, and counselors out there.
Just know there is help and hope here. More people will be by later. You aren't alone
I sometimes think the binge alcoholic is the hardest to cope with since many can go long periods of time without drinking. It keeps your head spinning and causes a lot of self doubt.
It is also not unusual for mentally ill people to work in the field of mental health. There are some really crazy therapists, social workers, and counselors out there.
Just know there is help and hope here. More people will be by later. You aren't alone
THANK YOU for saying that about binge alcolics - not because I am worse off than others, I don't feel like "more" than others, but it really gets to me that I can't handle this.
I have 350 hours of therapy behind me, a lifetime of soulsearching and working with my issues - my mother was a classic alcoholic, who started with her first beer at 8am and with 2 addictive parents, I have some **** to work through - it's amazing I am still here actually.
I am sure you all know the feeling of being so tired, your body weighs 400 kilo and it's like there is a certain fatigue in your joints which sends tiresome jolts through your body every time you move...*sigh*
Thanks again
Meassi
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I just googled gurdjeff--oh, my. Anyway, that's his thing.
One other book you might want to read is "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." It is about abuse--especially the kind that involves control tactics rather than physical violence. It is an eye-opener.
I know you are feeling very trapped right now, but there is always a way out. I'd suggest calling your local women's shelter or the DV hotline and talking with an advocate/counselor. They know that not all abuse is physical, and they can help you figure out a way to get from under his control. You built a business--you are obviously bright and capable, but living in this kind of relationship can suck all the vitality out of you.
So he owns the house you live in. You could find a modest apartment, maybe with a roommate. There are ways to pare your expenses way down. There IS a way out. What you describe is a soul-sucking wasteland.
One other book you might want to read is "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." It is about abuse--especially the kind that involves control tactics rather than physical violence. It is an eye-opener.
I know you are feeling very trapped right now, but there is always a way out. I'd suggest calling your local women's shelter or the DV hotline and talking with an advocate/counselor. They know that not all abuse is physical, and they can help you figure out a way to get from under his control. You built a business--you are obviously bright and capable, but living in this kind of relationship can suck all the vitality out of you.
So he owns the house you live in. You could find a modest apartment, maybe with a roommate. There are ways to pare your expenses way down. There IS a way out. What you describe is a soul-sucking wasteland.
I signed up for every apartment service there is where I live
Emotional abuse is not fully recognized where I live and neither the police, nor the authorities will respond if I try to get help.
Thank you
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by healthyagain
Welcome to SR, Meassi! I hope you find some clarity here!
When someone beats you up, abuse is obvious. Scars and bruises are obvious. But emotional abuse is not so easy to prove. Yet you feel something is wrong. You question your own sanity, you try to justify his actions, you wonder if there is something you did to cause such treatment. And let's forget alcohol for one moment. Not all alcoholics are abusers and not all abusers are alcoholics. Abuse is a separate field. The book that LexieCat mentioned says that abused women should not be labelled as codependent.
And there are different types of abusers who employ different tactics to control you. In abuse, it is all about control. Just like you, Meassi, I feel so controlled. Two days ago, I started an online chat with an NDVH agent. And you know what? I felt really weird typing, because I thought, "Is this really bad enough? Am I bugging the poor person on the other side? There is no beating. And I know all the passwords and he does not control me financially. Yet my sense of duty, of being responsible makes me deal with taxes, bills, insurance, loans . . . and he dares to call me names, to poke me, to accuse me of cheating, to bang around, to disrespect me." I was directed to some further resources, but noone answered question, "Is this abuse?" At least not directly. But I was told this, "How you feel matters." So, if you feel that someone is playing with your mind, you are most probably correct. If you have your gut feeling he is manipulating you, you are probably correct.
And I do not think it is Stockholm syndrome. You are not protecting your abuser. You are not siding with him. You actually sense that something is wrong. You are aware. That is a pretty good first step.
When someone beats you up, abuse is obvious. Scars and bruises are obvious. But emotional abuse is not so easy to prove. Yet you feel something is wrong. You question your own sanity, you try to justify his actions, you wonder if there is something you did to cause such treatment. And let's forget alcohol for one moment. Not all alcoholics are abusers and not all abusers are alcoholics. Abuse is a separate field. The book that LexieCat mentioned says that abused women should not be labelled as codependent.
And there are different types of abusers who employ different tactics to control you. In abuse, it is all about control. Just like you, Meassi, I feel so controlled. Two days ago, I started an online chat with an NDVH agent. And you know what? I felt really weird typing, because I thought, "Is this really bad enough? Am I bugging the poor person on the other side? There is no beating. And I know all the passwords and he does not control me financially. Yet my sense of duty, of being responsible makes me deal with taxes, bills, insurance, loans . . . and he dares to call me names, to poke me, to accuse me of cheating, to bang around, to disrespect me." I was directed to some further resources, but noone answered question, "Is this abuse?" At least not directly. But I was told this, "How you feel matters." So, if you feel that someone is playing with your mind, you are most probably correct. If you have your gut feeling he is manipulating you, you are probably correct.
And I do not think it is Stockholm syndrome. You are not protecting your abuser. You are not siding with him. You actually sense that something is wrong. You are aware. That is a pretty good first step.
I am so sorry for your hardship, you really deserve better!
The hardest thing when dealing with my father, was that I had the hardest of times believing I was right - that there was something wrong. He beat his women, but not me (I just watched it =( ), he called them names, but not me (He just told me I was ********, when I cried), he was generally very supportive and put me on a pedestal. That makes it soooo hard to hold on to the fact that something is wrong. And exactly THAT is what I see here in my relationship:
The hardest thing for me is to hang on. He's done with his bender now and I had to FORCE myself to go here instead of leaving it and enjoying that "all is well."
He actually took me to the mall yesterday and tried to persuade me to let him buy me a Macbook. I held on to my no though. I am not for sale!
So it helped me a lot that you mentioned that - thank you!
Meassi
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by petmagnet
Oh Meassi, I feel your pain and I live your story. It is almost identical. I have been married to a true binge, highly functioning alcoholic for 24 years the last 11 years have seen an upswing in the binging. I have seen him thru 2 rounds of outpatient, inpatient (Minnesota) for a month, AA, 2 DUI's, and still he thinks he is above all other alcoholics (people and rules in general), uses AA mantras to defend his disease and binges, rather than using AA it to heal it. They truly become the most manipulative people ever! It's disgusting once you begin to really recognize it.
I am of the personal believe that living with a binge alcoholic is one of the toughest emotionally. It sets you up for so much twisted abuse. It took me a long time to understand that- coming from a childhood in which I lived with a narcissistic mother who was also very emotionally abusive. Just when you begin to trust your binger that maybe this time is it...they do it again and again. It sets up false hope, And it smears any progress you might have made over and over. They know just how to manipulate you so that you question your sanity... as you are doing now. I kept thinking, and still find myself asking even now, if I was just expecting to much or that I really am just no fun. Am I the one who is driving him to binge because I am such a "Debbie downer"? After all it not like he drinks everyday...right?? It is a horrible pattern of self doubt that they set up in their partner, so that they can keep doing what they do, which is to get blithering drunk and feel justified doing it, cuz everybody does, right!?!
I finally woke up about 3 weeks ago, I had my final straw, I filed for divorce. I realized I was being mentally abused, and I no longer wanted my teenagers to see that it's acceptable to be treated that way. I am dealing with a lot of pain in the process, as divorce is never easy and I still have nagging self doubt. But, I know I can now rest in the fact that I am done with the daily uncertainty of whether or not he's going to come home or go to a bar all night, or sit here and try to drink all night and be angry that I won't join the "fun".
You do not have Stockholm syndrome. You have an Alcoholic. It's what they do, they manipulate. They prey on your insecurities. It becomes a viscious merry go round. I feel for you and I get it completely. For now just concentrate on you, look for patterns, become aware of your responses to his patterns. Eventually, you will begin to realize that what he's doing is only to get what he wants... which his cake and to eat it too.
I wish you lots of luck, I understand how you feel.
I am of the personal believe that living with a binge alcoholic is one of the toughest emotionally. It sets you up for so much twisted abuse. It took me a long time to understand that- coming from a childhood in which I lived with a narcissistic mother who was also very emotionally abusive. Just when you begin to trust your binger that maybe this time is it...they do it again and again. It sets up false hope, And it smears any progress you might have made over and over. They know just how to manipulate you so that you question your sanity... as you are doing now. I kept thinking, and still find myself asking even now, if I was just expecting to much or that I really am just no fun. Am I the one who is driving him to binge because I am such a "Debbie downer"? After all it not like he drinks everyday...right?? It is a horrible pattern of self doubt that they set up in their partner, so that they can keep doing what they do, which is to get blithering drunk and feel justified doing it, cuz everybody does, right!?!
I finally woke up about 3 weeks ago, I had my final straw, I filed for divorce. I realized I was being mentally abused, and I no longer wanted my teenagers to see that it's acceptable to be treated that way. I am dealing with a lot of pain in the process, as divorce is never easy and I still have nagging self doubt. But, I know I can now rest in the fact that I am done with the daily uncertainty of whether or not he's going to come home or go to a bar all night, or sit here and try to drink all night and be angry that I won't join the "fun".
You do not have Stockholm syndrome. You have an Alcoholic. It's what they do, they manipulate. They prey on your insecurities. It becomes a viscious merry go round. I feel for you and I get it completely. For now just concentrate on you, look for patterns, become aware of your responses to his patterns. Eventually, you will begin to realize that what he's doing is only to get what he wants... which his cake and to eat it too.
I wish you lots of luck, I understand how you feel.
Your post made me cry. I am SO sorry for what you have been through and I am SO proud and happy to read that you are leaving now - HOLD ON TO THAT - you are so brave and strong for finding the curage to do it - finally!
And I can actually feel it inside me - mirror it - "I can too".
He IS doing what he does to get what he wants. He IS keeping me on that merry-go-round and I am staying on it...
I will get out, I will get out, Iwillgetout,Iwillgetout!!! *knots my hands to fists*
Thank you!
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1
Meassi, you might want to look at the "sticky" on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics index page, (above the line of ongoing posts), called Abuse. It takes you to a series of posts about abuse that have been saved for us to refer to because they provide some real insight.
There is a thread called "What Abuse Is" by English Garden in which she writes an eloquent message about what abuse is. I also posted on that thread about my own experiences with an abusive husband who did not hit me but yet left me with great emotional damage. You can also Search under my name and find prior posts that I wrote when I was first trying to understand abuse and alcoholism and see the incredible supportive and informative responses that I got from people here on SR (SoberRecovery).
Take care, and believe in yourself, no matter what anyone else tells you.
ShootingStar1
There is a thread called "What Abuse Is" by English Garden in which she writes an eloquent message about what abuse is. I also posted on that thread about my own experiences with an abusive husband who did not hit me but yet left me with great emotional damage. You can also Search under my name and find prior posts that I wrote when I was first trying to understand abuse and alcoholism and see the incredible supportive and informative responses that I got from people here on SR (SoberRecovery).
Take care, and believe in yourself, no matter what anyone else tells you.
ShootingStar1
I remember how much "Charlottes Web" helped me when I was dealing with my father and how comforting it was to be part of a group of people helping, lifting, mirroring and supporting each other.
Thank you very much
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